I know I'm a newbie, but anyone online to help? personel?

[big bear]

I guess she doesn't work then, what she spending the money on?

 

[rowanx2]

I think as a family you need some help, maybe your doctor can even help and you could go for family councelling with her? Do you think she would be up for that?
You could make it a condition of her living at home.
Is she mixing with bad people?

Sounds like she needs some positive focus in her life - earn her own money for one. I wouldnt like to think she's 'bad' but rather she needs 'something' to set her on a good life path.
At her age I had my own mortgage, bills, pets a job but it was easier then to get these things than it is today... has she tried looking for work?
I think whatever you decide you need a neutral person to help you all get put right. xxxxx

 

[mastiffmum]

No she doesn't work, she has no motivation to work either. She has been spending the money on crappy food, energy drinks, alcohol and cigarettes. I really don't think therapy would work as we tried this for a long time. She's with her girlfriend at the moment and posting comments on face book about the great time she's having with her, even though she knows that I have found her out. She's so unbelievably selfish, especially as she knows the financial situation we are in at the moment.

I worked in a psychiatric hospital for adolescents for 4 years and am fully aware of the problems teenagers have and the feeling that they go through, but I honestly believe it all comes down to being selfish and not caring about the consequences of her actions

 

[rowanx2]

If she has somewhere else to stay for now I would maybe call her bluff and tell her not to come home untill your list of demands are fulfilled... maybe she thinks youre a push over, shock her!
I dont know what else to suggest... I hope that I could always stand by my daughter no matter what but I appreciate how hard it is when youre getting no where.
Make sure she can never ever again use your card. Maybe it is time for ehr to make her own way in the world, maybe you could help her get a flat or something. She might start to appreciate you then ((hugs )) xxx

 

[mastiffmum]

Thank you for your understanding and advice, but....... she went it alone for a while and then she was ill and I had a mercy dash 200 miles away to pick her up. In hindsight I think she owed her flatmates a lot of mone as it was a very sneaky departure from her shared house. She has lied and thieved from us for so many years I really don't know what to do anymore. My daughter has a very rebellious nature and always has to do something 'different' to draw attention to herself, even down to the horrible tattoos she has. She has never been able to hold down a job for very long as she thinks she is beyond being told what to do. My heart is breaking, I love my daughter, but I cannot take the hurt anymore and cannot let her get away with treating us like this

 

[gl12282]

You poor thing.

I think you're right to consider going to the police although I don't yet have an opinion on whether that is the right thing to do. It would be a very difficult thing to do though. I definitely think that you need to change the passwords on absolutely everything that you can think of. There's no point in making life easy for her.

Obviously the most pressing thing at the moment is whether she is safe. If you know that she is, that will at least take one worry away. Can you talk to her ?

I think at the end of the day, if you decide to call the police I think that she will have to face up to the responsibility of what she has done. My feeling is that if she has learnt her lesson and wouldn't do it again, I wouldn't, but if she hasn't and would (or does) then it is probably the right thing to do. However I don't have children so I don't know for certain that's what I would do in your position.

I really feel for you, particularly as you have your own worries (financial as well as others) to deal with.

Big hugs.

Gail x

 

[big bear]

Does her girlfriend work, have her own place?Will she stay there?

I'm really not sure wot to suggest, sending u hugs xx

 

[ColJack]

my earlier "advice" may have been a little rash then..
let her stay at the friends house and change the locks.
don't let her back in until she's apologised and at least made an attempt at paying some of it back..
I don't want to add to your worry, but are your sure it's just fags, booze and junk food she's spending it on?

 

[silly sausage]

I don't think going to the police for her taking from your account is a good idea.

They will ask how she knew your pin numbers. Ultimately, it is your responsibility to ensure that nobody knows your pin numbers. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Also, if she was convicted of anything, she would be on a slippery slope. Who would ever employ her?

 

[mastiffmum]

I think she smokes the odd joint, which obviously I'm not happy about but also know it's par for the course, so to speak. I know she's not on anything heavier as I have unfortunately been around people (including family members) that are on harder drugs and know the signs.

I have had a thousand and one sorries for all the things she has done over the years and honestly think that she believes that when she says that, it makes everything alright.

I really don't think she has a any regret for any of the things she has done previously. To make matters worse, my mums engagement ring has gone missing and I really think she has stolen it.

And thank you for your hugs, I really need them right now x x x x

 

[-Tally-]

I personally would probably report it to the police. I wouldn't if it was the first time but given that she has a history of taking from you, she obviously has no respect and isn't feeling the consequences of her actions.

If she's done it before and got away with it then she obviously sees you as a soft touch, knowing you'll just shout a bit and in time things will go back to normal. When people enable folk to get away with stuff and don't let them feel the consequences of their actions then they have no reason to behave.

