New and Improved Bee's Diary on SW

[WasMicci]

Thank you Micci for the reassurance, it does help a lot. Strange that it affects me so much emotionally. I'm in a bad place at the moment, I'm sticking to all the right foods, never go over my syns and yet I feel bad every time I eat. It's not a great frame of mind as in the past this would have sent me first into some major fasting following by a major binge.
It doesn't help that I had the worst haircut of my life last night. I cried the whole night. It sounds so pathetic. But I was on treatment a couple of years ago and my hair started falling out at an alarming rate. Thankfully I didn't lose it all but it was very thin and took a lot of TLC and supplements to restore it. Now it was quite long and I had decided on a nice haircut and she messed it up so so badly!
It is only hair at the end of the day, it's not a botched operation. But all the anxiety and feeling a lot less womanly from the time of the treatment started washing over me again.

That is so understandable. Bad haircuts are bad enough as it is, without the feelings it brought back for you. Are you feeling any better yet? And have you found a way to arrange your hair so it looks better? Ye gods and little fishes, it's so rare to find someone come away from a hair dressing session happy with what they've got.

My daughter and I went for one of the cheap modelling sessions at Vidal Sassoon once. We were in separate rooms, and I was quite unhappy with the way they made my hair 'big' but as it was for the hairdresser's portfolio and she was happy with it I didn't say anything. Knowing that I could damp it down and brush it and it would be the slightly shorter cut I wanted under all the products and styling. Then I went to collect my daughter who had been in the hands of a very stylish bunch of Italians from Milan and oh my, she looked amazing. But she was so unhappy, she couldn't talk as she walked stiff upper lipped from the room. We went into the toilets to repair the damage and she was gutted as it was a very geometrical and 'edgy' style and she had wanted something she could grow her hair long from. I felt a need to contact all her friends that I could to get them to rally round and tell her that although it was not the style she wanted it was a remarkably good cut. She never liked it though and cut it out as soon as she had the length again to do so.

Just sharing the story to share the fact I've seen someone suffer at the hands of a hairdresser. But not with the overtones that your experience had, so I really do hope you are feeling better soon.


This binging and fasting thing. Pah, hard one. I'd hope that in a few weeks in you will begin to trust this more. You do need to find your balance with food. And you will, I am sure you will. It is a question of getting in tune with your hunger, and trusting that is is allowed to eat when you are hungry.

If you are feeling as bad as you are, then you are doing really well not to be plunging into the fasting and binging cycle. Wait till you've been weighted next week. I'd lay high odds you'll have a good loss again.

 

[lynneonextante]

Hi Bee. How are you feeling today. I'm sorry you've not been too good also about your haircut. The only time my hair ever looks decent is when I've been to the hairdressers. I'm sure they sell very different shampoos and conditioners to the ones they use. Whenever I've done my hair it is all over the place and totally unmanageable but when they do it it looks sleek and feels really soft too. Very few women seem to be happy with their hair. I know your experience is different because of the feelings it brought back so I hope you are feeling better today.

 

[BeeBeeSee]

Hi Bee. How are you feeling today. I'm sorry you've not been too good also about your haircut. The only time my hair ever looks decent is when I've been to the hairdressers. I'm sure they sell very different shampoos and conditioners to the ones they use. Whenever I've done my hair it is all over the place and totally unmanageable but when they do it it looks sleek and feels really soft too. Very few women seem to be happy with their hair. I know your experience is different because of the feelings it brought back so I hope you are feeling better today.

Yea, I'm feeling alright. I found a way of styling my hair that looks semi decent. I have started avoiding the mirror when I have my hair down. It'll take a while until I get used to it, hoping that once it has grown another inch or so I can chop the ugly bits off. Aaaanyways

Had a good weekend foodwise, got my weigh in tonight, trying not to be too optimistic but hoping for 2lb. Can't believe I've been doing SW for 3 weeks already, definitely liking it.

I have made the chick pea patties mixture, let it settle over night and will cook them tonight, didn't use egg or milk so technically they are vegan, although I wasn't aiming for it. But with a mashed potato in it, it bound really well.

Will report back

 

[WasMicci]

Fingers crossed you will report back with the right sort of figures

 

[lynneonextante]

Here's hoping for a good loss Bee!

