How do we protect her ??

What an awful position to be in - kind of damned if you do, damned if you don't. I really don't know what to advise, just sending you hugs. I hate to see people being exploited and it seems this lady is taking advantage of your incredibly generous nature, whilst at the same time possibly being exploited by John. I would say you need to keep on doing as you're doing, but try to stand back a little and not get too personally involved (if that's possible).

I sometimes get too involved with the customers I try to help, thinking "what if..." and then I stand back and say to myself, well yes, their problem is complicated and distressing, but it is THEIR problem, not mine. I'll help as much as I can, but I can't do everything, sometimes they have to help themselves.

I'm sure others will come up with some good advice - there seems to be a lot of people on this forum who work or have experience in the social services sector.

xxx
 
:hug99:First off, have a huge hug from me!

I completely understand your concerns about not being able to walk away. I think I would be the same.

I would maybe suggest having a very frank and honest conversation with her and explain just how much time of yours and Paul's time it's taking, and for you that time means not earning, which is not something you can afford to do. Explain that you can't continue with the level of support that you've both been giving her, but let her know that you'll help her to find a solution, and will still be her friend regardless.

I think a lot of older people don't realise how dependent they are on other people, and see things like care, or external support as losing independence, when really they're already relying on other people such as friends or family. She's probably scared about the future, life changing and losing independence, but she also needs to realise that you're not her solution to everything. Give her time to think about things after talking to her, and then see what she comes up with on her own.

You are an absolute angel with everything you've done, but you are still only human, so I think you need to slowly start withdrawing your support so that you can get some of your own life back. No need to feel guilty, as most people wouldn't have helped out in the first place, so you've already gone above and beyond .
 
How about ringing age concern? They're an independent company and they can help with shopping, cooking, cleaning for very little pay (if any). They are very good! We refer a lot of people in the community to them and I have only heard great things. Also the hospital appointments, if you ring the hospital and say that she has no transport to get there, they will sort out the transport or give a number to someone who can help.

I know you are helping this lady and your obviously very nice, however you need to think about yourselves as well otherwise she'll just put more and more pressure on you and your family and make you feel guilty if you don't.
 
Might be a bit far for age concern to get to Spain! But worth seeing if there are any spanish equivalents.
 
Ooops didn't realise... Sorry. But yeah there should be somebody that you can ring that offers similar services
 
(((Sue)))

Time for some Minxy based tough love.

I dont blame you for feeling a responsibility to this lady, its in your nature to care and you are doing so much for her.

But at what cost to yourself? You have to look after yourself first and foremost lady, or you cant possibly hope to have any strength or desire to help take care of someone else. She isn't your responsibility, even though you feel a duty of care towards her, and it is time the authorities stepped in here and took their share of the care role on. Or at the very least, other members of your community stepped in and helped out a bit.

While you keep on doing it, there is no-one else going to step up to the plate and volunteer. Is it possible to ask your other neighbours to take a role in this ladies care? If you carry on the way you are doing then it will be YOU that is needing the care.

Hassle the heck out of the local social services, demand that they step in and do something for this lady, and do it now. If she is unable to care for herself in her own home, she shouldnt be living there. It is that simple. It is one thing being neighbourly and providing support in a crisis but you never signed up to be her long term carer and the hospital should have put extra help in place before they let her go home.

You need to look after you and your hubby. Start making a fuss, before you burn out too and your hubby ends up having to care for everyone, and burns out himself. Its not fair on you or him to have your lives impacted in such a manner.
 
MLM has said it hun xxx
 
Thank you my friends. Your advice and input is so appreciated.

We have no equivalent to Age Concern and if we did she wouldn't allow them anywhere near her.

It was suggested to her that SS called in twice a week and she point blank refused.

The people who saw the house today want to buy it but she is now saying she is able to look after herself and is not ready to leave the house.. She is NOT able to care for herself.

She hurt me beyond belief this morning. I paid some money into the bank for her. She phoned me before went and told me she expected me to get a receipt for the money. Of course I would give her the paying in slip. It was said in such a way that I was left in no doubt why she had said it.

Next week she has to be left to look after herself for a few days that should make her realise that it is now time to move on.

I am bone weary and my poor husband is worn out. Our own home is very labour intensive with all our animals . It is a real country house so takes a lot of keeping up with. So much has been neglected.

I feel I am moaning and being negative but it has been a relief to be able to come here and pour out my heart.

I do not want to desert her, but the rules have to be rewritten.
 
The obvious is in front of you. If she believes that she is capable of taking care of herself, let her. Either she will quickly come to realise that she isn't and she's been taking your good nature for granted, or she will cope. Either way, it will be a learning curve for her.

I don't think you have any choice but to pull yourself out of this situation. It will otherwise end as I said above, or with you losing your rag with her because of how much you are suffering at her expense.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Be kind to yourselves.
 
