Diary of a binge eater.

[kel86]

Well after all my good intentions I blew it big style, ended up binging on crisps, bread, cheese, butter,mayo, chocolate and biscuits. And then I had to finish the biscuits this morning.
There was no reason for the binge I was just hungry but there's plenty of fruit in the house I just chose the wrong foods

I think in going to spend the next couple days researching distraction techniques and also cognitive therapy, may also look for self help books. If I find anything interesting ill post here.

I'm really glad I came her, it's really positive that we've found people in the similar situation to draw support from. I've seen other diarys on here where people have managed to beat the binge, I hope we can to xx

 

[flabtofit]

Today is a new day Kel86.

You had a bad day, don't beat yourself up about it, today is a new day.

We're all here to support each other

 

[BingoBango]

Kel86, keep your chin up. As much as we want to be perfect all the time, there will be days when we have a wobble because we are human. One bad day does not define you, please remember that (should take note of this myself ;-P)

I bought a couple of books but didn't put much stock in what they said. The one said I should hypnotise myself to eat less (and helpfully included a hypnosis CD!). The other said I should eat anything I want and after I while I would naturally eat less. Ermmm... not quite!

 

[flabtofit]

Yep BingoBango. We need to try to not beat ourselves up when we have bad days or inevitably we feel bad and that leads to another binge etc...

Ah I know what we should and shouldn't do just wish I could heady own advice lol.

As mother keeps telling me - losing weight is hard and being fat is hard - you juat have to choose your 'hard'

 

[BingoBango]

Losing weight is hard and being fat is hard - you juat have to choose your 'hard'

Never thought of it that way, but it's true. Your mom has opened my eyes!

 

[flabtofit]

Lol oh I better not tell her that or I'll never hear the end of it lol ;-)

 

[porkypaul]

I know I need to speak to someone because I have always had this problem to some extent, although doing WeightWatchers seems to have made it worse. While I was losing weight (for about a year) I never binged because I was highly motivated, but as soon as I reached my goal weight it started again and has not stopped since. I cannot seem to find a balance, I am either angelic and ultra disciplined or I fall off the wagon completely. I cannot understand people who can just have one biscuit and leave the rest for another day. If there are 20 biscuits in the cupboard, I have to have all 20 or throw all 20 out.

Even as a man (not that that should make a difference) I can fully and exactly understand what you are saying here as I am (and have been) exactly the same as you. Ten years ago I got down to goal and immediately I began to binge again. It was as if getting to goal triggered the switch from being ultra disciplined to opposite end of the scale (no pun intended). Needless to say all the weight I lost, some 6 stone, went back on again. I don't think I maintained my goal weight for any longer than two days.

Where you say you can't understand people who can have one biscuit and then leave the rest...I have a strange comparison; My best friend of 45 years is a recovering alcoholic, he hasn't had a drink for 14 years now. I saw him through the very worst of his alcoholism and he used to say that he can't understand how people can have one or two drinks and then just stop. He''d say that if he had one drink, he'd have to carry on until he was drunk or ran out of money. I'm the same as you on the biscuit thing and I can only put it down to addiction.

As I've said in my own diary, it's been a year to the day (today) that I gave up smoking..Thirty years a smoker too!!.I'm now on the road to crack my food/binge eating addiction. It's a long hard road with many a battle to win but it can be done. But one has to understand that even when at goal, with the binge eating addiction put aside, it's a lifelong battle to keep the addiction at bay - I don't think I've ever seen it this way before, let alone understand why I've always done it.

 

[flabtofit]

I've never before compared my binge eating to alcoholism but the analogy is spot on!

I suppose it is an addiction, just gota try and find a path through...

 

[kel86]

I agree it is an addiction and a way of coping just as an alcoholic or drug addict does. I always tell myself that ill be cured once I reach target because ill be truly happy but as I've seen here its a lot harder to maintain. Paul how are you dealing with it?

 

[flabtofit]

I think maintaining is the scary bit - when your losing weight you have a focus but how do you maintain that focus and determination long term?

 

[flabtofit]

Does anyone else also complusivly weigh?
I weigh every morning in an attempt to keep me on track but also weigh myself after a binge and then proceed to feel worse...

 

[porkypaul]

I agree it is an addiction and a way of coping just as an alcoholic or drug addict does. I always tell myself that ill be cured once I reach target because ill be truly happy but as I've seen here its a lot harder to maintain. Paul how are you dealing with it?

I'm dealing with it by having a new mind-set I suppose, being much more honest and admitting that it is, in fact, an addiction. I don't see it as an addiction to food per say but and addiction to binge eating. Doesn't sound like that makes sense but one has to look deeper. What I'm doing by binge eating is punishing myself, almost as if I don't deserve to feel (or look) good about myself, considering I have rarely done so then that's no surprise.

It's not really a battle to lose weight it's a mental battle about accepting I am allowed to look good, to feel good about myself, to be attractive to other people and to be liked for who I truly am. I see now that losing the weight is the easy bit, stick to your eating plan and the excess weight will go - it's not rocket science. What one has to do is adjust one's mind-set as you go. If I don't do that then I'll get to target, look in the mirror and see the same person/body I see now and the whole vicious cycle will begin again.

