I feel like cr@p :(

[Mandana]

First few days on CD were horrible - headache from hell and felt like I'd got the 'flu what with aching muscles and zero energy. But started to feel better after 4 days, and was almost buzzing.

Ate at the weekend (not much), but got back to it on Monday and felt fine - no headaches.

Stuck to it until yesterday, when I had an overwhelming urge to eat. Tried waiting, drinking more water, but the leftover packets of crisps from the weekend were calling

Tuck into one of them and have to say I didn't enjoy a single mouthful - they were too greasy and salty, and for once didn't manage to finish the packet (it was a big packet mind). Anyway, the mindset had sunk in, and decided to go for it .. so a couple of bowls of cereal later and half a packet of biscuits, decided in my wisdom to rid myself of the lot

It's not something I do often, just every now and then, and nothing I'm proud of.

Tried to shake off my lethargy and went for a walk across the fields, and came home an hour later with a nice big bag of blackberries which are now washed and in the freezer ready to make into something

Felt very shaky (not surprisingly) and by late afternoon I really felt awful. Both physically & mentally. Ended up having some ham & a tin of organic beans, and then later fresh pineapple. Finished the evening with a bowl of muesli and then a chicken hot-pot ready meal (yuk).

Today I feel like sh!te. Very weak, shaky and downright miserable. I've got to go to an AGM in an hour and lunch is provided. Having a dilemma as to whether to eat or not to eat.

Really don't know whether I'm coming or going .. and poor Mr Mandana! One minute I'm eating, the next not, the next am ..

Wish I could stop obsessing about my weight and just get on with one plan or the other. It's so hard when my head is all over the place.

Any advice?

Mandana x

 

[KD]

Aw. Poor you Mandana. Hugs.

Perhaps you could try low carbing for a few days and then try again. From what I hear, it makes it much easier to slip into ketosis.

 

[Mandana]

Whoever said maintaining after abstaining was easy needs to be shot!

Thanks for the hug Karion - certainly could do with one. Feeling very 'poor me' today. But not just mentally - physically too. Just feel really low in energy. I'm sure if it wasn't for the decorators turning up first thing this morning I'd still be in bed!

And as for this meeting .. and sense I'm going to be dropping off half way through! Then again, the thought of lunch might perk me up!

Just wish I could stop messing my body around with all this starving v bingeing and just eat 'normally'. Easy to say, but so very hard to do.

And as for that dress .. at this rate there is no way on earth I'll be wearing it. And then I'll have to go out and buy something else. What a waste!

Maybe I should go and put myself on a desert island for a couple of months .. join the crew of Lost or something?! Then again, they've got food now, haven't they. Doh!

Mandana x

 

[Diva]

OOooh Mandana!! This is a cycle that I know only too well, hun! I really do feel your "pain" in wanting to lose the extra weight that you have put on and wanting to use the formula that worked for you in the past...I sooooooooo understand this and many times I wish I didn't, if you get my drift!!!!

Hun, I know this is not what you want to hear and I know that this is a controversial viewpoint BUT.....for some of us, the emotional "pain" of doing SS again, after having been successful the first time round, is way too much.

We find it hard to let go of the success that we previously had and find it hard to come to terms that it worked for us because it was right for us at THAT time. Now, in this moment, it is an entirely different set of circumstances...the intensity that we felt then is not the same as now.

Yes, you may feel crap "emotionally" but physically you know deep down that you are in no way as bad as when you first started your journey...and it is this form of almost physical acceptance that can hold us back. I know that consciously you don't like your physical appearance now but subconsciously its usually a different story!

Mandana, maybe you could look at other alternatives that are more suited to where you are now...how about 790 or 1000kcal? You may not drop a stone a month but you will lose weight and gain peace of mind and more control and reeducation of your eating habits in the process...and also don't ever forget the head work as that is the difference that makes the difference!......

 

[KD]

Well said Diva. What a fantastic answer.

 

[AKB]

Oh poor you Mandana,

All I can say is stick with what you know works - you were one of my heroines when I started CD (almost a year ago now) and it was reading your highs and lows that encouraged and inspired me to carry on when all I wanted to do was stuff food into my face!

I'd follow Karion's advice - she seems to have it "sorted" maintenance wise - low carb your self into ketosis and if you want to eat this lunchtime, stick to good quality low fat protein options plus greenery! (Unless you are unlucky enough to have Geordie caterers - I can remember going to a "do" up North once where the only vegetable item was the parsley garnish - everything else was pastry - sausage rolls, pork pie, corn beef pie, pasties, quiche, etc. )

{{{HUGS}}}

Love,
A
xxxx

Ooh - just seen your reply Diva - wish I was as together as you!

 

[KD]

Ooh - just seen your reply Diva - wish I was as together as you!

I wrote another reply. Checked to see if anyone else had. Read Divas and scrapped mine.

 

[Mandana]

You're right Diva .. my drive is nowhere near as great as it was before. The novelty has worn off and the urgency has all but disappeared.

Emotionally I'm all over the place - one day I'm accepting, another I'm loathing.

And physically I feel truly terrible - like I've got the 'flu coming on. My arms and legs feel like lead and my shoulders like I've got buckets of cement resting on them. Nothing a good sandwich won't cure is what my CB is telling me!

And no doubt there will be loads of them at the AGM .. !

