New and Improved Bee's Diary on SW

[WasMicci]

Warped relationship with food. I can SO understand. Not eating has meant weight loss for me too, for so many years. I have been in a bing / fast cycle for umpteen years and really do think I've mostly come out of it. At least, I'm not binging now but who can say what the future will hold? And am not fasting anymore either, I've done too much and just can't do it anymore.

Someone I was listening to on youtube was saying that binging and fasting are two sides of the coin, they are both about control. I'm not completely sure about that as I felt like I was out of control when binging, but maybe, looking back, circumstances around me were out of my control and horrible, it was me putting food into my mouth and I was choosing to do that.

Another confession - a scales addiction. Do / did you have that? At one time I was on the scales every time I went upstairs. Now, I've not got them out for months and then only because I needed to weigh a parcel I was sending to my daughter.

Oh, and bananas. They puzzle me. They are now Super Free and I thought they weren't. In fact, although this was not official SW doctrine, going easy on the bananas was advised to speed up loss.

 

[BeeBeeSee]

It sounds like you're ahead of me, the fast/binge cycle has been part of my "waking" years (as in for as long as I can remember), even from early childhood on. Being taught to choose only the healthy foods but not given quantities is a tricky one for me, it's the balancing act that many people with no weight issues and a healthy metabolism get instinctively right. And I have lost/never had that instinct. And therefore fasting is still in my head the only way to control food, it's like I function on either "on" or "off" setting, there is nothing inbetween. I'm hoping to get funding to see my therapist again, she did help me a lot and I haven't seen her in a while because the funding was withdrawn and I can't afford to pay for it privately.
Bingeing and control are a funny one, they seem to be an oxymoron but the more I think about it, the more I believe that it is very much about control. It a way of exercising force and power that overrides a natural instinct (when to stop) and that is control being out of control. Does that make any sense?

The scales actually with me were my cryptonite, just going near them or being in the same room would make me feel bad instantly, and I would almost feel their presence. But as soon as I'd be on one of my extreme diets, I'd weigh every day just to keep things in check. I'm trying very hard to not weigh at home now seeing as I go to the meetings.

And because WI is in the evening fully clothed (obviously haha!), when I weigh in the morning in my pj's, the result would be quite different anyway so I can't really gauge it properly so I have to stop doing that.

Yea, I was surprised bananas were on there. Plus, bananas vary so much in size, having one banana is not the same as having one banana. So I have to, as you say, go easy on them. It makes a lot of sense.

 

[lynneonextante]

Hi Bee. Thought I'd look out for you on here. Just visiting to see how you're getting on. Looks good!

 

[BeeBeeSee]

Aw hey Lynne! Welcome to my humble SW diary

I'm still finding my feet, I haven't lost much really, last week it was 2.5lb which was nice but it's weigh in tonight and I got the sneaky feeling it might not have moved. So here I am, practising contentment with eating healthily and trying not to fret about the scales. Tall order.

 

[lynneonextante]

Really hope you do well on SW Bee. I struggle whatever plan I follow! Good luck with your weigh in tonight - hope you've done well!

 

[BeeBeeSee]

Lynne, I really feel for you because I'm exactly the same. Although I have some concrete weight loss goals, I don't want to obsess too much about them because they can actually demotivate rather than help. It's a bit like looking up to the peak of a mountain when you've just started climbing at the foot of it. It's best to just focus on having a firm grip with every step and every once in a while stop and check the progress and be pleased for it, even if it's only small.

 

[BeeBeeSee]

Oof, just resisted a Twix. I'm quite proud of myself. Funny how it's that feeling of instant deprivation when I say no to something. In reality though, it's such a good choice to make, I should feel stronger for it. What is wrong with me!

 

[lynneonextante]

Well done for resisting Bee! I've had an exante shake and a bar so far today and am having a bbq for tea. I'm doing a mixture of exante and calorie counting. Off work for 3 weeks too so getting more exercise in. Going for a long walk with the dog shortly.

 

[BeeBeeSee]

Ok, people, it was my weigh in tonight and I was totally convinced that I either stayed the same or gained. Here's the result: 4.5lb off!!
How on earth is this even possible? I'm so confused. Happy, but confused. Anyways, it's my half stone mark after two weeks on SW, so I am chuffed

 

[WasMicci]

That's wonderful news! Fasting and deprivation are not the only way. That is so good

 

[BeeBeeSee]

Thanks Micci! The loss has really spurred me on in thinking this is the way forward. Had a very enjoyable little dinner with two amazing oranges (coz I can have lots of fruit hehehe) for dessert. Yum. I'll awake a happy girl tomorrow morning.

