I'm A Prisoner....

[MissUno]

..Or so it feels like.

I've mentioned in another thread that I previously lost a lot of weight, determined it was going to stay off, I raided the wardrobe and threw out or donated all my "big" clothes.

Trouble is I have a long history of depression and self harm, I also used to abuse alcohol as well as food to try and shut up the demons that haunt me. When I lost all the weight I looked back at pictures of my former self and declared her dead. If only I'd known she was just sleeping.

I took up some college classes and subsequently just stopped going, I isolated myself again, found myself hating myself more and more as each day went by and then the eating too much started all over again. I also stopped working out, I just felt too sad and too tired all the time, my mental state was exhausting me (still is a lot of the time) draining my energy. So I got trapped in an eating/sleeping pattern. As the weight came back on I withdrew even more and eventually found myself never leaving the house. Then it all came to a head in June last year, I attempted to take my own life, I failed obviously and so-called friends rallied around me. But, soon they were gone when they realised the "we're there for you" promises would have to actually be put into action. I found myself alone and in a fragile state, that's when the weight gain really took hold. I now am limited to what clothes I can wear, as much of my wardrobe no longer fits and what does I feel and look awful in, back to square one weight-wise. So even though I'm now on Slimming World, I still find going out a huge source of anxiety, find something to wear, what will people think of me when they see me, what if I bump into someone who has not seen me since before the weight came back on, I'll seem a failure.

So even now I feel like a prisoner, trapped inside this bigger body of my own making, that I now need to shrink again. Trapped inside my own head, and some days trapped inside my own home as I just simply can not face going out.

I don't quite know why I'm typing all this out, I'm not expecting it to be read or replied to, I guess I'm spilling out of more than just my clothes now, I'm spilling out all my feelings, too. :sigh:

 

[Debridger]

you've been through a tough time, but you've taken a step to make a diiference, you took that same step previously and succeeded, you didn't fail, and you haven't now, you've just gone back round the roundabout, and parked up for a while.

Now that you've switched on the satnav, you'll get to your destination, you'll get caught in a few traffic jams - we all do, you'll get stopped at a few red lights, and go the wrong way at a few junctions, but you'll get there - honest.
You need to do what's right for you - and there are times you need to be selfish, and sod anyone elses opinions, 'cos at the end of the day, you're the one that counts.

It's one day at a time, it won't be overnight, but it can make a difference.

Hang in there
Deb x

ps - yes, your thoughts and words were read

 

[Lynn_]

Have you read this thread MissUno?
http://www.minimins.com/bring-your-...follow/145230-changing-habits-using-fred.html

Im sure with your history you have received some medical help and I hope that you are seeing a doctor or someone to try to sort out whats going on as you really need that kind of support, but ultimately you have to deal with the issues yourself and make aplan to drag yourself out of that place you are in.

Each day is a new day, and a new start. Read about Fred, introduce yourself to your own Fred and make a plan. This is your one chance at a happy life and you can get there, you just need to be determined. I was facing a similar place not so long ago with depression and panic attacks. I went on antidepresants for a while which really helped a lot but where a complete hell to come off of, but they did their job at the time.

Also, ive come to understand that despite the fact ive lost the weight, im not a thin person. I will always be a fat person, and its a constant battle to keep that fat person under control. Losing the weight is not the end of the battle, really its just the beginning.

Keeping a diary is a great way of helping yourelf. I have 2 in fact, one here which is public and another on a another website (blog.com) which is private and locked so that only I can read it and thats where i really let rip with my feelings. I re read it every now and then and can see how my feelings and thoughts have changed over the past year, its been a cathartic experience, and had really helped me get my head in the right place now.

You need support and this is a good place to get it, everyone here faces the same problems and has the same fears, and although you might get some people railing against your ideas (which has happened to me on my diary here), its only because they have the same fears that they are finding hard to face up to. Writing it down really helps, and even if you dont get any repies, dont think that people are not reading, they are. As i write this page has had 54 views, so we are listening.

I wish you well, I truly do. I wish there was a magic wand to wave to make all your worries and fears dissapear, but life isnt like that sadly. But you can do so much to help yourself, open up and let it out, it will really help.