She's an adult now isn't she? I would ask the police to caution her but prolly not to prosecute. It may harm her job prospects but she should have thought about that before stealing, she is responsible for her own actions.

 

[gl12282]

I share sausage's concerns about her future prospects if the police are involved but I am concerned that she has continued to do this for some time. It is quite deliberate what she's doing and over a prolonged period of time. It may be reasonable to leave it if it might stop but from what you say, it isn't going to and therefore I wonder whether it is time to go to the police ?

Are you sure she's not on anything more drugs wise ? Why does she need to steal quite so much ?

More hugs.

Gail x

 

[Starlight]

They will ask how she knew your pin numbers. Ultimately, it is your responsibility to ensure that nobody knows your pin numbers. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

If someone looks over your shoulder or sees your pin number when youre using the machine thats not necessarily your fault. The pin number being discovered under those circumstances WOULD be classed as a crime and it could be reported.

If the pin number was given to her or written down etc thats a different matter.

 

[Starlight]

I share sausage's concerns about her future prospects if the police are involved

If she carries on the way she is then Id be concerned about her future prospects if the police ARENT involved. Maybe a short sharp shock at this stage might be more beneficial than the slippery slope she could be taking.

She's an adult now isn't she? I would ask the police to caution her but prolly not to prosecute.

Thats why any decision has to be carefully considered. If charges are pressed then its down to the police to decide what happens, you cant report a crime and say how you want it dealt with.

It might be worth popping into your local police office and speaking to an officer for advice, about what would happen, the implications and ramifications for her before you take that step. If you go into the office for advice it means keeping it away from your home if you choose not to report it.

 

[mastiffmum]

No she is definitely not on heavy drugs, I would know if she was. The problem with my daughter is that she wants everything but does not want to work for it. The classic example is whe my dad showed her the plans for the bungalow he is renovating, her first comment was ' OMG am I really going to inherit all of this', also when I tols her I was going to change my will so her and my step son got equal inheritance, she was mortified! she thought she should get more than him because she is my daughter. When ever she has has a rollocking from a manager wherever she has worked, her opinion is 'who the f********ll do they think they are telling me what to do?
So you see, the attitude is all wrong

 

[eilidhsmummy]

I was a bit of nightmare when younger, took money from my mum's purse but never the bank!

I worked from the age of 16 bed frittered my wages away got myself into financial trouble parents went mental didn't understand why i did it!

That is nothing to what your daughter is doing to you and your husband! She is blatantly taking the piss, it calls for tough love! If she doesn't want to come home pack her bags don't let her get you down! My dad did this to me when he met somebody after my mum died! Truthfully hard thing to face but the best thing he could have done! He was fed up of my room being a mess! Bit drastic but what was needed!

Give her 2 days or it goes into a shed, you can not trust to have her in your house, you wouldn't allow a stranger to do it, so don't let her!

On the police note, its difficult you can ask them to caution her, but they can decide to take it further so it really is something to talk over with your husband? Nobody can really say yes or no except you x

You may find your relationship will get better with her out the house!

But be prepared incase it turns sour

Good luck

Laura x

 

[mastiffmum]

Thanks Laura,
I know also I was no angel when I was younger, but I never done anything so extreme. Every time she has taken money from my account, it was pure pre-meditated theft and deceit. I have given her b******ing after b******ing, but to no avail. I have ranted and raved, cried and explained how I feel, gone to counselling and wrote very heartfelt letters, but she still continues to hurt me. I feel that I have now come to the end of the line after many years of this heartache. I cannot honestly take anymore. I am already on anti-anxiety medication due to an operation that almost left me dead (long long story) and really cannot cope with her behaviour anymore. I know that if I go to the police it could ruin her future career plans (if she has any) but also feel that at almost 19 years old, she is an adult and knows full well what is right from wrong and knows what she is doing. I am not even angry anymore, just hurt and broken

 

[eilidhsmummy]

I would say for your health and sanity cut ties! I know it is easy for an outsider to say...

Change locks and put her out!

You have tried everything else, don't let her put you into an early grave!

If her girlfriend happy to have her then let her!

You know that she is safe that is the most important thing! But you have to stay strong and don't back down on it! What ever you decide you must stick to or she will keep going!

