Gg

[slimmer bridezilla]

missing your thoughts - hope all is well

 

[leeds123]

hey GG, i hope you are still reading even if you arent posting. hope you are well and wonder how the book club is getting on? dont be a stranger.

 

[Goreygirl]

Hi all

Thank you so much for your messages the last week; they really have been appreciated

Well it's been a bit of a tough couple of weeks but I'm slowly coming out of it. CD has gone by the window as I have done 2-3 days then had a binge. I've felt very disconnected from everything, very disassociated... it's hard to explain but I felt like I was hearing everything through cotton wool and seeing it from a distance... I could feel life going on but I didn't feel "present" in it. Had therapy today and apparently this is very typical of a post traumatic stress response so today was very much spent on teasing out exactly what has triggered it (the return to work thing but what specifically about it). The analogy he used was that it was like I was trying to send myself back into an abusive relationship with a partner where all the trust had gone and I knew what would happen if I went back....and that that is what I am reacting against. I don't trust the system/processes in place to "protect" me. I must say it's nice to have words to put against the feelings because my head was all over the place. My manager is being really supportive and lovely but is a very small cog in a very big wheel so to a degree what she says is to a degree irrelevant if you know what I mean.

But it's all good! It's all progress .. or so my therapist says lol Last year when he asked me how I defined myself and apparently I defined myself in terms of what I do.. and he says that is very typical of addicts; that we are very good at "doing" .. .we are human doings rather than human beings as to do keeps us disconnected from the underlying pain and darkness. Today he asked me and my reply was that I don't know who I am but I know who/what I'm not and that, he says, is progress because I am no longer about the "doing"... I'll have to take his word for it

We also talked a lot about "surrendering" to addiction... (Addiction and Surrender - Why Must We Admit Powerlessness Over Our Addiction? kind of explains it) really making peace with and accepting that inner/deeper aspect of my personality and how I have to accept that I have to live every day in recovery.... that it's a process that will never stop and that being "present in reality" and checking in with myself daily to make sure I am doing that is really important. This is the part I find hard because when I actually do it I feel calm and in control but that scares the hell out of me so I run!

But it is getting easier .. I am more "aware" during the binges so they are not as mood altering as they used to be so they are losing their thrall that way. I've just received the Beck Diet Solution Workbook to start looking at ways to change some of my behaviours (fake it till you make it as they say!)

I've also got a job interview the week after next for a job in Ireland woohoo and am going to Lanzarote for a week on the 23rd to lie by a pool in a private villa for a week (no bars, restaurants etc so will be able to focus on CD!).

So onwards and upwards and again thank you so much for your support and patience with me folks

Love and hugs to you all

(Day 2 @ 100% SS)

 

[Surfhunny]

Welcome back Hun, as you can see we've missed you!! Sorry to hear you've had a rough time but glad to hear that your therapist thinks you're moving forward. Good for you with the job interview!! And great that you've got the holiday to look forward to and keep you motivated! Xxx

 

[slimmer bridezilla]

so glad you're back - just ordered beck too x

 

[Chelsea Lou]

Hi all


But it is getting easier .. I am more "aware" during the binges so they are not as mood altering as they used to be so they are losing their thrall that way. I've just received the Beck Diet Solution Workbook to start looking at ways to change some of my behaviours (fake it till you make it as they say!)

I've also got a job interview the week after next for a job in Ireland woohoo and am going to Lanzarote for a week on the 23rd to lie by a pool in a private villa for a week (no bars, restaurants etc so will be able to focus on CD!).

So onwards and upwards and again thank you so much for your support and patience with me folks

Love and hugs to you all

(Day 2 @ 100% SS)

Hi GG, really glad you are back.

The Beck book has now got its own section on the Maintenance thread. Loads of us on there are doing Beck and we discuss it and you would be more than welcome to come and join us over there. We would all love your input. Shanny started the thread and it is great.

Good luck with your interview and, like I said before, so pleased to have you back. xx

 

[MinnieMel]

Hi Gg,

Glad that you're back :bliss:

and kudos on another "open and honest" post discussing your personal challenges.

Fingers crossed on a job in Ireland, as I know how much you love being near your family and in your homeland. :cross:

Jealous on the Lazarote bit... but good for you. I hope you have a sunny,wonderful, restful and enjoyable holiday. You certainly have earned one. :character00238:

MM

MM

 

[Rae Rae]

Hi Gg,

Im nt sure wots bin goin on bt im glad ur bk. I dont post much bt i love to read. I read ur diary daily,ur very insightful,keep up the good work. Its aong journey bt keep ur chin up+you will get to where u want to be

Good luck wiv ur interview+have a fab time on holiday,u deserve the break.