 

[lasttime]

MissUno,
firstly i can seriously relate to how your feeling, and i know when we feel this way we often stubbornly without realising it cut off our nose to spite our face, i think once a few pounds come off you may feel motivated and start to fel a little better as you will be in control? you will be at least controling one aspect of your life, and you WILL feel better about yourself even if its 1%, but that 1% is for the better.... so you are a step close and a little less pressured, and you if like me may go backwards and forwards in your head with your emotions, one minute feeling positive the net feeling like your no better....but keep control of one aspect as the achievements in that will help you move forward...you have the survival instinct inside you because you are here on this site telling us and wanting us to help which we will....we are all here so when your down tell us!!!! we will talk and pick you up.....you are now sat in a huge room full of friends all who at some stage have felt some or even all of what your thinking....and a lot of friends to help you through makes strong army to fight this.... i think its easier talking to strangers than those who really know or think they know you, you can be totally honest, you have no emotional attachment and so can talk freely....the internet is my friend when im really low, infact i prefer my internet friend to friends who constantly let you down and p**s you off, i dont know if you have sat there ever and thought, these are not what i call real friends? i have with mine.....but you know what....on here you can try each variety of friend and each one will teach and help you in some way....and you will never run out of friends to help here
be strong, fight this demon that makes you down....fight that urge to get into bed, argue with yourself about not climbing in and pulling the duvet over to shut the world out, if you do just one thing whilst on this journey, let it be that you talk to people instead of hiding way, you will find that there are people feeling eactly the same as you and some maybe worse, but what you gotta remember is this....you have enough strength to do this because your here!!!!!!!

x
your new friend

 

[slendablenda]

Hello MissUno
Lots of people will have read your post, even if they don't reply.
Thank trusting us enough to tell us how you feel.
Everyone's experience is different, but we do all have some things in common on Minimins. The main one is that we have used food/drink to help us cope in life. We have buried our emotions underneath it.
Each of us hopefully finds the way to weight loss which suits us and will help us deal with those demons. For me it was Lighterlife
that was my saviour because of the psychological support.
It helped me to help myself.
I hope SW will be the one for you. Hopefully you are getting the psychology from somewhere else.
Good luck.

 

[MissUno]

Thank you for the kind and encouraging words, being back at square one with all the hurdles still ahead is daunting and is a source of anxiety. But you're all right, I've taken the first step. I think stumbling across this forum was a God send, as I have sat lurking around and read old posts and thought "that's so true" "can't believe it, that's how I feel as well" etc etc. I have a so-called friend, who for my own mental well being am trying to avoid right now. Who has had a history of abusing drugs and drink, and thinks that sorting out a food issue is just as easy as it was for her to stop doing recreational drugs. I had to remind her that we need food to live, it's not like for example smoking or doing speed. If you have an issue with food, it's still there, every day challenging you to try and be in control. You don't have to take drugs to live, you can easily avoid being around them if you choose to, so I found her words so unsupportive and she's been confrontational about so much, I let it carry on for a while because I felt she was the only mate I had, but I now realise I need quality friends. People who don't argue with you at every point, not friends who will turn on you when you are finding it hard to be all sunshine.

You're all right, we each have it within us to win the battle, although it can be extremely difficult. I'm just trying to say to myself that in spite of the awful ways I've been treated in life, some of which I shan't go into. The best way to avenge myself will be to succeed. It will be the big Foxtrot Oscar to all those people who contributed to dragging me down this low.

Thank you so much for your replies, and I so look forward to getting to know the people on minimins. I also hope that I can also be of some help to somebody one day, as right now, even when I do provide some words of advice for any matter of things, I feel a bit of a fraud and useless/worthless as a contributing human being.

