Changes in my life

[Micci]

I've had a disasterous couple of weeks food wise and probably put back on all I've lost so am starting this thread to ruminate on why, and what I can do about it.

I suspect it has to do with my not wanting to accept change and holding on to what I can control. In the near future I will change from being a home educating mother to a mother with a child at school. This is what my child needs now but for us all this is a big change and he will need support to manage the change as well.

Another change involves planning to move in the next couple of years, we need to do this, its not something that can be avoided but its a challenge to work out where to go, how to handle it in relationship to the childrens' education etc. Plus, moving is a BIG DEAL for me, one of the things I fear. I've only done it three times including moving away from my parents' home and the the thought scares me.

In the next few years, I also expect at least one of my children to be leaving home and that will be an enormous change.

My employment situation will change too, I hope. I'm not looking at what I do now as permanent and I want to get training in a different field and change my life there. More scary but potentially exciting issues there for me. I perceive that being over 50 makes the employment / training issues harder too but I've not really investigated yet.

Typing all this out helps me get it into a different perspective of scary but not impossible.

The very relevant issue for this forum is I also want a body change. Ha! don't we all.

But I must acknowledge that this body I have has served me well. I have had three pregnancies and births, lovers who have not complained about my size - appreciated me even I have been strong and achieved things with this body I am proud of and perhaps I need to understand that I can change to a more slender version of me without losing any of that.

Previously I have lost weight twice before - my biggest loss ever was 4.5 stones and people sometimes didn't recognise me. I think I find it a bit scary to contemplate becoming so different again, despite wanting the change.

I've binged to protect myself and send myself messages about what I needed. It is time to stop using food to fill a gap, it is time to stop using food to comfort myself and stop me thinking about difficult issues and it is also time to stop eating out of habit - binging has left me with a stretched stomach and habit as well as need pushes me to fill it.

Today I dared the scales and weigh 94.9 kilos. I don't want to know what it is in pounds as I don't feel brave enough to accept how much I've put on - yet.

Healthy food choices - yet again - start today.

 

[shazza87]

well done to you, all that going on and your doing your healthy eating, lots o us would easily have turned to food in your postition!

 

[Micci]

well done to you, all that going on and your doing your healthy eating, lots o us would easily have turned to food in your postition!

Thanks! I have been

 

[Pomooky125]

Wow Micci, so much going on. It's exciting in a way though.

Hope I'm not boring you but I understand how change is scary and threatening. I used to live abroad , then when I left my ex I had to come home to a terminally illl mum, no job, no home, sign on and look for work, find a school for my son etc. etc. Within 3 months I had started to binge (I have done it before but only a couple of days and remained a size 8-10). This kicked off a habit that has stuck with me since (3 years) and is firmly wired into my brain. I'm trying to rewire now and in the times since Christmas (always stressful for mums) I have made some progress.

I have found a job which I enjoy (took a year to get one) and stuck out an A level which I almost ditched before Christmas - my tutor was great and gave me space and encouragement. My son is happy; I felt guilty about taking him away from his Spanish family/school etc. and expecting him to slot into British life/language and weather!

Things are looking up and I feel more positive. I know the changes were for the better. They were scary but a kick up the ass.

You will do great Micci. It may be a bumpy ride at times but you'll feel good about yourself. (I don't even want to think about what it will be like when my son leaves home!).

Love Pomooky XX

 

[krupskaya]

Wow Micci - lots of changes for you on the horizon. I'm not surprised the eating has gone to pot. As you say change is scary but not impossible. All change involves risk - that is what makes it so frightening. So be kind to yourself and make sure you give yourself credit for coping with each new life change. If it helps look on each phase as a new and exciting chapter opening in your life. Wishing you all the very best,

KX

 

[Micci]

Thanks. Krupskayer you are quite right, that is the perspective to adopt. Change happens all our lives, I expect I was quite pleased and excited when I started walking and didn't need to crawl everywhere.

Pomooky, those were horrible and drastic experiences you went through, for you and worrying about your mother and son as well. I'm not surprised you turned to something to get through it. You've done really well to acknowledge what has happened and to be moving on. Boring? You? Nah, I've got lots of adjectives for you but they are all complimentary.

Micci

 

[bevsy]

Good luck on your restart micci

 

[Micci]

Thank you all so much. I feel much stronger now and have made sensible choices around food. Even my back hurts less today and yesterday. I thought it had miraculously healed as my stress levels lessened, but the ache is still there but nothing like it was.

