Julz Management, here we go!

[eatlikeabird]

Hi Julz,
Well I told you I was a chocoholic and it hit me square in the eyes on 22nd. They gave us a xmas gift bag at work, a bottle of wine, nail polish, pen, and a selection box. I knew I should just take it out the bag and give the choc straight back but I took it home. It was sitting beside me and yes I openned the box. Ate the lot. Wine can sit in my cupboard for the next 2 years no bother but the minute I had choc in the house I had to scoff it. I did manage to refuse every offer of choc but the minute it was mine and at home it had to be eaten.
I ate for dec 24th and 25th, and I'm starting back to my mix of Total and Lite today. The xmas break will just have to do me for the next 4 months.
I'm hoping that the food will mean my January blood tests will be down again and I can resume just Total for another 6 weeks. Its alot easier to keep my head straight on just Total rather than having to mix in some Lite days.

 

[Debbi8489]

Hi Julz, sorry you're having such a struggle at the moment. I've battled depression for years and ended up on prozac a few years ago. I think I might have a touch of SAD as well.

I've found the past couple of days a struggle, but I have managed to stick to Total 100%. Boxing Day was the worst, strangely enough. We're now down in Liverpool staying with OH's family. We're meeting friends for dinner tonight. I phoned the restuarant and for the first time, was grilled about me wanting to bring a pack along. 'It should be ok' says the manager. Er, well you're the manager mate. Is it or isnt it????

Looking forward to seeing OH's friends. Some of them havent seen me for 5 months...they will see a huge difference!!

When are you back home? xx

 

[Spanglymum]

Oh julz I can identify with so much in your post - especially the bit about 'fat' jeans. I did exactly the same thing, but with jeggings (Lycra ahoy!) and not really recognising when you're full or hungry.

I have had depression for years without realising. It was only when it turned into severe postnatal depression that I got diagnosed. I now take 20mg Prozac a day and it is a helpful balancer, so I have chosen to stay on it for the time being. I have also got myself a SAD lamp this year, which seems to help too. For some reason, being on Total I didn't feel depressed at all! On the contrary, I had loads of energy!

I found myself out of control over Christmas this year around chocolate, sugar, bread, pastry and alcohol. Why?!! And nuts and crisps. Sore, bloated tummy and puffy face. Yet I was the one person in my LLT group last year to stay 100% over Christmas.

Hang in there. We can all support each other as we all totally understand xx

 

[Spanglymum]

I'm hearing a lot of 'rebellious child' in all our posts. Have we focused too much on Parent (rather than Adult) while on Total, so now our Children are striking back? Just a thought.

What's the Adult view? I overconsumed over Christmas (like many of the population) and am now getting back to normal. ?

 

[Debbi8489]

I dont know Spangly. I think it might be. Even the 'naturally slim' person at work was talking about getting back to normal after the over indulgence. She brought in marzipan sweets as she has a weakness for them, so removed them from her house so she wouldnt eat them over and above all the other crap she has eaten. Also and interestingly, she felt more bloated than normal because our weather has been so utterly rubbish she hasnt been able to take long walks on Boxing Day or New Years Day, which would normally compensate for some of it.

Julz, where are you sweetheart? xx

 

[Julz]

Hi , I'm here.........thanks for asking, First time logging in for several weeks, not sure what is going on in my head. Having several good days, then through one thing or another, binging on rubbish. Seems I have not beaten my addiction to chocolate as my crutch through stressful times, I'm reaching out instead of thinking for myself and making adult choices.
At Christmas I found out my last living uncle had been diagnosed with lung cancer, the same as my mum, his sister, my mum died 5 months later and I went through quite a rough time caring for her, while she went through the awful never ending pain. My uncle at 85 also had Alzheimer's, went up a couple of times (200 miles away) to help my aunt at 79 who bless her did not have a clue what to expect. Well, he passed away in his sleep last Saturday not in pain, which is a relief to everyone that he is at peace.
Can't say what is causing my stress levels to go up that I need to reach for food, my uncle's illness has not helped, but certainly is not to blame. Crap t work for several reasons, not helping.

