cornishkez
Gold Member
Glad to hear you're still plugging away Leeds. You don't lose until you give up! I find myself reading more and posting less, but I'm still here as well.
My Diary...
- Thread starter leeds123
- Start date
great things
Gold Member
exercise and weight loss will up your spirits as will sorting out your work problem. just wish you happiness, stability and strength. 
having a very weird phase. feeling low but spending a lot of energy suppressing it. it rears its head sometimes though, catches me out. i'm meeting occup health this week at works request and feeling very stressed about the whole thing. i have been eating a lot too, comfort eating. not binge portions but just eating silly things i dont want. i want to feel better but my TOM week really really sends me reeling back to depression mode. i have vowed to eat better for the rest of this week and once my internal problems are better I want to restart cd. I had one stone to goal but slowly the weight is creeping on. i just keep telling myself that once i am in the zone I can lose a stone easily but when i feel down even the smallest thing becomes immense. not eating makes me sad, eating makes me sad. i am so stupid that i havent taken the anti-d's the doc prescribed as i thought i was strong enough to lift myself out of it all but i will get them today and start on them. i feel defeated today. sorry to post such a miserable post. I do have good things to say too - I am still drinking the water and watching what i eat most of the time. I love not having the stress of work. i have learnt to bake!!!. I have re-started reading books and relaxing more, i laugh more. I feel like part of me is returning and maybe the anti-d's can finish off the part of me that refuses to get better???
had a shake today for brekkie so still in touch but struggling.
had a shake today for brekkie so still in touch but struggling.
great things
Gold Member
hi leeds. nice to hear from you. when i was depressed from work i messed around taking then not taking my anti-depressents. if you start taking them continue to take them. they will take about 3-6 weeks to hit your system properly and you won't feel the difference until then. i feel so much better and am glad that i'm on them. i still get the regular stress about things but this is now very normal, the stress and worry that everyone gets but i don't get the all consuming downer that takes me down right to the depths where i feel that i just can't cope. i'm quite happy most of the time and am feeling ace. i would recommend you start taking them but this is totally your decision.
i'm glad that there's positive things in your life as well as. you need these to give you hope.
as for work..... do not worry. the occ health person should be from a neutral background. tell them everything esp if you are leaving. for what they've done you could well take them to a disciplinary hearing.
i'm glad that there's positive things in your life as well as. you need these to give you hope.
as for work..... do not worry. the occ health person should be from a neutral background. tell them everything esp if you are leaving. for what they've done you could well take them to a disciplinary hearing.
Thanks for your kind words nikki. I have decided to commit to the tablets. How do I know they won't help if I don't even try? I'm up and down all the time. Eating well. Eating crap. Feeling ok. Feeling crap. Feeling lethargic. Feeling energetic. Low self esteem. Good self esteem. In control. Out of control. I know it's tom week so expect to feel crap but I long for the days when life was manageable most of the time. You've given me good advice about the tabs. Did they increase or decrease your appetite? I want to know of any side effects so I know wat to expect. I assume I can do cd whilst taking them?
great things
Gold Member
i think when they hit your system they give you the 'feeling normal' that you need. they level you out so you don't have the massive moody ups and downs and therefore the massive ups and downs with your appetite too. so i would say that food wise it all equals out and normalises giving you a chance to gain control again. i would say that when i started feeling better i wasn't as snacky. i did snack when stressed but not like i had been. i started cd again and had such focus and strength to do it.
the only thing with prozac is i find sleeping difficult. when i'm depressed i suffer with insomnia and it's the only thing that has continued to an extent. the doc won't give me sleeping tablets either. the only times i've had full sleep is when i was taking night nurse night time tablets for my cold. they knocked me out. loved them. i can't spend my life on them though.
you are so much like me leeds. honestly. i could have written your posts those many years ago. it's flaming hard. you are constantly telling yourself to 'pull yourself together' but you just can't, you can't get your head around it. people just don't understand why not. the guilty feelings you get when you are totally down, the dispair. the anxiety. looking over your back was another thing, like knowing that someone was watching your every move to prove that you were off and faking it. obsessive behaviour. i had a massive need to empty out my head and couldn't. nothing worked. it's time that you need for that one i finally found the answer, it took me long enough though.
