My nightmare from last night.

[chicken on a mission]

I was woken this morning by a nightmare that has really shaken me up.

It starts off where hubby and are driving and talking as usual when he made a comment that ‘perhaps I should just eat normally instead of just getting away with the bear minimum’ and then did a false laugh. I in my usual way say ‘I beg your pardon, what did you just say?’ at which point he knows he has offended me because my tone is very thick with anger but repeats what he said anyway and we are both looking for a fight.

I tell him that if he actually bothered to look at what I ate he would see that I ate loads but that is tended to be the right stuff and that I now have a healthy attitude to food which is more than I can say for him because he still hasn’t got a f***ing clue! At which point I get out of the car which has stopped at this point (luckily), slam the door and start walking home feeling extremely guilty that my daughter was sitting in the back witnessing this exchange and that I been so touchy about it because it had touched a nerve and I obviously wasn’t as ‘together’ in my my head as I thought despite not needing to struggle to get my nutrition right.

When I finally get home I find he has locked me out and my car has gone as well as well as his and that he has gone away and taken our daughter with him.

My immediate hot thoughts are concern for the welfare of our daughter because he has never lived up to my standards of what a meal should consist of and doesn’t provide a routine so she knows where she stands. That is the worst bit of the dream for me because in it I don't trust my hubby to look after our duaghter and am not at all upset about him being gone, just angry.

Before I know it what was an irritated exchange of words between a hubby and wife in a pretty good marriage has escalated into divorce and me criticising his parenting skills and being frightened for the future of our daughter. It was an awful way to wake up and I am still shaken now.

What I am getting from this nightmare is that I need to be careful about being the controlling parent to ‘make’ others start to work through their own food problems in the way that I have been so lucky enough to be able to do and that this will be a lifelong struggle.

I need to stand back and try to lead by example and hope that others can follow. I need to be careful that I don’t alienate others by being too zealous and extreme in my views on 'bad' food and try to strike a balance.

I see this dream as a warning and am grateful for it even though I am now having a very low day.

 

[Isobel1965]

Oh Chicken - my heart goes out to you, hun! That must have been a devastating dream for you and it'll take you a bit of time to get over the shock of it. It does with me, anyway!

HUGS to you and I hope you feel better really soon.

 

[KD]

Oh goodness chicken. It gives you such a shake up doesn't it.

I need to be careful that I don’t alienate others by being too zealous and extreme in my views on 'bad' food and try to strike a balance.

Very true. There are no bad foods really. I think it's really important that food doesn't become a big issue in the house. It was a promise I made to myself when I gave birth as there was no way I was going to have my kids blame me for a eating disorder

I've suffered from vivid dreams and nightmares since I was a small child. Some of them have been quite amusing once I've got over the shock on waking.

I remember the one where Cambridge insisted that I had lost too much weight and ordered Chutney Spires (who???? ) to bring round a full English breakfast each day. She was so cross, she posted it through the letterbox

Then there was the other about me desperately searching the house looking for my fat and hearing my DH tell someone that he had hidden it in the wardrobe, but not to tell anyone or if I found it, I'd put it all back on

It's good if you can learn from your dreams. Not sure if I learnt anything from the above too

 

[chicken on a mission]

Thank you so much for being so understanding.

It has really helped me to get this all out in writing and now I just have to try and stay away from my mums house today because she has acurate scales and it is my weigh in tonight anyway.

I have found this past week such a struggle to stay on the wagon since discovering that I am a size 14 (hips not waist as that is now starting to catch up).

I really want to know what my weight is tonight and I know it is so that I can obsess over how long I might have to continue to ss until I might be to where I need to be weight wise.

I hate being so obsessive which is why I am so anti scales in between weigh ins and I just seem to swap one obsession for another

I don't want to start on conventional food to binge or eat rubbish, I just want to feel like a part of family life again. I hate it that my 3 years is so matter of fact about the fact that muumy is only allowed food packs and I want to start setting an example for her.

The trouble is that looking in the mirror (when I'm dressed) is like seeing an old friend (I have only started to put on weight in the last 12 years or so) and the temptation to stop whilst still over weight but 'not that bad compared to everyone else' is getting stronger. Especially since the nice comments are coming in thick and fast now. I'm actually happy with myself from the ribs upwards.