I don't know much about the other plans - 790 etc. I got a book when I first started CD earlier in the year but only flicked through it. Didn't get anything this time round with my new CDC. I suppose by not getting off my arse and reading the book is telling me I can't be bothered, and I want someone else to do all the hard work for me!

All it takes is a bit of effort, doesn't it, but summoning it up is another thing.

Don't feel like working .. don't feel like anything. Going back to bed is the only thing I feel like, but can't.

Tsk .. right moaner today, aren't I?!

 

[Geri]

Wow diva,
what a great reply - that certainly rang true for me too, so thankyou

Mandana me darlin....
not quite sure what to say, coz I know where you're coming from. Do you panic when you've got an event to aim for if you know what I mean. It happens to me all the time, i need to break that cycle..... for example I had my brothers wedding in april and this was something to work to, but it didnt happen - i ended up putting on rather than taking off! Maybe your stressing subconciously about this 'do'... Just throwing that out into the air for you to think about...

Have a read through your lighterlife manuals - that might help you to refocus, or to understand why your doing what your doing...

Hope you're feeling a bit better by now

 

[Mandana]

you were one of my heroines when I started CD (almost a year ago now) and it was reading your highs and lows that encouraged and inspired me to carry on when all I wanted to do was stuff food into my face!

Waaaaaaaah, that's made me feel worse!

How can I be a heroine when I've put on weight and can't do a damned thing about it?

But thank you all the same

Mandana x

 

[Mandana]

Thanks Geri .. you know you might be right about stressing about events.

I'm going to one this Saturday and really stressed about it, until I realised the chap I was stressing about hasn't seen me since pre-LL. So even though I'm heavier than goal, I'm still a long way from what he remembers. Once I realised that I relaxed.

Not like this do in October. Last time the people we're going with saw me was at our party last November when I wore those skinny jeans. I'm huge compared to then. It's probably that which is stressing me out.

I've even been thinking about having one of those wraps where you can lose 2 inches off each thigh .. just to get into the bloody dress!

At this rate I can see I'm going to want to cry off ..

How sad is that considering where I've come from?

Diva .. head work?? Where do I get that from?! Help!

Mandana x

 

[AKB]

Gosh sorry Mandana,
Didn't mean to make you feel worse
I was trying to say in my obviously cack-handed way that I think you are fab even if you don't!
I'll shut up and go away now.......

XXX

 

[Mandana]

Aww AKB, no, you weren't cack-handed at all! It's just that I don't feel very heroic at the moment!

And I'm totally at your pictures and weight loss! My God, how totally amazing!!

Do you know what? You've cheered me up just by seeing how well you've done.

And if I played a tiny weeny part in that, I'm humbled. What an achievement! You look awesome

Off to sort myself out now and face this AGM. Anyone got any matchsticks?!

Mandana x

 

[AKB]

Cheers Mandana,

It's been a long slog but today I've finally got my BMI under 25 so am now "healthy". It's taken 363 days (I kicked and railed against SS the whole way!) and now I'm truly "frit" of starting maintenance - now I have to learn to make sensible choices around food and learn to live with my food addiction - which I firmly believe it is.

This board and the DHH one was the one thing that kept me sane throughout and it was reading your story and all the others that kept me focussed and believing in myself! I'm trying to give a bit back by encouraging others at the start of their journeys and also I hope to be helped through maintenance by old hands like yourself!

Hope the AGM isn't too boring/difficult etc!
Love,
A
xxxx

 

[Isobel1965]

Mandana - I do hope you're feeling a bit more chipper now - I honestly do know how you're feeling. I've put on a bit of weight too and I just haven't got the willpower to get it off again right now. I try - I start off every day with good intentions - but then I think oh well, I'm still in size 12 clothes (even if they are getting tight) so I'll just have what I want to eat today then try again tomorrow. It's not good, huh? So not the way forward, but I have descended into apathy and, like you, am sick of the fast/binge cycle but just can't eat healthily every day. I honestly wish I could.

SO you are not alone, hun!

And yeah, Diva is the answermeister, hey? lol

 

[Diva]

Hey guys...please don't think that I have all the answers, I wish I did because then the first place I would start would be myself!!!

What I do know though through personal, and professional experience, is that the more attention we pay to what is really going on rather than what is going in our mouths the more likely we are to enjoy a healthier and more active lifestyle the result of which is a stable weight.

 

[Redpam]

Mandana
I know just how you are feeling at the moment. My problem lies not just in me but with that man I am married to. I am sure I will never be slim if I stay married to him.

At least you do not have that problem.

Pam

 

[Mandana]

No Pam, I couldn't want for a better husband (don't tell him that though, he'll get a big head!), but I can imagine what it's like being in your shoes as I lived with someone who treated his wife just like yours treats you - and worse. My Dad

I'm sorry you're going through what you are, and hope you resolve things one way or the other.

Only you can decide what is best for you and your children. Hope things go well at the solicitors today

Mandana x

 

[Redpam]

Thanks Mandana

I am going to see the Solicitor Monday afternoon. At the moment H is being all nicey nicey and then asking me what is wrong. Grrrr!

Pam x

 

[KittyB]

((Mandana))

Hope you're feeling a bit better and not beating yourself up so much.
I've still working my way through the link you posted in my thread, you're a inspiration hun.

Thinking about you,

Kitty x