I'vefeeling so weird this weekend. I don't know if the gym class was a mistake or if it's something else but I don't feel myself at all. I keep falling, I'm dizzy and my hands won't work properly. I feel so stupid! Yesterday I was in a good mood, I actually made a weekend pland and kept to it- went to drop of a parcel, went to the gym, went to town for a bank meeting. I had porridge before the gym, came home and had a strawberry shake, went bank. That's when it got all weird, a bit 'out of body' and I fell over. Shakey hands and suddenly my mouth doesn't belong to me.
I got home and had something, can't remember. Vanilla pack maybe. I couldn't sit down, I couldn't walk and I just felt so spacey and weird.
I had an extra bar, honey one. Then I had more stuff, I can't remember. Nothing tasted right, I can't chew. Water tasting funny too. Cup of tea made my feel sick. I tried watching a film all snuggled up on the sofa but I felt so jittery I was walking round the room every few seconds. Freaking out. I had food, I had to. I had some beans and they made my mouth feel gross, I threw them away. Had two small boxes of raisins, I must have done but I can't remember but the boxes are here. I opened a tin of apricots and had one and they tasted savoury. Really freaking out then, forget the diet I just want to feel normal.
I had some cucumber, it tasted like rubber so I threw it but I know it was fine as had had some already, I remember weighing it. Ended the day feeling starving hungry, crying hungry, needing to chew but I can't swallow? I had some crackers but I was chewing them and spitting out! There may have been more food, I have no idea.
Today- got up 11ish, weighed for some reason. 2lb up, or 4lb, or 10 I now can't remember. Sat in the bath for a while. Had vanilla mush, didn't feel up to actual making. Tasted metallic. Have drank water today, I don't know how much but it tastes odd. Tried tap water, bottled, and tried adding water flavour but it all tastes wrong!
I had a bar at 2ish, tesco one, then had two tins of veg soup and some branston but nothing tastes right. I threw away the rest of the crackers. I just had a chilli, that's 3 packs today plus the extra crap but it was difficult to eat and all the while I kept thinking I want something sweet. I'm thinking what can I eat what can I eat, my head is floaty and I'm not sure I'm writing this.
I made 4 drawers for my cupboard but I've made all holes in them, they look TERRIBLE but I don't care. I only put 5 handles on I tried to do the rest- there are 8 altogether- but I can't.
I don't feel like me and I don't know why. My mouth wants to eat but the rest of me doesn't. I'M SCARED. I have work tomorrow I can't be like this. I want to get back on track but nothing works! My body is against me.
My driving force is there, my goal in sight and suddenly everything is crap. I have a meal next weekend with my best friend, something we've done for years and I want go and be happy, have a goss. I wanted to lose a couple more lb before I saw her. Mini-goal. Frenchman is coming here for the Easter weekend, knows I'm dieting but I haven't seen him for 3 stone so hope it will be a suprise. Plus long term goals of BFs wedding and seeing my family. ALL IN MY MIND! Why do I feel this funny. This isn't a blip, it isn't me being unable to resist. I'm actually thinking of food that I could eat to make myself feel more like me- in a physical way, not emotional. I can't go dr, I can't even describe my feelings. I don't want to take a day off work, work days are so much easier for me. Plus need the money!
Aaargh. Will post this drivel then go and sigh at my shitty DIY skills and rearrange my stuff, then come back and delete. Am suffering madness crapbags.
Confession- took orlistat after going mad with food yesterday. Took 2 laxitives too, though that was also cos I aint pood in DAYS. Not since before big blip earlier in week. All that stuff, all my packs, is still in me. Today, hurrah, tiny poo but where is all the stuff from the packs going. Is it rotting in me and killing me. Also have started on benefibre again.
I really really want to chew but the idea of putting anything in my mouth makes me want to cry. I don't even want to drink water.