Depression - it's a b**ch...

AmandaJayne

AmandaJayne

Trainee Maintainer
Hia everyone,

I haven't posted for a while (or even done much lurking) because I have been getting to grips with my own personal demons.

It is incredibly difficult to talk about, but I have a feeling that I am not alone in having depression, so I thought I would write a bit about my experience. If nothing else, it may help me to make sense of what is going on.

Yesterday I went to see my GP to talk about the return of the depression (after putting it off many times over the past few months because I was in denial).

Whilst I did not want to talk about my returning difficulties because I do so dislike strong emotions (mine or anyone else's) and wanted to avoid 'getting upset' I realised that I could no longer get by on my own, and finally asked for help.

My 7 minute appointment turned into half an hour. My GP asked searching questions which I found incredibly difficult to answer, but answered anyway.

One of the things that came up during the discussion was my attitude to talking about the past, my childhood to be exact. I don't remember much about it and don't particularly want to, and I certainly don't like talking about it. This has come up during LL counselling sessions too, and I don't know why I don't remember or want to remember.

I do think, on reflection, that it is probably where I learned my core belief that I am not worth anything, and that nothing I do is any good, ever. I don't believe anything 'terrible' ever happened, but it is possible that the drip, drip, drip of negative comments gradually hardened these beliefs into certainty. It is terribly sad that these beliefs have, to a greater or lesser extent, infected all areas of my life.

All I know is that, no matter what I've tried to do to change these core beliefs, it has made no appreciable difference. I have put into practice strategies learned at LL counselling sessions, but the bottom line does not change.

At the moment I am at the stage where I am feeling very fragile emotionally but hopefully the anti-depressants will help to take the edge off. I will return to see my GP in four weeks and see what happens from there.

Sez, how're you doing? I was reading your thread yesterday.

AmandaJayne
 
Hi AJ, I'm sorry that you are struggling at the moment. I can totally relate to where you are. In fact I have been there many times before. I am currently reducing my dose of happy pills having felt better for a few months now.

But I know that those feelings might just be lurking around the corner, as they have been many times before. Sometimes it's a almost inperceptible slide into depression and you wake up and think, sh!t, how did I get here?

The anti depressants should take the edge off and hopefully you will start to be able to rebuild from there.

You know that I am here for you and next time you are here we should definately have that catch up coffee. I presume Xmas hols might be the next time.

((((Hugs to you)))), even if this post isn't the most practical.
 
"You know that I am here for you and next time you are here we should definately have that catch up coffee. I presume Xmas hols might be the next time.

((((Hugs to you))))"

Thanks hun, your message means a lot. Deffo see you during Christmas hols!
AJ
 
Hi AJ, good to see you on the forum. I'm glad you're getting some help. I feel for you - I have some similar core beliefs which I hope have been dealt with (mostly) but they do pop up again from time to time! Being aware that food is not the answer does make it more difficult to deal with problems but, given time, we can all work through them. As Westiegirl says, I'm sure the anti depressants will take the edge off. I think you're right about not being alone - several people have mentioned thinking that once they'd lost the weight they thought all would be well but... Your GP sounds switched on - at least you've got proper support. Keep going - it will get better.
Thanks for being brave enough to use the D word - it must be a help when people are able to be open and honest about it. I'm fortunate not to have gone beyond "really miserable" but I know people who have and it's so debilitating. Getting help is the first step to beating it. Let us know how things go - you have a lot of admirers on minis!
 
What a moving thread! I can so relate to what you say.
AJ I too have childhood issues but unlike you I know what mine are! All came flooding back to me about 20 years ago (i'm 43). I totally blocked out what happened to me and did not believe you could do that until it happened to me!
Best of luck with the tablets and I hope things get better for you very quickly
You know we are all here for you - please feel free to send me a private message if it might help
Sending lots of cyber hugs

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
AJ I so empathise with what you have said as I'm sure other will too. I had a very negative/critical childhood and had serious issues with my mother. I too suffer with depression and am on anti-depressants. I feel I may have made a break through with my feelings towards my mother as I went and saw a hypnotherapist for some sessions a few months ago and it certainly has helped me deal with how I am around her.

I am sorry you feel so rough and can relate to it - I too am takin time away from posting, reading and lurking occasionally. But your post was one I felt empathy with and wanted you to know that you are not alone. Feel free to PM/email me too if you want to.

(((HUGS))) and hope you soon start to feel better. xx
 
"Thanks for being brave enough to use the D word"

Hia, Goombgirl!
It's is so good to hear from you. You are so right though because it has taken me years to actually come to terms with accepting that I have episodes of depression, and then to actually admit to someone else has been very difficult. However, the world did not actually end once I had taken the plunge and talked about it!




"All came flooding back to me about 20 years ago (i'm 43). I totally blocked out what happened to me and did not believe you could do that until it happened to me!"

