Got called FATTY! tonight by 19 yr old daughter :-(

Discussion in 'General Weight Loss Discussion' started by *Trying-again*, 28 January 2011 Social URL.

  1. *Trying-again*

    *Trying-again* Plodding on til its gone

    Posts:
    268
    Likes Received:
    3
    Start Weight:
    13st13lb
    Goal Weight:
    11st10lb
    Diet:
    Slimming World
    As if things arnt hard enough for people trying to lose weight, its the emotional side of eating aswell thats so hard. Life has been really stressful for ages but the last few months in particular.

    I admit to using food as a comfort but Im on week 3 of restarting slimming world. Its slow going because along with other probs I have PCOS to deal with but accept I have it and try and deal with it the best way I can.

    Im so shocked by my 19 year old daughter tonight. The day I restarted slimming world we went shopping for healthy food. Although I didnt want any temptation in the kitchen cupboards she picked up this tin of syrup sponge pudding.

    Anyway after a pig of a day today I needed something sweet, probably something to do with my hormones. She didnt want any so I had it with a bit of custard. Was just starting to wind down infront of the tv after a really long day when she said "I cant believe your eating that fatty your meant to be on a diet"

    I feel so shocked I looked at her like she had made some sort of unfunny joke but she meant it! I still cant believe my own daughter would say something like that too me. Shes said it a couple of times before as well. She knows i have no confidence in myself and that I beat myself up about stuff all the time.

    I told her I would never of dreamed about saying anything so hurtful to my mum when she was alive but she just brushed off what I said. I couldnt even be in the same room as her after that so went upstairs to watch tv, half hour later she comes up and slams her bedroom door! No apology no nothing. Im now trying to get to sleep with that comment spinning around my head.

    Im so shocked and upset, Its just us as i bought her up myself after divorcing when she was young. I didnt bring her up like this and cant believe she can go to bed and not say anything knowing how hurt I am.

    She knows I wont see her til gone 8 tomorow night because of my work and when i leave in the mornng she will still be in bed as she has the day off work so Ive got allday tommorow with this on my mind and having to put a face on for the customers at work.

    I know Ive put on weight and I know the reasons why. Obviously my weight gain is more obvious than I thought but to be called fatty by my own daughter is too shocking for me to even put into words. As if the outside world isnt harsh enough I get this in my own home :cry:
     
  2. Avatar

    MiniMins.com Matched Content

  3. Miss Mango

    Miss Mango Little Miss Wii Fit!

    Posts:
    2,184
    Likes Received:
    32
    Start Weight:
    14st1lb
    Current Weight:
    12st7lb
    Goal Weight:
    8st13lb
    Lost(%):
    1st8lb(11.17%)
    Diet:
    My own
    Oh my goodness hun, I'm so sad reading this :( I can feel how upset and hurt you are and I don't blame you, your daughter was very hurtful toward you for nothing - I know things can be said sometimes that aren't really meant but surely if that had been the case she would have apologised to you for it? I know that I've posted on here before about my mum but if I ever say something that hurts her feelings then I immediately apologise, sometimes I say things to my mum that I don't realise would upset her, but as soon as she tells me I do always say sorry and give her a hug.
    Your daughter is not much younger than me, I'm 25 but all I can say is maybe she will apologise to you tomorrow, after she has had all day to feel guilty about hurting you so. I'm sure that she loves you very much and wouldn't want to deliberately hurt you for malice or spite. Give her a chance to think tomorrow and see what she does when she next sees you.

    I feel your pain and I'm so sorry that you're feeling so upset and down. I understand how you feel and I'm sending you a big hug from me. I've seen you around this forum and you always seem motivated to me and have done some good progress so far, so don't let this knock you back, just let it make you more determined to lose some weight. Its not easy but please don't cry :(

    If your daughter does not offer her own apology then you should tell her how much she has hurt and upset you, it might make her think to choose her words more carefully in future.

    I hope you're alright and not sitting thinking about it too much. Please try to take your mind off it, listen to a favourite song to cheer yourself up.

    Hugs xxxxxxx
     
  4. treasureBelle

    treasureBelle Member

    Posts:
    42
    Likes Received:
    2
    Start Weight:
    20st6lb
    Current Weight:
    18st7lb
    Goal Weight:
    12st12lb
    Lost(%):
    1st13lb(9.44%)
    I agree with Miss Mango.

    I'm 21 next week, and would never dream of saying something like that to my mum! :eek:

    Give her a chance to apologise, but otherwise explain to her how much her comment hurt you.

