LucyAnn29
Full Member
Today I'm tired and emotional however although it is a struggle for me to lose weight I am struggle with life in general. I have s job which does not pay a lot but I am living s home with parents and sister. My parents Let me live there rent free and although it i am very grateful I am constantly suffering for mental abuse and sometimes physical although most people would get out I have no one to turn to or no one that would believe me. Most of my friends are related and I have a huge family. If I were to leave it would be an embarrassment and a huge public thing, this I do not want however living on edge to come home and find out what someone is going to be like or what type of mood a person I will be coming home to is killing me. I have no money and no where I could go to. If i drop something I am constantly reminded of how stupid I am or that I did it on purpose. I have had my clothes all thrown away and had to lie to my work why I turned up in leggings and a dirty top the next day. I have been trying to study on top of this in an evening however with things never being right in my house and the constant threats aswell as having constant replacement teachers I doubt I have passed and now looking to see what can be done about this. I am over weight and need to loose 5 stone to be a normal weight for my height. With the little money I have I am investing in the Cambridge diet with the little support I have at home. I probably have brought this all on myself but my weight is due to emotional eating, eating to replace boredom, eating junk food because I was never allowed it, eating to get rid of stress and anxiety and depression but I now know the real reason is because I've lived a life in an abusing house. I have been in a previous abusive relationship something I must be attracted to but that ended years ago even though it did I have shrunk as a person, I don't go out very often and I have dug myself into a new job even though it doesn't pay much. I love speaking to my work colleagues and being that person I want to be and stay as late as I can although my job is very demanding and tiring. It's something I love and am passionate about. I know I will have to leave this in order to save money and leave ( I am constantly screamed at to leave by my mother even though she knows I would if I could and if I did my father wouldn't allow it unless it was on his terms. If I wanted to rent I wouldn't be allowed but I would go) I could not afford it. I am hoping that losing weight and starting the gym after I've lost two stone will get my confidence back and motivate me. My job can progress if I can pass this test however I know I've failed and I'm still paying off the tuition. Some days are better than others today is a bad day, after being belittled by my own family in front of friends and the friends laughing at my expense because they think that family member was joking but wasn't. I ask my mum to help me speak to that member and she said I deserved it and that's why I need to leave because everyone hates me. I am struggling being on little calories and listening to constant negative comments and living on the edge of when I will have to defend myself. I can't live in fear anymore. If I stay in my room I get into trouble for not being socialable but If I go out I will have to spend money and find somewhere close within walking distance. I've stayed on buses just so that I don't have to go home early. At weekends I try to sleep in and go to bed early just so that I'm out the way but Sometimes more than guaranteed I hear shouting and getting blamed for something I haven't done. I help around the house and I cook except now I'm on plan. I feel sometimes life gets so heavy I wish I Wasn't hear but I know I can't do that as I'm letting them win, taking each day as it comes and i will have a cry and wake up tomorrow bright as new ( I'm a pro) I just need some advise. I have been saying for a year now to go to a doctor to see if they can help but I bottle out and by the morning I've talked myself out of it. Anyway today is my 11th day and I have stuck to plan. I have been looking at the scales ( it's the only thing that's kept me going) but they haven't moved yet so all in all my day has gone terribly. Sorry for the rant I just needed to type to see if it would help to get out of my system. Hope everyone's day has been more positive than mine.
