O/T Put your Xmas funnies here!
- Thread starter SpaceAngel
- Start date
Susiewoosie
In it to lose it
SpaceAngel
I ate my willpower!
'Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.
The sweet-coated santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.
My droll little mouth and my round little belly,
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn
Gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry--
If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
In the morning I'll starve... 'til I take that first bite!
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.
The sweet-coated santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.
My droll little mouth and my round little belly,
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn
Gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry--
If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
In the morning I'll starve... 'til I take that first bite!
A burglar gets into a cottage in the dead of night. He's in the living room and he's thinking to himself, "Mmm, I'll have that telly, dvd player, oh,.. and I'll have those silver candlesticks..."
Suddenly a voice shouts out: "I can see you, and Jesus can see you!"
The burglar nearly jumps out of his skin and looks round to see if there's anyone else in the room. All he sees is a parrot on a perch.
He says to the parrot, after catching his breath, "Was that you?" and the parrot says, "Yeah."
The burglar says, "So you're a talking parrot then?"
The parrot replies, "I am".
"Phew, you nearly did for me there. What's your name?"
"Archibald," the parrot says.
"Archibald?" laughs the burglar, "That's a funny name for a parrot isn't it?!"
"Not as funny as that Rottweiler over there called Jesus!"
__________________
Suddenly a voice shouts out: "I can see you, and Jesus can see you!"
The burglar nearly jumps out of his skin and looks round to see if there's anyone else in the room. All he sees is a parrot on a perch.
He says to the parrot, after catching his breath, "Was that you?" and the parrot says, "Yeah."
The burglar says, "So you're a talking parrot then?"
The parrot replies, "I am".
"Phew, you nearly did for me there. What's your name?"
"Archibald," the parrot says.
"Archibald?" laughs the burglar, "That's a funny name for a parrot isn't it?!"
"Not as funny as that Rottweiler over there called Jesus!"
__________________
hopefulbigchap
Full Member
SpaceAngel
I ate my willpower!
For Melanie!
SpaceAngel
I ate my willpower!
Hubby's idea of Xmas Lights!
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