    Hugs xxx
     
  5. miss-tri

    miss-tri Full Member

    Posts:
    165
    Likes Received:
    0
    Start Weight:
    11st8lb
    Current Weight:
    11st8lb
    Goal Weight:
    8st0lb
    Lost(%):
    0st0lb(0%)
    Diet:
    Healthy eating/ calorie controlled
    Im 20 and i would also not ever dare to hurt my mum! i love her too much!! but i do know that we kids (tho im not a kid anymore) dont realise how our little comments can hurt our parents. il have said loads of stuff to my mum that i just didnt realise was hurtful... So i wouldnt worry about it or be upset, chances are she doesnt realise how nasty such a comment is. Or she'll have convinced herself your over reacting or something or other that means she isnt at fault... and dont take it to heart either, theres no point getting upset, it wont get you anywhere... be happy :)
     
  6. trixie89

    trixie89 Full Member

    Posts:
    93
    Likes Received:
    1
    Start Weight:
    19st9lb
    Current Weight:
    11st4lb
    Goal Weight:
    10st5lb
    Lost(%):
    8st5lb(42.55%)
    ((((Big Hugs))))

    I turned 22 yesterday and I would never, EVER dream of saying anything so hurtful to anyone, let alone my mum.
    I agree with a previous poster who suggested that maybe she doesn't realise how hurtful the comment was.
    Perhaps you could take her aside tomorrow evening and explain how bad it made you feel. You deserve an apology!
    Maybe she knows what she said was wrong, but couldn't face apologising straight away. You never know, you might come in from work tomorrow and she might be waiting to say sorry and give you a huge hug :)

    Let us know how you get on :) In the meantime, try and put it to the back of your mind. Easier said than done, I know, but you sound so determined and I'd hate for something like this to throw you off track.

    xxxxx
     
  7. *Trying-again*

    *Trying-again* Plodding on til its gone

    Posts:
    268
    Likes Received:
    3
    Start Weight:
    13st13lb
    Goal Weight:
    11st10lb
    Diet:
    Slimming World
    Thank you so much for all your kind words and the hugs. Really needed them. The whole things been on my mind all day long, got upset at work earlier but had to hide it as customers around. Hardly slept last night.

    Got in tonight about 9 and came home in to a really bad atmosphere, been dreading coming home all day. My daughter sent me a text this afternoon with just the word sorry but to be honest Im too hurt to even talk to her its like a line had been crossed between us as she knows how sensitive I am about my weight. Like I said this isnt the first time shes said things like this.

    Not long after I got home she said shes going to bed. I suggested she apologises properly to my face as texting the word doesnt mean anything. She could have easily phoned me. She half heatedly said sorry as she was half way up the stairs she couldnt even be bothered to look at me. I said that because she didnt want to properly apologise she must of meant what she said her reply was "whatever" (thought she would of grown out of that childish response by now) If she hadnt of meant it she would of said so.

    I told her how upset I`d been allday and that I couldnt sleep but her reply was that im stupidly over sensitive! She knows how I feel about myself and what a struggle I have to lose weight. Its a mind versus food thing and all she has done is make me feel so much worse.

    Shes now fast asleep while Im still feeling like crap. Ive just read all your replies and I really appreciate them. Im sticking with this forum as I think its the only way Im going to succeed in losing this dam weight. Im not going to expect any support from my daughter as shes proven herself to be very thoughtless. If she had genuinley apologised when I gave her the chance to then I would be feeling differently now but I cant help feeling so let down by her. She clearly sees me as being fat so other people must look at me and think the same. One of my jobs is working with the public in a busy supermarket. Its taken me years to get some confidence and just feel like Ive taken several steps backwards.

    We were looking forward to going to Frankie and bennys for lunch tomorow for a treat but I told her after she wouldnt apologise properly that Im not going now. The last thing I want to do now is eat in front of her and going there it would of been chips with something ie fattening. It must sound awful but Im being honest I dont even want to be in the same room as her as shocked at how she speaks to me. I may be a bit sensitive but she knows that its how I am and cant help that but this comment is enough to make anyone feel hurt.

    Hopefully things will be better tomorrow.

    Thanks again for your support Miss Mango Treasurebelle miss-tri and trixie.. Heres a hug back for each of you x x x x

    Ps Happy 21st for next week TreasureBelle x
     
  8. trixie89

    trixie89 Full Member

    Posts:
    93
    Likes Received:
    1
    Start Weight:
    19st9lb
    Current Weight:
    11st4lb
    Goal Weight:
    10st5lb
    Lost(%):
    8st5lb(42.55%)
    Oh sweetie....what you've said in your post isn't awful....what's awful is your daughter's attitude. It is totally disrespectful....she might have the opinion that you're being over-sensitive, but you have the right to feel upset and nobody can tell you any differently, or judge you. At the end of the day, she has really upset you and she needs to realise this. I can totally understand you not wanting to be anywhere near her.