Hello there Minnie64,

I'm 43 too. Nearly 44, actually:sigh:. It is funny but, I noticed at the doctors yesterday that as soon as she started asking questions about parents/childhood I erected a 'wall' and 'couldn't remember' much at all about my childhood. Hmmm.

Thanks for your lovely comments and support.




"...your post was one I felt empathy with and wanted you to know that you are not alone"

Hia Flirty!
It's a realy minefield, isn't it. Families, you can't choose 'em! I realised that my post would strike a chord with other members. It is one of those horrible 'invisible' diseases which we all suffer from in silence and self-imposed isolation. Thanks for your support, Flirty.

AmandaJayne
 
Hey AJ - me too! I'm only ever a heartbeat away from plunging into the doldrums - despite counselling, a couple of courses of anti-depressants and being happier now than I've even been before in my life. It really doesn't take that much to burst my little bubble - no matter what I try.

I try to put on a brave face to the world, but a single inappropriate word from someone can ruin my whole day. Because I think they're right, deep down, I suppose?!?

I really hope that you start to feel better very soon - serotonin is a wonderful thing but it's too often in short supply!

(((HUGS)))
 
Hia Isobel,

"I try to put on a brave face to the world, but a single inappropriate word from someone can ruin my whole day. Because I think they're right, deep down, I suppose?!?"

That's exactly right, Isobel. One single negative comment is a really big deal. As far as counselling goes, the LL counselling has been good in that it has flagged up issues I hadn't been aware of, but it is not appropriate for this problem. I may have to get further help elsewhere. I am (understandably) not happy to do this because (as is the nature of depression) the last thing I want to do is discuss particular issues!

Hia Dancing!

"gttting further into the CBT with private counselling sessions or NLP. But it will take time until you feel up to tackling it, probably."

Yeah, spot on there, Dancing. I am giving it a month for the pills to kick in. I have to say though, nothing beats the feel-good factor I got from being in ketosis!

I agree that going to the GP was a sensible idea - for everybody else, that is! Why do we give ourselves such a hard time? No really, I am relieved that I got it over with. I worried about the appointment all week. Crazy, eh!

Thanks so much Isobel and Dancing for sharing your experiences. At least I am now feeling depressed as a slim person, which is a huge improvement from the last episode!:D
 
This struck a cord with me too. I had a bad case of depression about 2 years ago after the loss of my very dear dad.
I slipped downwards into depression that year and it was only when a very close and dear friend pointed out that the spark had gone from my eyes that I faced up to the problem and sought help.
I was put on tablets and found that when I told folk I was taking some time off work due to depression that the whole world had been there at some point!
I came off them last year and I now find myself slipping there again. I know that I need to go and seek the help again but having moved I know it is a new experience with a new doctor and that is a bit offputting. We all seem to bury our heads in the sand for so long when we know things are creeping up on us and I, like others, put on the smiling happy face for all to see when my heart is breaking inside. There was no offer of councelling the first time round, just pills, and I am going to go down that route this time I think.
The comment about one word turning your world upside down is very true and I guess that is the very self critical folk that we are.
I know I am doing well with the weight loss but I still struggle with the strokes I receive and that doesn't help me any. I know I need to love myself more.
To everyone who is in the same boat, we are doing something about it and that can only be a good thing, now, I just need to look out the number of the local Docs for Monday and get myself onto those happy pills!!!
Take care all of you.
x
 
Aj, first ly, many thanks for your PM's. It means a lot to me.

I have not felt "brave enough" before to admit that the way I am feeling might be considered despression. Some times I just want to run and hide away from everything, as I cannot cope with the real world. Tonight, after cooking tea for the family, I went upstairs for a lie down before attacking the housework. Now I cant beleive I am going to tell hundreds of people this, but to me it sums up a lot... Once upon a time, I was an adult thumb sucker. No-one knew apart from my immediate family, and it was my guilty, but comforting secret until my mid-20's when I just stopped with no effort at all. Tonight, completely unplanned, I liay on my bed, curled into a foetal position and my thumb went in my mouth. (its ok, carb free!) Why on earth did I do that? It was purely a comfort thing, I am sure of that.

I often feel I cannot cope with anything, I am usless, a failure and a lousy mother to boot. Prior to admitting these feelings here on Minis, I dont think I had even admitted them to myself.

After reading all these excellent repsonses to AJ, I am considering seeing my GP, for a chat or more, if its needed.

AJ, again thanks and big big hugs. Huge hugd and love to the rest of you too. WOW! Every day I am grateful to Mini for this forum....
 
It's funny how we feel like we cannot really talk about depression openly, as if there is a stigma attached to it. In some cases there may be, but in these modern times it is so common yet so undiscussed.

