Found this journal entry...

Chunky Madwife

Full Member
From the night before starting Exante. Starting afresh today after a few wee days off. It made me smile and remember why I am doing this (although I forgot to maintain the journal)!

Tuesday 25th January 2011

Weight – 15stone. 210Lbs. 95.3 kilos BMI 36

Worst ever weight, but in all reality very well deserved due to

a. Greediness
b. Laziness
c. Both of the above

Just had a lovely Chinese and am ploughing through a bottle of Rose.

I'm not "big-boned" and I'm certainly not "fat and jolly". I'm just a greedy, fat person. With wee small eyes which need to get out of this big face. And it's not just food and lazyarsitis - I like my wine. Other people's wine too. Wine is very nice, but it's like a really *****y friend that talks about you behind your back. Actually, come to think of it, we are made for each other. STOP it! That's called co-dependency according to our psychobabbling experts, and it's not healthy.

I need to change. NOW. Before I end up with high blood pressure, cardiac problems, diabetes, cellulitis, varicose veins (well, I'm a midwife so it might be too late for the various veins, but still. There is time to house-train them). I have only recently began to worry about health issues relating to my fatness. I make no apologies for referring to my fatness, bald truth is the only way. Moving from your early thirties to your late thirties gives you the willies a bit. You suddenly start pushing forty. Well, it is the most exercise I get I suppose.

Tomorrow morning I am going to pack my kids off to school and take measurements. Weight is just one thing. But sheer bulk is another. The last time I lost any weight it was about 1 stone through WW. It took weeks and weeks of 2 off and 1 on, etc etc. And there was NO change in my measurements or clothes.

I have been on Weightwatchers, Slimming Worlls, Scottish Slimmers and a calorie controlled diet. By far the best was the calorie controlled diet (1200 a day), logged into laptop to record what I had eaten. However I was also doing judo twice a week, and working quite hard. This made a real difference, weightloss was steady (2-3lbs a week)and my clothes were looser and for once, I actually had to go and buy smaller sizes. They are still in the attic though!

Now I am waiting to start a new job, am in the house all day (unless out on bank shifts), and sleepingbadly so have the temptation to have a snooze after lunch. Or before lunch. Who cares?

Well I do. And I have had enough. I feel assexual. I feel ugly. I feel like somehow I don't deserve any better than to be stuck with this ghastly bloated body. I have been fat since just after I got married 15 years ago (with one episode of losing weight through weightwatchers and breastfeeding (I got to 10 and a half stone), and maintained for around a year before becoming pregnant and giving up completely. I can do it, I have done it. But it was hard, and it gets harder. I deserve better though.

Soooooo. I am going to try Exante, total food replacemnet VLCD diet (600 cals a day). I have never tried anything like this (cabbage soup doesn't count, does it?). And I am going to keep a diary and recored everything. There WILL be ups and downs, there always is, but I need to get it down in print, so I can stop my mind playing tricks on me.

I will be watching me, so I don't misbehave. I know what I'm like.
:D
 
Now that is a cracking first diary post!!
Marge
:)
 
Made me smile............. so many points of recognition! Well done on the restart, you can do it, you know you can :)
 
You have a great turn of phrase. Very good post. And a good idea to revisit this post to get you back on track. Keep at it :D
 
Goodluck with Exante, you sound very determined which will get you a long way :)

Your post hit some truths to me also, so thats given me my boost for the day :D

xxxx
 
Brilliant post and very inspiring too - should give some of us who are flagging a major boost to get back on track. Thankyou :)
 
Thanks for being so brave Chunky! You say what a number of people think and are too ashamed to say. You are courageous and will succeed. Well done, and thanks
GSQ
 
Great post, it must be so helpful to have those things written down to keep motivated wish I had done that 5 weeks ago :)
Good luck with your restart you!! :D
 
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