 

[lasttime]

Hey welldone!
Your finding positives now out of your new FRIENDS, nobody here will put you down for we are all here because one way or another we are a group of people all suffering the same issues to different degrees and i guarantee you however bad your feeling, keep scrolling through and you will find somebody who feels much worse but is still finding the courage to win her battle through the help of this site, you are a winner, seriously, the losers just roll over and dont seek out help....the first step to winning your battles is to want and seek help,, you want and have saught help....
im not saying not to goto your doctor at all, thats a different issue, but for the non medicinal side of your problems you have a whole team of eperts here sat waiting to help you,
i want to tell you i too have had it sooooooo hard, but i am a winner, through all the things i have gone through i have ensured my survival instinct came out, and i have won, i have never taken drugs although tried cannabis in my younger years a couple of times but drink i did do a lot over the years, i was not an alcoholic as i could go without it, my problem with drink is i cannot stop at one lager or one vodka, so i just dont even go near drink ever, im a non drinker, and often so called friends try to call me boring, and i allow them to think that, i sit and watch them get wrecked and make a fool of themselves, infact i have just stopped communicating with a friend of mine, she had marriage problems and i was so there for her believing all she told me about her hsuband drinking and taking drugs (they have kids too!) then i started to notice that everytime she came to my house she smelt of alcohol, she would have a bottle of cider in her bag, and she would ask for alcohol if my nieces boyfriend had left any here which he had at new year, he had left 4 cans in my fridge, which did not bother me as they were there for when they came round to visit if he wanted them, but one night my friend turned up at 9.30 wrecked, and i have to say my god she was so annoying!!! i was trying to talk to my grandsons on skype who are 3 and 1 and she kept making a complete fool of herself shouting into my laptop stupid things, she saw my son smoking and shouted into my laptop hey is that a joint give some to me and thought she was so funny.....i just looked at her and thought.....what a total disgrace she is, her poor kids, and since then i have just ignored her calls. you see my survival instinct told me to stay away from people who will lower my self respect.
i am a great mum to my two young sons (5 and 7) i am a single mum and i really do respect myself enough to not want people like that in my life, i know beyond doubt writing this people will be thinking whats this got to do with the thread.....
its about following that instinct inside you.....the survival one that will not allow you to MAKE DO, you do not have to make do with the friens you have, get rid of the ones that drain your energy....i truly believe your going to flower now.....you know what you need to do.....its small steps forward, and no matter how small a step it is.....the tiniest of steps forward are all positives...dont look back girl im here for ya!
i dont know you and you dont know me but i believe in morals and self respect and i can see you do too....your gonna make it because your sat in this gigantic room full of friends.....they dont have to know you to support you, they are all eperts in emotions and surviving or they wouldnt be here.
right i must tell you something about a recipe i just made, im hoping its all green day...i just had it for lunch and oh my god it was amazing...i took photos of it and sent them to my sister whos a nurse and on days today to show her what id made as she is doing this diet too and we are kinda doing it together even though we live 100 miles apart....here we go ...
i sprayed fry light into my frying pan...then i had:
1/2 pack of tesco root vegies for mashing (pre-prepared dice carrots,potatoes,swede)
1 onion chopped
1 tin tesco value chopped tomatoes
1/2 pack quorn mince
1/2 carton tesco passata (sieved tomatoes)
1 bovril stock cube
2 tsp mild chilli powder

tesco brown basmati rice
chucked the whole lot in the frying pan and cooked for half hour apart from the rice which i cooked seperately

kept adding water to the chilli until the veggies where soft as they reduce whilst cooking ....

served up with a huge dollop or tesco light choices fromage fraise

and let me tell you omg!!!!!!! it was totally amazing truly...the rest is in the fridge so i dont have to cook tomorrow and can get on with my other things whilst kids are at school.....it really had the wow factor...
the rice i cooked in my rice cooker as my rice never goes right if i do it in the pan.....incidently my rice cooker was £10 from argos its cookworks one and makes perfect rice!

i think that chilli and rice may well have been all free... i looked it all up and cannot find anything that says there where any naughties in it at all! the fromage frais was the fat free one too and is free.....

my gosh dont i waffle!
thats the beauty of friends on here haha.... i can just waffle all day long and i wont be judged.....maybe blocked though lol

good luck chick im here for ya x

 

[MissUno]

That recipe sounds delicious, I shall have to try making it. I'm not the best cook in the world, so the learning to make tasty home-made meals is another little challenge for me. I also seem to find my meals more satisfying now, because I know I put the effort into making it, rather than just picking up a phone or opening a box and chucking it in the oven/microwave.


