Crazy life of Chilli

well I haven't eaten the sweeties still.

My son did seem to have a good time, reluctant to tell me much about it but he's always like that. Happy to be home though and I'm happy to have him.

Some other stuff has kicked off between my daughter and ex though and I've been having to try and support her and try to offer some diplomacy, I will do anything needed for my daughter but it's been a stressful night. I'm not sure it will ever come to a comfortable conclusion, but I keep reminding her that she is loved and welcome with me, and our home is sacred for the 3 of us. I can't fix what others do, or what happens elsewhere, but OUR ship is ours and we will sail it as we choose.

It's tiring. I'm still snotty, I've gone through lots of tissues. School is back tomorrow too so I'll need to be up early. I think the lollypop lady is back but I'll need to walk son up tomorrow to check, once I confirm she's back on duty I can spend longer in my PJ's as he can walk himself :D

Just waiting for the washing machine to finish and then I'm heading to my beddie.

I'm grateful for my son
I'm grateful for my daughter
I'm grateful for the friends who never fail to offer support when I need it too.

20 days down, 61 days to go! (24.5%)
 
Good progress and good mothering, Chilli.
 
morning day 21.

my scales tell me I have stayed the same :( but I'm not going to worry about it. Not officially 3 weeks until tomorrow anyway but I'm not well. I still have my cold and didn't sleep too well. I took son to the main road this morning and confirmed the lollypop lady IS back, had a little catch up with her and carried on walking the pup. I didn't take a long walk today but by the time I got home feeling a bit hot and still headachey so I know my weight may or may not change when this clears - you can never tell. I'll measure tomorrow too, then see what the week brings. 4.5lb's in 20 days is on the low side, but many on the exante page say that weeks 2 and 3 are often iffy for losses even without illness.

I dunno, I'm finding it quite easy and I have all the packs anyway so I'm pretty happy to just keep going for the moment anyway. Hopefully I'll get a whoosh at some point lol.

Cold aside, I generally feel pretty good, and perhaps if I'm lucky my measurements will change even if the scales don't. Worth giving it a bit of time, I think a lot of people jump about from one plan to another too quickly. I've done it myself in the past.

Lazy day I think, I've said i won't go to my meditation group tonight, I'd only disturb everyone with my coughing and sniffling.
 
not allowed lemon juice :rolleyes: I did cheat earlier and had an options hot choc though.

Spent ages today trying to find daughters birth certificate (to get her provisional driving Licence!!) I knew had it a few months ago. I have a box for things like that and it wasn't there. I looked in all the other places things get stashed, some other places where things end up randomly and came up with nothing. Gave up, went online and ordered and paid for a new one.

Typically, moments later it occured to me that we didn't SEND it to the last place, we emailed it, which meant I scanned it... and then I found it still in the scanner. 🤦‍♀️ ah well, have to live up to everyones expectations of me haha.

Still feeling a bit icky but it will pass.
 
I hear a lot of colds are doing the rounds and they are doozies to get shut off. I am sure that once it is gone you will start to see the scales go down. I think your body will be fighting infection at the minute and this in turn is having a knock on effect to the weight loss.
 
this one has slowly crept up over several days to (hopefully) its peak. Hopefully it will tail off soon enough. I've a PCR test sitting I'll do and pop away in the mail tomorrow just to make sure again. I've to do a pcr every week for work and lateral flows on days I'm working. I'll probably do a lateral flow tomorrow anyway as I'm hopefully going to my tai chi class, and have my art group in the afternoon.

Ex (who maintains he can only tell me access info 3 weeks in advance and often slips down to 2) has sent me access info right up to new year. So he can plan ahead when it suits him - I always knew this lol. It's one of many things that used to really annoy me but I managed to let that one go. At least I can look ahead now and plan though for the next 2 months, possibly including a visit from my mother in law, who is equally exasperated at his attitude to things.

I'm actually considering counselling randomly - not so much for my healing as I think I've healed and risen above it all, but to try and understand WTF is actually going on in this mans head, and therefore be potentially better prepared to deal with ongoing things, potentially better equipped to also help my daughter in particular. I wonder if daughter would even potentially attend counselling with me. I might suggest it to her, but I'm not sure she's ready for that kind of thing, she may not be for a while.

well I've not been 100% today but I've not been off the wagon either. I've had a shake, a bar, a soup, an options hot choc and one singular teeny cadbury oreo egg. About 50 calories I think and the hot choc was 40

I made pizza for the kids and I toyed with the idea of one small slice and calling it a day, but I decided that especially as I'm ill, it's perhaps better to still have a 4th pack and knowing I'll have had 100% RDA of all my vitamins etc. So I'm calling it a win that I've not strayed far and not had any pizza, not even the topping like I did once before, especially as I'm not feeling well.

