Just can't win!!!

Discussion in 'General Weight Loss Discussion' started by xxpiscesxx, 9 January 2009 Social URL.

  1. xxpiscesxx

    xxpiscesxx Is determined this time..

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    Just a rant...
    Why are people never happy , when i was younger my mother used to say no boy will want you if your fat !! blah blah blah ..here i am married to a perfect bloke with a beautiful baby and she still goes on about it ..smart little digs all the time!!!
    She got told today i am doing the cambridge , "oohhh your hair will fall out , its bad for your health", yea and if i stay so fat its bad for my health..nothing will stop me now...i some times wonder is she afraid she will have nothing to ***** about ;)
    Rant over ...tanx 4 reading :D
     
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  3. totty

    totty Personal Trainer

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    lol...thats moms for you...never happy :8855:

    all the advice i can give you is ....do what you want x
     
  4. xxpiscesxx

    xxpiscesxx Is determined this time..

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    u said it hahaha...i was getting it again today...i just tune out !! i was wondering if that was the norm for other people r was i d only 1 :)
     
  5. Georgiestar

    Georgiestar Silver Member

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    hmm well your mum really shouldnt be that mean, but mums are like that, I would agree with your mum about that diet if I didn't look here, I never thought it was healthy, but thats my opinion, looking here its seems to work fine with most people, you just have to let your mum say her say and carry on with it really, I know I would be in the same boat ,my grandmother would make comments, if I was overweight and doing that diet.
     
  6. Flerette

    Flerette Banned

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    I think that your mom wants the best for you but she doesn't know how to tell.
    Moms are all the same but don't doubt that she cares about you. Mine was always reminding me not to eat too much. It's boring but thanks to her I've never been to much overweight.
     
  7. xxpiscesxx

    xxpiscesxx Is determined this time..

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    Thanks girls ;) it was just her comments reduced me to tears one day and really irritated my oh !
    She always makes this fat face and puts her arms out and wobbles and things like if i was your size :( She is just so lucky to be slim i suppose.
    It gets me down sometimes because i know i embarrass her but i am on the way , and this time i know i will do it !!! i love this site ;)
     
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  8. lippy66

    lippy66 Member

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    Hi Pisces
    Stick to you guns and the diet. Your mother will probably become strangely silent when you lose the weight but that's just another cross you will have to bear. The diet is something you have decided you want to do and your mother's comments,which I'm sure are well meant, are just distractions.
    Stay strong!
     
  9. xxpiscesxx

    xxpiscesxx Is determined this time..

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    Thanks lippy ;) xxx
     
  10. jacsprat

    jacsprat Silver Member

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    Hi Pisces

    I'm so sorry to hear about the way your mum has been treating you. Her intentions may be good (I doubt that), but in my opinion it is unacceptable behaviour. It wasn't right when you were a child and it is certainly not right now that you are an adult.

    The best thing you can do is try and distance yourself from her both physically and emotionally. Easier said than done I know.

    Have you ever tried to tell her to stop talking to you like that, explain to her how her words and actions affect you?

    If you cant bring yourself to do that you have to try and come up with some coping mechanisms that you can use when she is criticising you. For example say to yourself that you are a strong beautiful person and a better mother than she is.

    Try googling Toxic Parent.

    Best of luck with your weight loss. Show her you can do it.

    Jac
     
  11. Katycakes

    Katycakes Stubborn tortoise

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    Pisces, I identify on this. My mum often points out overweight people with a disparaging comment, seemingly unaware that I am standing right beside her & much bigger than them... when I started CD she would greet me with a hug and say, 'Oh, good, you're still big then!' and then put a cream cake or plate of biscuits in front of me. And get upset when I wouldn't eat them, though I'd explained a million times about CD. My Xmas pressies were chocolates - TWO boxes?!!!! And now that I have lost more than two stone and am starting to see a difference, I am getting digs about 'losing too much' and looking 'worn out'. I know that's not the case (I am still overweight, but not quite obese any more, and truthfully looking better than I have in YEARS.)
    It makes my head ache sometimes, and my heart, but my mum is elderly and I have given up hope of getting through to her now or changing her. Also, I know she loves me, but not quite sure if she LIKES me... and I can see just lately that she has a LOT of food issues herself, and a genuine fear of being big. She has been underweight her whole life, and there have to be some reasons for that.
    Anyway, wanted to say you are not alone, and it's OK to rant, the forums are a safe place to do it! And after the rant you have to pick yourself up, brush off the guilt (flooding me now for saying bad stuff about my mum) and tell ourselves that we are OK, and we are lovable, and we are strong and able to control our own lives and sort our own problems. We can do it. We CAN!!!!
    xxx
     
  12. xxpiscesxx

    xxpiscesxx Is determined this time..