I had decided that this year I would focus on me and make time for me, but so far seem to be chasing that dream. I have gained about a stone, so now the clothes I had bought are beginning to get tight, I am determined not to buy a bigger size. However, thiis afternoon, I went to sainsbury and found myself looking at size 14 trousers, having a justification conversation with myself that they would be more comfortable and it would only be for a few weeks, then I wouldn't need them anymore!!!
I did manage to walk away but it was a real turmoil in my head, what was I thinking? I did buy rubbish as well as good stuff, rubbish mostly gone o planning a better day tomorrow.
It makes me feel so sad I have let myself down, and got to this stage, think I'm going to get back to posting and writing down everything I eat, and maybe a mood diary. I'm not hungry when I eat the rubbish......

Some of it undoubtedly is the 'high' from making goal, but you would have thought the lessons learnt as you go through the program would stick? Strategies I worked at before seem to just melt away.

Guess I'm feeling sorry for myself, again, tomorrow is another day and fresh start, I know it's not too late, just need to focus!
Mx

 

[TheRealMe]

Hi Julz, sorry to hear you are feeling low but glad you are back on the forum. I don't know if you are a reader, but I've been reading a little book called The Secret Art of Self-Development by Karl Moore and have found it a real support in recent weeks. I keep going back to it when I'm feeling sorry for myself or can feel my rebellious child taking complete control! Might be worth a look - if you've got a Kindle, it's really inexpensive too. It really pulls me back to Adult in a no-nonsense, straight talking way. Anyway, good luck. Just keep focus and remember how brilliantly you have done to get so far. Why is it that we treat ourselves so badly when we have so much compassion for everyone else? And why is it that we use food as our 'reward' or comfort when we have a million and one ways of loving everyone else? Is it just us folk who battle with weight, something inherent in our nature? I think we have to find out if we are ever going to be at peace with our bodies and ourselves, but oh my, how hard is it???

 

[Julz]

Hi TRM, thanks for the recommendation, I have a Kindle and just downloaded so will read it tonight. I am always open for recommendations on development, at different times I take some on board.
I agree with your observations about treating ourselves badly and rewarding with food, I have been doing that my whole life, trying to be the best I can, but never feeling like I am good enough. It seems to go through my whole life, family wise and work, yet I know deep down I am a capable and effective person who can achieve great things, but it seems to be short lived.
Try as I might I don't seem able to keep the consistency up and then I beat myself up.
I have had a little better week this week, but the child still rears it's head, to the extent I feel like I have a self destruct button, as I get nearer to my goal, I go off at a tangent and sabotage myself, then I eat, then I beat myself up and go round in the same circle.
My clothes are a little tight, nothing major but I am aware that I need to pull it back, I am definitely a stress eater, or boredom...........
To put it into perspective, I'm fine allot of the time, more fine than not if that makes sense.
I think it is part of the process to go through these stages, and learning to say no, or divert like I did while on Total is in me somewhere, just need to reawaken it.
I am going to try and post on here more often it definitely helps.
I'm off to read my new book!
Hope everyone has a good weekend.

Jx

 

[Debbi8489]

Hi Julz

Lovely to see you back. I'm sorry that you've had such a difficult time recently.

I recognise what you are saying about beating yourself up and not feeling good enough. What do you think of the book that The Real Me recommended? I'm still plodding on with my latest books, so not going to buy another more just yet.