I'm not really feeling like a shake so I'll probably have another soup shortly. Even though I'm running low on them, I'll need to go ahead and order some more soon. I've still got heaps of shakes, lots of bars and a fair amount of the meal type packs. Ultimately if I choose to stay on board longer, or at least until I hit 154, I will only bother with soups and shakes I think. I've a fair idea now about what I'm going to try and offload so I'll need to put it together and take a few pics and see if there are any takers for them on facebook.

I bought some 'water drops' which looked like the exante water enhancer, 0 carbs or sugar and little squirty bottle. I got raspberry lemonade and fruit punch. They're not great - they cost more and aren't as strong so need to add more and don't even taste that good. I'm sad the exante ones continue to be out of stock. I may look for some of the powdered keto water enhancers because I'd really struggle otherwise to get enough fluid.

Although honestly I don't even feel like having a soup. I might just call it quits and go to bed soon.

hmmm.
Grateful for my mother in law and our continued good relationship despite her son.
Grateful the lovely lollypop lady and her family have all recovered (they had covid :( and one of them had to go to hospital)
Grateful for my central heating.

21 days done, 60 to go!
 
Morning all, it's bliss my son being a little more independent and having the lollypop lady back - means I can still be in my Pj's whilst he's having his breakfast lol and see him out the door - still in pj's.

I don't feel as bad as yesterday so far, I blew my nose late last night and haven't had to blow it yet today so hopefully the worst is over. I'm thinking I might skip the tai chi today though, and just run the art group. I'll wear a mask today. (edited - I just did my covid test and it provoked a runny nose lol)

well at the start of exante, I made my geeky spreadsheet, I set a fairly modest target of 3lb's week one followed by 2lb's per week. Well my scales showed a 1lb drop today so I'm logging it, but that still makes me 2lb's behind, so if I don't get a whoosh in the next few weeks this really isn't worth it (although it's easy for me in fairness and probably cheaper than food 🤣 ) I think I'll stay on it another 3 weeks, so 6 in total, before making any actual decisions. I've also realised that many on the exante page are following the old plan of 3 packs per day, so that may become plan B. It's against the NICE guidelines, but we all know how infamously unreliable any official diet guidance is really, and I wouldn't be looking to stay on it long term.

In other positive news, hips are the same as last week, bust and waist both 0.5" down. So that's something.
 
Losing inches if not lbs is a good result, Chilli. Less fat, more muscle. Counselling is a good idea. I doubt you'll understand what's going on in his head. He sounds like he's just a narcissist who'll do what he wants. reagrdless of others needs. I think it helps talking it over with a 3rd party who comfirms it's a bullshit way for him to operate - unfair on you, the children and your ma in law.
 
well I skipped tai chi this morning, because my friend called and asked if I could drive her daughter to A & E to get her knee checked out, thankfully it's nothing serious, she just needs to stay off it a few weeks hopefully. Then it was home - quick tidy before my art group ladies arrived, we had a lovely couple of hours doing our doodles and catching up. Then I waited for son to arrive home before nipping to the post office (daughters provisional driving application and my usual covid test)

My cold is past the worst I think, but I've still not felt 100%, and I've only had 3 packs again today, but I've also had some pickled onions and chunks of cheese when my group was running.

I had a bit of a shock looking at my face in the mirror earlier and had to remind myself I'm under the weather and not at my best! with all the nose blowing my nose and mouth are all dried out and red, my mouth when relaxed looks more downturned than usual, my skin in general is looking tired and dry. My 'neutral' expression looks downright miserable and if I didn't know better I'd have expected I was about to burst into tears! Colds are terrible things 🤣 Anyway, it reminded me I need to be doing better self care, I'm rubbish at remembering to use moisturiser, so I need to add that to my list, I'm 45 i need to start looking after myself better.

I was also looking at my teeth and I swear my gums have got worse, but theres not much I can do about that as I need to wait for my name to come up on their waiting list at the Dentist, which made me sad too, but ultimately theres not much else I can do about that now. But at least I'm still not in any pain.

Oh well.

So...

Grateful to not be in pain with my teeth.
grateful to have a fairly robust immune system, and to rarely be ill.
grateful that I was able to afford to keep my car, I wouldn't have been able to change jobs without it, visiting my family would have become difficult, and I wouldn't have been able to help my friend and her daughter today. So I'm very grateful to still have it.