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    Hi Jac & Cathy..

    Isn't it terrible all the same to think they she doesn't cop on how hurtful her comments are ..
    I will never ever treat my children the way she does..She is slim and attractive and i see the look of disguist on her face when she see's overweight people :(
    I had to laugh after a trip to the doc last week and she said there is old notes on my file about me having thyroid problems :O now that would really give her a kick up the arse if that was the reason hahaha..
    I have decided to distant myself a bit and pretend to have plans and then when i have a good lot of weight gone i will appear . when she comments i will get the oppertunity to say your are always putting me down..
    I hate writing this but when i think of what she says to me and how it hurts i feel less and less for her ..imagine to be disguisted by your own flesh & blood :(
    I am the happiest i have ever been with my husband and beautiful baby and the fact i am doing so well on this is a bonus ;)
    I sometimes wonder would she be really shocked if god forbid i lost the weight and looked better that her
    Girls thanks alot for the messages i pretend it doesn't bother me but the reality is it does :(
    Thanks again XXXXXX
     
  13. Katycakes

    Katycakes Stubborn tortoise

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    Big hugs Pisces.
    xxx
     
  14. slendablenda

    slendablenda Gold Member

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    Pisces I think you have hit the nail on the head. I expect she's subconciously afraid that you'll be slimmer, more attractive, happier than she is. Our emotions are very mixed up and complex.
    Katycakes -we've written on here before and have many of the same issues with our mothers. loving them, wanting their approval, feeling their dislike and judgements of fat people. I know my Mum loves me and is very proud of me and I am of her. She has her own weight issues. She's always been ultra slim. if she puts on 1-2 lbs. she eats just yogurt and fruit for a couple of days to lose it. She always wanted approval from her Mum who wanted a pretty girly girl after 2 boys. But my mum was long and lanky and wanted to be a tomboy and keep up with her brothers.She wasn't pretty, but she became well groomed and elegant with lovely long legs and wore her clothes really well. She's an intelligent attractive lady but I think deep inside she wanted to be pretty.
    I'm completely different from her. I'm pretty sure that part of my allowing myself to get so big (21.5 stone) was sort of to challenge her love because she's always said things like "she's a nice woman even though she's big" etc. I've told her she's judgemental and she's admitted it, but cannot change now. I wonder if I've lost all this weight because she's getting old and it gives her so much pleasure to see me slim? or am I doing it for me before my time runs out - probably a bit of both.
    I've always told her that looks are too important to her,but everyone is always telling her how wonderful she looks even now-and she does compared with almost everyone else of her age. I'm proud of her even though she also irritates me so much!!!
    I'll never be able to work it out...........
     
  15. Katycakes

    Katycakes Stubborn tortoise

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    Slenda, you're right - it gets so mixed up in our heads and in our hearts. I too know my mum loves me and is proud of me. I know that on one level she is a lovely, caring, supportive mum. But there is another side to her that I have never known how to handle, a side that didn't like me at all, that just couldn't cope with me - that side appeared when I was round about 11/12 years old and starting to have my own views, wishes, dreams. Becoming me, in other words. It was as if she couldn't handle that, didn't like the person she saw... wanted to change it and couldn't.
    She tried very hard to stop me going to art college, leaving home, getting married, living far away from her. I saw that at the time as trying to stop me being happy, just as she had done to my dad. I did them all anyway, but with a huge sense of guilt at making her so unhappy. Thirteen years ago, I encouraged mum & dad to move close to us, & they did. It worked well, and she did begin to accept me a bit more.
    Since my dad's death a year ago I have realized those things were attempts to keep hold of us, keep us close, to try not to lose us.
    My mum is a very unhappy person, and I think looking back she has had borderline mental health issues all her life which she is only now getting some help for. Since Dad's death we have become closer, and I realize now that many of the hurtful things she did came from love, but maybe a messed-up kind of love with a lot of fear in it. We are never going to truly understand each other, but we have made a kind of peace & see each other every day & get real pleasure from that.
    Maybe it's no coincidence I have never been able to face or work on my eating issues before now...
    Slenda, this has turned into a bit of an outpouring... sorry. I think this thread just brings up painful stuff. Your posting has helped me to look at things from a little bit of a distance, and that helps. Not pretending I'm not still majorly mixed up, but...!
    Pisces, thanks so much for starting this thread. I know you are at a different stage in your relationship and I think maybe getting some distance is what you need right now. Sometimes, you just have to take a step back from the hurt - it's self-preservation. I hope that you and your mum will one day find some understanding. Thanks Slenda & Pisces for this thread, for the insight, honesty and support. Hugs.
    xxx
     
