How do we protect her ??

[fillymum]

Yesterday a very elderly friend of ours was admitted into hospital. We were with her. She has pneumonia and is quite ill.

During the 10 hours we waited for a bed she started to talk about a John she knows. It was John this and John that and John's lent me his mobile phone blah, blah, blah.

It transpires that this John is the guy who delivers her butane bottles. He has been calling round at the house on a regular basis and even though I speak to her everyday she hasn't mentioned it.

Yesterday I spoke to him and told him what was happening with her and that she would come to recuperate at our home and that he was welcome to come and see her. He was quite indignant and brusk with me . He said no, no she can come and stay in an apartment I have in town. I rent it out but she can have it for nothing. I very politely told him that was not on and was not going to happen.

Talking to her later she mentioned that he has several houses he rents out duhhhh am I being wicked here or do I see a pattern emerging ??

As we left her she asked me to ring John and give him her love.

When we got home I rang her friends to let them all know what was happening and one of them expressed some concern about this John !! By now alarm bells are ringing. I rang him to let him know how the old lady was and unfortunately woke him up. It was very late when we got home, but what the hell. He started to tell me what good friends he is with the old lady so I thanked him for all he has done for her and his kindness to her and told him were she is if he wants to visit. He said he is too busy today. Hmmmmmm.

Now the old lady allows everyone to think she has no family which is not true. She has a niece who obviously will inherit the house. She has no money and struggles on her pension.

Do you think we are just being bad minded thinking that he is in there with an eye to the main chance ??

He is a 40 something year old Romanian man who has told her he is divorced but made no mention of the woman he lives with. To contact him the number he has given the old lady comes up as Ingrid when he rings her. He was in bed asleep with her when I rang . He asked her to pass him a pen so that is how I know.

There is nothing wrong with any of the above and he could genuinely be the nicest most caring man in the world but somehow it doesn't feel right.

What can I do to protect her if in fact she needs protecting.

 

[Margery Dawe]

Alarm bells would be ringing in my head as well. The fact that the lady has not mentioned him before suggests that deep down she knows that something is not right.

I can only think that by having her at your house to get over the op, he will lose interest and leave her alone. If he was a true friend it wouldn't matter where she was and he would still visit. I may be good to have him come around and sit in with them to see what they talk about. I wouldn't be surprised if it was a very stilted conversations as he wouldn't be free to say what usually does.

I wouldn't be worried about thinking the worse, unfortunately in this day and age, the elderly are seen as an easy target.

Keep her close and keep her safe.

xx

 

[fillymum]

That is very good advice. Thank you.
I will ring him today with an update, I am off to the hospital in a couple of hours time, and ask him when he is visiting her and make a point of both of us being there.

It is sad that we think this way but as you said in this day and age the elderly are a target and she is very vulnerable.

I wonder if there is anyway I can get some sort of background on him.

 

[Jennyonaplate]

When she's staying with you, how about talking about 'someone you know' who made a new friend before dying and then it turned out that he'd made her change her will an had done it to other people too. Sounds like a bit of an extreme story, but I daresay that if this john has been trying to influence her in any way, she might not be able to see what that he might be trying to take advantage of her, should you try an raise it in a more direct way. But bringing up the subject in a non-direct way might just give her food for thought, especially if his behaviour changes in the future.

 

[Happy Holidays]

Such a difficult situation to be in, and it is awful to think all he is after is her money/property.

I'd be inclined to ask her outright if she has made a Will, is it up to date, and if her neice is the beneficiary. Otherwise you'll just keep thinking the worse. I may also make you accept John more if you know he's going to get nothing out of the relationship.

Even though my mum isn't that old (she had me when she was 17) she is very guilable and this is the type of thing I worry about, she has a door to door salesman who visits each month (she waits in for him!) and she spends quite a lot of money with him, usually tack. So I understand exactly what you are saying.

I know you'll keep us posted on events. And I hope your friend is soon with you for recuperation.

 

[fillymum]

We have just got home from the hospital.
She seemed to be considerably better and with us there she was encouraged to eat half of her lunch and all of the yogurt.
She is very feeble, still on oxygen and being re-hydrated.

Michelle, thank you for the advice. We had decided that was the best approach. As soon as she is well enough we will talk to her.

She was very despondant that John has not phoned her or been to see her. I was quite relieved to be able to say quite honestly that neither of us had a mobile phone with us when she asked if she could use one.

This afternoon Paul is going to her house to start cleaning it. It is in the most disgusting state. He will not let me go with him today as he said he wants to clear the smells from the kitchen as they would make me puke. He took the opportunity to look in every room when he went to feed her cat. He said every room is like a slum. I wonder just how long it has been since she has felt able to look after herself properly.

 

[Jennyonaplate]

It's got to be hard when you're so used to your independence to find yourself unable to keep on top of things. I think a lot of people find it too hard to ask for help, which is why they end up in situations like that.

 

[fillymum]

It's got to be hard when you're so used to your independence to find yourself unable to keep on top of things. I think a lot of people find it too hard to ask for help, which is why they end up in situations like that.

I agree with you and especially for her generation.
It does answer a lot though. It answers why if I was picking her up she was always waiting outside the house with the house firmly locked and why on our return she insisted on waving me goodbye from the kerbside without me even entering the garden. DH was allowed in the house and he did comment on the fact that it was becoming a bit of a mess. That is the understatement of the year.
We have made a break through today. She has agreed to allow me to speak to S.S. to see if I can arrange help for her a couple of times a week. I am sure I will get it as I have recently arranged the same service for someone I take to the hospital and inteperet for. He is in a wheelchair. She is walking with great difficulty these days so the situation is similar. The big problem for her is that she doesn't have the language or at least not enough to communicate at this level.
This allows her to keep her dignity so that coupled with the fact that the house will be spotless when DH and I have finished it means she has no loss of pride.