You are right to avoid your friend who gets drunk and behaves so inappropriately in front of young children. She may well have her own demons she's dealing with. I know when I used to drink too much while out and about, I would often do or say something that I wouldn't be proud of when sober. I've decided as well that alcohol just isn't worth the extra hassle.

I've only been on this forum a couple of days, but I feel settled in already, people are warm and welcoming and there are no judgements that I face from other people. I think when a bit more time has gone by, when a bit more weight has come off, I'll hopefully be feeling more comfortable when outside the house. I want to go back to college and retrain for a job I will actually enjoy. Not having a job or college to keep the brain ticking over is frustrating.

I really can not wait for the day to come when I can truly hold my head high and say "hey, look at me now!" x

 

[lasttime]

Good girl!
your weight will be your starting point if your like me.....when my body looks ok i feel good about myself and dress nicely, right now at 5ft 8 inches and 2005lbs 14 and half stone and size 16/18 i feel awful, im so scared that if i go into the town i will see people who havnt seen me in a while and they will be so shocked at this fatty demon that has taken over my body.....
having said that i am starting to feel good as this diet/lifestyle slimming world thingy is working and 5lb down now...and im not hungry im stuffed full of yummy food, that chilli was so amazing and sooo filling! i feel completely like i am not dieting and i am eating enough to satisfy my humongous appetite....believe me i can eat sooo much food i amaze myself and others! im the girl that doesnt eat the whole tub of pringles i eat the whole crate of 12 tubes lol seriously i can eat 6 bags of crisps before dinner!!!
i dont think i comfort eat i boredom eat as i got into a cycle....dont go out because too fat, so stay in and eat...then get fatter...the way to go is lose this blubber that wobbles in the opposite direction to which im going and get gorgeous again.....i look at photos taken 10 years ago and i think...why did i not see how lovely i looked!!! i looked amazing and now i look like an old fat granny, im 39 by the way!
so its time to change and get things in order and i am happy to be your slimming world buddy! we can do this together, we all can!!! i shall take a look at your food diary each day (be honest lol) and i will be honest too.....mine is on my thread too....lets get this party started girl.....im going to goto college too when im more confident...with my weight....WE ARE GOING TO DO THIS!!!! we may have a little slip up but aslong as we get right back to it we will do it! x

 

[MissUno]

You're darn right...we can do it. The alternative is not an option any more.

I'm enjoying the starting to make things myself, never really done much cooking and the past couple of weeks, I do loads. As for tonight, I've chopped up lots of salad stuff, sliced and seasoned some potatoes, I've even dared to experiment and made a salad dressing from scratch.

We will get gorgeous, we will get to do our colleges courses and any of the people who've tried to bring us down so far we wouldn't ever get back up, well they'll be eating something too.....humble pie for starters!

 

[lasttime]

girl power you go girl!
Hey can i have two shredded wheat for my he b's lol??? need to use up my b's and my milk lol

 

[vanda]

Just wanted to say hi and offer some support.

I'm not able to offer much useful help at the mo, due to my own depression. I'm on anti-depressants and have been referred for counselling so am hoping that will help. I can well understand how hard it is to motivate yourself to do anything when that dark cloud is there and it is so much easier to just stay at home and hide. I've started writing a journal and am including at least one thing a day that I am grateful for, that helps to focus on the positive even if it is just for a short while.

People on this forum are supprotive and caring. All of us are or used to struggle with food issues and many of us have at some time experienced depression so you are not alone.

Well done on the starting to cook and I think its fab that you have the goal to go to college, something really positive to aim for. I also think its great that you are sounding more cheerful in your last post. So well done you. xx

 

[MissUno]

Thank you Vanda *hug* Really do hope that the counselling goes well and that combined with the medication gets you out the other side of the dark tunnel.

I've been feeling like a lost cause cos of the length of time I've been getting one form of counselling or another, and different medications I've been put on. But I decided that this year is make or break, this year things either start to get better or I'm just going to be stuck like this until I expire.

@ lasttime I think you can have the shredded wheat, I think you can have one with like a Rivita as a B choice. Otherwise apparently they are 3.5 syns each...Don't quote me on it as I'm a SW newbie best check Lifeline Online.