    If my daughter said something like this to me (but somewhat doubtful as she's only 2 lol!) i would totally withdraw from her. That would mean not doing anything for her, such as her laundry, making her meals etc. As my mum used to say to me whilst I was living at home 'While you're under my roof, you'll treat me with respect and what I say goes!'

    I dont know whether you're married or have a partner...if so, does he know about it?? Perhaps he could back you up and you could confront your daughter together.

    Sending more bug hugs xxxxx
     
  9. *Trying-again*

    *Trying-again* Plodding on til its gone

    Posts:
    268
    Likes Received:
    3
    Start Weight:
    13st13lb
    Goal Weight:
    11st10lb
    Diet:
    Slimming World
    No theres no one to back me up. Me and her dad divorced years ago and although after years of not having contact with her he now visits once a fortnight for the last 2 years. He wouldnt be able to help with this as he feels he doesn’t have the right to say much to her which is understandable given the circumstances. I wont tell him about this as dont want him to know I feel I have a weight issue. Ive told him before about her whole attitude and lack of respect and he has once or twice said don’t speak to your mum like that but that’s about all he can do. She has said she has no respect for him. So its just me trying to deal with this as have no supportive family etc around.

    This morning she came in to my room and muttered a half hearted sorry but when I asked if she meant it she said take it or leave it, left my room and slammed her bedroom door. Shes trying to pass it off as a joke but when I again explained how I feel she said I was over sensitive again and that I more or less inhaled that pudding! And generally inhale my food. Don’t even want to eat infront of her now, and yet another lovely comment to add to the pot!

    Wish Id never bought the dam stupid pudding then this wouldn’t of happened. She put it in trolley without me seeing knowing I was making such an effort to buy just healthy stuff as was first day of starting the plan again. When I saw it I should of just put it back and will do that in the future. Think its time to be a bit harder. Its not just about this incident this has been brewing for ages and she has crossed the line. I don’t need to hear unkind comments and be disrespected ive had a gutful of it from my dad over the years and others and now it seems Im getting it from my own daughter of all people. Don’t know what to do.

    You are right I have withdrawn from her but its not something I have done intentionally I just naturally don’t want to be in the
    same room as her. I hate things the way they are but Im not prepared to brush this under the carpet just so she can carry on being the way she is. I said this morning that I don’t have to justify myself to her but I had a craving like most women do at certain times and maybe I shouldn’t have eaten what I did but its not her place to make comments. Don’t know why shes so volatile. One minute shes fine the next shes causing an issue about something. Mainly if I ask her to wash up after Ive done dinner or something ridiculously petty like that. It could be about anything and everything. Just want a quiet life and a peaceful home. I work hard enough and when I get home i need to be able to relax instead feeling like Im treading on egg shells.

    Thanks again Trixie your reply I really appreciate it. heres a hug for you too x
     
  10. missjelly

    missjelly Silver Member

    Posts:
    531
    Likes Received:
    4
    Start Weight:
    19st9lb
    Current Weight:
    15st10lb
    Goal Weight:
    11st0lb
    Lost(%):
    3st13lb(20%)
    Diet:
    Heathystuff + gastric band!
    My mum and I talk to each other like this all the time.. maybe we're just 'different' I guess.

    Rather than seeing it as negative, I use it as motivation to be more determined to lose the weight. I tend to almost subconsciously buy 'bad' food and having someone point this out makes me rethink what I'm about to eat etc.

    The last thing I would want to do is eat because I don't like my weight... seems a bit backwards really, so having that pointed out to me helps me think about why I want the food - not hunger but emotions etc and look at them for what they are.
     
  11. mummytummy

    mummytummy Silver Member

    Posts:
    625
    Likes Received:
    7
    Start Weight:
    17st2.0lb
    Current Weight:
    16st5.5lb
    Goal Weight:
    9st0lb
    Lost(%):
    0st10.5lb(4.38%)
    Diet:
    slimming world
    Aww trying again you sound so hurt! I'm sure your daughter didn't understand the effect her words would have had, as I'm sure she wouldn't have wanted to hurt her mum like that. Now she has almost backed herself into a corner and she can't back down. Does that sound like your daughter in other situations maybe?