 

[largelesley]

Aw micci and pomooky how did i totally miss these posts their is me harping on about my problems
And ive missed you two sharing about yourself
Micci change is so scary and like you said sometimes we sabatage ourselves without evn realising
What made you home school your little one if you dont mind me asking

Poomooky you have had a hard time of it but you sound like you are doing well and have come through x
My daughter will be heading of to uni in a few months and im not dreading it but ill miss her
As she is my adult company when my hubby away
I am left with my teenage son who has turned into the harry enfields kevin lol
Take care you two speak soon xxxxx

 

[Micci]

Oooh Lesley,

your daughter's going to uni? What will she be reading? How exiting, but it sounds like you'll miss her a lot.

Home education, well I'm a bit afraid of starting a whole debate here that isn't appropriate to this forum so I'll be very brief and say that it seems to me that schools can't cater for childrens' individual interests when they are so tied to the NC. That the NC delivers a very narrow band of information. Well, tbh, there is so much information in the world now that no one can possibly know a millionth of it, but it is much more rewarding for a child to be able to follow up subjects that really interest them and not get pulled off to do something else. They can go at their own pace -if they are sick at school the week they did X then they could be missing that for a long time whereas at home you don't get that situation.

Also, with the ratio of adults to children a lot of the teachers' time is spent more in crowd control and creating 'busy work'. The percentage of direct teaching time any child gets out of a whole day is pretty small. And with the unnatuural balance of large numbers of children you get bullying, however hard the schools try.

People worry about the social aspect so its helpful to understand it more as community based eductation - we did loads of workshops at museums and galleries, went on outings with other home edding families, did joint social/educational activities, holidays with other families, weekly groups are all over the country for various ages.

Sorry, rant over. I'm now determined to see that actually school is the best place for my boy, for various reasons to do with his problems and the fact I am plain worn out with dealing with a child possibly on the autistic spectrum, who wants to hide away from the world, don't want to go into more details in public.

I've seen other families whose children thrive at school and pray (metaphorically speaking) that he will too despite the difficulties I know he will have to surmount.

Er ... did I say I'd be brief lol ...

How are you doing yourself?

 

[Pomooky125]

Hi Micci
Good on you for the home ed thing - it was courageous to break free from the norm. Hope your eating has settled down and you're managing the anxiety ok. Slounds like you need some "me" time!



Lesley - I haven't binged for a couple of days. Let's see how it goes. I am bored with the whole idea of being obsessed with food but I think about it all the time. You must be having a great time now hubby is here. It must be very hard to adapt to the change when he comes and goes though.

Warm wishes Pomooky XX

 

[largelesley]

Micci hi you were very brave to break away from the norm school thing
I am sure you have checked things ourpt and your son will be fine
I know he probably likes routine but im sure he will be given time to settle in
And then it will be your time you can hopefully relax knowing he is being cared for xx

Pomooky it is sometimes hard to adjustto hubby being home when for so many wks its just me
And the kids

My daughter is hopeing to become a mental health nurse
Sometimes i wonder how she came by that choice lol
Take care xxxxx

 

[Micci]

Lesley,

your daughter can come on hers and give us all tips

 

[Sassia]

What an articulate and eloquent post Micci. Good luck with all your new challenges! x

 

[Micci]

Thanks Sassia,

got to admit, I'm still struggling a bit but the binges are no longer wild and uncontrollable. I'm reading a great book about the psychology of out of control eating called the Four Day Win by Martha Beck and feel like I'm understanding more and more - she gives helpful exercises and I have started a little bit - today's binge petered out as I remembered that I could eat the biscuits, but I had freedom of choice and put the packet back on the shelf after only a few. That's what I call progress

How is your own weigh loss going? I see you ahve been here a lot longer than myself.

 

[Sassia]

Thanks Sassia,

got to admit, I'm still struggling a bit but the binges are no longer wild and uncontrollable. I'm reading a great book about the psychology of out of control eating called the Four Day Win by Martha Beck and feel like I'm understanding more and more - she gives helpful exercises and I have started a little bit - today's binge petered out as I remembered that I could eat the biscuits, but I had freedom of choice and put the packet back on the shelf after only a few. That's what I call progress

How is your own weigh loss going? I see you ahve been here a lot longer than myself.

sounds like a good book. I'll have to check it out. I have been a lapsed member! Was always lurking for a month or 2 then hid my head in the sand for a year! I lost 2st and put that and more back on......oh well. Tomorrow is another day and all that!

 

[Micci]

know the feeling

 

[Pomooky125]

Hi Micci - How are you? Hope you're not dwelling too much on the changes ahead and are taking things day by day.

I haven't binged but I'm struggling. I think sometimes I may be using stress, tiredness, anxiety, TOTM or whatever as an excuse to binge rather than it being the cause. It's as though I need permission to eat "bad" food or something?? How odd is that?

I keep reminding myself of that revolting feeling just after binging - I definitely don't want to go there!

Pomooky XX