Goodness you poor thing. It sounds as though you know things have to change and I don't really have any advice, I guess you just need to be brave and speak to her directly. Be clear on what you are prepared to do for her and what she will need someone else to do.

Just a thought, but her comments and recent behaviour sound almost as though she is trying to push you away and hurt you on purpose. Maybe you both need a break from each other? Things have been fairly intense over the last few weeks, things are bound to escalate sooner or later I suppose.

Does the hospital have any kind of patient transport system for getting the elderly or infirm to appointments. I know there's something like that here but obviously have no idea of the situation in Spain.

It sounds as though this lady needs a wake-up call as to her abilities and she won't get that when you are still helping her all the time. Maybe she would be more receptive to SS after a few days fending for herself?

Anyway, just my thoughts for what they're worth. I do hope you can have 'the talk' with her soon and put your mind at rest, make peace with each other and - most importantly get your own life back on track. You are far too nice for your own good! ((Hugs)) x
 
Sue

Hope you are ok, you need to step away from the situation. The above are right she needs to try survive herself, obviously give her maybe a few phone calls in the day to make sure she is ok.

But think of your health & your DH.

Take Care XXX
 
MadameLaMinx said:
The obvious is in front of you. If she believes that she is capable of taking care of herself, let her. Either she will quickly come to realise that she isn't and she's been taking your good nature for granted, or she will cope. Either way, it will be a learning curve for her.

I don't think you have any choice but to pull yourself out of this situation. It will otherwise end as I said above, or with you losing your rag with her because of how much you are suffering at her expense.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Be kind to yourselves.
Click to expand...

I agree Gill, the time has come for her to prove to HERSELF she can cope.
You are so right, I am about to blow a fuse with her but would upset myself more than her if I hurt her needlessly when to take a step back would be the better thing to do.

Beegee said:
Does the hospital have any kind of patient transport system for getting the elderly or infirm to appointments. I know there's something like that here but obviously have no idea of the situation in Spain.

It sounds as though this lady needs a wake-up call as to her abilities and she won't get that when you are still helping her all the time. Maybe she would be more receptive to SS after a few days fending for herself?

Anyway, just my thoughts for what they're worth. ((Hugs)) x
Click to expand...

She could be picked up in an abulance but would just be one of many. A 45 minute drive, the distance from her home to the hospital, could take up to 4 or 5 hours. Honestly she is too frail for that.

I agree it is wake up time and we have decided that next week apart from the hospital visits, she is on her own. Paul is with her now getting her evening meal for her and seeing o the cat and he is going to speak to her.

Thanks for "just your thoughts" they are valuable.

Thank you everyone.

I will let you know what happens.
 
I thought some of you might be interested in an update.

Firstly, John, the predatory gasman, disappeared when he found there was no chance of him swindling the old lady. I asked her yesterday had she heard from him and you know she wasnt' that stupid her answer was " no not for over a month. I think when he knew I knew what he was doing and that I only wanted Paul here he just went " I asked had she contacted him, she said no, she didn't want to renew any friendship with him. I do not know what really happened but I am glad he is out of the picture.

The old dear still is not able to cope by herself. DH has been there today to sort a few things out for her and I still take her shopping every week when she is often rude or unpleasant to me but I am able to just ignore it now.

She should not be living in that big house alone and should do the sensible thing and move into town and enjoy the capital the sale of her house would bring her.

I do not know what she will do when we are no longer here but that is her problem not mine.

She is very demanding but the difference now is that we do not respond like we did before. She wants to manage on her own so she can get on with it.

I do not mean to sound hard because I am not hard but we have done all we can do the rest is up to her now.
 
I don't think I have posted anywhere that we found someone who wanted to buy her house. A cash sale with no chain........she changed her mind at the last minute..........................
 
I thought that there might be a few of you who would be interested in a quick update.

The gasman never did come back so that was one problem sorted.

We are still doing her shopping and taking her for her hospital checkups the big difference being that I am no longer offended when she is rude or demanding. She is an old lady and I think she just can not help herself.

She phoned us this morning at 7.30 a.m. to tell us her little cat had died during the night. Paul has gone round to bury it and to spend half an hour with her.

I was quite worried when she said, between the tears that she has nothing to get up for now and has lost her only companion.

There are so many cats up for adoption here that I wondered should we find her an elderly cat that needs a good home. What do you think ???
 
Happy Holidays said:
Yep definatley get her another cat, that is if she is happy to have another.

It will keep her company I've no doubt, like me, she talked to her cat like it was another human being.
Click to expand...

She did talk to her cat. She was her companion and her friend.
I have spoken to her and she would like another cat. I found a brother and sister desperate for a good home but she can not cope with two. I can gaurantee I will have one for her by tomorrow.........

Paul has been to see her twice today. I think we have to spoil her a bit today.
 
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