Just...*sigh*...

Discussion in 'Slimming World Off Topic' started by Sally_Cinnamon, 8 June 2010 Social URL.

  1. Sally_Cinnamon

    Sally_Cinnamon doesn't have a witty name

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    Sorry, sorry, sorry to be so moany and groany. It's not normally me, but I'm so :sigh: for my wee daughter.

    She's going to be 10 next week :D and she's VERY excited. Now, we live in the States and have been here for 18 months now. All our family (biological, anyway) are back in the UK, as is her dad. Obviously, her dad and I are no longer together *ahem* but we have a reasonably amicable relationship (given all the circumstances ;)) and he pays child support every week for the girls. He begrudges paying it, but he pays it anyway.

    But he thinks that paying a small weekly amount is where his parental responsibility ends. Yes, we moved to the States but he had moved 600 miles away to the top end of Scotland 6 months before we moved, and made very little if any effort to see the girls. When we were back in England, he'd see the girls maybe once every two or three months, and that was only if I instigated it.

    Since we moved he has made no effort to stay in touch with the girls. I email him regularly, he's on my facebook page so that he can see the photo albums that I post of them, and the girls can call him any time they want to. But he never emails them spontaneously, or calls them spontaneously, and most of the time when they call him he's out at the pub and can't/won't talk to them. It has got to the point where my eldest (she's 13) doesn't want anything to do with him--she's very disillusioned despite mine and my partner's continued efforts to talk positively about him. We NEVER say anything negative about him around the girls, and in fact go out of our way to make sure that they know he is part of their lives, and that he has many good qualities. I've tried and tried to drop hint after hint to him that the girls need him to be in better contact--after all, he is the adult, he is their father, and they NEED him to demonstrate that he loves and cares for them even from a distance. But he either doesn't hear me or just doesn't want to listen.

    We've even invited him over to stay with us (well, actually, in very nice apartment complete with gym and pool that is owned by Susan's family but is only two miles away from us...) and for the girls to stay with him while he's here so that he can have some decent time with them. We've offered to arrange car hire, and we've included his new fiancee in the invitation. We've extended the same invitation to his parents (I still get on with them all very well) but my invitation has been ignored. The girls were devastated over Easter to learn that he'd spent 2000 on a holiday to Portugal with his fiancee (they have both met her) rather than coming over here to see them, and even more devastated when his family didn't send them anything at Easter (the previous year they'd received a huge box of Easter eggs and chocolate treats that we can't get here). They feel ignored and I don't know what to tell them because, quite frankly, I think they are justified in feeling that way. But I can't impose my negativity on them, all I can do is remain positive and make excuses for him.

    I'm tired of making excuses though. As I said, it's Izzy's 10th birthday next week and as yet we've heard nothing about what he plans to do for her birthday. Last year, he and his family sent money a month or so in advance. We went shopping for the things that we knew she wanted, wrapped the gifts and put his name on the labels so that she thought he had sent the actual presents, not just the money. This year, so far, we've heard nothing.

    It's so hard watching their relationship with him decline because he seemingly can't be bothered with them. Yes, I know I made the decision to move over here (and, in fact, I consulted him about the decision about a year before I moved and he assured me that he would want to visit and stay in touch with them), but it seems that out of sight really is out of mind. Becs, the eldest, is so unhappy about him, she refuses to talk about him or to him. Izzy, being a little younger, is still innocent enough to see him as her hero, but is starting to ask why her daddy never phones her. It's heartbreaking.

    There are no solutions to this, I know. He'll be a decent father only if and when he wants to be and I can do nothing about his lack of interest. I just needed to get it off my chest.

    I tried to call him earlier to talk about Izzy's birthday but--surprise surprise--he's not home. I've emailed him instead, asking him what he plans to do for her and in a very non-threatening way have mentioned that the girls need a bit more involvement from him. We'll see if and when he responds.

    *sigh*
     
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  3. *EB*

    *EB* Gold Member

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    Sounds like a very hard time for you - i hope he replies and realises what he is missing out on. Sometimes people are just selfish and until its spelt out they cant see what they are doing, and how it affects others.

    Sending you love x
     
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  4. big bear

    big bear A bear on a mission!

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    Hugs 2 u & ur daughters. I really don't know what to say but think ur doing the right thing. I hope he wakes up & smells the coffee b4 he loses both his kids.

    Wishing u the best X
     
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  5. Claireybella

    Claireybella Gold Member

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    Oh hon, what a horrible situation. I hope he gets in touch and actually does something.

    I used to moan about my dad when I was little, about only seeing him one weekend a month, but actually, since growing up and talking to others, I realise that that actually was a hell of a lot more than others and that I'm thankfull for it now.
     
  6. judimac

    judimac Mad old Bat with Attitude

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    How sad. I can only agree with what everyone else has said. I hope it works out.
     
  7. Donnie46

    Donnie46 Slow but sure....

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    How sad for him and his children, I hope something can be sorted out soon.
     
  8. Meli

    Meli Gold Member

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    If you have a good relationship with his parents maybe mention how the girls missed their Easter eggs this year too, so they get a hint? It's a difficult situation really....Hope it all works out for the best!
     
  9. jaylou

    jaylou Gold Member

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    I can fully understand where you are coming from. My daughter's father lives a few hours drive away and whilst he does see her each 4-6 weeks there is no contact in between.
    I have to ask when he's having her and what week in the school hols he is having her. I've told him he needs to be in contact more but he never does.

    It's a very sad fact that something like 1 in 4 fathers lose regular contact with their children once a relationship has ended and I can see why - it seems to me that a lot (not all) of fathers once in a new relationship kind of "move on". The children are not regularly in their lives so don't even get thought about.

    I also have never bad mouthed my daughter's father and believe me, I wanted to, they form their own opinions as they mature. My daughter is 12 and her dad still can't do wrong in her eyes.

    There's no real answer I'm afraid hun, just keep doing what you are doing, keep positive for your kids.

    Sending you big hugs. xx
     
  10. Going2be*fab*at40

    Going2be*fab*at40 Silver Member

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    So sorry - it is really hard on your daughters.
    I'm in a similar situation (won't say too much) all I can say is that your children are reaching the age where it is inevitable that they will start to make their own conclusions.
    All you can do it to keep re-enforcing to them that their Dad is someone special in their lives, but you can't make him change his behaviour.
    By doing this, your girls will always know that you did your best.
    Take care - you are doing a great job. x
     
  11. missgalaxy

    missgalaxy Yummy Mummy! xx

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    ((((hugs))))

    My mum & dad divorced when I was 3 and I used to see my dad in the holidays, occasional weekends etc etc. Slowly over the years his involvment got less and less, he remarried to another lady who had 2 children already and he moved away.

    The last contact we had with him was on my 18th birthday when he rang just to confirm I was in fact 18 so he could stop paying support for me!

    My mum remarried to a fantstic guy when i was 7, he has bought me up, he is my dad as far as I am concerned and at the end of the day my biological dad is the one who is missing out on me, my life and my 2 gorgeous children.

    I suppose what Im trying to say is, firstly well done on remaining amicable and positive about their father that must be very hard. I hope he realises what he is missing before it gets too late as the clock can never be turned back. As the children get older they will make opinions and decisions about their father themselves as I did and maybe he will realise then what he has missed out on and that maybe he could have done more.

    Remember, they have a fantastic life where you are at the moment and a mother who loves them imensley and gives them the world when she can!

    Big hugs to ya - stay strong xxxxxxxxxxx
     
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