Blonde Logic's Stream of Consciousness/Diary

Hi BL,
I know you have been considering this for a while and haven't made the decision lightly. I agree with almost all of what you say, but not the "sin" part.
I think you have shown courage and bravery with the way you have done and are dealing with what life has dealt you in the last year.
You've still found time to be supportive to me as well,so thank you for that.
If there is any way I can help you with your next LL experience please say.
Love and respect hun. xx
 
Thank you so much everyone, for such lovely support and wise words!! I appreciate them so much!:hug99:

I am beginning to feel that feeling of a fire burning, slowly, but starting to burn - I know change is coming, and that burning is the excitement building. :cool:A little scary:hide: and a little exciting :gimi: at the same time, just like I did in 2008. Its beginning to come back, and I know my head is in the right space this time.:flirt2:

My hubby is home now - after 3 weeks in California, and its great to have him home.:love:

:copon:We were talking about my diet :psiholog:(failed or otherwise :sign0007:;)) I told him I was excited, and he said that was good. :)And then I told him, "No...I feel like I did in 2008 again" and he looked up and said, "Well that IS good" :eek:- he knows what that means - it means I am in it to win it - and that I am going to nail it just like before. It felt good to say it out loud to him, because I actually believed it when I heard it out loud.:clap: I know it was not just waffle. It was the zeal I have been missing. :wave_cry:

I am also feeling good about a doctor visit I have just come home from. :ambulance: When I said last year was the year of hurting, and this year of healing, I wasn't kiddingl Not only did my heart hurt,:patback: but along with it, all sorts of additional skeletal porblems started to present themselves:boohoo:.

The routine is always the same. :deadhorse:Wake up - smething hurts - weeks/months later, still hurting - see my doc:help2:, get referral - go see specialist - and everytime told the only solution is surgery.:character00264: I thought a few weeks ago when I went for an eye exam, that I would be safe from that!! Wrong. Eye exam = surgery. But thats another story.

This particular visit was for my feet,:sign0137: which have hurt me since losing weight, believe it or not. You would have thought dropping 140 pounds would have made them sit up and do the snoopy dance. :bananalove: (OK - its not Snoopy:snoopyhouse:, but its a dance!) :break_diet:But no, not my feet. They decided to pack it up and get all rigid on me.

The worst part is that it effected my walking hugely. And walking was a HUGE componant in my success at maintaining. Where I used to happily, and daily look forward to and do a minimum one hour walk - and a 2 hour walk on weekend days - I now could barely get to the corner before my feet were in agony. My big toes are essentially fusing themselves from arthritis.

Anyway - long story short - I have seen three docs on this road so far and they all said, if it is arthritis theres not really anything we can do. ANd they all talked of fusion. Which I REFRUSEEEEEE to ever have done. This specialist, who is pretty highly esteemed apparently in the foot world told me today they can do keyhole surgery and shave the bone away opening up the space where the joint is growing in to itself. They CAN do something - Its not just a matter of taking it. YA-FLIPPIN-HOO!!!!!! This is one time, the prospect of surgery is a joy. To be free of the foot pain that has been pretty constant, day and night, mobile or stationary, awake or asleep - it is going to be GONE in 18 weeks or so!!!! Tis a great feeling!! :superwoman:

Just about the time I will be hitting my goal, so that is TWO great things to look forward too!! How lucky am i!!! :D I cannot wait!

Well, I just wanted to share this because it really is good news. :)
Oh my goodness, I think I am waking up.

xxxxxxxxxx

<fingers crossed> lol (don't want to tempt fate by believing too much too fast!! Just my luck and all....)
 
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To Quak, and so many others

Quak said:
What a brilliant, uplifting post - lovely to have YOU back again xxxxxx
Click to expand...

<<<<<<<hugs>>>>>>> Thank you so much Quak. I just think you are lovely.

