Thornhill Cate
50+ and fabulous
Well done on hitting the 15s!!
Total Solution Desperately Seeking Slim
- Thread starter coffeemate
- Start date
coffeemate
Full Member
Apologies in advance for what is probably going to be a rambling post.
I saw my cousin's wedding photos earlier this morning. I was horrified to see that I looked like the Michelin Man. I'm absolutely horrified to see that my chin. . . well, there is no chin, just blubber. I'd lost perhaps a stone when the photo was taken, but still. . . . I'm mortified that's what people see when they look at me.
When I was young, say 11, 12 ish, mum said to me that I needed to lose weight and that she'd diet with me, for motivation. She set up a jar and each week we'd put in 50p and whoever got to the target, we'd win the jar. I wasn't really ever that interested in dieting and so never did. She tried on a couple of other occasions to get me to lose weight, but I never took up the offer.
My lovely boyfriend made a collage for me for my birthday, pictures of me as a little girl with mum, dad, family, friends all the way from being a baby up to now. What left me gob-smacked was that I was never, ever overweight, not until I was about 19 (which I lost by the age of 21). I was super skinny. I was tall, broad shoulders, wide hips, big feet - I'm definitely an Amazonian warrior woman (which means I can carry excess body weight easier than some), but I was never fat.
This isn't about mother bashing, for whatever reason I'm sure she thought she was doing the right thing, whether because of projection, competition or just her own need for moral support (mum carries a lot of excess weight too), but I guess I've been thinking about the impact it had on my self-image, or more the way I see my own body. If, as a child, you're told by this omnipotent figure (which, to a certain extent your parents are, or at least, my mum was) you're fat and when you look at yourself, you don't see it - well, you can't really trust your own eyes can you? Even now, when I look in the mirror I do not see that massive Michelin Man that I see in those photos, and yet there it is. And yet, there were times that I was really thin - I was about 23 then I guess and at the time I felt so big. It was just seeing it all laid out there for me and remembering how I felt about my weight at the time and it just being totally skew-whiff. And my dress size must have changed but still . . . so disconnected from my own body. And in absolute denial about my actual size - and still in denial. That photo isn't yet a month old. Really, really shocking. I feel humiliated and deeply ashamed.
Note to self; I'm biased, but the scales don't lie.
Sorry for long post - just rambling thoughts.
I saw my cousin's wedding photos earlier this morning. I was horrified to see that I looked like the Michelin Man. I'm absolutely horrified to see that my chin. . . well, there is no chin, just blubber. I'd lost perhaps a stone when the photo was taken, but still. . . . I'm mortified that's what people see when they look at me.
When I was young, say 11, 12 ish, mum said to me that I needed to lose weight and that she'd diet with me, for motivation. She set up a jar and each week we'd put in 50p and whoever got to the target, we'd win the jar. I wasn't really ever that interested in dieting and so never did. She tried on a couple of other occasions to get me to lose weight, but I never took up the offer.
My lovely boyfriend made a collage for me for my birthday, pictures of me as a little girl with mum, dad, family, friends all the way from being a baby up to now. What left me gob-smacked was that I was never, ever overweight, not until I was about 19 (which I lost by the age of 21). I was super skinny. I was tall, broad shoulders, wide hips, big feet - I'm definitely an Amazonian warrior woman (which means I can carry excess body weight easier than some), but I was never fat.
This isn't about mother bashing, for whatever reason I'm sure she thought she was doing the right thing, whether because of projection, competition or just her own need for moral support (mum carries a lot of excess weight too), but I guess I've been thinking about the impact it had on my self-image, or more the way I see my own body. If, as a child, you're told by this omnipotent figure (which, to a certain extent your parents are, or at least, my mum was) you're fat and when you look at yourself, you don't see it - well, you can't really trust your own eyes can you? Even now, when I look in the mirror I do not see that massive Michelin Man that I see in those photos, and yet there it is. And yet, there were times that I was really thin - I was about 23 then I guess and at the time I felt so big. It was just seeing it all laid out there for me and remembering how I felt about my weight at the time and it just being totally skew-whiff. And my dress size must have changed but still . . . so disconnected from my own body. And in absolute denial about my actual size - and still in denial. That photo isn't yet a month old. Really, really shocking. I feel humiliated and deeply ashamed.
Note to self; I'm biased, but the scales don't lie.
Sorry for long post - just rambling thoughts.
Susie58
Gold Member
Lots of us understand how you felt looking at the photos CM. Thats the main reason why I avoid having photographs done. They make you confront reality. Thats why we are here at the end of the day. Wish I was amazonian but alas I'm a shorty with a big bum lol. We will get there and facing up to our own little horrors is a big part of the journey I suppose x
bob123
Silver Member
I'm so with you on the photos cm, I swear I have the reverse of anorexia, when I look in the mirror I think I look ok, god then when you see the photos!! The horror! It shocked me back onto this diet once and for all.