Hope you're having a good weekend

 

[TheRealMe]

Hello Julz, hope you enjoyed the book. I was thinking about getting it on cd so that I could listen to it in the car, but I sampled it on iTunes and I'm not sure that I could tolerate his voice!! I wish I was more techie so that I could read it out loud and record it myself - apparently your own voice telling you this stuff is the second most powerful way to hear it. The most powerful being your mother! I too am crashing around a bit in trying to establish a way of eating that satisfies my needs. My LLC is brilliant and keeps telling me to not be in such a rush, that I need to take time to work this out. I'm really impatient though! I suppose because Total works so well and so quickly, I want to immediately be in a routine that maintains it and, most importantly, with no major effort on my part! And therein lies the rub. On one level I realise I have to make an effort if I want the body and health I like and deserve. On the other ................ well, suffice to say that my behaviour is less than ideal. I want it 'done' for me. I want it to be simple, like Total. I know Total wasn't easy, but it was simple. And I want that, but with food. And I want someone else to do it for me. Given how independent I am and how I absolutely HATE being told what to do, this wanting it all mapped out for me seems odd. I like being in control yet there seems to be a part of me that is avoiding controlling what I eat. I wonder, is it because if I'm told what to eat and I gain weight it is no longer my responsibility? Not my fault? Oh dear, back to the workbook............

 

[Julz]

Hi Julz

Lovely to see you back. I'm sorry that you've had such a difficult time recently.

I recognise what you are saying about beating yourself up and not feeling good enough. What do you think of the book that The Real Me recommended? I'm still plodding on with my latest books, so not going to buy another more just yet.

Hope you're having a good weekend

Hi Debbie and TRM, thanks, I am sure it will get better soon, it is a really strange process I seem to be going through, and I seem to swing from one extreme to the other with no 'reason', and it seems to happen really fast as well.
I am reading and enjoying the book, got it on my kindle which is great so it is always to hand. At the beginning it says that you might need to re read it and I agree. I am about half way through and have gone back a couple of times to 'get it'.

I feel I am making small steps forward, my logical brain (adult) sees things in one way and I seem to make the right decisions, then almost on a whim and for no logical reason, my naughty child kicks in and off I go. This can be really sudden with nothing that has happened, no upset it just seems to happen. It is all about choice of course, and most of the time, I am able to step back and use cbt techniques and pull myself together and keep being the adult.
Probably 20% of the time I know what is happening and make the decision to carry on anyway and sort of have a mini binge. I say sort of because sometimes I overeat rubbish, another time it could be I just have a bigger portion and feel over full but in fact have not done any damage.

Most of the time I am able to rationalise the situation, but I struggle to keep 'in control'.
Even to the extent of I could be in the middle of exercising and the 'mood' (whatever it is, can't actually put a name to it) comes over me and I just think, 'stuff it' and stop. Why is that?????? Rhetorical question.............

I know I have been through the mill a bit lately, nothing life threatening, but I think it is all together adding up. Had my blood test results last Friday, GP trying to find out why I am so cold all the time, (not LL), well most ok, I have high cholesterol 6.2, GP happy because my weight is much better, not quite where I should be he reminded me! He does not agree or want to talk about LL, 'don't get me started', his words.
Anyway, it is 90% genetic, my good cholesterol is very good, so he is not prescribing any medication (hooray!). I told him I will take some plant sterols which will help bring it down, GP not worried enough to retest me so that is reassuring. My dad died of heart problems and his dad so its there in the background but manageable.

Last Monday was the funeral of my uncle who passed away with aggressive lung cancer which the same as my mum, as it's really a horrible way to go, and brought back lots of sad memories which, although it was a long time ago with my mum, it still cuts very deep and I thought I had dealt with it all. That is not the case, but I am working through it and recognising it which is a great step forward.

It certainly has been a long road and I am not there yet, but I am feeling as if I am moving in the right direction.

I guess part of it is the feeling of not being in control, total was 'easy' as there was limited choice and I really did not deviate except on holiday. Now as I have full choice, it seems as if I am not able to make the right choices.

I have been tinkering with going back to total for a couple of weeks and had even planned it but never made it, I think that might be the 'easiest' solution, but then in a few weeks time i will be in the same position again.......