 

[Maybride2011]

Hello

I'm new but this thread popped up and I thought I would just say I really feel for you. It sounds like you've had enough going on let alone dealing with your daughter who seems to cause upset to you at every given oppertunity. I would go to the poilce I'm a mum of a little lun but if this was my child I would go straight to the poilce, the reason being (and I don't mean to make it worse) I couldn't deal with letting my child keep doing it to find out a few days, weeks months or years they had been arrested for doing the same thing to somone else when I could have prevented it. I know people that have had everything stolen an where I'm sure your daugther isn't at this level a theif is a theif and if they want/need money they will do anything. Your daughter is 19 she's an adult and has to learn about concequence. I would have expected my parents to do the same with me had I of acted that way. I'm sure everyone has had a time when theve been decietful or had a crazy 5mins and done something they should but I think this is a bit more than a one off. Regardless of what you do I hope you find the best option for you as it really sounds like u need a break! And remember it isn't your fault I think you've tried more than enough by the sound of it! Big hugs xx

 

[fillymum]

Well, here goes......my daughter has taken my debit card on several occasions and withdrawn money from mine & my husbands account, she has also taken it to the supermarket and bought goods and got cash back. I'm talking a few hundred pounds in the last two months. Me & hubby were made redundant on the same day, a few months ago, he is now working, but I'm not and things are VERY tight and she is aware of that. She has always been rebelious and caused me no end of grief in the last five years and I am now at the end of my tether. She is visiting her girlfriend 200 miles away at the moment and was supposed to come home on sunday but has not appeared because she knows I have found out what she has been up to. Do I call the police? I feel that I have no other choice as we don't know where the money is coming from to pay our mortgage this month. She has constantly lied and stolen from us for years but I have now had enough, she is ole enough to know better as she is almost 19.

I think you are aware of what you must do ultimately and are just prolonging what should be done.
It sounds to me as if her stealing is more than just theft. It sounds like a compulsion, an addiction.
You say she has had counseling?

She got my pin number by watching me in the supermarket on many occasions.......I have now changed passwords online for various things, including ebay and paypal and I do not trust her to go on a spending spree now she knows that I know what she has been up to. The worst things are that she paid for my husbands birthday pressie on our joint card and she also withdrew money on our account when we were having a 'mother and daughter' shopping trip in town, she was supposedly having a ciggie outside but was actually taking money out of our account. She had taken the card out of my purse in the morning and I thought I had left it at home

She obviously has absolutely no conscience at all. Once again, I think you know what you have to do.
You have been dealing with this for long enough to know that no threats and no soft shoe approach is going to work.

She has absolutely nothing I can sell. How can I have her living back here when I will never trust her? We have had locks on our bedroon door and larder for almost 6 years due to her thieving

You can not have her living with you. Why should you live in a fortress when she obviously does not care 2 jots about what you do to stop her stealing from you and worse than thay betraying your love for her. She is throwing it in your face.

In that case you COULD have her charged but dont do anything like that til youre sure its a road you want to go down, once youve reported it then thats it, the matter is pretty much out your hands.

Starlight, you are right about considering all the consequences of the outcome of charging her, but surely by now there is no other option either for themselves or for her. Or in fact for the protection of the next people she is going to steal from if the easy access to her parents money is cut off from her.

we had 18 months of therapy when she was 13/14! nothing has changed. She's a very self centered, selfish person, I hate to say this about my own daughter, but it's true

You really have tried haven't you ? My heart goes out to you.

My heart is breaking, I love my daughter, but I cannot take the hurt anymore and cannot let her get away with treating us like this

You have to do the right thing long term. For her and for yourselves. You owe it to yourselves.

I don't want to add to your worry, but are your sure it's just fags, booze and junk food she's spending it on?

That was one of my thoughts Jack.

I think she smokes the odd joint, which obviously I'm not happy about but also know it's par for the course, so to speak. I know she's not on anything heavier as I have unfortunately been around people (including family members) that are on harder drugs and know the signs.

I have had a thousand and one sorries for all the things she has done over the years and honestly think that she believes that when she says that, it makes everything alright.

I really don't think she has a any regret for any of the things she has done previously. To make matters worse, my mums engagement ring has gone missing and I really think she has stolen it.

And thank you for your hugs, I really need them right now x x x x

The engagement ring incident would be the final straw for me.


I think you have been incredibly patient and forgiving for far to many years.

If your daughter does not have some treatable medical condition that is causing her extreme behaviour i.e. a chemical imbalance I honestly think that you have to report her to the police. You appear to have tried everything in your power to help her, you have supported her, protected her and still love her. She counts on the fact you will not report her.
You have to protect her from herself because as I said earlier if you are out of the picture she has to find new victims and they will not take this like you have because remember it is only your love as parents that has allowed it to get this far. They will quite rightly see her for what she is. A thief and a liar and a heartless one at that. She is on a slippery slope to some really serious crime if she is not stopped.

Sorry to come across so harshly. I will probably get panned for my advice to you. But the way I see it is that you have done everything in your power to help your daughter and nothing has worked. You now only have the final option left.

Your eloquence in presenting the facts shows that you are an intelligent and very caring and loving parent.

Speak to you local police see what they advice.

I send you my heartfelt sympathy you are in an unenviable position.

hugs xxxxxx