AmandaJayne
Trainee Maintainer
Hia everyone,
I haven't posted for a while (or even done much lurking) because I have been getting to grips with my own personal demons.
It is incredibly difficult to talk about, but I have a feeling that I am not alone in having depression, so I thought I would write a bit about my experience. If nothing else, it may help me to make sense of what is going on.
Yesterday I went to see my GP to talk about the return of the depression (after putting it off many times over the past few months because I was in denial).
Whilst I did not want to talk about my returning difficulties because I do so dislike strong emotions (mine or anyone else's) and wanted to avoid 'getting upset' I realised that I could no longer get by on my own, and finally asked for help.
My 7 minute appointment turned into half an hour. My GP asked searching questions which I found incredibly difficult to answer, but answered anyway.
One of the things that came up during the discussion was my attitude to talking about the past, my childhood to be exact. I don't remember much about it and don't particularly want to, and I certainly don't like talking about it. This has come up during LL counselling sessions too, and I don't know why I don't remember or want to remember.
I do think, on reflection, that it is probably where I learned my core belief that I am not worth anything, and that nothing I do is any good, ever. I don't believe anything 'terrible' ever happened, but it is possible that the drip, drip, drip of negative comments gradually hardened these beliefs into certainty. It is terribly sad that these beliefs have, to a greater or lesser extent, infected all areas of my life.
All I know is that, no matter what I've tried to do to change these core beliefs, it has made no appreciable difference. I have put into practice strategies learned at LL counselling sessions, but the bottom line does not change.
At the moment I am at the stage where I am feeling very fragile emotionally but hopefully the anti-depressants will help to take the edge off. I will return to see my GP in four weeks and see what happens from there.
Sez, how're you doing? I was reading your thread yesterday.
AmandaJayne
I haven't posted for a while (or even done much lurking) because I have been getting to grips with my own personal demons.
It is incredibly difficult to talk about, but I have a feeling that I am not alone in having depression, so I thought I would write a bit about my experience. If nothing else, it may help me to make sense of what is going on.
Yesterday I went to see my GP to talk about the return of the depression (after putting it off many times over the past few months because I was in denial).
Whilst I did not want to talk about my returning difficulties because I do so dislike strong emotions (mine or anyone else's) and wanted to avoid 'getting upset' I realised that I could no longer get by on my own, and finally asked for help.
My 7 minute appointment turned into half an hour. My GP asked searching questions which I found incredibly difficult to answer, but answered anyway.
One of the things that came up during the discussion was my attitude to talking about the past, my childhood to be exact. I don't remember much about it and don't particularly want to, and I certainly don't like talking about it. This has come up during LL counselling sessions too, and I don't know why I don't remember or want to remember.
I do think, on reflection, that it is probably where I learned my core belief that I am not worth anything, and that nothing I do is any good, ever. I don't believe anything 'terrible' ever happened, but it is possible that the drip, drip, drip of negative comments gradually hardened these beliefs into certainty. It is terribly sad that these beliefs have, to a greater or lesser extent, infected all areas of my life.
All I know is that, no matter what I've tried to do to change these core beliefs, it has made no appreciable difference. I have put into practice strategies learned at LL counselling sessions, but the bottom line does not change.
At the moment I am at the stage where I am feeling very fragile emotionally but hopefully the anti-depressants will help to take the edge off. I will return to see my GP in four weeks and see what happens from there.
Sez, how're you doing? I was reading your thread yesterday.
AmandaJayne