Debate - Weight, love etc?

Discussion in 'Slimming World' started by ladyantionette, 2 May 2011 Social URL.

  1. ladyantionette

    ladyantionette Full Member

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    During my slimming world class the other day we were discussing personal experiences regarding why we want to loose weight.

    And one woman began to tell us it was when her husband told her;

    "I love you, but I think you need to loose weight. I will never stop loving you but your at a unhealthy size and if im honest its hard to be attracted to you"

    Now this split everyone in the room in half..some were outraged by him saying this, others admired his honesty.

    Im not sure how I feel myself, as I would be gutted if thats how my husband felt. But I would rather also know that this was how he was feeling so I really began to kick myself up the butt.

    Is honesty the best policy to finally get us to see what our bad eating behaviour is doing to us? Or are statements like this only going to make the cycle of comfort eating etc worse?

    Wondered how you guys would of reacted?
     
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  3. Roziee

    Roziee Gold Member

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    I wouldn't be attracted to someone my size, and I wouldnt expect my husband to either. I was just extremely fortunate that my husband wanted to help me get to my healthy weight and loved me for me, not my body.

    I do admire his honesty. Think about it- you may be big and beautiful, but are you bg and healthy? Highly unlikely. Good on him for being honest. I just hope that he's honest and supportive, not honest and leaves her.
     
  4. Shrimpy

    Shrimpy Gold Member

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    I'd be devestated but so glad he could be honest. I think it would serve as a massive butt kick for me.

    However, I think that the response to that is deeply individual and for some people that is pressure to solve and others pressure to bury their head. Emotions are tricksy.
     
  5. Mrs.S.

    Mrs.S. Gold Member

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    Hmmm interesting one!

    My first reaction after reading was how horrible and what a twit!

    I love my partner no matter, for his good and bad habits, how he supports me and how he makes me laugh! He's only ever known me big, and I've only ever known him slim fit and toned, I don't THINK my feelings towards him would change if he were to put on a lot of weight, but can't really say as haven't been in the situation.

    However, perhaps this guy was better to have been honest with his wife, instead of just leaving her or having an affair!

    Was she smaller when they met, or has she always been large? I think perhaps if she has gained a lot of weight during their relationship, then I can see his point more than if she has always been large and he is now trying to change her.

    Possibly a better/nicer way of saying what he said, however they may have a really honest and open relationship and him saying this to her was absolutely fine.

    Still think I'd be horrified if my OH though this or said it to me!

    Sent from Laura's iPhone using MiniMins
     
  6. katoof

    katoof Silver Member

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    I think he have brave and honest. By making sure he said he loves her no matter what he is being supportive but being honest. My husband is very supportive but is also honest with me that my weight is unhealthy which is plain for all to see and I am obviously aware of this anyway. It is possible to be honest without being rude, unsupportive or making the other person feel useless. I think the problem is that we are so used to bad comments, looks or tactless remarks about our looks, health or weight that we are on the defensive ( I know I often are). I always expect people to have a problem with me because of my weight.

    I am learning that being able to talk about my weight problems with my OH is helpful. He is so good and never pushes, insults or anything. He just cares about me and helps. I think this helps to break the cycle for me anyway.
     
  7. biggysmalls

    biggysmalls Too big to fail

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    I think that most of what he said was fine although the last bit about finding it hard to fancy her was just unnecessary. The I love you and I will always love you bits are key.
     
  8. Sarah-Jayne

    Sarah-Jayne Gold Member

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    My OH said something along the same lines to me, hence why I starting losing weight. I was really offended but now I see it as a good thing as if he hadnt have said it to me I should have *probably* just kept on getting bigger.
     
  9. walkonby

    walkonby Full Member

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    I think Sarah Jane's is the best answer here..He was only saying what may be true, and sometimes the truth hurts, but he must have thought it would get results.
     
  10. Sarah-Jayne

    Sarah-Jayne Gold Member

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    Like I said, at the time I took it proper personally as (as the time) I felt comfortable with myself but I dont think I had truely looked at myself and realised what I had done to myself until someone else pointed it out. Yeah it's harsh and we never like to hear negetive comments but sometimes they are for the best.
     
  11. MissHP

    MissHP Silver Member

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    I can understand why the group was split on their opinions, and it’s a difficult one.
    If he was saying it because he loves her and in the time they have been together she has become unhealthily overweight and although he loves her dearly he no longer finds her attractive, isn’t it better that he’s honest about how he feels but supports her to get to a healthy weight. We don’t know her, maybe she’s desperately unhappy with her weight but struggles to stick to ‘diet’ and saying something like that would keep her on track.

