Lost & Found... Map Gone AWOL!

[Julie Williams]

Why not try to get some things in that you can eat a lot of and are not too bad calorie wise honey some examples: sugar free jelly (you can eat that till the cows come home lol), snack a jacks, pink and whites (love them yum), slim soups, hot choc (skinny cow or highlights) that way you will limit the damage done when in binge mode. Just an idea honey. Take care xxxx

 

[KD]

I'm back. Sorry...keep being taken away

Time again for a multi post after I've read some.

 

[KD]

and I am stubborn.

Ahh, yes. I'm stubborn too, but you do have to be a little flexible when stubborn isn't working

It's not a reason... I am not sure I have a reason.

Oh Katy. Do you do other things for reasons you haven't worked out...however small or large. When a whisp of hair falls in front of your face, you may give it a brush with your hand. Why? because it can be irritating, or you can't see through it. You don't just brush it away for no reason.

Everything we do, we do for a reason..and not only do we know that reason, but it'll be for our benefit. Yes, that may sound selfish, but it's human nature.

I hate ironing, but like seeing things ironed. I hate housework, but like to be able to find things.

You must know your reason, and if there isn't a good one, you'll struggle to do the 'job'

OK. Here is an (edited) big admission. I think is for... LEEWAY. (Runs for hills, ashamed.)

I thought that might be the case and please don't worry about admitting it. It's normal and understandable...everything else much as Porgeous says.

Okay, so that's your reason. So..what's your reason for not getting there? Frightened of maintaining? Or what? There will be a reason for that to.
[/QUOTE]

Can I butt in? I just noticed your BMI. I'm not surprised you are struggling on 1000/ 1200. Do you think you just need more food? If so, then maybe try 1500.

Yep

You know Katy, it's not just all head stuff, there are physiological reasons for why you may be struggling. Your leptin levels could be low through constant dieting and that will make it difficult not to binge or at least crave high cal foods.

I'm sure it's still below your BMR so you'd still lose weight, albeit more slowly

Yep (again) and it will be more manageable...and it wont matter if it's slow if you are enjoying the experience of being in control again.

There's a time for the much lower calorie diets and I really don't believe this is one of them for you Katy.

 

[KD]

I know that poem - it's one of my favourites. For those that don't:

Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.

by Stevie Smith

Ummm, I know that poem. It's really...um can't think of the word for it...but I like it

BUT. You're not drowning Katy.

Think how you talk to yourself. Yeah I know it sounds a whole load of mumbo jumbo, new agey, therapy blah blah, but it really works.

You tell yourself you are drowning and yep, you probably will. Tell yourself you're a failure and you're almost there for being one.

I know that when people have come onto my threads in the past, when I was really down on myself, they would come up with lots of lovely phrases, but I didn't believe any of them. Thought they were just being nice...trying to make me feel better.

But you know, really, really look at what you've achieved. Hold your head high and be proud. Be confident that you can do this, because I'm absolutely sure you can get what you want.

And I'm not saying this to be 'nice'. It's important. It's really, really, really important.

Start off small. Congratulate yourself on the times you don't binge. Remind yourself that at these times you are living slim :clap: Give yourself a huge pat on the back.

It's easy to get caught up in the one 'mistake' we make without appreciating all the things we are doing right.

Don't let your words weigh you down.

 

[Katycakes]

KD your post has made me cry. I don't know what i would do right now if it wasn't for minis, and yet keep thinking of running away as I feel like a fake, I look OK from the outside (slim, & pretending to be confident) and yet inside I am a mess. That's what the not waving but drowning things means to me, the difference between what people see and what is really going on. I have felt it before, but it seems more extreme right now.

I totally accept your point about negative words, I spend a fair bit of my life & career trying to get this very message across, so I do know it is real. That makes it more scary than ever that I am doing this to myself. I wish I knew the reason. I wish I knew why I slid from comfortable maintaining to terror & stupid solutions to problems I never thought I'd have to fight so hard again. I can't be scared of maintaining surely? I LOVE being slim. I CANNOT lose this. But still I want to destroy it, I must, because that is the logical outcome of what i am doing.

It is interesting what you & Laura have said about cals. I would like to blame this on leptin levels but my instinct is that it is my head causing the trouble... or maybe a bit of both? I feel so sad because I truly thought CD had sorted a lot of stuff for me and given me control and confidence in areas that had been chaotic before, but I see now that it was temporary, or an illusion. I suppose it wasn't logical that Cd was a magic fix for those things, but I am not known for my logic I guess!

There is so much in your post KD, I will keep going back and trying to get it into my thick skull. I think you are right, I know you are, I just hope I can have the courage to get onto the path you are suggesting... better stop waving/drowning and start swimming. Big hugs, and thank you.

xxx

 

[Sunshine Singer]

Caught up with you now. Looks like you've had wonderful advice here. Just wanted to say 'hi and thinking of you'.

You can achieve whatever it is you want... just need to figure out exactly what that is. Look how far you've come hun and how great you look in those pics you mentioned.

Right.... we are drawing a line under all this and moving on looking forward from now on

Hope you're feeling better than before. You were sounding pretty positive and determined on the thread I posted.....

Loads of hugs hun........ xxx

 

[Katycakes]

Curling up tonight, rain is lashing down outside. Were going to a festival but decided at last minute not to... hadn't got tickets yet & reports are that it is waterlogged. Son is there with friends, his first festival without us. But... feels like the best thing to do.