I know my water intake is not good either, finishing total, I have been aware of a bladder problem. I thought it was just the volume of water I was drinking meaning I constantly needed the loo, but then it got to the stage where I had to go with nearly no notice and felt like I was constantly in the loo. GP has given me tablets which seem to work ok, effectively a 'chemical bung' as my GP so quaintly put it. Well the effects are, I don't go so often, which is great, other effects are constantly dry mouth, very dry hair so it's gone frizzy, dry skin even with cream. Benefits are great, negatives no so good.
Also, not sleeping so well, stress levels around work are up, if things don't pick up there will be more redundancies and I don't feel in a good enough place to find another job. I have been looking but feel my confidence is poor again. Menopause????? I have increased my soya intake so hope that will help the mood swings, if they are hormonal.

I also think I take on too much and have high expectations of myself, which then I put pressure on myself to do, finding it hard to say no scenario....

I did an hour or so of exercise this morning, 30 day shred, lateral thigh trainer, etc, so was on track, brought an edamame salad into work, then had a stressy moment and started on the chocolate. Dinner, roast, sprouts, carrots, sweet potato, broccoli......... followed by.. chocolate!

Agree with point about the different levels and the expectations of what effort I need to put in, and another thing, I feel like a spoilt child!:sigh:

Well that's me just about done for the day, hope you have a good week, catch you all later
Jx

 

[Debbi8489]

HI Julz

A couple of things you said really struck home

"I guess part of it is the feeling of not being in control, total was 'easy' as there was limited choice and I really did not deviate except on holiday. Now as I have full choice, it seems as if I am not able to make the right choices."

Total was easy, I stuck to it 100%. Making choices is so difficult. I'm not drinking enough water either.

This management lark is difficult eh?

 

[Julz]

HI Julz

A couple of things you said really struck home

"I guess part of it is the feeling of not being in control, total was 'easy' as there was limited choice and I really did not deviate except on holiday. Now as I have full choice, it seems as if I am not able to make the right choices."

Total was easy, I stuck to it 100%. Making choices is so difficult. I'm not drinking enough water either.

This management lark is difficult eh?

I agree Debbie ! Well I'm hoping I have turned that corner, I finally plucked up the courage to go to my first management group and it was great. Money is uber tight and I thought it was chargeable to start with, but it's not, it's monthly at a weekend which fits so I have made a huge step for me and went.
Huge because I was also beginning to feel a failure, as I have put on more than the 7lbs I had told myself would be my 'allowance', any more than that and surely my clothes would tell me to wind in a bit? Well the clothes were telling me but I just started to resent the tightness feeling and almost begrudge having to be sensible, as I knew I. 'must'. Well, how's that for crooked thinking?? I am still on my journey and clearly ave not finished working things through. I have been making some adult choices, hurrah!!
Also using myfitnesspal ap is helping, I am adding everything I eat and drink then I am able to reflect, also it shows the breakdown of carbs, protein and vitamins etc it's great. One other thing, I add to it before I eat, which means if I'm doing anything 'off plan' it gives that reflective space. How grown up do I feel this morning!!,
One day at a time, is my new mantra. I was tempted 3 times yesterday to get chocolate, and things 'conspired' not to let me buy some at the point I needed it so, there is something else 'helping' me.
Have a great day everyone, I'm just off to 'shred'
Jx

 

[Julz]

Should have added, I feel like a new door has opened just a little and there is a shaft of light glowing through, my plan is to open up a little more each day till the sunshine floods through.
One of the girls at group on Saturday talked about 'spending' her calories as if they were money, eg a cake is 600 calories,' I'm not spending that on a cake I could have a meal for that' I thought that was great it makes it easier somehow to picture it as money, thought I would share
Jx

 

[Debbi8489]

Hi Julz, how are you getting on? I've been struggling, but hey ho. Are you finding that you are eating less carbs than myfitnesspal recommends?