you don't know how strong you actually are. depressives are one of the strongest people about. we are the most dependable. we take a lot of abuse then finally one day we crack and it hits us. we fight it and fight it, battle on, not telling anyone and one day it gets too much. there's only so much coping can be done and why should you go through it alone without help. use your strength to get you through this and s*d anyone else. you and yours are the most important right now. focus on that. focus on getting yourself better and not taking on the weight of the world.
the only thing with prozac is i find sleeping difficult. when i'm depressed i suffer with insomnia and it's the only thing that has continued to an extent. the doc won't give me sleeping tablets either. the only times i've had full sleep is when i was taking night nurse night time tablets for my cold. they knocked me out. loved them. i can't spend my life on them though.
you are so much like me leeds. honestly. i could have written your posts those many years ago. it's flaming hard. you are constantly telling yourself to 'pull yourself together' but you just can't, you can't get your head around it. people just don't understand why not. the guilty feelings you get when you are totally down, the dispair. the anxiety. looking over your back was another thing, like knowing that someone was watching your every move to prove that you were off and faking it. obsessive behaviour. i had a massive need to empty out my head and couldn't. nothing worked. it's time that you need for that one i finally found the answer, it took me long enough though.
you don't know how strong you actually are. depressives are one of the strongest people about. we are the most dependable. we take a lot of abuse then finally one day we crack and it hits us. we fight it and fight it, battle on, not telling anyone and one day it gets too much. there's only so much coping can be done and why should you go through it alone without help. use your strength to get you through this and s*d anyone else. you and yours are the most important right now. focus on that. focus on getting yourself better and not taking on the weight of the world.
cornishkez
Gold Member
I suffer with depression, mine comes out as anxiety and paranoia and the best explanation I've heard was a counsellor said to me once that I'm like a simmering pan of water, I keep the lid on and I simmer away inside but sometimes the pressure gets too much and i bubble over. She told Me I had to learn to keep the lid off So that I can slowly continuously release the steam.
It made sense to me. And I LOVE the saying that depression isn't a sign of weakness it is a sign of being too strong for too long.
You need to figure out what works for you? Tablets didn't work for me, I spent years on them (from the age of 16. I was secretly a very troubled young person) and the dose gradually got higher and higher until I was a walking zombie. After my 3rd attempted overdose (cry for help) i decided to stop all the pills and packed everything i owned and my dog into my car and went to stay in the outer Hebrides. Random yes, but then I spent weeks by myself, just me and my dog walking the beaches and hills, not a human in sight and nobody but myself and my thoughts. Then one afternoon something just clicked and I knew I was ready to go home, face everyone and get on with my life.
I still suffer with anxiety and paranoia, the odd panic attack but I have learnt over time to recognise when I am losing my grasp of reality and not looking at things in a 'normal way'. I know when I am being unrealistic and can usually take a step back, take a deep breath and reassess things before they go to far.
Sorry I hadn't intended to write such a long post, I guess what I was trying to say was that you need to figure out what works for you. And nobody expected that to happen overnight, there is no cure for these things, you just need to find you're own way of controlling and understanding how to handle things. Tablets may not be the answer long term but they will allow your brain chemicals and hormones to level out and give you chance to think straight. The only way that I can describe it is that it will feel like the brain fuzz has been cleared and you can think clearly. It won't make you happy, but it will clear you'd mind and level things out so you stand half a chance of realising why you aren't happy?!
Depression (and it's many forms) are slowly becoming less and less of a taboo subject and more and more understood. I always remember my mum trying to explain my depression to my grumpa and him asking why? What does she have to be unhappy about? It's a generation thing. An understanding an sympathetic doctor or counsellor is worth their weight in gold. There is nothing worse than feeling low and then also feeling patronised.
I really hope things pick up for you, just don't ever feel ashamed or embarrassed!
It made sense to me. And I LOVE the saying that depression isn't a sign of weakness it is a sign of being too strong for too long.
You need to figure out what works for you? Tablets didn't work for me, I spent years on them (from the age of 16. I was secretly a very troubled young person) and the dose gradually got higher and higher until I was a walking zombie. After my 3rd attempted overdose (cry for help) i decided to stop all the pills and packed everything i owned and my dog into my car and went to stay in the outer Hebrides. Random yes, but then I spent weeks by myself, just me and my dog walking the beaches and hills, not a human in sight and nobody but myself and my thoughts. Then one afternoon something just clicked and I knew I was ready to go home, face everyone and get on with my life.
