manipulation

[MommyNOriana]

Not to bring this up again....

But I'm still reeling a bit from this issue with my mom on Tuesday. She normally watches my daughter on Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday nights while I go to work. Well, since I've got a bee in my bonnet, I'm not going to ask her for her help. I hired a babysitter and enlisted a couple friends to help me out this weekend. I'm sure my mom is sitting at home wondering if I'm going to call her and "need" her help. Well, after that little episode, I don't want her help. In fact, I don't want my daughter seeing that kind of behavior and taking it on herself like I did when I was young.

So I guess my question is this: Do I text/email her (I'm NOT calling her!) and tell her that I have childcare covered for the weekend? Or do I just let it go. I suppose it would be rude not to tell her. I guess most of her guilt trips come down to "after all I do for you...this is how you behave..." sort of thing. She doesn't HAVE to help me. She chooses to. So I can't feel guilty about that too....

 

[Lonestitcher]

MommyNOriana: NEVER BE AFRAID TO BRING SOMETHING BACK UP - ESPECIALLY IF IT ISN'T RESOLVED OR IS STILL AN ISSUE - It's what your total-strangers-yet-still-closer-than-some-family-cyber-friends are for!!!!!

The issue you have with your mom - I think it's time for some tough love. (Either that or just being a complete 'female dog' so that she knows what's what).

Unless you have a standing arrangement - don't bother contacting her. If you usually have to ASK if she can look after your daughter, this week, you have chosen NOT to ask her. BUT BE PREPARED - Your mom is acting like a child and like most children are quite happy to cut off their nose to spite their face. Next week she may be 'conveniently "busy"' and so unable to help out.

If your mom throws another temper tantrum in front of your daughter, don't let it become an issue. Just say something like 'Look at silly nanny!!' and 'Silly people don't get hugs!!' and then give your daughter a great big hug - and don't mention your moms behaviour again.

Remember, when your mom 'helps you out' by looking after your daughter, SHE gets something out of it too... time with her precious grand-daughter!!!!

As for the whole 'after everything I do for you...' comment, bring the issues out in the open. 'Everything you do for me..?' What like make you feel sad, depressed, like a disappointing child, like reaching for the nearest high-fat/high-sugar/most calorie laden thing??? Tell her that the way she speaks to you IS NOT APPROPRIATE!!!! You are an adult!!! Does she speak to other people/random strangers that way?? Why does she not think that you are worthy of the same respect as STRANGERS!??!!

You are a beautiful, caring, loving mom DO NOT LET HER TREAT YOU ANY DIFFERENTLY!!!

I know that it is easy, sat here at a keyboard, an ocean apart to suggest what you should do....

 

[sockmonkey]

Well, I was sat here wondering what to say, as TBH I'm not so good at dealing with my own issues of this nature. But WOW lonestitcher, I want you in my corner too

 

[MommyNOriana]

Thank you LS. We don't really have a "standing arrangement" but she does watch her most or part of a weekend if she doesn't have plans. We usually discuss it during the week and I tell her what time I will be dropping her off, etc. I can see how this will all blow up in my face. If I don't contact her, then it will be MY fault that she didn't make plans or had to turn down plans etc. I will be "rude" and "inconsiderate". It just seems like a never-ending cycle. TBH, it's not really my style to not keep her updated, etc. And it probably is rude and inconsiderate not to tell her that I have other child care lined up. I'm in a panic about this. And I HATE that.

She doesn't generally speak that way to strangers, but she does to my father's employees! And she doesn't even work there! But she comes in the pharmacy all high and mighty and being her normal controling self. No one there likes her because of it. They all think she's a control freak too. And at the end of the day, it's kind of upseting. I don't like knowing that everyone finds my mother obnoxious. I guess in a way I'm embarrassed - even though it has nothing to do with me. I guess we all want to love and be proud of our families...but it's just not always possible.

