Hi all, thanks for the concern.
I had a bad day and needed the perspective of being away. I often have a bit of a bad mood but I get over it, blah blah. Every now and then I have a truly horrendous mood, my emotions go to pot and I start questioning my existance. I never thought but maybe it is a TOTM thing, that's this week but I've never suffered with PMS. TBH the whoel tOTM month is newish to me, I didn't have any for years till I dropped below 16st and they came back with a vengance.
Anyway it started because I was so miserable about the drinking thing. I'm so worried I'm doing damage to myself by overdrinking but I'm so thirsty and I need the fluid, I need to know I can have a glass of water without harming myself! I logged every drop of liquid yesterday and realised at lunch that I had already had 4 liters which just threw me right over the edge.
I had had a a small cube of pork when cooking in the morning, I didn't just pop it in I decided I wanted to eat a tiny tiny thing. I also had to taste the curry I was doing for the kids, no way can I give them anything with spice in without testing. It was very mild, all fine, but it was the first time I have done that. I've tested their food by sticking my finger in for heat but never tasted any.
So I had 180g cucumber with this salad shakey thing I got in Asda, lemongrass and herbs to put on salad. Nice. Thought long and hard and had my final BL berry bar for lunch, needed to chew so I broke my routine of always having the bar at 5 and every other pack changing shake/meal/mush/cookie whatever. And I sat there and the baby was sleeping, she's really ill which doesn't help. I went and had 200g cucumber! With the shake again. I'm thinking oh it's ok we're allowed 200g veg and ignoring that I already had some.
Then I'm about to leave for school run and just take a small piece of chicken from the fridge, oh it's ok it's protein maybe I won't have 4th pack today it's fine. Then I put the baby in the buggy and saw a snack bag form the weekend and had 2 percy pigs, they weren't even that nice.
Back home the kids were fighting and crying over EVERYTHING, refusing the food I cooked and baiting each other I nearly cried. I had a crispy shake mush just so I could eat my regular 5pm pack and not nibble their tea, that's the plan. But I had 2l flavoured water when I got in and kept filling my glass form the tap- had given up on the log by then- I needed something.
Home, straitaway had 4 cans coke zero, 1l flavoured water then another BL bar. Then a choc shake mush. Then a sodding Tesco bar, then I gave up and had a tin of peaches in juice. Felt a bit bloaty but still really hungry, I was drinking all that time too. So it's 10.30 and I started a cleaning frenzy, tidied the flat and cleaned the bathroom. Midnight I keep thinking got to go to bed but I can't make myself. And i read one simple post on MN and remember I have raisins so I had about 3 handfuls of raisins! This is at gone midnight, I have to be up at 6 for work.
I ended up spitting a mouthful out in the bin and throwing the bag away, I was doing what I alwasy do just cram them in, already scooping them up before I've swallowed. Not greed as such just needing the feeling.
I'm also really struggling with my pica, I thought it was under control with the vit tabs but it came up last night too though I didn't do anything but I was awake most of the night just with cravings.
I also was cross at my stupid body, haven't crapped in a few days and so I took 3 laxitives at 12.30.
Anyway the above is fact, it happened I need to write it down for myself more than anything so please don't comment on it if anyone reads it, it's just for me and so I can hopefully look back and see what a tit I am and also see that even if I cheat I don't go too bad and have a four-course meal, most of what I had was extra packs or food most would consider 'healthy' like the peaches.
I'm on track today. I'm doing something I alwasy used to do on Rosemary Conley which is a 're-start' day. Read the sheet over and over, thought about why the hell I am doing this, what I intend to achieve, the plus points of after-me. So far had choc shake for breakfast, choc shake for lunch and will have a bar or shake at 5pm then a shake at 9. No tea, no boullion, nothing not allowed. No veg, I've managed without it before. No flavoured water or anything but real water and the stuff I've bought from S&S.
I'm logging every drop I drink. So far had 2.6l plus the water in the shakes, more than I had hoped but that is the absolute minimum I can go to and function. Got a bit of a headache brewing, always do when I drink this little but I just need to keep going.
And it will be a hard afternoon, it's tipping it down and I have no waterproof here so it'll be a long schoolrun. I'll put the youngest two in the buggy with cover but pushing them a mile whilst I'm soaked will be tough.
I just reaslised my stats are a bit skewy, I can never work out whether to put my start weight as the S&S start or the original one which was before I discovered minimins. So I changed my sig, to make it clearer. My official start date was the first day I did 100% S&S as my order was here, the week before I was having 2 packs a day plus low-carb stuff so I lost 5lb that week, I haden't realised that. Was when I just had the sample pack so not enough stuff to get going.
Well that's my essay, if anyone got this far please no comments I already have said it all to myself so clean sheet, moving on. I know I will probably gain this week and I'm prepared for that.
I'm freezing, really really cold. I want a cup of tea but I won't today, I'll stick to plan and tomorrow I'll have extra bits. I need to get out of the mindset of doing everything I can to make this easier- adding stuff, changing every single pack, having sweetners in tea dn constant flavoured water and coke zero. Need to get back to original mindset of occasional extras to make the day pleasant. That's why I started off only buying the coke in cans and making a 15 pack last a week now suddenly I'm buying 3 bottles as they are on offer and it's all gone in a day, that's why I'm in this state cos I can't control myself!
I hate the getting up in the night too but right now it's THAT week of the month for me so up every hour anyway, dagnabbit!