I still suffer with anxiety and paranoia, the odd panic attack but I have learnt over time to recognise when I am losing my grasp of reality and not looking at things in a 'normal way'. I know when I am being unrealistic and can usually take a step back, take a deep breath and reassess things before they go to far.
Sorry I hadn't intended to write such a long post, I guess what I was trying to say was that you need to figure out what works for you. And nobody expected that to happen overnight, there is no cure for these things, you just need to find you're own way of controlling and understanding how to handle things. Tablets may not be the answer long term but they will allow your brain chemicals and hormones to level out and give you chance to think straight. The only way that I can describe it is that it will feel like the brain fuzz has been cleared and you can think clearly. It won't make you happy, but it will clear you'd mind and level things out so you stand half a chance of realising why you aren't happy?!
Depression (and it's many forms) are slowly becoming less and less of a taboo subject and more and more understood. I always remember my mum trying to explain my depression to my grumpa and him asking why? What does she have to be unhappy about? It's a generation thing. An understanding an sympathetic doctor or counsellor is worth their weight in gold. There is nothing worse than feeling low and then also feeling patronised.
I really hope things pick up for you, just don't ever feel ashamed or embarrassed!
nikki - i find it a huge compliment that you see yourself in me (albeit years ago). I read your diary and feel in awe of what you get done on a daily basis, always on the go, always motivated, always doing. I have 'doing' days too which are great but when i feel low i feel almost paralysed and sit at home and feel upset. You have really helped me clear my thoughts and I have decided I cannot struggle on alone. Like others I have demons from my childhood and I need to let go of the past and accept today for what it is. You really hit a nerve with me when you said sometimes it feels fake. I sometimes feel like i am imagining all the doom and am just overly cynical. its this attitude that has stopped me taking tabs as I feel like I can do this on my own and im just being 'silly and should get on with it'.
Kez- thank you for sharing your story. I feel humbled that people on here feel they can share and reading about others have suffered and COME THROUGH is great. I also love what you wrote about being strong for too long. thats exactly what my doc said, she said most people who she sees who suffer from depression are hgh achievers with good relationships, act as good supports and seem really together and these people are most susceptible to suffering depression as they set the bar too high for too long. I am one of those people. even being off sick feels like ihave failed myself, i give myself too hard a time.
I agree with both of you though, that time is needed to sort out the muddles in the head. thank you thank you thank you for your kind words.
Again, i have started today with a shake and will try and 810 again.
Kez- thank you for sharing your story. I feel humbled that people on here feel they can share and reading about others have suffered and COME THROUGH is great. I also love what you wrote about being strong for too long. thats exactly what my doc said, she said most people who she sees who suffer from depression are hgh achievers with good relationships, act as good supports and seem really together and these people are most susceptible to suffering depression as they set the bar too high for too long. I am one of those people. even being off sick feels like ihave failed myself, i give myself too hard a time.
I agree with both of you though, that time is needed to sort out the muddles in the head. thank you thank you thank you for your kind words.
Again, i have started today with a shake and will try and 810 again.
great things
Gold Member
never ever give up trying leeds. i tell my daughter that you don't have to come first you just have to finish the race. life is the race. no prizes for coming first but many rewards for taking part and finishing the things you start.
i've been so on the go at times like today that i feel pushed for time
today was a gym day so i dropped off ems at school, popped to my mum's house and filled the water thing up in the car. took dude to the gym for creche at 9.30am. then it was my gym session, core 30 mins, running 40 mins then zumba 1 hr (1001 cals burnt).
i got to my parent's house for 12.15 as my dad picked up ems from school. fed dude, emily and myself. took him to nursery. came home and picked up my shopping list.
went to asda with devil child who drove me round the bend. came home and put it away. darted off to the post office to post a parcel for hubby. got the car washed. had a shower (first available time slot but was having my hair done so fit in well). i then went to the hairdressers.
