Well I'm pleased to report a MUCH better weigh in result this week
I was a day early with my weigh in, as I was going out for a drink yesterday evening with my friends so I needed to carb-up a bit in preparation. And the result was a 4.5lb loss! Much more than I ever hoped or imagined I would lose this week...and enough to see me back into virgin blubber
This also means that I'm now only 2.5lbs away from my ultimate goal of 10st 5lbs! Which unless I seriously mess up, could be acheived within the next couple of weeks
As I said, I was out last night so had roughly 1600 calories yesterday - partly in preparation, and partly in alcohol consumed. Obviously that's over twice my normal daily intake so I don't know how it'll influence next week's weigh in, but I'm hoping that 6 days will be long enough to see me back on the straight and narrow.
I'm now seriously starting to brick it about maintenence though - days like yesterday make me realise how much work I need to do to overcome my demons. Don't get me wrong, I was happy with 1600 including alcohol, but I was in constant battle with myself all day about the relative merits of having 'a bit of what I fancied' (i.e cake, bread, chocolate etc) rather than seeing the extra food as a purely practical solution to the fact that I wanted to drink alcohol that day.
In the end I met myself half way really, I had porridge for brunch, a skinny cappucino from Costa mid afternoon with a 80 cals worth of choc. I then had steak and wedges for tea, followed by my vodka later on. That all felt quite controlled, but I did endulge in some of the olives that were brought to our table (dressed in oil) and I did have 5 chunks of Lindt white chocolate when I got home (resolve weakened by the vodka). So obviously I didn't choose my food with the sole purpose of fuel/bulk yesterday, but it was nowhere near as bad as the kind of day I've been having recently when I've taken days/weekends off-plan.
Another thing I wanted to report was a little NSV I had yesterday
I've been looking for some new black jeans lately, and I wanted them to be high waisted to disguise my lumps/bumps/excess skin...anyway, I was searching eBay last weekend and stumbled on some from Topshop - size 14 (32w), black, high waisted, exactly what I was looking for.
The problem was that Topshop has always been one of those shops that's been totally off-bounds for me - the last time I remember even trying anything on was when I was about 13 years old and I was out shopping with my mum. I wanted to find something in Topshop because it was seen as the most fashionable place to shop at the time, and all my friends got their clothes there. But everything was so tiny, and even at 13 years old I was already far from tiny. Eventually I decided to try a sheer, crinkly kinda blouse/top thing that looked vaguely loose fitting on the hanger and I thought might fit me. My mum came to the changing room with me, and in the most sensitive way possible, had to tell me that it already looked a bit on the tight side, and that if I carried on 'growing' then I wasn't going to get my wear out of it before if became too small.
So feeling totally disheartened, I left Topshop, carried on 'growing' and never even came close to being able to try anything on there ever again! And ever since I've always felt so out of place even walking around there, with the skinny shop assistants and the tiny clothes - so much so that I always feel that someone is going to tap me on the shoulder and say "nothing for you in here fatty"!
So as you can imagine, even though I'm now a comfortable size 14 on the bottom, I somehow felt reluctant to take a chance on these jeans, just in case they were cut smaller, or skinner, and then I'd have to go through that feeling all over again, just in the comfort of my own bedroom!
But I did take a chance on them, won the auction (for a bargain price) and they arrived yesterday....so I got them out of the bag, held them up, thought OMG they look really small....but I gingerly tried them....and they actually fit!!! WITH ROOM TO SPARE!!! And what's even better is that they felt really comfy, really flattering, and I went out in them last night with killer heels and a sparkly top and I felt great! What's more - I felt young (at the grand old age of 34) and I finally felt normal
Now I know I'm still a bit chunkier than the average girl, I'm a 14 on the bottom and a 16 usually on top, but I'm finally getting to a size I'm happy with. What I hope more than anything that feeling the way I did yesterday will help me to overcome my self-destruct instinct once and for all, and that I'll never have to start this journey again...
x
