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Got to TRI...

I turned 32 a few weeks ago, and to celebrate my birthday I spent much of the week eating and drinking. As is often the case when one reaches a new age, I got to thinking about where I was in my life compared to where I would have imagined myself to be. And, as is also often the case, the realization hit hard that actually, I am nothing like where I imagined I would be in some rather important ways. Every year, since I entered my mid 20′s, I have vowed that “This year is the last year I will be fat”, “This year this is the heaviest weight I will ever be”. “I will never again weigh so much on a birthday”, “This time next year I’ll be fit and slim”…and various variations of this sentiment. And yet, here I am, clinically obese and still making the same vow.
I’ve told myself things will be different so many times that I am almost embarrassed to write it down, to say it again. But this time, I mean it more fervently than I have ever meant it before. This IS the year I change my life.

I’ve flitted from diet to diet with varying levels of success. I’ve done Weight Watchers Points (fab – lost 51lb but sadly gained back 41lb!), Weight Watchers Pro Points (don’t understand it!), Slimmer’s World (not for me), Pig to Twig (lost weight but felt like rubbish!), Dax Moy (amazing results, felt great but couldn’t sustain), Calorie Counting (gave up!), Food Diaries (still doing but not helping much), Cereal Diet (so hungry I imagined stealing packets of buttons off children and started hallucinating that the people around me were various food items!) and so on and so forth. I’ve also gone through mini spurts of activity, mainly waking and the odd aqua aerobics class which was awesome with the exception of several near death by drowning situations and the feeling that when bouncing around in the water I was recreating a scene from Free Willy!

In the last year I have certainly improved my attitude towards exercise and certainly in the last two months this seems to have clicked in place as part of my ‘routine’. I enjoy it most of the time too which is something I never imagined myself saying about physical activity! My attitude towards food has marginally improved – but only marginally and therein lies my utterly miserable failure in losing weight the way I hoped for. I can’t stop eating, and I can’t stop eating the wrong things. I’m not one of those people who bemoan my lack of speedy metabolic rate or faulty genetics or being ‘big-boned’ or any of those other reasons/excuses that many larger people use to explain away their shape and size. No, I hold up my hands and admit it, I’m a fatty because I am a foodie!

Earlier in the year I decided to do a 5K race for life. I was so geared up for it, got myself ready to go and then… realized I can’t even run for 5 yards let alone 5K. In the end I walked the course, finishing in just under an hour and while everyone congratulated me, I felt utterly miserable because I had failed to run it. Despite dealing with an injury and therefore currently being unable to run, I have picked up the exercise and am pleased to say that in the last 7 weeks I have done an average of 6 hours per week of swimming, gym-ing, zumba, fitness classes and spinning. Pretty good for a fatty. “Wow! So”, you say, 2you must have lost TONNES of weight!” Well no actually – not even a half stone. A pathetic 4lb actually (and possibly have put some of that back on with last weeks birthday shenanigans!) . Gutted? Damn right! Bloody food! But no, it’s not the foods fault…it’s MINE!

So this is my blog, on my journey to a newer, better, goal achieving, healthy, fit me. Oh and a blog to record how things are going as I train for…MY FIRST TRIATHLON – oh yes the crazy fat lady who has never ever managed to stick to a diet and fitness plan has only gone and entered a bloody Triathlon in May 2012! So, 9 months from now I am either going to cross that finish line a complete success, or look like a fool as I fail because I couldn’t get my arse in gear. I know it won’t be easy. My abusive relationship with food has been with me for 25 years, but I NEED to do this, and I am DETERMINED that I will.

Well, here we go – challenge number one – my best friend’s brother is getting married on October 29th – 7 weeks yesterday. My goal is to weight 190lb by the time this wedding takes place, which gives me 15lbs to lose and 48 days in which to do it. Manageable I think, but for me, pretty hard because it leaves no room for me messing it up. I need my whole head, heart and body in this challenge otherwise I will fail. Easier said than done when I have spent the last 7 months doing it all wrong!

I can’t remember the last time I weighed under 200lb. I really can’t. So to fly out to America for this wedding 10lb under that would be amazing! I’m going to set one challenge at a time I think. So, challenge number one is this…and I will never forgive myself if I fail the very first challenge!
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Good on u angeljade!! A very inspirational post.....and u can def get to 190 for the wedding. No hassle. It's like u said, getting ur head around ur relationship with food. Signing up for the tri is a great motivator as well...what kind of training are u doing?
I agree with sasser! You can totally achieve this! If you are doing so much exercise may i suggest you take your measurements too? My sister lost two dress sizes and gained 9lbs once when she was getting ready to do some sort of charity half marathon! So you can still shrink and gain weight as stupid as that sounds!!

Really good luck with your journey!

Behind almost every success story are lots of mini failiures-your history can serve you, don't be scared by it. (Obviously you are pretty motivated!) Looking foward to reading your diary!
Thanks for your replies :) Lovely to know that someone is reading! However...after 2 good days came today - which was rubbish from start to finish! I am due on any moment (which is no excuse I know) but it does explain it somewhat as I am the same every single month for a day! However, given that I have 15lb to lose in the next 6 weeks, it's been pretty frustrating for me and makes me wonder whether these old habits are really ever going to be erased and overcome.