22 days down, 59 to go.
 
I think your ex is displaying typical bulldust male control behaviour - you're not under his thumb any more (yaye!), so mucking you about with access is the only way left he has of being mean. Exact same thing happened to a mate of mine, and like you she was trying to be really balanced when talking to the kids about it, but as they got older they saw for themselves how unfair his behavour was and the whole thing rebounded, as I don't think any of the kids see much of him now.

And complete and utter hats off to you hun for being so focused on the packs, especially when you've been under the weather! :0clapper:
 
Well done on keeping going when you have felt so rubbish. I never moisturise either. Am lucky that I've never sunbathed either so look younger than I am but my face is never my focus.
 
In fairness @ladyfelsham, to a degree the access is dictated by his work, but I KNOW that he has more notice than he gives most of the time. I also know he manipulates to get time off for himself, in as much as he will pick him up later if he finishes at 2pm for example, and have son that night, to add in with another night, so that he can keep a day off to do what he wants. Which doesn't sound bad - but the point is he's completely unapproachable to discuss should I wish to do the same. If we had a genuinely collaborative relationship I'd have no problem helping him have his time off, and he would do the same for me. That isn't how it is. He takes what he chooses. I have my son 5-6 nights every week and now work the 1-2 nights he is away, and I don't mind that (I've chosen it), but I do recognise the control. The way I've found to let it go is to realise I have my freedom despite his control. I can get a sitter anytime I choose. In fact I choose everything else in my life... I now merely see the access as a 'thing' between my son and his Dad and not really to do with me. I distance myself from it other than the functionality I need to work around.

Most of the other things I do in my life if I need to I can bring my son to, if I want to take a nightclass next year (which I'm pondering) I'll get a sitter. If I want to go out with friends or on a date, I'll get a sitter (my daughter is happy enough if it's weekdays, there are others I can ask for weekends). I'm not in a rush to find a partner, and if I do come across someone I like that way they will need to understand my situation and if they don't then they're not right for me anyway. So I need to work around my ex a little - it's not about him anymore. I work around whatever I need to for my son and I do that willingly. I chose my children, and I choose them every day.

The latest round of nonsense is much more complex, and about his lack of effort for my daughter. There isn't really a way to put a positive spin on that, nor can I go in to too much detail as it feels like my daughters business. Short version is that he thinks SHE should be making the effort to persue a relationship with him, whereas both her and I (and every other person we talk to who knows the whole story) think that HE should. He thinks she is an adult now, I agree but none of us are fully mature at 16, and in any case as parents and 'proper' grown up's with more experience of the world 'should' be the BIGGER adult in any situation. However the whole story is very complex.

I'm sorry that was longer than I meant it to be.
Enough of all that seriousness lol.

I've never really sunbathed either @ladybird777 but I wasn't always good at putting suncream on either just for day to day stuff. I actually don't know what age I typically look, I'm really bad at guessing other peoples ages lol. I definitely look older than usual at the minute tho

I have discovered that making up 400ml of enhanced water in a big cup and drinking with a straw is making it much easier to get more fluid down, so I'm hopeful to be more regularly above 3litres/day going forward. It's been a struggle to even hit 2 this past week. I'm already on 2100ml and it's only 1300

I've meandered through my morning just watching Grace and Frankie on Netflix, I discovered there is a new series. It's got me thinking about people I admire. and I think Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin are great. I don't aspire to Jane - too much surgery and need to be skinny, however to still be working in acting at 83, and taking on a role that challenges preconceptions about ageing I applaud. Now - Lily I just adore. Off course partly I just adore the part of Frankie and I recognise that Lily is acting, but she plays the part so well, and I think she's so pretty, and so free in her style. Further reading about Lily, she's a lesbian and been with her partner for over 40 years (I don't aspire to the lesbian part lol) but something I loved about reading about her - she never 'came out' and was insulted when once offered to do so publicly. However she never hid her sexuality, relationship or partner.

It's an idealistic view I've brought up in the past, why does society make it necessary for people to 'come out'? straight people don't have to. I think we should all be free to turn up with a 'partner' of either gender and not have to explain ourselves. Wouldn't that be a better way to be?

Anyway. I've also been catching up on FB with an old friend I haven't spoken to for many years, she discovered a joint friend passed away last year so got in touch to ask about that, then we had a proper catch up. We all change over the years, her and I always got on, but I think we are both in a very similar mindset now. I think we will likely stay in touch.