 

[lasttime]

ooops too late lol....well i ate two....and you know what....they were bloody lovely!!!
and hey girl i will still lose weight, whats one shredded wheat between fat cells huh!
we are going to do this....and for the record....im on anti depressants too, i take alventa (venlaflaine) and they are amazing yet i find if i take half the dose it works better than increasing.....crazy huh! but i feel good and i know your going to too...im here all the time...my laptop is permanently on...just call me your little computer friend hiding in your laptop

 

[MissUno]

Yeah Shredded Wheat does the body good, and it's tasty noms. I'm going to see my GP about changing my anti-depressants. The ones I'm on now cause weight gain and increased appetite

Preferably I want one that decreases appetite ha! Not venlafaxine again though, I had the embarrassing side effect of hyper-hydrosis when I was on that, get GP to look at my medical records and try me on one I've not been put on yet eh.

My laptop seems to be on 24/7 as well, so can always hit me up if one should want to

 

[lasttime]

hyper what? whats that?....i had high bp on effexor, so they gave me alventa and seems to be fine,i dont feel depressed, but have a short temper which makes me snap at people sometimes,
infact im soooooooooooo snappy right now, but then it is 7.21am monday morning and i ran out my anti d's on friday..what do i expect lol
Well just gonna get up and as usual i know your not meant to but im gonna weigh myself on the wii lol
i do it everymorning as its a good indicator for me on if im doing this thing right! gsin=screwed up same or loss=doing fine!ggood thing about the wii is it tells you even the most tiniest bmi change...
no idea about brekkie yet but gotta get kids to school first etc....back soon x

 

[vanda]

So many people who have a weight problem also have depression to some degree. I know there have been times when I have been 'fat & happy' unfortunately this is not one of them.

Hopefully 2011 will be our year, there will be light at the end of the tunnel. If I squint I think I can even see a small glimmer xx

 

[MissUno]

It's a what came first the chicken of the egg type thing sometimes.

Hyper-hydrosis is the medical term for sweating too much, it used to make me have a wet face a lot, which was embarrassing and caused me to be more anxious. So, was moved on to these Mirtazapine ones, which also act as a mild sedative supposedly to help me sleep better (they don't). However, with the weight gain as a documented side effect and I too seem to be short tempered. I don't think these ones are appropriate either, going to make a GP appointment sometime in the next few days to discuss my options.

 

[lasttime]

omg...i was given the mirtazapine 8 months ago....lets just say if they hadnt got me off them in the week i took them i wouldnt be here, the one and only time i ever thought about taking my life, they sent me nuts in just days, very quickly was taken off them and told i could never ever have them again, now im on alventa, which is the same as effexor only slow release and i dont sweat now....yes i had the sweating thing also on effexor, but the alventa slow release suit me brilliantly...have you tried them???
hey i have good news too.......i got up the courage and went to slimming world tonight, my niece babysat, it was quite lonely at first i sat alone and new nobody, but then people started talking to me, and when i left a girl stopped and gave me a lift home as she had asked where i live in class.....so now i have the books to do this too, the lady who runs it anna recomended i do easy days instead of green, and i spoke to some of the women there who all said extra easy is much better, easier, and you lose more weight!!! the woman who runs is was 31 stone and is now about 10 i think, she looks amazing!
so im going to try ee days now and see how i go....
how has your day been? are you feeling better? sorry i wasnt around earlier i was at the slimming session x

 

[MissUno]

I'll see about the medication, need to be careful also.

Well done on going to group and signing up, I do EE/G days as it's more suited to the types of food I can eat being a vegetarian.
Glad you are settling into the group quickly, will make it less daunting to go to WI's when people are all friendly.
The people at my group seem nice, couple of funny characters, too which makes the group fun.

Today, I've been mostly in bed, just felt really tired the past couple of days. I am blaming it on my hormones though haha. How has your day been? You must be feeling nice and positive at the moment?

Right now I'm sat obsessing about being slim, fantasising about all the cosmetic surgery I want done and wondering how much pain I'd be in after the procedures. Can't afford any surgery any way so that is just a pipe-dream.

Looking forward to my mother arriving home a] because I'm feeling all bored and lonely and b] she's got me some fat free natural yoghurt and I'm fancying a bit of it.