Being a control freak, I'm sure she wants to know what I'm doing with my daughter tonight. And the rest of the weekend for that matter! I wish I wouldn't behave the way I am right now. It seems so "tit for tat". But I kind of have to think about it as a way of protecting myself. Why go through all the awkwardness of calling her and seeing if she'll babysit? Just easier to get a sitter and some friends to help out. They always offer - I just never take them up on it! One of my friends even called me this morning to tell me how much she's looking forward to it. My daughter is a lot of fun to be around, so she's very well liked. I'm so lucky! Anyway!

As far as eating goes today...I've done pretty well. But it's not even 11 a.m. and I've already had my yogurt, cereal, pineapple, apple and a boiled egg. I'm watching the clock until lunchtime. Maybe eating something a little more substantial will tide me over. Thank you so much for the support! I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate it. It helps to know that I'm not the "bad daughter" she claims I am.

 

[Harrie]

My biggest "delight" was when I got down to a weight I liked and my mum told me I was too skinny. I put on 2lbs and she prodded my belly and told me I was getting fat.

TWO POUNDS.

Is it any wonder I have issues with my weight!

 

[MommyNOriana]

Well I went to pick my daughter up from daycare and my crazy mother had already been!

Needless to say I got an earful from her about how I'm cold toward her and it hurts her. And then she proceeded to tell me That I act like I'm better than everyone else. And I'm never happy to see her. I never call her. I don't make an attempt to have a relationship with my siblings etc etc. And she cried. Oh man...

 

[Maximus]

I think a lot of us have issues with food which is related to 'something' . Whether it's our parents, ex relationships, relationships with peers etc etc. It all leads from something. The thing is to try and not let it rule us, often recognising triggers goes a long way to helping this. It's hard. Were here to support you. Xx

Sent from my iPhone using MiniMins

What a fantastic post, you could be one of them trickcyclists or whatever they're called lol.

We all have issues, but it is how we deal with them. So simple, yet so succinct!

Steve

 

[MrsBabyCakes]

@max...I had to look up what a trickcyclist was. Thankyou! lol

@mommy, Never be worried about offloading here, thats what were all here for.

One of the biggest lessons I have learned, and am still learning, is not to be a victim of my upbringing, or allow people to emotionally drain me. By allowing them to effect me like that, I am giving them the power, and tbh how dare they take my power!

You have to take steps to protect yourself, it doesnt matter who they are, unacceptable behaviour, is just that, unacceptable, and if your mum is one of the reasons why you eat rubbish, then you need to do something about that.

You either have to accept that she will always be that way, and give youself tools in order to cope with her behaviour, so that you dont eat food, as a result of how she acts. You speak to her and tell her how she is making you feel, which may or may not work. You reduce the amount of time spent with her to reduce to trail of damage she can make, or you cut her out of your life.

I have had massive ups and downs with my mum, she will never change, I will never get the support I need or want from her. I have accepted that, and moved on, and I just take from her, what she can offer, and I have learned over time, to let her negativity wash over me, learned to walk away before I slap her one (I used to break phones over the woman ) lol....she is who she is, and she is still my mum.

Its taken time though.

 

[MommyNOriana]

I think That's the problem. My coping mechanisms are to withdraw and become quiet. We learned at a young age not to challenge her. I could never dream of telling her how I feel. It would hurt her too much. And she would get defensive - as almost anyone would. I do let the negativity wash over me. But of course that looks to her that I Don't "care". I don't blame her for much. But lately I've been remembering all the ways and times that she killed me just a little on the inside. I like the person I am but in some ways she's right. I use avoidance to deal with negative emotions. There's just so much going on and my head is spinning. I'm going to see someone next week about how to better cope with these feelings.

Besides, I can't help that I'm better than everyone else. ;p

But seriously I think these feelings are a result of losing weight. Its like they're seeping out as the weight drops.

 

[MrsBabyCakes]

Seeing someone is taking positives steps, and excellent!!