annaphylactic
Guess who's back...?
Right then, by the looks of it I am not the only one that has gone a bit awol in the last few days, but I thought I would/should explain why, as unfortunately it was nothing to do with 'being sooo busy in the lead up to christmas' etc....
I had another crap week.
In fact, I can safely say I have just had the worst week of all. I ate pretty much every day - sometimes to the point of not having any foodpacks. I started obsessing about my body and took the challenge not to eat (apart from the odd nibble) and not have packs, so I would feel empty again. I knew that this behaviour was erratic and that is was doing nothing for me because:
a) I wasn't getting my nutrients and was therefore putting my body/health into a bad state... and
b) I was still eating tiny bits of the wrong food so although I was not technically 'bingeing' most of the time, I still wouldn't have been in ketosis and it was all worthless... but I carried on anyway.
Since lapsing I have felt HUGE. In fact, I have been more repulsed by my body than ever - even pre-LL... and I have found myself getting really really low and preoccupied thinking about how fat I am, how I am a hopeless case, have learned nothing etc etc. All I wanted to do was eat - there and then - and I would grab food from the nearest source... supermarket, take away, shop etc because I felt like there was no point carrying on - I'd already sabotaged myself. Not very clever really.
It is really tough to get down the right words about how I have been feeling - it's been one crooked thought after another and the first time I have really noticed how powerful and dangerous my mind is and how it has the control over me.
At one point all I wanted was to get the food out of me... I considered purging, then laxatives, then sat back and took stock (luckily!) and realised that I was going to end up in a really unhealthy spiral and I had to stop and not let it get that bad.
My poor OH has had to deal with me talking about stuff too... I try not to, but I can't help it - all of a sudden I am paranoid about my fat rolls on my belly, the way my skin folds in my waist when I bend over etc... the kinds of things I would never have worried about before...
He said he didn't want to hear about it - he would support me, but I was being irrational and I had to stop thinking the way I was and get myself back on track. He gave me a book by Marya Romsbach (??) that is a memoir about her life with various eating disorders - about her dealing with her addiction to starvation. Really shocked me that he gave it to me.
ANYWAY - I am not that bad yet - I just saw something in myself that really shocked me and so I went to see my counsellor today and told her everything about lapsing, avoiding foodpacks, feeling disgusting and fat, obsessing over tiny things etc etc and she really set my mind at rest. I'm now focused on the next seven days and determined to get back on track. I really want to make it to goal, and do route to management and learn things properly... this whole episode has really confirmed that I really have no clue how to treat food, how to react to it - and to identify hunger and emotion/crooked thinking.
A very enlightening period really.... doesn't help that it is the TOTM and I'm all over the shop
Luckily - extremely luckily - she weighed me and i've STS, so that's something... VERY glad I didn't lose again after the lapses or I'd be able to talk myself into doing it again...
Sorry for going on again- just wanted to explain... this is one hell of an up and down journey - I've had my worst downs and here's hoping I am due an 'up' now
Anna xx
I had another crap week.
In fact, I can safely say I have just had the worst week of all. I ate pretty much every day - sometimes to the point of not having any foodpacks. I started obsessing about my body and took the challenge not to eat (apart from the odd nibble) and not have packs, so I would feel empty again. I knew that this behaviour was erratic and that is was doing nothing for me because:
a) I wasn't getting my nutrients and was therefore putting my body/health into a bad state... and
b) I was still eating tiny bits of the wrong food so although I was not technically 'bingeing' most of the time, I still wouldn't have been in ketosis and it was all worthless... but I carried on anyway.
Since lapsing I have felt HUGE. In fact, I have been more repulsed by my body than ever - even pre-LL... and I have found myself getting really really low and preoccupied thinking about how fat I am, how I am a hopeless case, have learned nothing etc etc. All I wanted to do was eat - there and then - and I would grab food from the nearest source... supermarket, take away, shop etc because I felt like there was no point carrying on - I'd already sabotaged myself. Not very clever really.
It is really tough to get down the right words about how I have been feeling - it's been one crooked thought after another and the first time I have really noticed how powerful and dangerous my mind is and how it has the control over me.
At one point all I wanted was to get the food out of me... I considered purging, then laxatives, then sat back and took stock (luckily!) and realised that I was going to end up in a really unhealthy spiral and I had to stop and not let it get that bad.
My poor OH has had to deal with me talking about stuff too... I try not to, but I can't help it - all of a sudden I am paranoid about my fat rolls on my belly, the way my skin folds in my waist when I bend over etc... the kinds of things I would never have worried about before...
He said he didn't want to hear about it - he would support me, but I was being irrational and I had to stop thinking the way I was and get myself back on track. He gave me a book by Marya Romsbach (??) that is a memoir about her life with various eating disorders - about her dealing with her addiction to starvation. Really shocked me that he gave it to me.
ANYWAY - I am not that bad yet - I just saw something in myself that really shocked me and so I went to see my counsellor today and told her everything about lapsing, avoiding foodpacks, feeling disgusting and fat, obsessing over tiny things etc etc and she really set my mind at rest. I'm now focused on the next seven days and determined to get back on track. I really want to make it to goal, and do route to management and learn things properly... this whole episode has really confirmed that I really have no clue how to treat food, how to react to it - and to identify hunger and emotion/crooked thinking.
A very enlightening period really.... doesn't help that it is the TOTM and I'm all over the shop
Luckily - extremely luckily - she weighed me and i've STS, so that's something... VERY glad I didn't lose again after the lapses or I'd be able to talk myself into doing it again...
Sorry for going on again- just wanted to explain... this is one hell of an up and down journey - I've had my worst downs and here's hoping I am due an 'up' now
Anna xx