My mum was always obsessed with dieting too... And I think she encouraged me too. But then we'd both just put it all back on again. I've been yoyo dieting since I was about 13 I think. I find that shocking. That's partly the reason I don't want children yet, I seriously want my weight issues under control before we go there - I don't want my children to pick up bad habits from me.
My mum was always obsessed with dieting too... And I think she encouraged me too. But then we'd both just put it all back on again. I've been yoyo dieting since I was about 13 I think. I find that shocking. That's partly the reason I don't want children yet, I seriously want my weight issues under control before we go there - I don't want my children to pick up bad habits from me.
If at first..
Full Member
Hello lovely
I just popped by to subscribe to your diary and reading through so much rings true with me and some other things you said made me stop and think too.
I know the news stories bang on about this, and in my opinion a slim pregnancy is a happier one but that is because being pregnant and a chubber is much harder work, and you feel like a leper at the hospital lol! But I would say not to worry too much about fertility and getting to term safely - I think that unless there are other underlying fertility issues, being overweight is less of an issue that they make out - I conceived both my 2 very overweight, both the first week of trying and had brilliant pregnancies. I watch them like a hawk very carefully (without them knowing lol) and neither is showing any propensity to gain weight.
Now then. I really feel your pain here. When I look at all the photos of myself as a child and growing up, I am slim in all except a few around the age of 9 but even in those I wasn't fat, I was probably just due a growth spurt and all would even itself out. BUT we all got weighed at school and the nurse told my parents to put me on a diet. That was where it all started, and why I have spent my whole life battling with weight. My parents just did what someone in what they thought of as authority told them, they never stopped to question whether a full blown calorie counted diet was necessary, whether maybe just sending me to a swimming lesson and a dancing lesson every week would sort the very small amount of extra weight out. They didn't think - oh yeah, 9 is pre-pubescent, she is putting on a little puppy fat which is part of growing up, normal and easily managed. No. At the age of 9 I was eating crisp breads and had intimate knowledge of the calorie content of most foods. So so wrong. I lost weight of course, I got well skinny, but it was the start of a wholly unhealthy relationship with food, dieting, starving myself, (although never binging & throwing up at least) - and I uttely, utterly messed up my metabolism. ANd have been cycling between fat and thin ever since - I'm 42 now! It's so sad and like you I am not mum bashing , I don't blame her. I do think that people in authority with a little but not enough knowledge can be dangerous though!
Sorry I have hijacked your thread there somewhat but it did me good to think through what happened and where the root of my struggles with weight lie. - I'll pop that in my own diary i that is ok.
So, back to you chicken. VERY WELL DONE on how it's going so far, you are doing extremely well. It may help to try and find a balance with the booze ratherthan complete denial I don't know. I am BIG on my white wine - pre exante, like you a glass could very well turn into a bottle especially after a tough day with the children, it's terrible but it's like instant shoulders down relaxation in a glass lol! I have found though that if I allow muself a couple of glasses here and there at occasions, on the condition I don't eat as a result, and get straight back on the horse the next morning, it has worked out ok and I have't ended up drinking loads as a result of denying myself completely. But everyone is different I know, you may be better trying to steer clear completely. Suck it and see.
Hope you are having a good day chick xxx
I just popped by to subscribe to your diary and reading through so much rings true with me and some other things you said made me stop and think too.
I know what you meant when you wrote that - I am on my way to almost 3 stone lost since late June and it is still not very noticeable to others - gobsmacking to think that!
First time round (this is my second time losing 10stone on a VLCD gah) I stayed 100% abstinent for 9 months - this time I am having milk in my first coffee of the day. It doesn't seem to be affecting losses. I did try replacing with Soy Milk some time ago when I was on a low carb diet. This is much lower in carbs, and I did adjust to the taste, only it would curdle more often than not when it hit the coffee - not sure whether it would be more successful in tea?
Woooo Hooooo How Exciting!!!! Congratulations!!! :candledinner:
I know the news stories bang on about this, and in my opinion a slim pregnancy is a happier one but that is because being pregnant and a chubber is much harder work, and you feel like a leper at the hospital lol! But I would say not to worry too much about fertility and getting to term safely - I think that unless there are other underlying fertility issues, being overweight is less of an issue that they make out - I conceived both my 2 very overweight, both the first week of trying and had brilliant pregnancies. I watch them like a hawk very carefully (without them knowing lol) and neither is showing any propensity to gain weight.