Well I think I've rambled enough for now. I'm going to have some soup I think, and perhaps have a soak in the bath.
 
not much more to report today, I had my 4 packs and over 3litres

definitely a bit better with my cold but I've not been sleeping well and I'm feeling really tired. Early bed soon I think. I'm finding myself in a rubbish irritable mood. I'm sure I'll snap out of it tomorrow. Son is off to his Dads since 5pm so no school runs tomorrow, and a sleepover shift tomorrow night (one I get to sleep at)

my elbow is giving me pain at the moment again too so it's annoying.

hmmm.
Grateful for reconnecting with old friend
grateful that the night in a few weeks a friend asked me to go out happens so coincide with a saturday my son is at his dads :D
grateful for heating (yeah I'll keep repeating things haha)

23 days down, 58 to go. (28%)
 
Mahoosive hugs to ya sweetie. Seems like a tough week for you.

I chose my children, and I choose them every day
Click to expand...

^^ this. Just this. <3

I've been a single mum since I was pregnant with my son. Without going into the whole saga, I 100% agree with the statement above.
Also if you feel counselling would help you deal with your ex and have a positive impact on your well being - go for it.

Glad the sniffles are getting under control and you are feeling a bit better.

Boo for the not as expected losses but glad you are sticking to the 4 packs for nutrition's sake. Inches are great to see though.

Not seen frankie and grace but peeps put way too much emphasis on having to "come out" instead of just being.
My son is pansexual (Pansexuality is a sexual orientation used to describe an individual who feels they are sexually and/or romantically attracted to all genders, based on an individual’s personality.)
He told me and I was open and honest with him and said he is the same son I loved yesterday and nothing has changed. thanks for telling me and trusting me. no need to hide anything.
Why can't it be that simple for everyone? The only thing we have to adjust is when I ask him who his gf or bf is these days rather than just one. Not exactly difficult.

Leaving another hug for you for later on :D xx
 
Short version is that he thinks SHE should be making the effort to persue a relationship with him, whereas both her and I (and every other person we talk to who knows the whole story) think that HE should

Maybe she doesn't really want to persue a relationship with him and that's up to her.

Big hugs from me too xx
 
absolutely @ladybird777 and that choice is 100% hers to make. However as a person who chose to take her on as a daughter, it's my opinion that HE should at least try, but he isn't. Thank you for the hugs xx

@GLL I agree with how you've treated your son. My daughter was about 5 and asked if the male couple who live a few doors down were 'brothers' it would have been easy to avoid the question, I hadn't really thought about what or how to tell her things as I don't really think about these things that much. I just explained to her that although in a lot of cases it's a woman and a man who fall in love, in their case it was 2 men, and that sometimes it would be 2 women, and that they were together in the same way as all the other couples she knew were. She completely accepted it as normal and that was a good basis for us to build on. Later on at maybe 8 or 9 (she was a very curious child) she wanted to know all about trans people. I let her watch a few movies that had trans people in them, and looked stuff up online, she even wanted to know about the operations people could have. I censored very little, because I think if they are asking they deserve honest answers. When she was around 13 she told me she might be 'Bi' I told her that was fine, and that she wasn't to be scared to tell me if she had a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Ultimately I think she's settled on boys, I'm not sure if she still feels a bit both but I know she knows she can be whatever she is here. The thing is - it's bigger than just our relationships with our own children - it's what our children then put out into the world around them. If we teach them to be judgemental, closed minded then it can take a lot of years for them to grow out of that, if at all. Teach them to be accepting of the diversity and they can go out into the world without those chains themselves. I know my daughter has helped other friends who weren't quite able to be open about themselves, and stood up for people who were being bullied etc.

I've taught my kids that the only labels people really need is whether they are 'nice' or 'not nice' and that's how I live myself. Hug back at ya @GLL your kids are lucky to have you.

minimins hug fest for all who drop by!

I STILLLLL have a cold, but it's slowly improving. My scales still say the same grrrr

Ah well. Plans for today include a teeny bit of sewing, a bit of tidying, a dog walk, and perhaps a bit of painting.

back later!
 
HUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSS back xxxx

I just love the way you are both enabling your children to come to their own conclusions about relationships, it's so healthy - for the individual, and for society.

I'm also a huge fan of Grace and Frankie - hilarious, poignant and everything in between, such well observed characters. Roll on the next series! I'm still watching All Creatures G&S, enjoyed The Long Call and will take a peek at Dalgleish, the remake of the original series. I was a fan of Roy Marsden so not sure how I'll feel - particularly as I absolutely loathed the recent remake shambles of Darling Buds of May.
 
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