 

[BeeBeeSee]

Okaaaay, here's the result of weigh in week 3: 4lb off!

I am over the moon! I still cannot believe how much I have been eating in these last three weeks and to have lost a total of 11lb doing it, is such a joy. I can see myself doing this right through to goal. This weekend coming I'm on a little trip with a few friends so I know that I will go slightly off plan but I will make sensible choices along the way and stay on free foods as much as possible. I am taking a bag full of fruit to snack on and I'm just looking forward to a break.

My chick pea patties were amazing! I just finished two, the mixture makes at least 6 generous patties so they are very cost effective too. They do fall apart a bit because they hold quite a bit of moisture. I am contemplating using a little rice flour to bind them and soak up the excess moisture, and if I count the syns, I reckon it would be something like 1 syn per two patties. Which is fine! They are the size of burgers and very filling.
I made a spicy dip to go with it with capers ( I LOVE capers!) and a huge plate of salad and it was so satisfying! Shall be doing lots more of them and I'm sure they will freeze well too.

 

[WasMicci]

You are doing so well! Nearly a stone so soon. You've inspired me to try the patties, I DO like chick peas. Besan flour is a good binder too, I night try that, as I have some readily to hand.

Enjoy your trip away with your friends.

 

[lynneonextante]

Brilliant Mrs!!!!!

 

[BeeBeeSee]

Thanks Lynne & Micci! I am almost dreading this weekend foodwise because I'm on such a straight run at the moment. Lunches and dinners will be a tad tricky but come Monday night, I'm back home and back on track. So I guess I'm just going to look at it as a little treat but remind myself of 11lb off! That should hopefully stop me from going mad.

Strange thing is that I don't feel a difference in size yet. At all. My clothes fit just the same as they did 11lb ago. I know I have a lot to lose but I wonder if it's the amount of carbs I consume that make me a bit bloated although I'm losing the weight.

What I'm really into at the moment are layered salads. So for lunch tomorrow I have a chopped red pepper as the bottom layer, then I put some fromage frais on top and sprinkled with fresh coriander. Then a layer of chopped cucumber and then another layer of chickpea pattie mix which is almost a bit like stuffing when it's uncooked. Off into the fridge and by tomorrow it'll be all yummy when I stir it through.

 

[BeeBeeSee]

Yesterday's food diary:

BF: red pepper, melon, 2 weetabix (HexB), 100ml semi-sk milk (HexA), muller light yogurt

Lunch: pepper, cucumber, chickpea salad with fromage frais and herbs, banana

Dinner: steamed celery and carrots, 2 quorn sausages (2 syns)

Evening snack: 1 apple, 1 pear (both tiny), bowl of strawberries and some fromage frais


Felt quite good with a low carby dinner, I have to rein the carbs in a little because I'm feeling a bit starched up. So my plan is to have one meal a day that is low carb apart from the bit that's in veggies and/or fruit.

 

[BeeBeeSee]

Really starting to feel a bit rough now with sore throat, ear ache and an altogether blocked head. So annoying because I'm off on a long weekend to London on Saturday and the last thing I want is being full of cold and altogether miserable. I'm sure my friends share that sentiment

 

[BeeBeeSee]

Really struggling with food cravings tonight. It's probably partly PMT build up, but also not feeling well. My instinctive reaction to this would be to eat. And apart from the fact that I don't fancy fruit or yogurt right now, I really want to get away from replacing bad foods with good foods, I just don't want to turn to food at all. It's a bit like using substitute swear words. They might not be as bad as the "originals" but it would be good not to feel the need for strong expression in the first place.

 

[WasMicci]

How strong that statement is. Not replacing 'bad' food with 'good' food is indeed still using food as a prop. I suppose that you are at work now? Is there ANY way you can find to give yourself some nurturing that you so obviously need?

Just expressing and acknowledging the feelings can help, but it does sound like you need some TLC. Is there anyway you can see resisting the eating impulse as a nurturing act in itself?

Get well soon X

 

[BeeBeeSee]

How strong that statement is. Not replacing 'bad' food with 'good' food is indeed still using food as a prop. I suppose that you are at work now? Is there ANY way you can find to give yourself some nurturing that you so obviously need?