And yes, I used to compulsive weigh...most days in fact. I now see that as very dangerous, so much so that I have thrown out the expensive set of electronic scales I purchased earlier in the year as I had to remove that temptation. Isn't there a danger of becoming obsessed with you (daily) weight? One day you'll jump on the scales and they'll be some natural reason for you showing as having gained, cue negativity, cue 'one must punish oneself', cue a binge eating session....cue the on-set of the vicious cycle.

 

[kel86]

I would defiantly get rid of the scales, I did. It only makes the cycle harder to break especially if you weigh after a binge. I make the effort to weigh on the gym scales once a week.

 

[flabtofit]

Your right Paul - weighing is becoming another addiction just like binge eating.

To get rid of my scales is such a frightening thought but I do realise that my combination of binge eating and complusive weighing is putting me in danger of developing an even worse relationship with food.

Time to change I think - New Yr makes things psychologically easier to try new things so out with the scales (gulp) and try to stick to plan.

Fingers crossed..

 

[BingoBango]

I think maintaining is the scary bit - when your losing weight you have a focus but how do you maintain that focus and determination long term?

I maintained for 2 years. What worked for me was to weigh myself weekly and immediately take measures to lose the weight if I saw the scales creeping up. It's much easier to get rid of 500g than it is to get rid of 2kgs. Well that's the theory anyway. With my binge eating it wasn't (isn't) so easy, but I generally got there in the end. All was well until I went on holiday for 3 weeks in August and gained 10 pounds!

My motivation to maintain is mainly that I don't want to become like my mother. My mom is only 64 (and I love her dearly) but is so unfit that she can't even walk around town for an hour or two of shopping without needing to sit down for a rest. She suffers from back problems, knee problems, hip problems, etc etc all of which she uses as an excuse not to exercise. (I think she has many of these problems because she doesn't exercise or eat well, but that is another post!).

As I have got older I have realised that your world shrinks dramatically if you are not physically mobile and I see it in my mother. There are so many beautiful things I would love to show her when she visits me here in Belgium, but she just can't cope with that level of activity. So she sits at home all day knitting. (one day we went on a beautiful 9km walk - not a hike - and she couldn't enjoy it at all because she was so tired :-( )I don't think she is unhappy with her life but how much happier wouldn't she be if she could get about more? See the sights, do new things, meet new people? She lives alone in South Africa and I worry that when she can't drive anymore she will start to get very lonely.

I don't want to be like that when I am her age because, quite frankly, it scares the sh!#t out of me. I want to be the 64 year old who scales Mt Kilimanjaro and is still mentally agile and alert. I don't want to be old person who sits at home all day because I'm not capable of doing anything else. There are so many awesome things in life that I still want to do and I won't be able to do any of them properly (or enjoy doing them) if I'm overweight.

Sorry, this turned into a bit of a rant:copon:

And of course I'm all talk, when I myself have so much weight to lose, but hopefully you know what I mean.

 

[flabtofit]

I can totally see where your coming from BingoBango.

Thank you for your honest and from the heart post.

Everyone has their reasons for losing weight and yours are very powerful.

I just hope I can find my inspiration when I get to target to keep it off...we shall see when I get there, I've got quite a long way to go...

 

[BingoBango]

I don't think I maintained my goal weight for any longer than two days.

This is exactly what happened to me. I went for my WI and my coach said, "You can stop now." And at that precise moment it felt like something snapped in my head and I haven't seen that weight since. I know I said I maintained for two years in an earlier post, but I maintained a weight that was 4kgs heavier than my goal.

I think for people with serious issues with food (and consequently weight), things like WeightWatchers, SlimmingWorld etc, only focus on the symptom (the weight gain) and not the real problem. The real problem is, as you say, the addiction to food and what lies behind that addiction. And when you get to your goal weight, it's only the symptom that goes away, not the problem.

Kel86, I also always thought that when I got down to goal my life would be perfect (I still sometimes think that!). But, like you, experience has made me realise that that won't happen. It is a lifelong battle. And I do think that just realising that (and accepting it) is taking a big step in the right direction.

 

[BingoBango]

Flabtofit, I have a book at home that lists a bunch of reasons for losing weight, which (purposefully) have nothing to do with looking good. I'll go dig it up and post a few of those reasons here. Maye they can help inspire you

 

[flabtofit]

Aw thank you BingoBango.

I too seem to be disillusioned and think that when I've lost all the weight then the rest of my life will slot into place, not likely though but I live in hope. I suppose you have to work at anything worth having.

I also agree that slimming clubs need to also sort the psychological battle that slimmers have with food - if we can't change our mindsets then we will never get to the root of the problem - #sigh#

 

[kel86]

Well as the new year looms I just want to right down my hopes and wishes for 2013.

First things first I'd love to beat the binge or even get to a point where there less frequent and do not take over my life.

The second wish is to loose this weight and successfully maintain. I've been tryin for 8 yrs now enough is enough. My main reasons for loosing weight is to be a better example to my children and also to ensure im at my healthiest to always be around for them. I also just want to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see, and lastly to regain my confidence

Well there it is,my new year wishes

Happy new year to all of you xxx