 

[Julz]

Hi deb, much less carb values than myfitnesspal recommends. Trying to keep to the 1200 calories per day, some days easy other days really not and I exceed it.
I seem to low on vitamin A a lot as well.
I'm having a good few days now at a time then a wobble, and the good days seem to be getting longer and the wobbles not so intense, I have even walked away from stuff when my mind switched over to sod it mode. So I was intent on getting xyz that I know I shouldn't and sometimes probably 50/50 i find the strength not to be child like.
I'm also refocussing on my goal, some of my new Clothes are tight and I think I look really fat in, which is not great.
Def going to management group next sat, it's monthly and I found it useful, although we were sent an email about going back if we feel we need to as there is a new 'lite' program for those on management who want to refocus. Can't afford it so won't b doing that, and I need to b free to make the choices and live with the consequences which I am trying to do without being so tough on myself I go into meltdown!
Hope you have a good weekend
Jx

 

[Julz]

Well, lots of things have been going on with me, off the rails a bit, have gained over a stone, have been out and bought a couple of size 14 clothes so I have something to wear, have been sooooo stressed at work, abscess in mouth , 7 lots of antibiotics in 7 weeks, feeling pretty lousy.
However, I did go to management group yesterday, and committed to going every Saturday for pop in weigh in.
Finally got a new job which I start tomorrow!
Feeling quite positive, even though all last week few comments at work from my boss were under ing my confidence, and being told I am very 'brave ' taking a new job, I am over the moon, excited and a little apprehensive, will they like me? Can I do the job? Etc etc, which I know will be fine but my brain also needs to stop interfering with my sanity!
Hey ho, hope everyone has a good weekend and positive week
Jx

 

[Debbi8489]

Hi Julz

How did the new job go?

Goodness, we are so similiar. I have put on a stone too (well, it was about 20lbs, I've managed to get 6lbs off). Did you go to your Mgt group today?

Debbi xx

 

[Julz]

Hi Debbi
My mgt group was last sat, I did go that's when it hit my brain, went to pop in today and another pound on. I know what's going on ...... I'm eating rubbish at random times, feels like a little switch flips in my brain and I don't care to stop it!!
Frustrating because I know I'm doing it but the overwhelming feelings of I don't care seem to over ride, even though I feel my clothes getting tighter! I have been under some stress lately and just started a new job after 14 years in old one, was quite run down just finished 7 th lot of antibiotics 2 weeks go for an abscess and chest infection, feeling really tired
Hoping that I will get in the groove soon, I did buy a mixed box of exante and will 'try' my best to follow that for a couple if weeks, I think if I can at least break the urge to eat cr*p it will be a big step forward, i have given myself until middle of July o get on track, then I'm going back to total if I can find the money on my credit card!
New job is great, very new team and all seem lovely and supportive of each other so that's great news.

Io have committed to pop in every Saturday for the next few weeks to see if that helps, the cbt seems to have drained out of my brain!
I know as a grown up I have choices, not really sure why I'm making these, do I want to get overweight again? No is the answer so why? I don't know!
Any reason for your gain?
Mx

 

[Debbi8489]

Hi Julz

I'm sorry to hear you're not doing great. But its good to hear that your new job is going well and that your colleagues are supportive. Are you popping in on Saturdays or attending a group? Maybe its the group you need? You have a plan to go forward, so thats good. As for making the wrong choices, I cant answer that. I do the same :sigh:

I'm back on the packs (although they are leftovers from when DD did LL, so it didnt cost me anything). I do enjoy the feeling of being back in control. I was on holiday, all inclusive, shovelling food into myself, even though I wasnt enjoying it. So thats it. No more AI hols for us!! Then I came back and my Nan was in hospital for 3 days before she died. Massive comfort eating going on. I tried to get back on track myself, but I've really struggled. So packs for me for a couple of weeks. End of Day 2 for me. Hurrah!!

Debbi xx