    I know if it was me I would be devastated but also it would make me realise yeah I’m not as healthy as I could be and I don’t have the figure I want and I don’t feel comfortable in my clothes, yeah he’s right I do need to do something about it. I think the fact he said he loves her and will never stop loving her shows he wasn’t saying it to be nasty.

    The truth hurts, but sometimes we need to hear it.
    Hxx
     
  12. Devon Dolce

    Devon Dolce 1lb at a time!

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    By doing SW, we're being honest with ourselves that we need to lose weight; whilst it may sting that someone else sees and says it, really they're probably only saying what we ourselves know already! I'm not sure what I've written makes sense, but I do admire his honesty! xxx
     
  13. vic_palf

    vic_palf Full Member

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    My OH said the same to me but when I was only 8 St!!! He has always liked me bigger and am now back to the weight I was when we met (12st). He loves me at this weight but I don't :(. He's not happy about me losing weight but I'm a bridesmaid in october and would like to get to 9st 7. He is slim and eats whatever he wants which is so frustrating.
     
  14. -Tally-

    -Tally- Silver Member

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    By BF said the same thing to me. He was away at the time visiting his parents and told me via email he was no longer attracted to me because I had put on so much weight. I did prompt it by asking but never expected the answer really. Although I completely understood it I was very hurt and I never replied to him for nearly a week and we nearly broke up because of it.
    That was about 18 months ago and I didn't do anything about it then and I'm not doing anything about it now really, not for him at least.
    I was at SW when he told me, had lost 3 stone but after that I stuck to it for a little while and then went off the boil again, putting the 3 stone back on plus another 1.5 stones bringing me to Jan 2011.

    I kinda always knew he'd gone off me, it's pretty obvious if you know what I mean, it was the lying about it I didn't like, and I suppose the truth was a bit like a slap in the face at the time. Understood as I wouldn't have found someone my size in any way attractive.

    But I ignored it, stopped going to SW group and gradually upped my eating again.

    I've now lost 4 stone and am feeling great. Obviously still large but am totally committed to losing the rest. Not sure if I want to be slim, slim...that seems too big a goal for the moment so am sticking with my mini goals and will see how I feel when I get where I'm going. I'm not doing it for him though. I suppose him being attracted to me again would be nice but this is ALL for me. So even though knowing the truth is better, it didn't do anything to change me, it just made me feel bad.

    I really think you have to hit a bottom YOURSELF, and want to change for yourself, not for someone else.
     
  15. Funky_Munky

    Funky_Munky Put the kettle on

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    I dont agree with what he said tbh but then i guess i dont know the size of the person. I would be heart broken if my husband ever said anything like this to me. I think he couldve said it another way like im really concerned about your health. I think its cruel tbh.
     
  16. Roziee

    Roziee Gold Member

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    Have you seen him since the break up?
     
  17. WelshCake

    WelshCake Silver Member

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    I can understand where he is coming from, I'd not like it if my partner gained a lot of weight and I wouldn't be as attracted to him, I'm not sure I could be honest enough to tell him, as I would always love him, I would worry health wise too, such a difficult one, I don't think there is a right or wrong answer
     
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  19. -Tally-

    -Tally- Silver Member

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    We didn't break up, nearly did.
     
  20. dizzydawnie

    dizzydawnie Silver Member

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    Its the "does my bum look big in this?" situation in my opinion.

    We want to hear what we want to hear half of the time, and it would have taken a great deal of courage for him to have said what he did, and IMO he has said it only for the best reasons - the health and happiness of his love.

    My hubbie drives me mad in that when I go on about being fat my husband always says No, and I hate that, I would much rather his honesty because my BMI does not lie!!

    Hurtful, but if it is truthful and he has said it for the right reasons, then I would love him all the more for wanting to protect me from potential health hazards.

    x
     
  21. Mizkirsty

    Mizkirsty Gold Member

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    I would be absolutely devastated if my oh said that too me - in those words!

    I don't think it would give me a kick in the right direction I think I would end up in a comfort eating frenzy feeling completely worthless.

    I think there are many other ways to show concern
    :s xx
     
  22. Funky_Munky

    Funky_Munky Put the kettle on

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    Just spoke to my husband about this to get a blokes perspective. He said yes say its not healthy and that youre concerned about their health. But even he thought saying you weren't attractive anymore is below the belt. If id said that to him he would show me the door!!!
     
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