It's always me

Discussion in 'Slimming World' started by SLACK ALICE, 29 December 2008 Social URL.

  1. SLACK ALICE

    SLACK ALICE Silver Member

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    I feel like getting up and just walking out , to teach em all a lesson.
    Here I am at 7 in the morning on my own watching kids programmes whilst everyone else is doing their own thing.
    We have a disabled son (18 and demanding). I have 2 daughters (18 and 22). One lives with BF and the other lives here but spends most of her time at BF. So at home is me, OH and son.
    I spent all day yesterday in -cos it too cold to take son out and anyway where do you go ?. Boss foned me to ask me to change my hours from 2.30-6pm to 6pm - 10pm. Now dont get me wrong I know it's only 4 hours but I just detest the 6-10 shift, so of course I'm stressing mad !! Told boss didnt want to do it , but like a blooming idiot that i am i said yes in the end:mad:
    But now I've thought about it- eldest daughter is going to disney tonight at 4am I wont get to say goodbye. Now I'm stuck here all day with son. cant go out, OH has gone to work he wont be home till gone 6.Other daughter wont bother coming home till gone 4
    I have had this for 11 years, I have to work part time -so that I can be here for son from school and everyone else does their own thing, I told OH -In new year gonna get a full time job then lets see !- his reply - youll be like me then , I have to do full time -to pay the mortgage!- I told him he could stick this house where the sun dont shine.
    Im just so peed off, I do most of the tidying,washing,cooking,shopping,collecting prescriptions,appointments ,arranging things. I am not admiting to doing it all but whenever i ask for them to do it they always say -I'll do it later and to tell me to stop moaning- if they stopped and thought why I am moaning all the time its because of them.
    They just dont get it, I am here all the time I want a life.
    I'm :cry::cry: right now cos I got no one to talk to.
    Them lot at work are all crafty and sneeky, this lot at home dont give a dam, my mother -well she's a blinking waste of space. One of the woman at work will no way in any shape or form do a night shift. But I have to do it.i've just foned work and told her that we are going out for meal tonight, and she has done her nut and wasnt very happy- so now i feel guilty and gonna have to fone back and tell her i will do it
    why is my life so blinking complicated?
     
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  3. HelenG

    HelenG Member

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    Dashed good question Jeeves!
    Don't call work back - Don't do the shift if you don't want to.

    Go out for a meal so you won't be telling porkies but don't back down.

    You deserve some you time and space - start asking for it
     
  4. whoami1

    whoami1 Full Member

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    I agree.
    If you phone in work and change shift, you are still going to feel bad.
    If you can find anything nice to do for yourself today - do it.
    Watch a film you want to watch or give yourself a nice bath and pampering.
    Love yourself xxxx
     
  5. ladylite

    ladylite Gold Member

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    Hi Alice,

    I think you need to make quite a few changes, but you cant do them all at once.

    Why dont you write a list about things you would like to change and then put them in an order. Start at the top and dont go onto the next one until the first is complete.

    It may sound strange but there is not many people who get what they want, they have to work at it cause for some of us it just dont come along on a white charger. Your husband doesnt seem to understand how you feel, have you actually sat down with him and had a serious talk about how you are feeling. It is natural to feel trapped especially if you have disabled son, you are to be admired.

    I think you need some special time for yourself, you deserve it. This time of year is not good for a lot of us, as it brings back lots of memories and they are not always happy ones.

    Keep your chin up and for once put yourself first, cause without you they would not survive, but they dont know that.;)

    Have a happy new year.
     
  6. Baloo

    Baloo Full Member

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    Hi Alice,
    I agree with the others about not ringing back - you've made the first step in standing up for yourself so do stick to it. You are as special as anyone else need to stand up for yourself.
    Its tough being a mum as your're on call 24/7 but being a carer is even harder and it never stops!!! I worked in a nursing home once where a 97yr old was afraid to die as her son wouldnt manage without her!!!!
    Are you in touch with a local Carers centre - I work as a support worker in this area so I presume there must be one for you locally which might give you someone to talk to or even meet other carers.
     
  7. kjs1628

    kjs1628 Surely....

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    Ah Alice. I don't have anything to say advice wise, but wanted to send a hug. It sounds like life is hard at the moment (Christams has a habit of showing up the real workers doesn't it?) so I just wanted to send a hug. ((((())))). Don't give in to work though - you'll just feel even worse. Have some time to yourself instead.