I estimate that I have probably had around 3000 calories today - more than double what I should be having to lose this weight. I did do 30 mins out on the bike (during which I managed to swallow a fly which flew into my mouth and down my throat - disgusting, but hopefully didn't add any more calories!!!). I've had ALL the wrong foods - crisps, sausages, cheese, chocolate, biscuits - well you get the picture.

So annoyed with myself and so frustrated that I seem to have fallen at the very first test :( I NEED some willpower and I NEED to change my behaviours which led me to this point in the first place. And almost like the Universe listened and understood today's mess, I came across the following statement...

"People say that the key to marriage is simple: “Happy wife, happy life.” And while this is undoubtedly true, my ability to keep my future wife happy depends on my own ability to find health and happiness within myself. I need to take care of myself because someone else is now dependent on me. My health, my actions, and my decisions can’t be selfish if I want to ensure the happiness of my wife, and improve the quality of our life.his isn’t to say that you can’t be an individual within in marriage. Individuality is a part of life. But carelessness is not. Or at least there should be no room for it when it comes to your health. We oftentimes damage our bodies with bad behaviors because we can. No one feels the consequences except for us—or so we think. That’s what hit me about marriage: My pain is now shared by someone else. The sad thing is, it shouldn’t have taken me so long to figure it out.

I come from a big family. I have loving, incredible parents and three brothers. And over the years, my active way of life has put them through more hardship than I ever imagined. I’ve broken broken bones, torn muscles, had multiple concussions, and even flirted for several years with being significantly overweight. It was stress on my body, and undue pain on my family. While I couldn’t have prevented all of my medical issues, I could have done more about it.

Your health is personal, but its impact is collective. You are the only person who can change your life. But the motivation to live inspired can derive from a greater recognition that you are more important than you think. And by living healthy, you enable yourself to contribute more to your life and others.

One of our most important gifts is our ability to care, help others and create change. And whether you are single or married, come from a big family or small—your ability to succeed at those tasks will always hinge on your health. When you feel better and look better, you perform better. Being healthy creates outward energy, and also builds an internal confidence that elicits positive change.

As I prepare for the next stage in my life, I am beyond thankful that I've met such an incredible and irreplaceable woman. But I'm also more determined than ever to improve my fitness and nutrition. Most people lift weights, run, or eat well so that they can look better. And while those are great goals, they are just scratching the surface of your potential. Once we all realize that taking care of ourselves can help you improve the lives of others, then we'll have the added motivation we need to achieve our goals."

Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/blog/blog/the-new-motivation-secret/?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=110913#ixzz1XxjTXwTQ"

I'm not getting married, and this was written from a male perspective BUT it hit me pretty hard. I hope, sometimes in the next few years, the marriage and children will be something I can realistically hope to have within my grasp. And if they mean as much to me as I say they do, then I need to work for them, towards them and because of them, because I don't want to be the reason that I make someone else unhappy or worried and I don't want to be a bad example to my kids. And most of all, I don't want to be the reason that I fail. So I'm not going to be. A bad day is just that, a bad day. Tomorrow is a new day and it's going to be a good one!
No weigh-in this morning as I didn't go home this weekend (pesky boyfriend being lovely and making me stay there ;p) I've had a tough weekend as I was at a wedding on Saturday (buffet!) and had brinch out with friends yesterday plus a Chinese with the boyfriend last night. Tried very harde to be good as possible, have not snacked or had sweet stuff at all. Will weigh in the morning and let everyone know how I have done! Hope you all had good weekends!
No weigh-in this morning as I didn't go home this weekend (pesky boyfriend being lovely and making me stay there ;p) I've had a tough weekend as I was at a wedding on Saturday (buffet!) and had brinch out with friends yesterday plus a Chinese with the boyfriend last night. Tried very harde to be good as possible, have not snacked or had sweet stuff at all. Will weigh in the morning and let everyone know how I have done! Hope you all had good weekends!

I had a conversation with my boyfriend over the weekend which shocked me. I realised that since my original weight loss journey started back in 2009, I have actually losy 5 and a half stone in weight. I started weight watchers in Fenruary 2009 at a massive 17st 12lb. By July 2009 I had lost 46lb, taking me down to 14st 8lb and then...I just stopped going. Before I knew it it was August 15th 2010, I was going on a first date with my now boyfriend and I weighed that morning at 17st 1lb. I had gained 35lb back. Since then, over the last 13 months I have lost that 35lb and am not back to 14st 8lb, which takes my total weight loss (including losing the gained 35lb!) to 81lb. I realise not what a huge achievement that has been for me. That is a lot of weight, and OK I should never have gained that 35lb back, and I should have been at my goal weight by now given that I started over 2 and a half years ago. BUT that's not the point. I'm here now and this time I am not stopping til I get to goal. I know I can do this and reading the diaries and posts on here makes all the difference!
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exactly..you are here now and ready to do something that you know you have achieved in the past..and WILL do again..sometimes that lightbulb has just got to go on..and stay on ;).....my lightbulb has been flicking on and off for years..but finally switched on and stayed on in feb!

good luck lovey :)
Awww hun, don't beat yourself up, sts is horrible, but it is much better than gaining!