i then popped into a local community ctr to find out about the time that zumba is on on fridays there. was shut
, the off back to the post office to pick up a parcel as it wasn't there until 4pm. picked up dude, came home, cooked mince and dumplings with veg and mash for the kids. had my salad for tea and it's now 6.20pm. kids will be put to bed at 7pm, bathed etc.
then i can relax and breath but this is the time i start picking at food, or want to pick.
i quite like being on the go as it does stop me picking. although i hate jam packed days where i'm clock watching and feel time pressurised.
hi nikki, god your day sounds manic. i couldnt do that and drink all the water! how do you manage with going to the loo?
anyway, today is day 1 ss for me. i am finally in the right head space and have laid to rest a lot of the upset from the past few months. feel ready to restart so wish me luck. feeling sick atm, so might go lie down until i pick the kids up. have booked a holiday in June so have some motivation now to get up and finish my journey.
anyway, today is day 1 ss for me. i am finally in the right head space and have laid to rest a lot of the upset from the past few months. feel ready to restart so wish me luck. feeling sick atm, so might go lie down until i pick the kids up. have booked a holiday in June so have some motivation now to get up and finish my journey.
great things
Gold Member
how did the meeting go? hope you are ok now.
hey nikki! so lovely to have you on here, you are such a support. today i have good news for you. I have completed my first week of ss 100% (ok, and some shaky nibbles mingled in so not quite 100%). I lost 7lbs and am on week 2 now. i never thought i would get in the zone again but am firmly here and ready to get to goal now. the meet went really well. the occ health woman was lovely and agreed with everything i said. she wrote to work saying i was not in a good enough place to come back for a while. cant beleive iworked myself up so much!
anyway, hoping i keep on track this week and manage to lose another few pounds. i have 1.5 stones to get to my ultimate goal but even losing a stone will be fine. off to catch up on the diaries now!
anyway, hoping i keep on track this week and manage to lose another few pounds. i have 1.5 stones to get to my ultimate goal but even losing a stone will be fine. off to catch up on the diaries now!
Had a really horrid few weeks. Ashamed to say I have been comfort eating. I am now one and half stone from goal. I am ashamed and fat and horrible and a big fat failure. Everything is going wrong and I feel outta control. The mask is slipping!
BUT. This is a big but: tomorrow is a new day. I am back on cd until I get to goal. I have jacked in work. Things can only get better. I will be more positive and tomorrow is a new start. Food does not comfort me. It taunts me, it abuses me and crushes my self esteem. I need to regain control of my feelings and lose some weight. Does anyone have any faith in me? Is anyone willing to support me despite my many failures? I hope so. I need some support. My first goal is to lose ten pounds in the first four weeks. Please support me if you can.
BUT. This is a big but: tomorrow is a new day. I am back on cd until I get to goal. I have jacked in work. Things can only get better. I will be more positive and tomorrow is a new start. Food does not comfort me. It taunts me, it abuses me and crushes my self esteem. I need to regain control of my feelings and lose some weight. Does anyone have any faith in me? Is anyone willing to support me despite my many failures? I hope so. I need some support. My first goal is to lose ten pounds in the first four weeks. Please support me if you can.
great things
Gold Member
Leeds ((((hugs))))! You know that we are ALL here for you no matter! Dont stress it!!!! That weight will be gone asap!
hi friends, shanny and nikki you are always there for me!!
so, its day 3 for me, was violently headachey for a few days but seem to be coming out of it now and am losing some pounds. god, the number of times i have lost and gained the same 7 pounds in the last 3 months! shocking. anyway, day 3 and i feel better mood wise and the pounds are slowly peeling away. I am not 100% as keep having slip ups but the main thing is that I have started and am determined to stay positive.
so, its day 3 for me, was violently headachey for a few days but seem to be coming out of it now and am losing some pounds. god, the number of times i have lost and gained the same 7 pounds in the last 3 months! shocking. anyway, day 3 and i feel better mood wise and the pounds are slowly peeling away. I am not 100% as keep having slip ups but the main thing is that I have started and am determined to stay positive.
great things
Gold Member
it's the trying that is good. loads of us are reading beck. there's a beck thread on the maintenance thread. positive thinking. you can do this!
loads of us are reading beck. there's a beck thread on the maintenance thread. positive thinking. you can do this!