  16. jacsprat

    jacsprat Silver Member

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    Pisces well done on not letting your Mother continue to undermine you. I think the fact you have a great relationship and love your life despite your size is what bothers your mum the most. She will be terrified of you doing well as then she will have nothing to criticise you about. Though my guess is she would find something. If you can try and use her negative comments to spur you on that will be even more galling for her.

    Katie when I read your comments about your Mum giving you chocolate and passing remarks about people bigger than you I instantly thought of this thread so I am delighted you have found it and it has helped you.

    My relationship with my own Mother is not as I would like. She just doesn't seem to be that interested in me or my life and never really has been. She lives about 20 mins away and we see each other about once a week (unless she needs something). There is no real warmth or affection there just a sense of duty. My dad died some years ago but that didn't make us any closer. As she gets older she is staring to need me more and I'm not sure how to deal with this. Part of me feels that she never helps me out so why should I go out of my way for her. But then the guilt comes in.

    I think the relationship between mothers and daughters is very complex. Often there is a lot of jelousy and competition. I would like to think that I would be delighted if my children were doing well for themselves and were happy but my Mum seems to feel resentful and envious of me.

    As for my weight well she does make comments about my size. She herself has always been overweight until fairly recently when she became ill.

    Much as I would dearly love to have a daughter most of the time I am thankfull that I have boys.

    Jac
     
  17. xxpiscesxx

    xxpiscesxx Is determined this time..

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    Ah girls thank you so much 4 even responding to my post !!
    I am secretly sitting upset reading through these and pretend it doesn't hurt but deep down it really does..we did fall out for a while after my father died but the sad part is he never judged me by my weight and also told me to stop the silly diets..talking about it now is bringing it all back up .
    I think the hard part is never been told that you are loved or proud of leaves a want there !
    Thank god for my lovely husband who tells me so ona daily basis..
    I hate writing stuff about her but the oldr she gets the more i think of her passing away ( sorry !!!!) and been sad for what i never had rather than what's gone :(
    I know we all have our own issues but sometimes i think my weight is the biggest thing going on in her life ?!?!
    I am delighted to be overweight today because i have had replys here from strangers who have really made me think more of myself than to rise to her level asnd ignorance!
    Thank you so so much for messages of support , suppose there is only so long i can put a front on that i am not bothered :(
    Great chatting with you girls..XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
     
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  19. Katycakes

    Katycakes Stubborn tortoise

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    Jac, thanks for kind words... I'm glad I found this thread too!!! As Pisces says, the support means a lot. We may be strangers but by sharing these sad stories we are helping each other and finding new ways to move on from the hurts of the past.
    Pisces, I don't think I could have had this conversation with my friends... it'd be too scary. So big hugs for making it possible for me to do it here, and to everyone who has joined in, all with support, understanding and no judgment.
    I do feel for you Pisces - but you have a fantastic partner & together you will be a lovely family... with none of the sad, mixed-up feelings we have had to handle. I think when you've been through this kind of thing you try extra hard to get it right with your own children... and I believe we will.
    And looking at this difficult stuff is going to help us to unravel the reasons we've evolved our over-eating habits, and hopefully take away the hurt a bit. When we don't have so many intense, bad feelings mixed up in our eating, it should be easier to break the patterns and make new, healthier ones. That's what I'm hoping anyway!
    I never thought I'd find anyone with similar issues, but I have through this thread - our store are different, but I think we've helped each other. Strangers, maybe, but friends as well!
    xxx
     
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