I have a history of sabotaging my goals for fear of failing because my best won't be good enough I am desparate to break the cycle this time so that I can set an example to myself of just what can be achieved if I can just risk failing.

I am never the best I can be because I never see anything through. I know what I have to do, I just have to keep on doing what I have been doing but this is especially hard for me considering that I have pretty much sailed through ssing until now.

Thank god for the forum because I need it now.

 

[KD]

and the temptation to stop whilst still over weight but 'not that bad compared to everyone else' is getting stronger.

Oh, I know that one. That's the devil that takes over when we get closer to goal

Take it for what it is...just the chatterbox talking. This is your chance to get to where you really want to be. Don't settle for 2nd best, you're worth more than that.

 

[chicken on a mission]

Thanks karion.

I have to admit that I had never really heard my chatterbox talking until this week because I had sailed through up until now. That was one of those sessions that I dodn't actually get anything out of but it's coming back to bite me on the bum now

I always thought it was because I had actually managed to get myself in parent mode but a comment (I can't remember from who) on the DH a few weeks back started the doubt.

I think that I too have been doing the right thing by being the perfect adaptive child rather than being in adult mode. Now my free child is kicking in a rebelling.

I just hope that what I have learnt so far in LL is the difference that makes me fight the habit of a lifetime and actually change rather than just talking about it.

Right, I'm off to distract myself through the day as I have so often advised others to do

My daughter is at playscheme and this is my housework day so I have to make the most of it so we can have fun for the rest of the week.

Later I will be dipping into the LL book again to focus my mind on my goals but until then, distraction, distraction, distraction

 

[DQ]

Oh dear, Chicken, I hope you are feeling better now. Scary how the mind works isn't it?!

I remember the one where Cambridge insisted that I had lost too much weight and ordered Chutney Spires (who???? ) to bring round a full English breakfast each day. She was so cross, she posted it through the letterbox

I remember those ones - now that is a scary prospect!!

 

[chicken on a mission]

I just wanted to say a big thank you to all who replied to my thread today

I got through the day in a bad mood but didn't waver. I had my LL meeting tonight and am firmly back to be the old positive chicken I have been prior to this terrible week.

The meeting helped me to focus and it turns out that for the majority of us, this was the killer week so I am not alone.

I lost 4.5lbs this week to take me to 12st 6.6lbs and a loss to date of 3st 11lbs in 80 days so it looks like I will crack the 4 stone before the end of the foundation stage although I take nothing for granted

I have booked an appointment with my hairdresser on 22nd of August to have a neat daytime style done for my 'after' shots so I look a bit more presentable.

I now have just over a stone to go to take me to my maximum healthy weight of 11st 5lbs but I do want to get just under 10 1/2 stone so that even working up to the outer limits of my 3lb comfort zone I will be under 10 1/2 stone. Might have to readjust that idea near the time depending on how I look. Based on that I have another 2 months ssing to go from now.

I am now ready to face those that think I should stop now and comitted to getting to the weight that suits me.


A special mention for Debbie who achieved a big goal for her tonight too. Well done

 

[Flopster]

Chicken, that is amazing! You are doing brilliantly well.

I have only just read about your nightmare and think it is probably not wise to analyse any more at this time of night!

 

[Russiandoll]

Aww bless you chicken for giving me a mention!

I'd just like to say a huge well done for holding it together today: I know it's been a toughie for you but you've come up trumps with a great weight loss AND a little more insight into the whole 'head-game' that can make or break this losing weight lark. You really are learning a lot about yourself and are happy to share that wisdom with us: I for one find your observations invaluable in my own journey.

It's your whole approach that convinces me that you're going to be one of the '1 in 10' who not only loses weight but keeps it off. You are a true star and inspire me with your sheer dogged determination!

Onwards and downwards chicken!!

Debbie x

 

[chicken on a mission]

It's your whole approach that convinces me that you're going to be one of the '1 in 10' who not only loses weight but keeps it off. You are a true star and inspire me with your sheer dogged determination!

Wow, thanks for that and I can say exactly the same about you

I am so paranoid that the weight will go back on because (up until last week - ok again now) I always knew I would lose the weight without too much bother but that 1/10 statistic was always mocking me which is why I have tried to look inwards right from the start.

Thanks for getting back to me so soon. Just waiting for my mum to make initial contact with your CDC. I think she only wants to shift a couple of stone as she is happy being overweight and doesn't think that being within the normal BMI range suits her.