That means so much to hear that. I know I have been "absent" for many months, in both mind and spirit - I knew that - but wasnt sure if it was obvious to others. Waking up is scary if I am honest - and I don't know if I trust it or not - but I think it is a good thing happening. I like to believe it is anyway, and thats half the solution.

I know I probably never thanked you properly, but I took note of every single post of support you made during my bereavement. It meant so much that someone I have never met would take the time to do that. It was an amazing gesture and an appreciated one. And Coley, Minnie Mel, Minerva, Irene.... and so many others - you were all so kind, and I did notice and appreciate every bit of warmth shared with me at the worst time of my life ever.

I am lucky to have such a great group of net-friends, and those in my life as well, like Slenda Blenda - you all helped me through - so from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

XXXXXXXX
 
Bless you to heaven and back hun xx
:angel:
 
Awww. It is lovely that you are all fired up again. You deserve the success you have had and will have again x
 
Hi BL,

How fab that you saw a doctor who had a solution and one that is only mildly invasive. My dad has his knees replaced a few years ago -- and what he told me after he'd recovered was that he wish he'd done it sooner, because he had forgotten what it felt like to be pain free!

Here's to a better year in 2012 with a slimmer, fitter and happier BlondeLogic.

Big Hugs -- Mel

P.S. Thanks for the props, but I think it is YOU that has been such a inspriation and support on this forum.
 
Good news for the op. Here's to being pain free. Never to be under rated that. Looking forward to seeing your journey x
 
Well done you for getting your focus back.It sounds like you have a lot to deal with.So well done for being so positive.You have done so well with your weight loss so looking forward to hearing reading your inspiring posts.
Cathy
 
In and out of Spection.

The past week or two I have been in and out of introspective moments that at times my head is buzzing and overloaded with thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. Maybe even longer. I have been trying to look back and see how I have reacted to my life these past 12-14 months.

I have to be honest – I have really made a mess of things. Of me. But let me first say, that while I might sound down on myself – I really am not. Just kind of stepping back and trying to do an honest assessment of me.

What I find so odd, is I managed to get through the worst moments of this past year without losing control. Not really losing control. Moms accident - her struggle in hospital - her death - all that followed - It was only after all the anniversaries of tragic events passed that this kind of inner beast was released, and I just went mad. Maybe it was the release of the year passing, and moving forward, or maybe it’s my coming off my anti depressants – ot maybe this is just the next phase of my greif. I don’t know, but I really lost it. There must be something huge that is underlying because I have had the need to seriously stuff some feelings. For weeks I have acted like I was starving. Hungry all the time – completely insatiable. Why?? Knowing that with everything I put in my mouth I was getting bigger and bigger again. I know I have not put all my weight back on – but it feels like I may as well have.
I have felt like a slave to food. Or a prisoner. Same difference really. So much so that I keep saying to myself, knowing Tuesday is just around the corner, “Thank God it’s almost over” Like I will be freed from this huge pull it has had on me lately. It has had quite a hold on me. Shocking at times really.
I need to break up with food again.

Food is my bad relationship. Food and me is like Kate Moss and Pete Docherty. lol

So we are going to break up. Sever ties, and go our separate way for awhile. And it is such a huge relied. My gosh, I never thought of it before but when I lose it, like I have, food does become my bad boyfriend!!!

I am terrified to see the scales. I may not look. I feel huge – like I did when I started. I know I am not, but the feeling is the same. And looking back – as I admittedly used food for comfort – did it work? Are all the things that were upsetting, or memories that were painful, are they gone now? Did it work? Abso-bloomin-NOT. Why did I forget that??? After nearly two years of maintenance, I knew that!!! DOH!

Hey ho.

The good news is – it is nearly over – and I am so aware and focused, nothing will get in my way or stop me. I vow to be 110% adhered to this diet. And that takes away all the pressure of how long it might take. It will take the least amount of time possible that way – and that’s good enough for me

It’s an interesting time in my head these days. Yes indeed.
Well, forward ho!! No point in dwelling or looking back. It just doesn’t matter – what matters is tomorrow, and the day after, and so on.
 