 

[Jennyonaplate]

You're a good soul Sue! We need more people like you in the world!

 

[chubbyemma]

I agree you need to be my friend Sue and look after me to.
Go with your gut instinct with john, you wouldnt feel this way without reason.And something is def not right with the whole situation.

girls have given good advice as always, keep us informed

 

[fillymum]

I am sat here at stupid o'clock, not having slept. The whole situation keeps going round and round in my head.

He, John, has our phone number but hasn't phoned to ask how she is. He might have been to see her after we left so already knows how she is.

She has always told us were her private papers are in case anything ever happens to her. Her funeral insurance is made out to us as we will handle the arrangements when the time comes. None of those papers are to be seen anywhere. We looked yesterday. John has had the run of the place and even fitted a new lock on the place where she kept them. I only found that out yesterday that he had fitted the lock. I am really worried.

I am working today but as soon as I have finished I will go to the hospital to see her and if she is well enough I will ask her were the policy and the other papers are.

Do I phone the niece and hand it over to her??

 

[Margery Dawe]

She has always told us were her private papers are in case anything ever happens to her. Her funeral insurance is made out to us as we will handle the arrangements when the time comes. None of those papers are to be seen anywhere. We looked yesterday. John has had the run of the place and even fitted a new lock on the place where she kept them. I only found that out yesterday that he had fitted the lock. I am really worried.

I don't like the sound of that at all!!! Keep going lovey and do all you can to help her, you are such a good friend. x

 

[Jinxter2007]

I think I would inform someone at the hosptal (they must have a vulnerable persons office) your friendship and concern is evident but if you report it it will take the onus off you, the worst thing that could happen is this man poisons her mind against you, and then he would be in full controll, you can always ask the hospital not to mention you, good luck x

 

[judimac]

I agree, the whole situation stinks! What sort of system do they have in Spain? If the papers are nowhere in the house I would be inclined to involve the police.

 

[Happy Holidays]

Yes I'd let the neice know. But I'd explain you wanted to let her know her aunt is very poorly, her 'friend' John etc, but I'd let her make her own decision & let you know if she thinks something is going on.

At the end of the day, yes you are there to help & protect her, but if the neice wants to follow it through then let her do it. If your elderly friend has chosen to leave everything to John then so be it, it's her property & hers to do with as she wishes.

 

[fillymum]

Well I finished work early and went to the hospital. Paul went to continue the epic cleaning job.
The old lady is not so daft. She has moved the papers to another place and has told me where they are......phew !!! I feel a whole lot better about that.
She does not want me to contact the niece, says she can do nothing and would not come over here anyway.
I was greeted with " I have spoken to John " one of the nurses had helped her with the mobile phone. He is going to see her tonight. She thinks he is some sort of saint.
Far be it from me to point out to her that she has been in 3 days and he has not phoned us to see how she is or been to see her earlier.
I did nearly blow when she said,"oh he is so good, it is such a long way to come " I just had to say, " Yes I know , it is further for us and we have been every day ".I felt quite childish and petty saying it but I just could not help myself.
The hospital has our numbers as contact numbers and know she will stay with us for few days to recuperate after her stay and also for us to assess whether she can live alone again.
Michelle, I agree with you. If she chooses to leave the house to him, so be it. Our only concern is that she is returned to good health.
Jinxter. Thank you for your advice as well. If he tries to discredit us I think she has enough spark left, she is quite feisty, to put him in his place. It would be a grave mistake on his part.
I still think it stinks.

 

[maclynn]

Hi sue, oh what a great friend you are, alarm bells would be ringing with me, you're right to treat the man with caution.

 

[MrsBabyCakes]

Wow its a difficult one isnt it! Its awful that we have to be so suspicious about people. Like you said he could be an innocent and genuine Samaritan, but they also might not be. I dont envy your position at all. I hope it all works out for you.

 

[Margery Dawe]

Yes I'd let the neice know. But I'd explain you wanted to let her know her aunt is very poorly, her 'friend' John etc, but I'd let her make her own decision & let you know if she thinks something is going on.

At the end of the day, yes you are there to help & protect her, but if the neice wants to follow it through then let her do it. If your elderly friend has chosen to leave everything to John then so be it, it's her property & hers to do with as she wishes.

Sorry Michelle, but I have to disagree with you there. I know for certain that I would not be able to stand by and let some trickster worm his way into to someone's life to get what he can out of it. If he was a true friend you would not have been able to keep him away from the hospital. Yes, it is hers to do with what she wishes, but not have her decision influenced by someone that has selfish intentions.

That's not meant to sound harsh

 

[Jennyonaplate]

Sorry Michelle, but I have to disagree with you there. I know for certain that I would not be able to stand by and let some trickster worm his way into to someone's life to get what he can out of it. If he was a true friend you would not have been able to keep him away from the hospital. Yes, it is hers to do with what she wishes, but not have her decision influenced by someone that has selfish intentions.

That's not meant to sound harsh

Whilst I believe his actions sound deeply suspicious, there's nothing to actually say that he is planning on making her change her will, or swindle her in any way.

Until you know for sure what someone is up to you just have to proceed with caution, and of course keep an eye on your friend.