    And try to talk to OH. Easier said than done, I know....I find mine finally listens when he sees the tears! Let him see how much you're hurting, and how much you need someone to look after you for a change. If I could, I'd pop round and make you a cuppa right now.xxx
     
  8. SLACK ALICE

    SLACK ALICE Silver Member

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    I have no-one , no social worker ,no carer to come in, we loose respi
    te in march cos he's 18, but he can still go to the hospice, but for only 14 nights per year -so we have to be careful when to book.if we cancel any ,he looses those dates.
    I have foned eldest daughter to ask her opinion on work -she said just do it. Then foned my sis -she said she'd rather have all day to herself then go to work. But it was up to me what i did.
    Then i foned worked and told other woman i was coming in a 6 -she told me to get my priorities right and do what i wanted to do and ring back later, cos my boss is leaving at 12 then coming back in at 6 to do that shift ,but i know what its gonna be like -she gonna give me the evils,and make life difficult for me for a while.
    Other daughter hasnt foned, so she thinks im going to work at 6.
    I have wasted the whole morning fretting about what im gonna do -giving myself a headache.
    I think i'll have to go in at 6 cos no-one is here to look after son and i need a shower and dont like leaving him and wont be able to get ready for 2
     
  9. SLACK ALICE

    SLACK ALICE Silver Member

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    thanxs- I have always been a BILLY -NO-MATES. Cos i feel i cant put the burden of my son on other people. THey dont want him there,IYKWIM.
    We dont go out for meals etc, we havent got a social life and 2 daughters have said in the past- why should they look after him ,he is not their son!!
    So we just plod along -my family dont want to know either. They will fone me and ask what we are doing on New Years Eve (they have asked every year).
    My reply- NOTHING, and then they say ..oh yeh forgot !!
    What did they forget?
    We did have 2 sons my eldest died on New Years Day.
     
  10. Big an Bouncy

    Big an Bouncy Full Member

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    Agree with what the others said,I too have a son with a disability but he is able to live a normal life in his own home.You sound just like me though,never say NO to people,always there for others,put yourself last and use food to push your frustrations away?Hence our weight probs!Call a meeting...Hubs ,daughters,son.Explain that things are going to change,you need more help with your son,more time to yourself.Even if money is tight a walk in the park costs nothing,just hubby and you!Your daughters have thier own lives I know, but they could give you an afternoon or evening to yourselves.You cant do it all yourself,as much as we want to!Delegate..and if the others dont help shame on them!I know about respite too we used to do it for a few years,it is very thin on the ground!If you dont ask for help you could crack under the strain,I know what I am talking about...a little help will go an awful long way.Love to you and your family.x
     
  11. haggan_family

    haggan_family Member

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    I'm sorry you're having a hard time. It seems like you need some 'me' time.

    I've only friends through my partner and none of my own so gets lonely at times and no family support at all. When I've had enough, I just go upstairs when my partner gets in for a very long bath or a lie on the bed. I've three children under 5 and also recently became carer for my dad who now lives with me. I'm returning to work in February because the same routine everyday gets too much and it's mentally draining.

    I was a support worker and find that those who talk about the problems to doctors and social workers get more and those that stick it out get nothing. For your son, I'd say try get a social worker- if not for him, support for you. Tell your doctor and practice nurse. There's also support agencies for carers too.

    I'd talk to your husband too. Unless he's like mine and don't listen but then it's still a release to get it all out. Mine always brings up that he works full-time and I stay at home all day implying I just sit around when that is so not the case.

    I'm sorry about your eldest. It will be hard for you at this time of year. Do try talking about your feelings with your husband as he may be feeling the same.

    Hope to help.
     
  12. HelenG

    HelenG Member

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    Dashed good question Jeeves!
    Dear Alice (Can't call you SlackAlice - its seems derogatory to me)

    I can only offer my prayers & hugs right now. If you can tell us what you need with regard to help then I'm sure there are many of us who can give you lots of advice on where to go for help and support - can you tell us about your son's disability.

    This time of year must be so hard for you with the death of your eldest son - did you get any counselling when it happened or at all?

