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Completely O T and a bit sad ....

JanD

maintaining since June'09
#1
Hello people .... I don't expect any responses .... I don't even expect anyone to read this really, I think I'm thinking of writing it down as a kind of therapy.....

I lost a great friend (43 yrs standing!!) last week :cry: and it's her funeral on Monday (2nd) This is feeling like a huge cloud hanging over me and a massive hurdle which I somehow have to find the werewithall (sp?) to cross and I'm doubting my ability to do it without breaking down which won't do.

I have to be strong for her husband and her children whilst all the time (selfishly and unreasonably I admit) I want to shout "I knew her longer than you did!!!!"

Getting through the days before this ordeal we went shopping to Liverpool today. In a bookshop there I saw an elderly gentleman looking at a drawing/painting book....... I suddenly saw my father doing exactly that and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I went all dizzy and I could hardly breathe!

Dad died 17 months ago and there has been loads of times and things that have reminded me of him - of course there has - but usually it just makes me think of him with affection and a tinge of sadness ...

This time I had the whole scenario of him getting the bus into town, having a good mooch around, finding one or two 'bargains', a little something for mum and then going home to her. Them spending a nice Saturday evening together, both dozing in their chairs in their easy companionship.

Now he's gone .... we miss him so much :sigh:

All this from a glimpse of a stranger looking at a book in a shop ......

If you've taken the time to read this I apologise for being so maudlin' ... I just felt the need to share it .... and it's helped me .... so thank you :wave_cry: xx
 
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DQ

Queen of the Damned
#2
Got no words, so just wanted to send you some cyber :hug99:
 
#6
No apologies need Jan *hugs*

I know how it helps to put these sort of feelings into words, makes it clearer in your own mind and we're here to cheer as well as for diet talk :)

Don't worry about having to be strong at the funeral, you've lost someone you've known for most of your life, you've every right to show your upset. We'll all be thinking of you on Monday hun x
 

JanD

maintaining since June'09
#7
Thank you all sooo much ... Sandy I'm so sorry about your Dad. There aren't any words ...... **hugs** xxx
 

nexangelus

Carpe diem, baby!
#8
Writing things down can be very cathartic...I wrote one of my best uni creative writing pieces about my mum's death and cancer, etc a couple of years ago...keep writing, even if it is just for you...thoughts are with you during your sadness...
 
#9
I so know how you are feeling. In my case my doctor referred me to the bereavement counsellor and my sessions have been very helpful. There are times when it is far better to talk to someone you don't know rather than family or friends. Might you have a trip to the doctors to see whether this would be available

Irene xx
 

Redpam

Living the Life
#11
I wondered why your mood was set to sad. No words can really help but will be thinking of you tomorrow.

I lost my Dad nearly 13 years ago but small things can bring it all back as though it was yesterday.

((((((HUGS))))))

Pam
 

CarolineM

Stubborn and doing it
#12
*hugs*

I know exactly how you feel - my dad is still "haunting me" but then it has not even been a year since he died.

I hope tomorrow goes well.

Will be thinking of you.

*hugs*
Caroline
 
#13
Sorry to hear of your losses.

xx
 
#14
No apologies need Jan *hugs*

I know how it helps to put these sort of feelings into words, makes it clearer in your own mind and we're here to cheer as well as for diet talk :)

Don't worry about having to be strong at the funeral, you've lost someone you've known for most of your life, you've every right to show your upset. We'll all be thinking of you on Monday hun x
I absolutely agree with LoChan and all your other cyberpals who have replied to you. Don't bottle your feelings up Jan, it'll do you more harm than good. Your pal's family may well be looking for people to cry with too

Big :hug99: to you, I'll keep you in my prayers, especially for tomorrow.
 