Sunshine, I can do this, will draw a line... I have to. Tomorrow am working, so will be busy and that is good - no chance to be tempted to binge. Thanks for your fab post on main thread, it has flipped things around a bit for me, and KD has made some things a LOt clearer too. I can do it. Gonna get things into perspective - first thing, get binges under control, get back to eating normally; then look at cals, aim for 1500; then add exercise into mix. I can do it, I WILL do it.

Thanks everyone who has had patience to put up with my ongoing wobbles. I promise to get things sorted. Onwards and upwards!

xxx

 

[Sunshine Singer]

God I've been a moany cow this last few weeks. To me that feels like I'm failing..... i know that sounds madness but when I go out of control that's what I do. Seriously i got to a point that i couldn't bring myself to post for fear of bringing myself and others down! But I guess that's what we need this place for. It was my oh who made me see what i was doing to myself followed by a lot of thinking.....

Anyway, have a good weekend..... much rather be cosy and warm than at a water logged festival..... well done you, you'll get there, you sound back on track mentally already xxx

 

[Julie Williams]

Hope today is going well for you Katy you can do this and whatever you do keep posting, thats what we are here for through good times and bad xxxx

 

[Katycakes]

Thanks Julie & Sunshine. Big hugs. Just setting off for work event & lunch with friends to fit in as well, then mad busy afternoon, drive home and evening out with more friends. So need to keep my head int the right place! I will.

Just occurred to me that I won't drown if I start swimming. It's totally up to me.

xxx

 

[miss jelly tot]

Just occurred to me that I won't drown if I start swimming. It's totally up to me.

Love this quote Katy.
Just a little tip, Ive been so much better over the last couple of days as I found something that stops me from bingeing. That is to read the labels. If I went mad before I would take something and eat it. Over the last few days if I feel like I was going to go for it, I read how many calories were in it first. My head then registers and I hear myself saying, hang on is this worth it? I have been finding I only have one biscuit and not 3 or I have a few bites and throw it away to save calories. It may not work for some people but it's finally something that has worked for me. Hope you have a lovely weekend x

 

[Katycakes]

Just checking in to say, have checked off first day of 'normal' eating in a while.
porridge, blueberries, 0% yog
latte, small baked spud (left 1/4) egg mayo filling, green salad
latte
slice wholemeal bread, butter, marmite (home)
quorn meat slices; spoon veg rice; slice tarte au citron (party)
fizzy water & fruit juice

So... quite high cals, but no binges, & fair amount of energy expended in afternoon at work, and then fun & relaxing with friends in evening. Several compliments on looking 'great' which help a lot too.

Tomorrow... will make it another good day.

xxx

 

[Laura Croft]

*notes time*.... stop out

Glad you had fabulous day. I think your body is going to be happy with the extra cals and now you won't want to binge. x

 

[Katycakes]

Yup, I know! Still, it was a good evening, and got a little lie in today. Still lashing down here, & no word from son at music fest... no mob signal where he is. Hope he hasn't woken up in a puddle!

Interesting thing yesterday. At my work event, there were lots of extra stalls & workshops going on which I didn't have time to check out. My OH was there as had the day off, & had his Blood pressure checked at an NHS 'health' stall. It was dangerously high. So he is quite upset and we have to do some swotting up on how to deal with this, & he has to go to GP asap. From my new post CD perspective I think he eats too much bread & carbs & fat, and very big meals, so maybe we could eat more the same. I'd like that. (I sometimes have a small portion of what family eat, or sometimes something different, as OH is main cook in our house). Also, would love if we could do some walking or whatever together. He doesn't seem keen, but we'll see! I think this is important & could be a chance to get a healthier lifestyle all round.

Anyway, plan today is to achieve another cross on my plan of 28 of normal eating... to re-set the patterns and get to a more stable place.

xxx

 

[Sunshine Singer]

You're doing fab hun.... Gosh you had a busy day yesterday!!!

Hopefull the doc will help hubbie. Have another great day... Isn't it fab marking off the 28 days..feel good xxx

 

[Katycakes]

Plan for day... have been over to see Mum, dropped son's g-friend to work (she couldn't go to fest with him) and just about to meet her parents & sister for lunch in cafe where she works, with OH & daughter. I know I can get a nice free range egg salad there, so it's not a problem, and the cakes are no great shakes so I will be happy with a herb tea or maybe latte. Then home again to work... tons to catch up on. Quiet evening, phew. Aiming to get today ticked off... I can do it! And once I have two days ticked off, that would be the start of a new pattern?

Thanks Sunshine - & KD of course - for helping me stop the self-pity and the self-destruct. And thanks all of you for putting up with me! Hugs.

xxx

 

[Watergirl]

You sound really positive Katy! Agree if you can get a few days ticked off it makes it easier to feel on track.

 

[miss jelly tot]

Well done on the last two days Katy, looks like you are in a better place now x

 

[Katycakes]

Slowly does it, not gonna count any chickens. BUT, had my egg salad, & left the bread (bread is a big trigger so think I need to steer clear for a little while), then a latte for pud. Yum! Just had a sweet craving and allowed myself a CD bar. So far so good.

Hope everyone else is having a fab sunday.

xxx

 

[sleepybird]

Well done my lovely, good for you! Be kind to yourself as you are doing great.
My last night shift tonight, thank god! Roll on the rest days! x