Xx

 

[great things]

hi gg

glad you're back. so happy for you for the job interview and the relaxing villa by the pool, very jealous of you for this

 

[mrschatterbox]

Aaaaaw good to see ur back hon...Wow ur popular hehe, then again ur always there with the right advice, for everyone.
Enjoy Lanzarote hon, sounds like u could do with it. Big hugs xxx

 

[Goreygirl]

OMG... my head is wrecked!!! I got slatted vertical blinds put up last week and am now trimming them down to size. It's so tedious!

However I am facing my Beck list of reasons I want to lose weight which are stuck up on the sitting room wall (and in the downstairs loo, and the kitchen where I make my shakes up, and in my purse!) so staying focused

Hope your day is going well y'all

TTFN

 

[Goreygirl]

OMG I feel dire! Day 3 of SS again and have the headache and the nausea Hope it's gone by tomorrow because I have tons of driving to do; have a hospital appointment about my gallstones - hopefully because I'm still symptom free I'll be discharged and the little one that is still in there will remain well behaved. The hospital is a 2 hour drive away because I was visiting friends when I was taken ill originally (ending up in hospital for a week!) and then I have to trek back across 2 counties to see my CDC and then another hour home. If I'm still alive after that I'm going to go for a swim and then I'm going to invite myself down to my sisters for the evening

I'm on day 2 of the Beck Workbook...and my task for today is to read my list of "reasons I want to lose weight" and I also have listening to my hypno MP3 down as a daily task for while I do the programme. I'm going to bed at least half an hour earlier to make sure I listen to that before sleeping.

I've read the lists about 5 times and I have also written it out this morning (and plan to do it every morning while having my first glass of water) as it helps it get into your subconscious better if you read them out loud and write them down. Luckily I live alone so no one hears me sitting on the loo reading this stuff out (it's on the back of my bathroom door).

 

[Surfhunny]

OMG I feel dire! Day 3 of SS again and have the headache and the nausea Hope it's gone by tomorrow because I have tons of driving to do; have a hospital appointment about my gallstones - hopefully because I'm still symptom free I'll be discharged and the little one that is still in there will remain well behaved. The hospital is a 2 hour drive away because I was visiting friends when I was taken ill originally (ending up in hospital for a week!) and then I have to trek back across 2 counties to see my CDC and then another hour home. If I'm still alive after that I'm going to go for a swim and then I'm going to invite myself down to my sisters for the evening

I'm on day 2 of the Beck Workbook...and my task for today is to read my list of "reasons I want to lose weight" and I also have listening to my hypno MP3 down as a daily task for while I do the programme. I'm going to bed at least half an hour earlier to make sure I listen to that before sleeping.

I've read the lists about 5 times and I have also written it out this morning (and plan to do it every morning while having my first glass of water) as it helps it get into your subconscious better if you read them out loud and write them down. Luckily I live alone so no one hears me sitting on the loo reading this stuff out (it's on the back of my bathroom door).

Ah I hope you feel better tomorrow!!!! I'm also doing a hypno app at bed time. I've been using it for a week and I always fall asleep but it manages to wake me at the end so it works (I hope)!! what with Beck, hypno and now the Allen Carr Easyweigh to Lose Weight book I've just bought I'm feeling very much on the road to rehabilitation!!

Have a good nights rest and hopefully you'll be headache free for your mammoth day of travelling tomorrow. Nighty night xx

 

[MinnieMel]

Hi Gg and Sal --

I'd consider the hypno at night, but if DH heard it he might disappear lol (he has lost twice as much weight as I have in the same time frame).

I hope the headache passes soon. I like the idea of posting the ARCs in the loo -- with all the water I'm drinking I spend more in there than anywhere else these days.

MM

 

[Goreygirl]

Hi Gg and Sal --

I'd consider the hypno at night, but is DH heard it he might disappear lol (he has lost twice as much weight as I have in the same time frame).

I hope the headache passes soon. I like the idea of posting the ARCs in the loo -- with all the water I'm drinking I spend more in there than anywhere else these days.

MM

Lol

I stick in earphones (which they say is better anyway) and listen away... but for some reason I always get a wandering itch on my face while listening! I always rouse enough to pull the earphones out and even thought his last words are "wide awake, energised" I find it pretty easy to go back asleep as it is so relaxing.

As for the loo... yup .. that was my thinking too! Lol

Headache is much better today.. I ended up going to bed last night with Deep Freeze on my forehead, Deep Heat all around the back of my neck and popping 2 paracetamol and 2 nurofen as I was so tense from the pain my jaw was beginning to really tense! I'm already having physio for that as I have ground my back teeth flat and ground out a filling a few weeks back so that's not helping either. I still have a bit of a headache but I'm able to ignore it.