#15
hi jan , my heart goes out to you, like i said in a previous post my grandad died in august and his was the first funeral i ever attended my mum never allowed me to go to my cousins as i was only 7 at the time. i wrote a poem for him and read it at the service and he pulled me through that day as i shook so much i couldnt get off the pedestal at the alter. everyday i think off him i even collected his war medals after 50 odd years, i just wanted to say its so hard and you will get through tomorrow at the time you dont know how but you manage, grief effects us in so many ways i remember sitting with him when he passed and it being so sureal at that moment i was'nt scared of dying and felt broken but knew it was his time. since him dying though i felt such an enormous difference of feelings i have been angry felt whats the point in anything and have got a really bad phobia of going in a car to the point i panic its horrible. but everytime i feel like that i look at his photo and his st christopher what my nan gave me and i remember how much he loved life and how much he meant to me and how he taught me to be a good person, i am now sat crying just saying this. what i am trying to say by writing this isits ok to feel how you feel its a natural phase and all the emotions that come with it is natural too, you need to keep in focus all your memories with eachother, cry and laugh and eventually start to healxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
#16
Kelfie, that is all so true ! and you write it down so well.
I lost my dad 7 years ago and it still feels like yesterday but I struggle with the words......
Anyway Jan I just wanted to let you know I will be thinking of you tomorrow.
 

Purple Hugs

Loves weight.. training!
#17
I believe we are special for being able to communicate our feelings, and indeed our loss.
If you feel the urge to write these down.. don't ignore it. ((hugs))

When my mum was terminally ill I had e-mail contact daily with a close member of my family to off load all that I was feeling.. goodness knows I'd never want to read those again but honestly, it really helped.
Talking after her passing, took a year for me.. a year of turmoil admittedly. Talking really helps to the right person (someone good at listening).

Really hope tomorrow goes as well as it can, and that you remember your friend as you wish. If this is with tears at her passing, then you need to shed them. Forget her family, you are grieving for your friendship.

Will be thinking of you.
 

JanD

maintaining since June'09
#18
My Goodness!! I didn't get on here yesterday and now I find all these messages .... I'm speechless .... you're all so kind and supportive. I love this forum ..... :grouphugg: **hugs** back to you all.

It's been a harrowing afternoon, a mixture of tears and laughter and a coming together of lots different people from all walks of life, from all over this country (despite the snow), from America and The Phillipines with, in general, only one thing in common - the wonderful person we were there to say goodbye to. :cry:

There was a certain surreal quality to the occasion as only 9 months ago she was planning a whole new adventure. She had landed a teaching post in Dubai and was due to go, with her husband for 2 years from last August but was then diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer last May .... it was all a bit of a shock and just too quick!! :(

Anyway, it's all over for now although there will inevitably be many times when we think of her, miss her and wish she was here ..... not least every time it snows from now on as when I opened the curtains this morning there was a veritable blizzard going on!!!! :23:

While we were sitting in the church waiting for the cortege (sp?) to arrive the sun suddenly came out and shone through the stained glass window - I turned to comment on how lovely it was and realised it was only shining on me ...... !!! :character00238: I don't want to sound overly dramatic but it took my breath away ... I couldn't help thinking that she and my dad had somehow got together and done that to lift my spirits ..... :wow:I realise I run the risk of you all thinking I'm a nutter but then you wouldn't be far wrong so hey ........ whatever :rolleyes:

Thank you sooo much again :thankyou: ... diet wise this week's a bit of a lost cause - so the 1 or 3 vodka & cokes (diet of course!) I shall be imbibing tonight are almost by-the-by!! :party0027: ....... on these occasions one can't help thinking 'life's too short' - but I WILL get back on the straight and narrow - one of these months ...;)

Lots of Love to all of you and **more hugs** for your losses as well xxx


 
#19
I'm so pleased that although obviously it's a very sad time you're sounding very positive.

Keep on with letting us know how you're doing, we'll give you a kick up the bum if you go off the rails too far for too long. Just think of that ray of sunshine and I'm sure you'll do fine, if they're watching you - make 'em proud :)
 

JanD

maintaining since June'09
#20
All kicks up the .... :massmoon: and :whoopass::whoopass::whoopass: gratefully received ;) :) xxx