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kicking the attitude back in the right direction lovely girl, go for it x
 
Hey lovely it's good to take a stepback and view it with fresh pair of eyes! It gives a good insight as to why you/ we behave as we do in difficult and challenging times!

Tuesday will soon be here and I totally hear your comments about how the pressure is released almost as the food is removed. Xx
 
Wishing you every success hun, I know you'll do it, the determination is evident in your posts.

Looking forward to sharing your journey

xxxxxxxx
 
Ha ha :)
 
Good luck with your restart BL,you will crack it hun,as your so motivated now!
Sexy xx
 

I mentioned on another thread that last night was my first night back, as a proper LL’er – back in the classes, with a full group, and re-learning about CBT.

I was excited all day to go – but I did not expect the feelings that arose by going. It brought back so many memories – seeing all these new faces on their own journey to lose weight. Seeing some looking so sad, some scared, some excited. It made me appreciate so much what I achieved when I lost the 10 stone initially. At times, I felt tearful, for having to go back and relearn. Not really like a failure, but just sad. I suppose a combination of sadness – sad for what I did to my body, after working so hard and abstaining for 10 months – and also sad because of what happened to drive me there all the stuff that happened in my family this past year, and all.

I watched as the ladies came in one by one, shared their weeks experience, boosted each other up – it was lovely and reminded me of the days SB and I were in group together.

But seeing the heaviest women, well, my heart went out to them – and that made me all emotional, thinking that was once me. And while I am back, I am not ALLLL the way back, if you know what I mean. It is hard to explain, but it was a different emotional response then I expected. I wanted to cry, and hug them, and tell them “Don’t you worry – not long from now and you will never believe the difference!!”

It was a good night, and I am glad to be there, but during it I kept thinking, “i don;t need to be here – I have already done this – maybe I should have jt gone to re-starters, but as soon as she started talking about the CBT side of things – I thought, no – this is exactly where I should be. And it was a great great session, and today, I feel marvellous – absolutely great. On top of the world.

Here we go!! Up that hill to grab my second gold ring!
 
Blonde Logic said:
I mentioned on another thread that last night was my first night back, as a proper LL’er – back in the classes, with a full group, and re-learning about CBT.

I was excited all day to go – but I did not expect the feelings that arose by going. It brought back so many memories – seeing all these new faces on their own journey to lose weight. Seeing some looking so sad, some scared, some excited. It made me appreciate so much what I achieved when I lost the 10 stone initially. At times, I felt tearful, for having to go back and relearn. Not really like a failure, but just sad. I suppose a combination of sadness – sad for what I did to my body, after working so hard and abstaining for 10 months – and also sad because of what happened to drive me there all the stuff that happened in my family this past year, and all.

I watched as the ladies came in one by one, shared their weeks experience, boosted each other up – it was lovely and reminded me of the days SB and I were in group together.

But seeing the heaviest women, well, my heart went out to them – and that made me all emotional, thinking that was once me. And while I am back, I am not ALLLL the way back, if you know what I mean. It is hard to explain, but it was a different emotional response then I expected. I wanted to cry, and hug them, and tell them “Don’t you worry – not long from now and you will never believe the difference!!”

It was a good night, and I am glad to be there, but during it I kept thinking, “i don;t need to be here – I have already done this – maybe I should have jt gone to re-starters, but as soon as she started talking about the CBT side of things – I thought, no – this is exactly where I should be. And it was a great great session, and today, I feel marvellous – absolutely great. On top of the world.

Here we go!! Up that hill to grab my second gold ring!
Click to expand...

Felt quite emotional reading your post. The group are lucky to have you ;)

Good luck with your first week hun

xxxxx
 
Truly moving post.
Good for you getting back on track.
Hey why go for another gold ring make it a double diamond gold ring you deserve it.
Cathy
 
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