Had a moment of realisation today

Discussion in 'Cambridge Weight Plan' started by Caz, 14 January 2010 Social URL.

  1. Caz

    Caz Slimming down the aisle

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    After having a big long conversation today with my niece, and after some things a few people on here have said in the last few days, I've realised a few things. This could be a long one, I apologise now!

    I've realised that life is like one big baton race, but with lots of batons. While running her race, my mum has passed on lots of batons to me, and to my sisters. Some of the batons are good. Some of those batons are not so good. Batons which say you're defined by what you look like. Batons which say you're not good enough unless you weigh a certain amount. Batons which contain a hell of a lot of demons about self esteem, weight, confidence.

    In running her race, my sister has passed some of those batons on to her daughter who is now 16. And she's got those same things, where weight and image is so important, if you don't fit the mould, then you're not good enough. I've just spent the past half an hour talking to her, telling her what an amazing, beautiful and precious young woman she is. And while sometimes she knows that, she often doesn't feel that. Why? Because she's not a perfect size 10. She's a 12, 14 on top because of boobs. But yet she is so so beautiful, but she can't see it.

    Now I think about my own race, about the batons that I carry. The ones I've got from my mum, where I see her not eat because 'she's not hungry today' or 'she had a big lunch' or 'oh i ate a lot while cooking yours'. And suddenly I see where my unhealthy relationship with food comes from. I see where my insecurities within myself come from. I see where my completely distorted self confidence and self esteem from.

    And I see how this becomes one huge cycle, getting passed on from generation, but where does it stop? When does it end? Well I've decided that it ends here. Kids are not on the cards for me any time soon, but one day I do hope to have children, and I REFUSE to pass on those batons. I refuse to let me children, or my nieces, or anyone I have any opportunity to mould, believe that what the mirror says about them is all that's said about them, and that they are so much more than that. They're not beautiful because their jeans say size 10, they're not beautiful because the scales show the right numbers, they're not even beautiful because I say they are, they're beautiful just because they're beautiful. That's the baton I want to pass on.

    And I guess that starts right here, right now, with me. Dealing with my issues, my messed up way of thinking. I don't think it'll be easy by any stretch of the imagination, but it's how it has to be. Fixing my weight is only one side of the coin. You can't fix a leaky tap by just turning off the water, it's still broken, you've just taken away the physical sign of it. In the same way, if I don't do something other than lose this weight, I'll still be broken. So I need to fix deeper within me.

    Wow. I'm sorry, I told you that would be long! I'm not sure why I'm posting it, but maybe it'll help someone else too some how, I don't know.
     
    Last edited: 14 January 2010
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  3. mommyB

    mommyB love it

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    Wow !! what a thought provoking post. I know that my mums attitude toward me has affected my self esteem and in turn probably had something to do with my food issues and weight.
    I have 2 daughters and dont want the same for them, so i guess i need to look very carefully at which batons i choose to pass on and which i throw by the wayside.
    Thanks
     
  4. hope70

    hope70 Full Member

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    I feel likewise about my daughter and son and my relationship with my mum. Those bonds and messages are powerful. I am not sure how good I am at doing something different but I sure am trying!!
     
  5. Laura Croft

    Laura Croft Happily maintaining

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    Awesome post Caroline, and it's so freeing to be able to detach from it all isn't it?

    I wrote a thread the other day about adult/parent/child egos - it's called Transactional Analysis, which I'm sure you've heard about. It's amazing how many times even in abstinence I've said to myself 'I am going to have that (food), I deserve it.' My mother rewarded us with food, like many did and I still have that mind set at times. All the best to you.
     
  6. Blingbabe

    Blingbabe Back On Track!

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    Good thinking there Caroline about food and family dynamics, it helps to understand how we were influenced as children and teens. Well done, I am sure it will aid your CD journey x
     
  7. Caz

    Caz Slimming down the aisle

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    That's a classic from my family. Oh go on, you should treat yourself. Err yeah I treated myself all the way up to 19 stone, I don't think I need any more treats right now!!
     
  8. Caz

    Caz Slimming down the aisle

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    mommyb and hope, the fact that you guys see the power that it has will make a world of difference I'm sure. You guys are doing something to break it through doing this diet. I'm sure what you're passing on to your kids is a very different message.

    BB, I think it'll help too. It's like things have clicked a little now. And I can say wait, I know what that is, no!
     
  9. AlyB

    AlyB Full Member

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    Good stuff Caroline!
    My mum always treated us with food, and punished us with the lack of treats etc.. so food was associated with treats and being good.. ultimately not so good in the end! myself, and my bro and sis have issues now with food!
    its easy to slip into the same habits as a parent, and seeing me always on a diet doesnt help matters i guess!
    BUT
    my thinking has changed these days, and life after CD will be very different! far less emphasis on food, just healthy eating!
     
  10. trisha

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    [QUOTE=caroline g;224406

    where I see her not eat because 'she's not hungry today' or 'she had a big lunch' or 'oh i ate a lot while cooking yours'.

    And I see how this becomes one huge cycle, getting passed on from generation, but where does it stop? When does it end?

    You could have written this about me, because before cd this is exactly what I was like, but I am glad to say I have not passed these hang ups on to my daughter I was determind not to. When she was small she was never "rewarded" with chocolate etc but books or games (although she did eat some it was never a reward) and as a result she has grown up with no hang ups about food/weight, she is a slim size 8, can take or leave chocolate, never buys it for herself, eats well and never snacks.

    Why can't I do it for myself? wish I knew the answer!
     
  11. Laura Croft

    Laura Croft Happily maintaining

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    My brother in law had a really rough week at work the other week (he's a policeman) and mum took them some food up to help out.

    Honestly it quite scares me because she taught us to eat well, sure we had our food rewards but so did 'normal' people - so was there a mutant gene in me that started to use food as a comfort et al?
     
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