Even when those blasted scale pointers don't move, your body could still be losing inches...do you ever take measurements? It might be worth considering, and when the tape measure moves even when the scales don't :)

extra good luck for next week..and always make sure you are eating enough to kick start the metabolism which melts the lbs..strange, but so true!
Thanks RainbowRose. Yeah I took my measurements. Have had a crappy day food wise today, mostly due to being stupid and eating because I was upset - go figure! Back on it tomorrow, and will remain on it til I weigh again!!!
Hope today is better for you hun x Strange how a biccie or nice treat always tastes so much nicer and more comforting than a ryvita and lettuce leaf eh????? :)
lol how true RR :) Thanks for popping by and being lovely :) I'm having a better week food wise so far than last week. I went to see a health trainer (like a buddy who talks through healthy eating and weighs me) last night. She's lovely but didn;t tell me anything I don't know already. The issue is that she can't help me with the issue I have, which is that I eat rubbish when I get emotional, tired, bored etc. So, I'm going to carry on seeing her (I get six sessions) but mainly just for the weigh-in motivation I think (and because she is so lovely!).

I also had a bit of a melt down in my kitchen while surrounded by cookies (was baking them for the kids at college). I had a long chat with my partner about some things and he explained that when I say I am going to lose weight and get fit and healthy, and then I don't, it feels like I'm telling him a tale or being dishonest with him, and I can see that, because if someone keeps telling you that they are going to do something, but then they don't, you *would* just think 'oh here we go again, another thing she says she's going to do that won't happen'. To be honest I think I felt lower than I ever have about myself last night. I would have laughed at myself had I not been so upset - sat on the kitchen floor crying my eyes out.

I NEED to change my life - not just the food and the weight, but in some other big ways too. I'm scared and worried and afriad I will fail, but I have to try and stay positive and have a 'can do' attitude otherwise what's the point?! I can do this. I can do this. I can do this...
Some Goals to Attempt!!!

1. Get to 14st 3lb (under 200lb for the first time in 10 years)
2. Get to 14st 1lb (that would be 3 stone lost since meeting my lovely boyfriend)
3. Get to 13st 7lb in time for the wedding in the USA on October 29th
4. Get to 13st 2lb (10% of my starting weight this time round)
5. Get to 12st 9lb - that would be 2 stone lost from my starting point this time.

Given that I want to lose 15lb by October 29th, that gives me a needed loss of 3lb per week on average. While I know that a healthy loss is 1-2lb per week, I know this is pushing it but that's for a specific occasion! All I need is a good month, then I can level off. I'd like to hit goal number 5 by Christmas. That is absolutely achievable I think.
hello hun, hope you are feeling okay tonight? I really feel for you getting upset in the kitchen. You know what, i have the same fears as you, yes, even now, what if i fail, what if i can't do it etc etc...it is hard to make huge lifestyle changes, but you are doing it, we are doing it!
i am sure my hubby has heard me say a hundred times, i'm going to lose this weight, that he's reached the point of thinking, that i might actually do it one day..here's hoping that day is now :)

Having someone weigh you and advise you is a great idea. My doctor's nurse, weighs me and supports me, it really helps!

Just don't try to do too much at the one time, take everything gradually hun, deal with the emotional eating in the way you are doing, make sensible food choices...and let things take their own path and at their own pace..keep your goals in mind, focus on them and make them a reality..YOU CAN DO THIS!..stay strong :)
Weighed this morning and have lost 2lb, which I am happy with as it is a loss, but am a little disappointed as I had a sneaky weigh in on Saturday and was 2lb lighter than I was this morning. Now, I've been super good all weekend and been to the gym so to be 2lb heavier again when I was so excited to think I would have lost 4lb was a bit of a let down BUT 2lb off is 2lb off :)
great loss :)....this weight malarkey could even itself out in a day or two hun, don't worry about it...next week will be another good 'un! :)

...2lbs melted off forever..yipppeee :)
SO angry right now. What the heck is wrong with me? Seriously?!!! Yesterday I didn't have a great food day. I had good food for meals but snacked on 4 chocolate digestives, 2 flumps, a pack of malteasers and some rocky road bites (6 to be precise). I told myself - 'no worries - you just have to be super good and work harder tomorrow'. Today I've had great food choices for breakfast and lunch, but also had about 6 chocolate rich tea biscuits, about 5 chocolate vianese whirl biscuits and 3 mallow teacakes. WTF am I doing??? And why??? How am I EVER going to fo this if I keep doing stupid, greedy things like this. Am beyond upset with myself - just want to sit and cry right now :(

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