 

[WasMicci]

:8855:Two oranges :8855:Lots of fruit. :8855:It's OK you can really push the boat out and have another one before you go to bed if you like. Yes, I am laughing, but truely not in a nasty way, just that our perspectives are so different. coming from different backgrounds in the weight loss arena as we do.

 

[BeeBeeSee]

Hey Micci, I've not been near a computer these last couple of days. Yes, I suppose our views of quantities are so subjective and coloured by past experiences and doctrines
So, you don't think 2 oranges are a lot? Because I tend to feel quite naughty having two pieces of fruit in a row. Or when I'm mega munchy, I'll have half a melon and feel rather greedy.

Other than that, I have had two decent enough days. Yesterday was a bit of a pain, I was in work meetings all day and lunch was provided and of course they were white rolls with everything I wouldn't eat like cheese coleslaw. I couldn't have brought my own lunch, it would have been super awkward as we worked through the lunch with our legal team so I prepared by having a really sizeable breakfast that kept me going of two eggs, a yogurt, and something else I can't remember right now. I think some baked beans. And at lunch I ate the bare minimum of ham rolls seeing as cooked ham is free and that saw me through.
At least I was able to sort of count it as syns with reasonable guestimates.

Waiting for my tesco delivery with lovely fruit and veg, and tons of chickpeas too, I'm really looking forward to making those spicy chick pea patties.

 

[WasMicci]

Gosh, a working lunch sounds a real predicament. Your approach sounds so very sensible. It's hard to resist picking away when it's there, everyone else is eating and the focus is more on the work so flipping well done you for not succumbing.

I hope the chick pea patties turn out well for you, the recipe looks good.

 

[BeeBeeSee]

Thanks Micci! Yea I was quite proud of myself for steering clear of the crisps they served with the sandwiches. At least there were no sweets or biscuits, I would have found that harder to resist. I do like my biscuits. And I just need one to get a taste for it and on the way home I'd end up picking up a pack and having half of it. Vicious cycle.

 

[BeeBeeSee]

My food yesterday:

BF:
2 slices wholemeal bread (mostly HexB plus 2syns) with marmite
Muller light yogurt
1 orange

lunch:
left over chilli con carne with some rice and 1 chopped red pepper

dinner:
rice salad with 1 onion, tuna and capers and some olive oil (2 syns)

afters:
2 apples, 2 oranges

Total syns: 4

 

[BeeBeeSee]

Ok, Thursdays are hard days for me, long day at work and stuff in the evening and no matter how well balanced my dinner is, when I come home late, I am so hungry! Every Thursday I am determined not to give in this time.
Fail.
Had 2 pickled eggs, an apple and a yogurt. *sigh* Wish I could have done without that. Feeling a tad under the weather, headache and beginnings of a sore throat. I hope I don't end up on a lovely long weekend with a cold

 

[WasMicci]

Oh, those tired munchies! I've a tatty old worn out tee shirt for that particulare experience. But was it so bad? I mean, as opposed to gazillions of litres of wine, or a plate of choccie biscuits? Noooo, it was an apple (free) eggs (free) and a yoghurt, presumably not that synny? And the rest of the day was on plan? And you;ve had the requisite number of syns and healthy extras and all that?

This does not seem to me to be an occasion for wailing and gnashing of teeth and falling off the waggon. You'll be fine on WI day.

 

[BeeBeeSee]

Thank you Micci for the reassurance, it does help a lot. Strange that it affects me so much emotionally. I'm in a bad place at the moment, I'm sticking to all the right foods, never go over my syns and yet I feel bad every time I eat. It's not a great frame of mind as in the past this would have sent me first into some major fasting following by a major binge.
It doesn't help that I had the worst haircut of my life last night. I cried the whole night. It sounds so pathetic. But I was on treatment a couple of years ago and my hair started falling out at an alarming rate. Thankfully I didn't lose it all but it was very thin and took a lot of TLC and supplements to restore it. Now it was quite long and I had decided on a nice haircut and she messed it up so so badly!
It is only hair at the end of the day, it's not a botched operation. But all the anxiety and feeling a lot less womanly from the time of the treatment started washing over me again.

 

[BeeBeeSee]

Food diary today:

BF:
Mueller light yogurt
1 apple
1 pear

Lunch:
2 slices wholemeal bread (HexB)
Marmite
2 pickled eggs
Baby plum tomatoes
grapes

Dinner:
Homemade free chickensoup with lots of carrots and celery


Milk in coffee for HexA

Syns so far:
Bread 2 (The HexB allowance is 60g but 2 slices are 78g so I worked out it's just under 2 syns for the extra)