Blonde Logic's Stream of Consciousness/Diary

Hey BL, hope today is going well for you, loved the post very moving.

I am actually the smallest in the group I am in now and tonight had a returner join us, she was a larger lady and I did feel for her, but it also made me think long and hard about the fact I am not going to be in the same position in 6 months or 12 months time. I think you have done a remarkable thing by making sure you didnt go alllll the way back (your words not mine) and should be so proud of yourself, look at what you have achieved by losing the 10 stone and defo consider a large diamond ring lol

Good luck hun, we are here for you xxxxxxx
 
Thanks hon.

Ya know, I swore - SWORE - I would never be a returner. SB and I talked about that many many times. And I really believed I never would - I felt SO much better, mentally - physically -- that I believed I never would.

But I guess we all have a breaking point. I had never been lower then I was for such a long time. Im still not quite right, but I am getting there. But I found my breaking point. Unfortunately - on so many counts.

My LLC said she sees me as a success - because I am taking action before I gained it all back, and as she says, I am way in "credit" lol, I lost 10 total and now I have 3-4 stone to lose to get to where I was maintaining - so not the end of the world, but I am goin to try for 5. Its as much a personal test as anything else at this point. I may change mymind later - will see - but fornow thats it.

I feel proud I have stopped the maddness, though I just wish I had pulled my finger out and stopped it sooner. But I guess I just needed to give in to it all - and surrender - before i could get my fight back. I tried twice to deal with it, around xmas and befre and I was not ready - not in the right head space.

I find it really noteworthy that I managed not to lose control during the thick of it all - it was not until most of the muck and mire that had developed in my life was settling down and some normalcy returned - it was then that I lost the plot. I was in full blown addict mode the past few weeks - food had me in a stranglehold.

So that was bottom. Well adn truly hit.

And now - well, today I stand on the first wrung of the ladder. And I will take each step arefully and fully, until I stand at the top again.

But I will, I know I will, and I can't wait.

I feel - at peace now. The last few weeks were mental torture. Now the demons have been silenced. Hopefully for a very long time.
 
Absolutely amazing post, I totally agree with your LLC!

Onwards and upwards on your ladder to success honey whether it be a 3 stone or 5 stone really doesn't matter because I too believe you will reach it!

You are a legend xxxx
 
LadyT said:
Absolutely amazing post, I totally agree with your LLC!

Onwards and upwards on your ladder to success honey whether it be a 3 stone or 5 stone really doesn't matter because I too believe you will reach it!

You are a legend xxxx
Click to expand...

Agreed lovely inspirational few posts :) xx
 
Great post BL.

Weight management is a life long path. Sometimes we will be more ahead of the game than others. The battle is only lost when we surrender to it all and choose to do nothing ever again. It takes a lot to come back to lighter life, but important that we do before too much damage is done. I put all my weight back on befoer I got it through my thick head to go back to what had worked for me in the first place. Thankfully you saw sense at an earlier stage.

All a process of learning, you are further along that process than you were. xx
 
go girl you can and will suceed .
today is a new chapter in your life .
Take care
Cathy
 
Its great to get that determination back. I was interested in what you said about holding it together through the intense stress then later it went belly up. I think that's very true.

If you have a car accident you keep it together through the exchange of details but then break down when you are home and safe. I think that's when we let go. When we are safe.
 
Thank you Coley. :) Also, you were really supportive during some pretty difficult times for me recently - thank you for that too.

I have been reading about the 7 stages of grief...and the whole falling apart after the worst part does seem to kind of fall in line with what they talk about. I guess it does kind of make sense. It would also explain why I have been missing mom a lot now - the impact of her loss is hitting us all now and there have been a lot of sad moments, but not the unbelievably painful moments so its definatly better... But we are stronger to cope with it now. Funny how clever our minds and bodies can be.

I have become very anti-social and reclusive this past year too, and it talks about that as well. So maybe I am OK. Maybe I am on track after all. :D

Sorry if this doesnt make sense - just kind of thining 'out loud'.

In any event, I am certainly on the rise, and that is a very good thing. :D
 
Thinninig - great!
Isn't the mind amazing.

So glad you're feeling so positive. Hope you have had a good day.x
 
Thinning out loud - love it :)
 
LOl Thining outloud. That is what we are all doing here. ;)

I am glad that you are feeling so postive about your group. I think the CBT is so valuable in this process.

Mel
 
Transplanted thread

http://www.minimins.com/lighter-life-forum/144378-visiting-mom-update-2.html

I just wanted to put this here for easier reference as it is so much a factor in my weight loss/maintaining issues. I think it should be here in my diary as it is so significant.

I was having a re-read of it this morning - maybe not the best thing to do cause I ahve been in floods of tears - but its OK - they still need to come. But I wanted to see if anything stood out - and I found this:

It is seriously doing my head in. I feel horrible. This is WAY bigger then CBT. CBT has done NOTHING to help me through this. But Ic an;t worry about that now. Will have a lot of work when i get home.

So I recognised this early on - but was too messed up to process it. Interesting. but rereading that confirms that it was just an awful time, and that I can understand how I lost it - so maybe I wont be so hard on myself in the days to come, etc.

ANyway, thats all for now. Really just storing an old post. :)

xx

 
Blonde Logic said:
http://www.minimins.com/lighter-life-forum/144378-visiting-mom-update-2.html

I just wanted to put this here for easier reference as it is so much a factor in my weight loss/maintaining issues. I think it should be here in my diary as it is so significant.

I was having a re-read of it this morning - maybe not the best thing to do cause I ahve been in floods of tears - but its OK - they still need to come. But I wanted to see if anything stood out - and I found this:

It is seriously doing my head in. I feel horrible. This is WAY bigger then CBT. CBT has done NOTHING to help me through this. But Ic an;t worry about that now. Will have a lot of work when i get home.

So I recognised this early on - but was too messed up to process it. Interesting. but rereading that confirms that it was just an awful time, and that I can understand how I lost it - so maybe I wont be so hard on myself in the days to come, etc.

ANyway, thats all for now. Really just storing an old post. :)

xx
Click to expand...

Very sad reading about your Mum - but sounds like you are in a better place to deal with things ?! Xxxx
 
Borris said:
Very sad reading about your Mum - but sounds like you are in a better place to deal with things ?! Xxxx
Click to expand...


Yes, definately Matt. I am in a new stage of grief, and there is a lot of sadness, but it flows over and then flows away. It is much easier to deal with, and not a surprising emotion. But at least now it is not heart-rippingly painful. And I am more myself again and stronger to deal with it.

All part of life - theres no dodging it - but I want to be sure to recognise the changes, and as weird as it sounds, to experience it, cause I made a right mess of it when my dad died!!! Did not acknowledge greif and got well stuck in it for years. So trying to be a bit more grounded and aware this time, as much as keeping blinders on would be easier. It wouldnt be helpful. ;)

THanks :)

xxx
 
I remember when you wrote that post. Look how far you've come and what you've dealt with since then hun.
You are inspirational to us all. I see my Mum deteriorating - people
who don't know her so well don't realise. I think she's getting scared that the end of her life is coming closer. All her peers seem to be going.
I can't imagine how I'll feel when the time comes. We've had a very intense and complex relationship. I know I'll probably need some help.
Look at that lovely avatar pic. That blue colour suits you so well.
Good luck a WI and group tomorrow.
Give my love to LLC. xxxx
 
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