O/T Put your Xmas funnies here!

Discussion in 'Slimming World' started by SpaceAngel, 15 December 2008 Social URL.

  1. SpaceAngel

    SpaceAngel I ate my willpower!

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    My Mum emailed me these this morning so I thought I would share them with everyone and please add your own Xmas funnys!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]
     
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  3. Annie68

    Annie68 Silver Member

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    I'm not very happy with my Woolworths Advent Calendar this year. All the windows are boarded up and there's bugger all inside :D
     
  4. emski

    emski Gold Member

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  5. SpaceAngel

    SpaceAngel I ate my willpower!

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    [​IMG]
     
  6. emski

    emski Gold Member

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  7. SpaceAngel

    SpaceAngel I ate my willpower!

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    [​IMG]
     
  8. charliegirl

    charliegirl Silver Member

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    Sorry I have none to add but had to say they made me chuckle...xx
     
  9. Susiewoosie

    Susiewoosie In it to lose it

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    Thanks for all these just whats needed on a dull and dreary day
     
  10. loobylou

    loobylou Reached Target. woohoo

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    When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

    Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

    When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

    Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

    Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

    Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
    The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

    And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
     
  11. loobylou

    loobylou Reached Target. woohoo

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    [​IMG]
     
  12. loobylou

    loobylou Reached Target. woohoo

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    Got this one, pmsl. xxx

    My dear friends,

    Somewhat embarrassing to admit, I'm not getting an annual bonus and Christmas is tight this year. I will be making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts. Please let me know your sizes. You'll most likely agree that it's a splendid idea, and should you wish to do the same, I've included the instructions below.

    How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads:

    You need four maxi pads to make a pair.
    Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part.
    The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top.
    Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part.

    Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers (this is most aesthetically appealing), etc.

    These slippers are:
    * Soft and Hygienic
    * Non-slip grip strips on the soles
    * Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh
    * No more bending over to mop up spills
    * Disposable and biodegradable
    * Environmentally safe
    * Three convenient sizes: (1.) Regular, (2.) Light and (3.) Get out the Sand Bags.

    I've attached a photo of the first pair I made so that you can see the nifty slippers for yourself....

    Awaiting your response. It's crucial that I get the right size for each one of you.

    [​IMG]
     
  13. loobylou

    loobylou Reached Target. woohoo

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    [​IMG]








    Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

    'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'


    The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.


    'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.


    The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'


    Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.


    The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.


    St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'






    The man replied, 'These are Carols.'





    And So The Christmas Season

    Begins......


     
  14. SpaceAngel

    SpaceAngel I ate my willpower!

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    :rotflmao: That was really funny!
     
  15. SpaceAngel

    SpaceAngel I ate my willpower!

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    [​IMG]
     
  16. Mrs V

    Mrs V Loves Life!

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    These are fab!!

    Christmas cake

    Ingredients:

    * 2 cups flour
    * 1 stick butter
    * 1 cup of water
    * 1 tsp baking soda
    * 1 cup of sugar
    * 1 tsp salt
    * 1 cup of brown sugar
    * Lemon juice
    * 4 large eggs
    * Nuts
    * 1 bottle brandy
    * 2 cups of dried fruit


    Sample the brandy to check quality.

    Take a large bowl. Check the brandy again: to be sure it really is of
    the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

    Turn on the electric mixer.

    Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
    Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again..

    At this point it's best to make sure the brandy is still OK. Try another cup... Just in case.

    Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck
    in the cup of dried fruit.
    Pick the frigging fruit up off floor.

    Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

    Sample the brandy to check for tonsisticity.

    Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the brandy.

    Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table.
    Add a spoon of sugar,
    or
    something. Whatever you can find.....

    Greash the oven.

    Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
    Don't forget to beat off the turner.

    Finally, throw the bowl through the window.

    Finish the brandy and wipe counter with the cat.

    Bingle Jells!
     
  17. SpaceAngel

    SpaceAngel I ate my willpower!

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    :rotflmao: Now that really was funny. Sounds just like my Mum!
     
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  19. SpaceAngel

    SpaceAngel I ate my willpower!

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    'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
    How to live in a world that's politically correct?
    His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
    "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
    And labor conditions at the north pole
    Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

    Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
    Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
    And equal employment had made it quite clear
    That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
    So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
    Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
    The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
    The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
    And people had started to call for the cops
    When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
    Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
    His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
    And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
    Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
    And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
    Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
    So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
    Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
    Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
    Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
    And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
    That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
    Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
    Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
    Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
    Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
    Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
    Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
    Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
    Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.

    No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
    Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
    And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
    Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
    For they raised the hackles of those psychological
    Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
    No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
    Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
    Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
    And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
    So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
    He just could not figure out what to do next.
    He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
    you've got to be careful with that word today.
    His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
    Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
    Something special was needed, a gift that he might
    Give to all without angering the left or the right.
    A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
    Each group of people, every religion; Every ethnicity, every hue,
    Everyone, everywhere...even you.
    So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
    "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
     
  20. Mrs V

    Mrs V Loves Life!

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    I like that!!! He he!
     
  21. SpaceAngel

    SpaceAngel I ate my willpower!

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    A bit cheeky but funny!
     
  22. SpaceAngel

    SpaceAngel I ate my willpower!

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    DEAR DIARY II


    AUG 12 Moved to our new home in upstate New York. It is so beautiful
    here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with
    snow on them. I love it here.

    OCT 14 Upstate New York is the most beautiful place on earth. The
    leaves are turning all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went
    for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so
    graceful, certainly they are the most wonderful animal on earth. This
    must be paradise. I love it here.

    NOV 11 Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to
    kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.

    DEC 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed
    with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow
    off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I
    won), and when the snow plow came by, we had to shovel again. What a
    beautiful place. I love upstate New York.

    DEC 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snow plow did his trick
    again to the driveway. I love it here!

    DEC 19 More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get
    to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Damn snow plow.

    DEC 22 More of that white sh*t fell last night. I've got blisters on
    my hands from shoveling. I think the snow plow hides around the curve
    and waits until I'm done shoveling the driveway. As*hole!

    DEC 25 Merry F**king Christmas! More friggin snow. If I ever get my
    hands on that son-of-a-b*tch who drives that snow plow, I swear I'll
    kill him. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to
    melt the f**king ice.

    DEC 27 More white sh*t last night. Been inside for 3 days except for
    shoveling out the driveway after that snow plow goes through every
    time. Can't go anywhere, car's stuck in a mountain of white sh*t. The
    weatherman says to expect another 10" of the sh*t again tonight. Do you
    know how many shovels full of snow 10" is?

    DEC 28 The f**king weatherman was wrong. We got 34" of that white
    sh*t this time. At this rate it won't melt before next summer. The snow plow
    got stuck up the road and that b**tard came to the door and asked to
    borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels already
    shoveling all the sh*t he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one
    over his f**king head.

    JAN 4 Finally out of the house today. Went to the store to get food
    and on the way back a f**king deer ran in front of the car and I hit
    it. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those f**king beasts should be
    killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

    MAY 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing
    is rusting out from that f**king salt they put all over the road.

    MAY 10 Moved to Georgia. I can't imagine why anyone in their right
    mind would want to live in that God-forsaken state of New York.
     
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