    I had something similar happen to me at my grandparents house. It was me, my mum, my sister, grandparents and uncle and my dd1. My uncle gave my dd1 a bar of chocolate and I had a square whilst sat at the kitchen table with everyone in there. He then said to me that was for dd1 you fat f**ker!
    OMG I nearly died. I felt ashamed, embarrassed totally shocked and humiliated. My mother was in total shock and could see the look on my face. I held back the tears as best I could and made a quick exit to the bathroom where I just cried and cried. My mother knocked the door and gave me a hug and told me that the best thing was that I never give up losing weight, I always try and do better for me. She then told my uncle how he hurt me and he came to apologise, he seemed shocked that he had upset me, like it was all some kind of joke to him. Some people just don't get it.

    I hope your feeling better about the situation today and you and your daughter work this out xxx
     
  12. Posh Frock

    Posh Frock New Member

    Posts:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trying-again, like you I have a daughter I raised as a single parent and, like you, I also piled on weight (five stone of it:tear_drop:).

    While my teenager never came straight out and called me fat she made some pretty pointed comments about my eating habits on more than one occassion.

    Last year I finally went on a diet and I am now a size twelve. It took nine months which, looking back, is a damn sight less than it took me to eat my way to a size twenty two:cool:.

    Once I lost weight my daughter told me how much she had hated having a fat mother. How embarassed and ashamed it made her feel to go anywhere with me and how much she had envied her friends with their slim, fit mothers.

    Your daughter was very wrong to call you a fatty but was she lying?

    Given your user name, I suspect this isn't the first time you have tried dieting. Lord knows, I know my life was littered with failed diets. You name the fad I had tried it:sigh:.

    The thing is seeing you break your diet probably upset and disappointed your daughter and she lashed out because of that.

    Our weight doesn't just impact on our lives, it affects our children too.
     
  13. mummytummy

    mummytummy Silver Member

    Posts:
    625
    Likes Received:
    7
    Start Weight:
    17st2.0lb
    Current Weight:
    16st5.5lb
    Goal Weight:
    9st0lb
    Lost(%):
    0st10.5lb(4.38%)
    Diet:
    slimming world
    That's a very good point Posh frock.
     
  14. Greengiraffe

    Greengiraffe Member

    Posts:
    19
    Likes Received:
    0
    Diet:
    My own blend, mostly Weight Watchers
    I agree that your daughter might have lashed out because of her concerns about you possibly breaking your diet, but that being said there are better ways to talk to those we love to help them do better rather than spiraling in the other direction. Perhaps it'd be a good idea to talk to your daughter about that when you next try to talk to her, she might even like to help you but you must be strong to help her to do it in a positive manner.

    I know we all need time where we don't have to worry about the pressures in our lives, including worrying about losing weight. I hope you can find a calm space, both physically and mentally for yourself to recover and refocus yourself. *hugs*
     
  15. *Trying-again*

    *Trying-again* Plodding on til its gone

    Posts:
    268
    Likes Received:
    3
    Start Weight:
    13st13lb
    Goal Weight:
    11st10lb
    Diet:
    Slimming World
    Thanks everyone for your comments its really appreciated.

    Just wanted to give a quick update. My daughter apologised again Sunday morning and sounded more like she meant it. I told her how her comment made me feel so hope she will think before lashing out next time. You have a point posh frock it could well of been the case that she felt disappointed that she thought I was breaking my diet.

    Anyway Im feeling much better now that she came and apologised. Later in the afternoon we walked the dog round the lake and had a nice cup of hot choc after so was a nice way to end a really bad weekend.

    Thanks again everyone your support and comments they`ve all been really appreciated x
     
  16. *Trying-again*

    *Trying-again* Plodding on til its gone

    Posts:
    268
    Likes Received:
    3
    Start Weight:
    13st13lb
    Goal Weight:
    11st10lb
    Diet:
    Slimming World
    Thanks greengiraffe

    I do need to take some time out and re focus. Im lucky if I get 5 hours sleep a night so probably my metabolisms up the creek which I don’t thinks helping things. I read recently that lack of rest and sleep has a big effect on metabolism.

    As soon as head hits the pillow, brain kicks into overdrive again as so many different things going on all the time. Got to try and take one thing at a time and make time to relax and unwind as a lot has been building up over a long time and now Ive got a massive pile of “stuff” to deal with and not sure where at the mountain I should start.