Just expressing and acknowledging the feelings can help, but it does sound like you need some TLC. Is there anyway you can see resisting the eating impulse as a nurturing act in itself?

Get well soon X

Hey Micci, it's been ages since my last post, thank you for your nice words. We are always able to find the right words for others, yet hardly ever for ourselves.
It has taken me all morning to think about whether to post this or not (ED rearing its ugly head big time). But I had a really good weekend but almost unable to be happy about it because I ate and drank what I wanted and in my mind it had guilt written all over it. I ended up describing it in my head as a total blow out which it probably wasn't because I had normal regular meals with my friends, and yes including treats and desserts too. It made me sleep badly last night because everytime I would wake up it was the first thing on my mind. Today I have not been able to snap out of it yet. It's terribly out of proportion, the way the mind works sometimes. Instead of just being happy about a wonderful weekend I had with my friends, I feel like I have undone the work of the last four weeks. And although I know that I haven't, that it's actually impossible to do that in four days, I can't fight that feeling of failure right at this moment. I know it will pass. It always does. But it's more like a dormant vulcano. It might not be active a lot of the time, but it's always there and when it hits, it hits hard. *sniff*

 

[BeeBeeSee]

Just expressing and acknowledging the feelings can help, but it does sound like you need some TLC. Is there anyway you can see resisting the eating impulse as a nurturing act in itself?

I meant to comment on this. This was a really powerful question I thought. I read a synopsis of a book that I might get for myself to do with my upbringing and childhood etc and I can see a pattern there of always putting myself out there for others, saying no to helping them results in instant feelings of guilt and the more I take on, the more overwhelming the need is for me to compensate, to take some of that pressure off. And the only way I seem to know is to eat in those moments.
But one of the points in that synopsis was that people of that particular background (and I suppose that is true of a lot of people) need to learn that they deserve to be taken care of as much as everyone else, and that includes taking care of oneself. Not in a selfish me-first attitude. But caring for yourself the way you care for and look after someone you love. It's a work in progress.

 

[WasMicci]

Ha, look, you sort my head and I'll help you with your's OK? I'm here for a second as I'm shattered and on my way to bed. Was that book called Nice girls finish fat? Great title. I'm oK, pulling myself together but really disappointed in myself for falling back into old habits when the stress hit.

Good night.

 

[BeeBeeSee]

Ha, look, you sort my head and I'll help you with your's OK? I'm here for a second as I'm shattered and on my way to bed. Was that book called Nice girls finish fat? Great title. I'm oK, pulling myself together but really disappointed in myself for falling back into old habits when the stress hit.

Good night.

Hey Micci, yes I know exactly what you mean about falling back into old habits. They are always there lurking under the surface. The book I was looking at was called Will I ever be good enough? It's not focused on eating disorders but explains a lot for me. I like the title of the one you mentioned, will look it up.

How are you feeling today?

 

[BeeBeeSee]

Had a stupid day yesterday, ate very little throughout the day, kept an eye on calories, about 500 by the time I was getting ready for bed. And then ended eating a whole bag of mini chocolates. One gazillion syns right there. So I thought I cannot go on in this cycle of bingeing and then follow it up with a punishing day of eating only fruit and veg and not much of those either.

So today has been a good normal day so far:

BF: chopped apple and pear with FF FF (fat free fromage frais )
a scrambled goose egg (goose egg!!! never had one of those before. They are huuuuuuge.)

Lunch: banana, apple, apricot (not very hungry)

Not had dinner yet but I reckon it's going to be steamed fish and veg. and then a yogurt with my weetabix for afters

 

[BeeBeeSee]

What is wrong with me!!! I have had a couple of good days last week and other than that have thrown myself full throttle back into old habits. I am so annoyed. It is so strange how being in the wrong place emotionally means that none of the things that motivated you before mean anything to you now. Got to stop overthinking it and just get on with SW. *beating up of self in progress*

 

[WasMicci]

YES, the teeny teeny little voice pathetically squeeks 'is this a good idea, would doing something else be a better idea?' and the loud dominant voice says, 'bugger off, I want to eat, I don't care what size I am, I just want to cram this in, and this, and this'. Am working on this ...