Friday 20th October
To be honest this was one of the worst days of 2006 for me. I didn’t sleep very well last night because of my nervousness about meeting Joy’s owner (the horse I am interested in getting on loan) and I ended up having a bath at 6.30am to try and relax. I really wanted to have a good lesson in case the owner turned up early to watch. Not only that my friend, and my husband were watching and I wanted them to see Joy and I at our best. As it was the owner didn’t watch which is a good job because I had the worst ride ever. If I hadn’t have paid £22.50p for it I would have got straight back off because it did more harm than good for both Joy and I. Joy picked up on just how nervous and unsettled I was and took advantage by pulling all the tricks in the book and I just sat there like a novice and let her. I deliberately stopped several times on the verge of just taking her back to the barn and my riding instructor and I had a few long chats but quite frankly I had no confidence and hated every moment of the lesson. All day I have been catastrophsising the situation. I’m useless, not good enough to ride, own a horse, be a mother, deserve such a wonderful family…
My husband bought me back down to earth with some sensible talking tonight. Days like this which were filled with self doubt and loathing used to be fairly common place which I dealt with by some mighty binging sessions. Days where I was depressed but not filled with self loathing were dealt with in the same way. I’d have at least a few self loathing days a month and 2-3 depressed days a weeks but thanks to the therapy I received on LL this is the first of either type in 5 months. Although I overate at dinner tonight and made choices I would not have done on a ‘normal’ day, I didn’t have a comfort binge and this reflects the biggest change in my attitude since starting LL. I can’t believe that it didn’t even occur to me to turn to food for comfort. Yes I wallowed (and am still wallowing) in self pity but I have not pressed the self destruct button or either considered it, I just got the portion control on tonights meal completely wrong!
The LL therapy has helped me to see how they actually are and apply perspective. I simply couldn’t concentrate because I had built up today to such an extent in my mind that I had unrealistic expectations of perfection (all or nothing crocked thinking) that I couldn’t ever hope to achieve so that the disappointment and self loathing just fuelled the fire and I could see no way out.
Today I ate chocolate porridge, veg ‘stir fry’, 2 jelly with yoghurt tops, raw veg snack, a late evening Indian consisting of ½ plate of salad (I have never eaten the salad that comes with an Indian so this was a first), a lentil and veg dish (can’t remember the name – didn’t realise it had some potato in it but chose this over others because they did list potato in the ingredients so a good conscious choice off an Indian menu), pashwari nan bread (is stuffed with coconut and raisins so terrible choice as not even close to being on the plan at this stage!), tandoori mixed grill (great choice – but was tough and complete gross, didn’t stop me eating all of it which was far too much) yoghurt and mint sauce (fine) and 4 papadoms (terrible). Note that apart from the bread I chose the best options on the menu for my particular management week, the papadoms came free and I couldn’t resist them. I don’t like eating so late (9pm start) but the Indian was so busy this was the earliest they could do it for.
So it’s back on the bandwagon for me again for at least the next 2 days, probably 3 to pay for tonight’s choices!
Management for me is able being able to make choices rather than being led my emotions. It is about overeating sometimes but hopefully not getting into and emotion driven binge because the 2 issue are entirely separate.
I don’t want to completely exclude ‘bad foods’ from my life unless I quite simply can't control myself. I just want to be able to eat well on the whole with the occasional ‘bad food’ thrown in but paid for by making healthier choices in preparation for it or in payment for it if it wasn’t planned 2-3 days before partaking.
Morning weight: 10st 7.6lbs
Activity: 1 hour or riding
Water: Crap – 2 litres
I completed the LL homework: Nope, except for diary
I stuck to the listed food and quantity: Nope, overate and ate foods not on the plan.
Day 27 of the route to management completed.