Now then. I really feel your pain here. When I look at all the photos of myself as a child and growing up, I am slim in all except a few around the age of 9 but even in those I wasn't fat, I was probably just due a growth spurt and all would even itself out. BUT we all got weighed at school and the nurse told my parents to put me on a diet. That was where it all started, and why I have spent my whole life battling with weight. My parents just did what someone in what they thought of as authority told them, they never stopped to question whether a full blown calorie counted diet was necessary, whether maybe just sending me to a swimming lesson and a dancing lesson every week would sort the very small amount of extra weight out. They didn't think - oh yeah, 9 is pre-pubescent, she is putting on a little puppy fat which is part of growing up, normal and easily managed. No. At the age of 9 I was eating crisp breads and had intimate knowledge of the calorie content of most foods. So so wrong. I lost weight of course, I got well skinny, but it was the start of a wholly unhealthy relationship with food, dieting, starving myself, (although never binging & throwing up at least) - and I uttely, utterly messed up my metabolism. ANd have been cycling between fat and thin ever since - I'm 42 now! It's so sad and like you I am not mum bashing , I don't blame her. I do think that people in authority with a little but not enough knowledge can be dangerous though!
Sorry I have hijacked your thread there somewhat but it did me good to think through what happened and where the root of my struggles with weight lie. - I'll pop that in my own diary i that is ok.
So, back to you chicken. VERY WELL DONE on how it's going so far, you are doing extremely well. It may help to try and find a balance with the booze ratherthan complete denial I don't know. I am BIG on my white wine - pre exante, like you a glass could very well turn into a bottle especially after a tough day with the children, it's terrible but it's like instant shoulders down relaxation in a glass lol! I have found though that if I allow muself a couple of glasses here and there at occasions, on the condition I don't eat as a result, and get straight back on the horse the next morning, it has worked out ok and I have't ended up drinking loads as a result of denying myself completely. But everyone is different I know, you may be better trying to steer clear completely. Suck it and see.
Hope you are having a good day chick xxx
coffeemate
Full Member
just read your diary, you're doing so well. i hope i can do as well as you, day 1 for me
Thanks! How are you getting on?
Kate and IAF - thank you! Got the venue booked for Nov 2015 - had to book far in advance as mum and dad live abroad these days and wanted to give them time to sort out flights. I'm going to be a Mrs!!
IAF - I have PCOS as well so the weight and fertility plays on my mind sometimes, although I'm a strong believer in crossing bridges when I come to them. It does niggle at the back of my mind sometimes. No problems in the hi-jack! It was. . . . reassuring isn't the right word, but comforting to know I'm not the only one who was put on unnecessary diets as a kid!
Had a bit of struggle for the past couple of days. Tuesday I was so hungry! I felt like I could devour the entire contents of my kitchen and still have room for pudding! The other half was rubbish! I think he misses food treat too so when I was all 'I wanna eat', he was all 'it's your decision' (subtext, go on, cheat and get a take away). I was so, so, so close to caving. We'd actually ordered (but not paid) when I finally put my foot down and told him no. I'm sure I've done more difficult things in my life but at that moment it was such a struggle. I went to bed hungry and couldn't sleep.
Yesterday wasn't much better, nor today. Yesterday I had planned to meet a friend's mum after work and she would not have understood if I didn't eat (plus it's fundamentally weird to go for dinner then not eat dinner) so had a tuna salad (no potatoes). It wasn't all that nice to be honest and I felt a bit cheated (why? I ate proper food, crunchy food!) and when I got home I had 4 chedder biscuits with Marmite on. Oh my days I miss Marmite.
Today again I have that empty feeling that just won't quit. Perhaps it's TOTM - I have no idea when that's due. Perhaps it's the weather.
Here's hoping for a fuller day tomorrow.
x-Katie-x
Gold Member
Very well done for not giving in and eating, especially when so close - that takes a hell of a lot of willpower!
It it probably is down to totm as to why you're struggling, that's what did it for me last week, I stupidly started the diet when I was due on, there was no hope for me xx
It it probably is down to totm as to why you're struggling, that's what did it for me last week, I stupidly started the diet when I was due on, there was no hope for me xx
Trying hard 2014
Gold Member
Hang in there CM!
Keep fighting because the reward is worth it x
Keep fighting because the reward is worth it
x
coffeemate
Full Member
Urgh! STS for me this week - although I did eat out twice and get quite merry on Saturday evening. Problem is that if I slip on a Saturday, I blow it for the whole weekend.
I keep slipping & its having a consequence on my weight loss. I need to switch things up, so maybe start daily exercise but go on WS. Urgh, I hate exercise.
I keep slipping & its having a consequence on my weight loss. I need to switch things up, so maybe start daily exercise but go on WS. Urgh, I hate exercise.
Trying hard 2014
Gold Member
STS is good result for having had meals. Well done x
x