The first time I had a major depressive episode I was crying out for help but felt unable to help myself. In the end my (now ex) partner had to make me an appointment at the doctor's. I felt totally unable to even pick up the telephone like I was a huge failure for having to seek help or that the receptionist would "just know" what was wrong with me and judge me as a "looper".

The tablets did take a few weeks to work but the relief of having the issue out in the open (but only with my close family) slightly lifted my mood immediately. It was a long haul back to normality, and almost as imperceptible as the slide down and I can barely recall the moment I knew I was "better". I have had 3 subsquent major depressive bouts the last only being last January (which I did log on my diary at the time and is actually quite insightful but quite saddening for me to read now). I had counselling sessions too from a few different counsellors over the years but have never really achieved any value from any one of them.

Scotwannabethin and Sez ((hugs)) to you too and I hope you manage to get things on the road to recovery for yourselves soon. Please take that step because it is so important!
 
Hello AJ and hello everyone else

This is a short message - sorry, moved house today - but came on here to feel better and a bit more connected.

AJ - you are definitely not alone, not at all. As you can see, others know exactly how you are feeling. Hooray for everyone for being so honest. I had clinical depression diagnosed in January and just like Minnie64, I know the causes.

Whether or not you are aware of the causes, you will be totally familiar with the effects - your friend and mine, core and limiting beliefs!

I wish I could write more, now, but I am sooooooo tired. AJ - I send you love and a big kiss and I will try to think about what has helped me and then I'll post. I have not gone down the drugs route for several reasons, so I hope I can add something of use when I come back properly to minis.

AJ - you have been so kind and inspirational to me, particularly during Foundation; I hope I can return the favour by pointing you in one or two complementary directions.

Take care.

Mrs Lxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
Just a quickie to say - girls - I'm thinking of you all today and hoping that we all get through today with a glimmer of joy somewhere.

Hang on in there, everyone, you are not alone!!


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
Isobel1965 said:
Just a quickie to say - girls - I'm thinking of you all today and hoping that we all get through today with a glimmer of joy somewhere.

Hang on in there, everyone, you are not alone!!


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Click to expand...

Thanks Isobel. Not a great start for me today! Planned shopping trip with sister failed at first hurdle (she didnt turn up, blames me). OH grumpy with me, when I asked why, he said "Nothing" . I asked what I had done this time and my reply was "Its all about you again isnt it?"

Ho hum.... just been sitting here, thats it just sitting and staring at th wall. No inclination to do anything. I could do this all day, except my son has a teenage mate over later so they wouldnt be too impressed.
 
Amanda (Loopy) said:
But in reality......I'm alone

(that wasn't meant to sound stroppy....if it does sorry )
Click to expand...

No, doesn't sound stroppy to me. Know exactly what you mean.

I just wish I could get out of my own head sometimes. My head and me aren't always the best of friends:(

Should add something postive here. Something about the light at the end of the tunnel or something. Unfortunately all positive thoughts seem to have gone AWOL from my head.

Told you 'head' and I aren't the best of friends.
 
Hi Guys just want to say I can relate to what everyone is saying here...and i think the reasons we can all relate to is because we all realise that in some way we all used food to cope with our emotions or problems whether deep rooted, from the past or current and now in the present. Now that we are on LL either on the journey or finished the main cause of our problem(s) have not gone away all we have done is remove an outlet for it and are now having to deal with it whatever it is makes us unhappy and depressed sometimes. I have realised that once I have finished LL i will benefit from seeing a consellor or shrink to talk through my issues as i need a new outlet or find a way of coming to terms with whatever is going on in my head, now I know we all know this and i am only saying what has been said before. But for me on days when i feel my absolute lowest i try and i think of everything i have achieved, i try and think of the days when i thought i could sink no lower in my depression and hatred for myself, my body, my life and the voices in my head. I look back at that person (look at old photos etc) and compare my feelings to then and now and look at what i have managed to achieve and give myself some good strokes as they say on LL...sometimes it helps for a short while to put things in prespective and not beat myself up too much. I also look around my life and what i have and try and be grateful for my the good things, my house, my family, my friends, fav things on tv, music and the things i don't like i realise that i need to change them one step at a time because i can, i proved that by taking the step to change my life on LL. My problems don't go away forever but it helps to keep things in balance. Our journey will never end but what we must all do is just find a way to exist with our demons without letting it stop us living our lives and appreciating everything that we have as others are not so fortunate.

Just my random thoughts on it all!

Mad x
 
Hello there scotwannabethin,

I can totally relate to your comment "put on the smiling happy face". Doesn't it seem like we can be two different persons, the 'real' us hiding away while the 'public' us pretends everything is normal. I see from your ticker that you are more than half way to goal, you are on the home straight now... best of luck, and thanks for sharing your experiences.

AmandaJayne
 
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