    Cuppa tea is always a good start I suppose x
     
  17. *Trying-again*

    *Trying-again* Plodding on til its gone

    Posts:
    268
    Likes Received:
    3
    Start Weight:
    13st13lb
    Goal Weight:
    11st10lb
    Diet:
    Slimming World
    Sorry that happened to you mummytummy

    People dont realise how their words can hurt others. My dad has said a lot of hurtful things to me over the years and because I finally stood up for myself he hardly ever rings me now even though he lives just 5 mins away.

    he never even rings when he knows theres something big going on for eg ive just had a long 2 week wait for some vet results for my dog he had to see a specialist and needed biopsies. Got the results now but think it would be nice if my dad picked up the phone to see how things went as could well of been very bad news. Always seems to be me picking up the phone and one sided relationships are very draining and hard work x
     
  18. Avatar

    MiniMins.com Advert

  19. Greengiraffe

    Greengiraffe Member

    Posts:
    19
    Likes Received:
    0
    Diet:
    My own blend, mostly Weight Watchers
    Oh I have the same problem when I go to bed, I'm so tired before I get there but as soon as I lay down my brain is going a mile a minute. I know there are relaxation tablets I can take to deal with it if I get to a really bad point, but mostly I try to count. I just keep counting and counting and eventually I fall asleep. I suppose for me it's a form of meditation. :)
     
  20. *Trying-again*

    *Trying-again* Plodding on til its gone

    Posts:
    268
    Likes Received:
    3
    Start Weight:
    13st13lb
    Goal Weight:
    11st10lb
    Diet:
    Slimming World
    Hope your sleep prob sorts itself out soon. Nothing worse that brain springing into action when trying to get to sleep.


    I try writing things down which helps a bit. It gets it out of my head and down on paper. That way I can see it and sort out things that I can. The other stuff will just take time probably.

    I take the herbal stuff sometimes but doesnt really help me. I had a nice glass of baileys the other night and funnily enough I slept quite well but dont want to rely on alcohol to be able to sleep. Worked though, think it must of relaxed me.
     
  21. nelehnalip

    nelehnalip Full Member

    Posts:
    52
    Likes Received:
    0
    Start Weight:
    18st2lb
    Current Weight:
    16st10lb
    Goal Weight:
    12st0lb
    Lost(%):
    1st6lb(7.87%)
    Diet:
    Cambridge
    Hi Trying Again, I know its all sorted now, but just wanted to give my tuppence worth I suppose. Having tried many diets just like you, other people pressurising me has never helped, if anything, made me fall off the wagon faster. I love my Mom to bits, and she's always been my closest friend, and the one thing I would say is that now I'm 31 I see my mom as an equal, not just as my mom, but a woman in her own right. Perhaps your daughter could do with understanding that a bit more? It is your house, she's a young woman now, now a petulant child. If you don't want items of food in the weekly shop, if youre buying them, they don't get bought. It might sound a bit extreme, but maybe separate cupboard where your daughter can keep specific items she might want to eat? It sounds a bit extreme but I'm about to start exante, and ive locked all of the food my boyfriend might fancy (which will prove my downfall) in a suitcase only he knows combination too (i would have put a lock on cupboard but dont want to ruin the kitchen cabinet). Its a bit easier because we don't live together and it does sound extreme, but I know what I'm like so im forming a game plan.
    Anyway, I'm glad things have worked out with your daughter, and best of luck for the continued weight loss.
     
    Last edited: 7 February 2011
  22. kagome75

    kagome75 WWer

    Posts:
    918
    Likes Received:
    40
    Start Weight:
    92kg
    Current Weight:
    61kg
    Goal Weight:
    55kg
    Lost(%):
    31kg(33.68%)
    Badges:
    Maintainer
    Diet:
    Weight Watchers
    I think that maybe your daughter wanted to shake you. Sometimes it's people who love us that have the huge burden of saying the truth to us, and maybe like someone else said, your daughter feels ashamed, or maybe she feels worried as well because she might be aware that having weight problems can create dangerous consequences, like diabetes. If your nickname is true, then she might have seen your dessert as you leaving the diet again and might have thought that she had to be the one to push the button to make you return to your steps. That's why I think she was so unwilling to apologise, because I think she feels that she's got nothing to apologise about. But maybe then she saw that she had maybe done more damage than good with her comment and of course she loves you and doesn't want to ruin her relationship with you!

    I'm feeling for her because she is in an awkward situation, I don't think that she wanted to hurt you, maybe she just exaggerated her comment a bit too much without realising that it would hurt you so much. I think she meant good.
     
Popular Forums
  1. MiniMins.com is a weight loss support community helping each other on their weight loss journey. We have a multitude of forums, from Slimming World and Exante, to Success Stories. Click the logo at the top right to return to the forum home page at any time.
Loading...