    I think that you have made the bravest decision to turn your life around but you have so much to tackle all at once you need to break it down into 'bite-size' pieces so that you can actually see some results and not get despondent that nothing seems to be improving.
    Like KJS1628 - I'd come give you a hug if I knew where you were (and wouldn't get arrested for stalking:8855:)
     
  13. Big an Bouncy

    Big an Bouncy Full Member

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    See Alice you arnt Billy No Mates anymore!
     
  14. mummy2beslim

    mummy2beslim taking one day at a time

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    I jst wated to say sorry you are having such a tough time and (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))) I am an only child and have a disabled mum and its dfficuly trying to juggle everything mwe all need time to chill and relax but having a family and trying to work and do everyhing else can take its toll have a nice bath and try relaxsorry im not much help xx
     
  15. bettylollypop

    bettylollypop soon to be skinny minnie

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    i am so sorry you are having a tough time at the moment. I agree totally with what everyone else has said. I think you really need to sit down with your oh and make him listen to you and explain that you really do need some time to yourself or you will go mad. I also think that to should explain to your daughters that, yes you are aware that your son isn't their son, however it would be really great of them if they could just look after him for a couple of hours one day to give you a bit of me time. You are not asking them to take on the role of a carer, you would only be asking a couple of hours.

    Sending hugs to you and hope you manage to sort things out. xxx
     
  16. kjs1628

    kjs1628 Surely....

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    He's not their son, but you are their mum...If someone doesn't take care of you you'll find it difficult to do any of your other jobs, including being a mummy to them.

    What is his disability? is it an all consuming problem, or is he able to look after himself for an hour or so while you have a bath? And so sorry to hear about your other boy. I can only begin to imagine that pain. If you are happy to tell us, what happenened? If not, then I completely understand.

    I agree with the earlier post about asking for help. At the very least, the Doctor could probably refer you for counselling so that at least you get to offload every now and then. I know that, for me, it's the dwelling and internal seething with the world that are killers. I'm not very good at being angry and saying what I'm thinking, so I tend to let things build up into a crescendo where I get very sad and end up sobbing about everything. Once I've done that and got it off my shest I tend to feel fine again until the next time. Perhaps if you saw a counsellor it wouldn't ever build up to that crescendo, or even to the point where you're sitting at home alone and crying.

    .............

    More hugs??? (((((there you go)))))
     
  17. rainbow

    rainbow Gold Member

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    have just read through the thread and agree with whats already been said, just wondered how you're doing now hun? xxxx
     
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  19. judimac

    judimac Mad old Bat with Attitude

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    Oh Huney, my heart goes out to you. I would either as has been said go to your Gp and throw a wobbly, (he gets well paid to sort things out), you will certainly be really ill if you don't get some help, and then someone will have to do something, and/or ring the Town hall and ask the social work department for a needs assessment for both you and your son. It's an unfortunate fact these days that unless you make a fuss nothing happens. You have your needs too, and you are entitled to some help. You must put yourself first for once, (it's not easy). And yes, we are all your mate! Hugs Judi
     
  20. SLACK ALICE

    SLACK ALICE Silver Member

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    thanxs all, I managed to get out of working tonight. She wasnt too happy but hey ho.
    My eldest died in his sleep, we found him in the morning -he was only 11. What made it worse is that i found out a year later that the hospital had kept parts of him(like alder hey). our consultant at the time couldnt understand why i was so bothered- I could of killed her.
    I wanted him back , so i asked the pathologist for him back , he too wanted to know what for !!!. Both my sons have a rare brain disorder, so you can imagine what they kept aswell as other things . I knew from the start that if you have something rare they will want to keep it- I was always told -dont be silly , but deep down i knew.
    I worry about what they will do when my other son goes, I go through my plan of action about what i am gonna do when it happens over and over again. I need someone who i can trust to watch they dont do it again.I have to be alert and wary of all of them.
     
  21. Susiewoosie

    Susiewoosie In it to lose it

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    I agree and think you should speak to your Doctor. He might have some answers for you
     
  22. gillybeans

    gillybeans want to be me again ...

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    Alice
    I just wanted to say please keep smiling ...I feel so sad to read your story and wish i was near to help or give you hugs , you are always trying so hard to be jolly and keep things together when inside you are falling appart ..just hope putting it all in words has helped you in a small way and you can get some help , you have lovely friends here so never feel alone ..
    i wish you much love and happiness Gilly xxxx
     
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