Today was mad busy... I drove an hour and half to the hospital and then sat there for 3 hours waiting to be seen for 5 minutes! The Consultant is really pleased with my weight loss (although he is concerned that the lack of fat in the plan could trigger an attack as it can irritate the gallbladder but we've agreed the weight loss is the priority and we will deal with an attack if it happens) so for now it's still no surgery and back in 6 months again. I was greeted as "ah .. the lady who is losing weight and doesn't
want surgery"... so god knows what the last doc wrote in my notes!

Because I was late getting out of there I had to rush across county to get to my CDC - after all the binging of the last couple of weeks I've still managed to lose 2lbs which is great. Sitting at the 17stone mark so hope to trash that by next week.

I had hoped to go to my Dad's grave today as it's his anniversary (7 years gone.. how time flies!). My siblings and I don't formally mark the anniversary (it's very common over here to put memoriams in local papers and go to mass where the deceased is mentioned) as that works better for us. I didn't get on well with my dad at all; my first memory of his is of when I was about 3 or 4 and he was chucking a plate of dinner at my mum because she had put carrots in it. I didn't speak to him from when I was 16 really and spent a lot of time away from the house or up in my room (eating!) and then I moved away to the UK when I was 20 to get away from him and my Mum's toxic relationship. We never really spoke or saw each other in the the year before he died either although I dealt with all the doctors via phone etc. I only went up to the hospital once when I came home for xmas (and only came home because he would be in hospital not in the house!) and he totally ignored me! The only time we came near to having a conversation with him was about 2-3 years before when I rang with some information my mum wanted urgently. She was supposed to be home to take the call (I always rang when she could be there) but had had to pop out so he answered. As I tried to pass on the message he started blustering about "I don't know anything, nobody tells me anything.. I don't even know where you live!" .. and so I seized the moment and said "do you want to talk about why I you are not involved with my life at all?" and he hung up on me.

I can see now he was a very damaged insecure man and he made himself feel better and secure by trying to control us.. by belittling us etc. So if we were out at a family party he'd always take slight at something and there's be hell to pay when we got home.. he'd kick off about nothing and the rows could go on for days. By this time he wasn't physically violent (he had been when I was young but his brothers gave him a hiding apparently) but my god me could throw stuff and he'd say some really foul stuff! My siblings "learnt to play the game" as we called it as we got older but I never could do it properly.. so every so often I'd stand up for myself which would then cause more problems.. I'd never felt the urge to go to the grave before (it's an hours drive away) but it's been on my mind the last few months.. probably because the anger is gone now. I don't blame him for what happened, as I said he was damaged... but I do hold acknowledge the part his behaviour had to play in the formation of my core beliefs.

Think i'll try to get up instead next week to the grave (my mum is buried the other side of the country.. they'd only argue if buried in same grave lol)

Off to my sisters now for the evening to chill out as I told her I'd rather not be alone this evening after the last couple of weeks (progress! I wouldn't have told her a few months ago!) so TTFN and hope you are all well!

 

[MinnieMel]

Hi Gg,

Headache is much better today.. I ended up going to bed last night with Deep Freeze on my forehead, Deep Heat all around the back of my neck and popping 2 paracetamol and 2 nurofen as I was so tense from the pain my jaw was beginning to really tense! I'm already having physio for that as I have ground my back teeth flat and ground out a filling a few weeks back so that's not helping either. I still have a bit of a headache but I'm able to ignore it.

Have you asked your dentist about a mouth guard? I used to wear one when I was teaching because the stress was causing me to grind my teeth. It helped.

I'd never felt the urge to go to the grave before (it's an hours drive away) but it's been on my mind the last few months.. probably because the anger is gone now. I don't blame him for what happened, as I said he was damaged... but I do hold acknowledge the part his behaviour had to play in the formation of my core beliefs.

I was in my early 30s before I could forgive my father for the things he did, how he behaved and his alcoholism. I had a lot to learn before I could see that he was a very damaged person, who was doing the best he could under the circumstances.

I hope you have a restful weekend. I have RC Zumba tomorrow morning, and then DD needs to her project completed. I also have a ton of chores, etc. to tend. Not restful, but such is life.

MM

 

[MinnieMel]

Hi GG,

I just wanted to pop in and wish you a safe trip, as well as, relaxing and enjoyable one. You leave tomorrow, no?

One word though "jealous" -- I wish I was off to some warm and sunny locale.

MM

 

[great things]

hope all is well.

 

[leeds123]

hi GG, havent been on much whilst sorting my head out. where are you? hope you are ok and enjoying the change in weather (although its actually become quite cold here today. boo!)

 

[MinnieMel]

Hi Gg,

Are you back? How was the holiday?

MM