How do you deal with toxic 'friends' and others?

[*Cupcake*]

Hi all

Got a few personal probs atm (who hasn't? lol) and in trying to deal with them I have come to some unpleasant realisations. I have a couple of people who are not the friends/colleagues I thought they were. I would be interested to see how others deal with toxic 'friends' and others who take but give nothing back?

You know the ones, the ones who want to hang around and moan and despair and seek all your answers, take your hospitality and friendship, talk about themselves and nothing else.

Yet when the shoe is on the other foot and you need to talk or have a moan or need a bit of help or tlc - guess what? They don't want to know! No-where to be seen. Messages not replied to etc. And the ones at work, who need your help (freely given) but then take the credit for all you've done. Grrrr

I'm seeing a couple of peeps with new eyes of late, and starting to realise I've been a bit of a doormat. I always try and see the best in people, and give my time and friendship without expecting a return, but I'm feeling drained and I don't know how to tackle this. I need some assertiveness but I don't want to be a b*tch though, and be unpleasant - thats not me. I run from confrontation!

Anyone have this ever? And how did you deal with it? Tia xx

 

[xGeordieGirlx]

Oh yes, I completely know what you mean and have had some ‘toxic’ people in my life. Though I left most of them behind when I left sixth form thank goodness!!

In my group of girls, we have one “toxic” friend. Which is good…only one out of a big group. But she is SOO up herself it’s unreal. And hardly anyone likes her, we just sort of put up with her. Whenever you tell a story she has to top it and tell something better. She’s always got some drama going on and wants EVERYONE to know, but when something happens to you and you need help, she just says “ahh it’ll be fine” and then ignores you. Luckily the rest of the girlies are amazing and not like that at all so I’m quite lucky With that one girl…well…I’ve just learnt to deal with it and ignore it.

Work is more of a tricky one. Started this job in October last year and everyone seemed so lovely when I started (I’m an admin assistant in a College). Then obviously it went downhill from there. I work in a team of 6 people and the one person I have to report to is the worst person ever. I personally think it’s because there’s such a big age gap and she doesn’t know how to communicate with me or anything. Basically, a month in, and she was shouting at me for no reason, whenever I said anything she was rolling her eyes, making snide comments about me and my Auntie (who also works here). I know I’m here to work. But she goes on and on and on about her and her problems and her life and everything to do with HER. And even if you mention something about yourself, she kicks off and says work is not a place to discuss your personal life. And it really really bugs the life out of me!! I’ve actually never properly disliked someone til now. She makes everyday unbearable…I’ve been so close to snapping and just handing my notice in and never coming back. I find, just tuning her out and getting on with work, really does work. Leave her to it.

I know the ‘toxic’ people do matter because they bug us and are sometimes nasty (in my experience anyway), you’ve just got to learn to deal with that. With me, I have to put up with both of the above people because I work with one, and the other one is in a group of friends. But if it’s someone whose just one person….I’d get rid. I have before. I lost touch with my “best friend” from school because of this. It’s hard but it makes you realise who your true friends are

Probably doesn’t help you but that’s just my experience lol (and actually that little rant about the work person has made me feel a whole lot better!!)

 

[louisedan]

Over the years(shakes walking stick and speaks in shakey voice)I've learnt that the best thing to do with these people is to smile sweetly,not argue and slowly but surely drop them out of your inner circle. Don't confront them because the backstabbing darling will get you back. Smile when they are being snide and it will get to them much more than shouting back or arguing.Do exactly the same in work. Only speak to them when you have to and smile very nicely. They get fed up after a awhile and move away.You could report tham but I find it makes bosses etc wary of you even though you don't deserve it.:girlpower:Oh and if you have to make the tea ,make theirs extra special.!!

 

[Mr Gilbo]

I think I am quite lucky with my group of friends. They all offer support too me, and in turn I have helped them with their problems. I have this one friend who suffers from depression. When she broke up with her bf she asked for help and got it from a few of us. But it was a big wake up call that some of her friends that she thought would help didn't and could care less.

At work being the line manager I don't talk about my personal live with any of them. They are just too gossipy, like a teachers common room!

 

[evilpenguin]

There's no way of getting rid of the toxic people, there's always one and they'll always find you! I just try my best to ignore these people. As louisedan has said, smiling sweetly and not arguing back does work, they get bored of trying and give up!

 

[judimac]

Good post Louise dan, can't rep you have to "share the love"!
My other take on these folk is that we have to have one or 2 of them in our lives so that we can feel superior

 

[Kikikisses]

Sounds like a situation shared by many, in the past I've out right dropped friends for the despicable things they've done but really as an adult now I have to agree with others and just distance yourself and give them less of your time. Hope it all works out for you <3

 

[*Cupcake*]

Thanks for the replies - its given me new perspective. I've been worrying what *I* had done wrong - when its really not the case.

It feels sad and a bit weird, seeing peeps you thought of as friends / colleagues as people who really are just strangers, and not worth the heartache. I'm taking soft but determined steps away now.

The consolation is though that there are so many lovelies in the world like you all . You guys are fabulous!

Thank you! xx

 

[MadameLaMinx]

My main fault is that instead of just dumping off the toxic people at the first sniff of toxicity, I try to understand where they are coming from and give them the benefit of the doubt for having unhappiness in their lives so greatly that they want to inflict it on others.

This does however mean that I end up so drained and unsupported myself that I burn out and break down. I have more recently got to a point where I can identify that I am doing this, and on a couple of occasions have simply told the person that I cannot handle what they are asking of me, and that I intend to step away from the situation, which invariably means a big fall out in the end but then they are gone and the pressure is off.

I am not a big fan of confrontation and I suppose this contributes to it. But because I never used to confront, and instead let things build, they would fester inside me and I would take it out on myself, by comfort eating, and generally acting in a self-destructive manner.

I dont have many friends these days, certainly no-one locally that I could call upon other than my inlaws if I were in need, and most of my long term true friends have moved away and on with their lives and we only really connect on rare occasions, but they are true friends and I know if I needed them they would still stand by me and be there for me, even if that was at a distance.

 

[Nut_Brown_Hare]

I think it really helps to remind yourself that you are not the one with the problem and make sure it doesn't change how you are with people. I always take people at face value, tend to believe that everyone is basically good, want to help and have therefore been very surprised in the past by the way some people have behaved. My husband says I am still a bit naive and gullible but to be honest I prefer this than being one of those people who keeps others at arms length and is suspicious of everyone. Life is too short and you might miss out on some lovely friendships if you don't reach out that hand to someone else.

I try to believe in karma, too, and that they'll get theirs one day