Opinions?

[*Emsie*]

As many of you will be aware due to my frequent moans etc on here my 11 year old son is a pain in the butt!
He is very bright, there doesn't seem to be any learning difficulties but he is very difficult particularly at school. He has been through various patterns of behaviour and one of those is refusal to do his work. The area that he is refusing in at the moment is english and writing.
He tries saying he doesn't know what to do but this week apparently he is flatly refusing and being disruptive in the class because he hates English/writing and doesn't want to do it.
I'm beginning to get stuck for ideas of what to suggest to the school and how to deal with it myself so was wondering if anyone had any ideas.
I'm not saying I'll like them or carry them out but on the off chance that anyone had a useful idea I thought I'd ask.
Maybe any teachers/school staff who have experienced anything like it or parents etc

 

[Mrs.S.]

Firstly hugs - can't be an easy situation.

Some suggestions below - chances are you've tried most of them but ill add them all just in case.

Have you tried visual rewards? Something like a reward card with a treat (ie trip to the cinema or something) at the weekend if he fills it all in?

Taking away something he likes when his behaviour is poor? A favourite toy/game or grounding him or cancelling football practice or the like?

Do you and the school have constant communication that he can see and is aware of? Kind of like a report card that's filled in each day by both yourselves and any class teachers.

Monetary rewards? Pocket money for when he's good?

If none of these then I think he would nee to start to understand that his behaviour has consequences and impacts on something that he likes. Is there something that he's really passionate about? A sport? A certain friend? Something you do? Even a games console? If so, really clamp down on whatever it is and even take it away completely for the time being until his behaviour improves dramatically?

Sorry if I'm saying something you've heard before, and sorry if I sound patronising - certainly not my aim! xx

 

[*Emsie*]

You don't sound at all patronising hun am grateful of the suggestions. A lot of things have been tried as its been going on on and off for a few years now. Its hard to have constant communication as I don't pick him up directly from school and he conveniently forgets to bring things home but I have wondered whether to suggest some sort of report card again and if he didn't bring it home then he wouldn't get his time on his console.
He loves his footie too but I don't want to start using that as a punishment as he is commited to playing for teams and I think its important for him to do it and he is very stubborn and would cut off his nose to spite his face.

 

[*Emsie*]

Could you look into mentoring schemes near you? Maybe an older male (that's not a relative) to have a chat with him. I know loads of places have schemes like that.

Gives you a break, gives him someone to talk to and they can set him a good example.

He had a lady that used to go into school to chat to him don't know how much it helped really?

 

[*Emsie*]

Yeah know what you mean but hubby's good with him and don't think he'd understand why he needed to talk to another man etc

 

[Spoo82]

Could he be dyslexic ? He may be acting up because he is struggling and he doesn't no how to ask for help ? Just an idea? x

 

[ScarlettStar86]

Hmm sometimes they do better talking to men? Lots of boys see reading and learning as a girly thing and they need a guy to tell them it's cool to learn.

I do agree with this, a friend of ours (male, 27, guitar playing, funny,cool guy by anyone's standards!) started a job at our local agricultural college as a stop gap before going travelling. He was allocated to supervise a group of students during their free study periods who had gone to this college basically because they were disruptive, and unwilling to learn. Having him around they saw him more as a peer, and with his encouragement and support and just being there to.chat to 19 out of the 20 students went on to gain the full qualifications they were there to study, which no one expected them to. They even held his job over the extended summer so he could go back for the next group as they as a college saw the massive inpact that having someone like this around made. Obviously he is one person but I'm sure there must be schemes around to organise similar support in schools?

I agree with the above reward/sanctions comment, but appreciate how hard it must be to find the balance between something that will really bother him and something that he won't care about. Hope you come to a solution that will work for you all xx

 

[*Emsie*]

Don't think its dyslexia or any difficulty like that as he is capable of doing the work when it comes to it but unfortunately he often let's it get to the point where he has to stay in at lunch etc even though he loves playtime as far as we know.
Yeah Scarlett unfortunately there aren't enough men in education/schooling etc for boys to look up to

 

[*Emsie*]

No offers for adopting him then?

 

[jaylou]

I'm not really sure I have any advice to offer but didn't want to read and run. It's been tough for you for a bit now hun.

I have a teenager and as soon as I read your post the first thing I thought was that it is just pure attention seeking, and in my book there's only one way to deal with it and that's ignoring him.

Now, I know this can be difficult but what is he hoping to achieve by refusing to work? It can only be wanting attention - for reasons unknown I'm sure as kids of that age are tough to understand.

Shouldn't the school be trying to help you with this? Or are they at a loss for what to do?

I think the reward thing stops working after a certain age, "punishment" (by that I mean removing privileges like games machines, tv, late nights) can be a hindrance.....

I honestly don't know what to suggest but he's after attention for something.

*hugs*

 

[*Emsie*]

Yeah I think he does like the attention but hes not easy to ignore as though hes only 11 hes nearly as big as me and his behaviour escalates etc and its not fair on the teacher/kids.
School are trying but he finds ways of working the systems they put in place.....he is very bright but unfortunately doesn't always apply it.
Thanks for the reply while was just brushing my teeth was feeling crappy how it must all be my fault etc but your post makes me feel a bit better where you say about rewards etc stopping working as people often say he needs to have more consequences but they don't seem to work etc

 

[jaylou]

There comes a time when star charts, report cards, good behaviour incentives just stop.

My daughter is just cheeky and a bit rude at times, I get snapped at, grunted at and generally taken for granted (aren't all parents??) Her beautiful bedroom is a tip.

I have tried taking away phone and laptop - I don't care, I can read.......

No tv and bed early - I don't care, I won't sleep anyway, I'll just lay there.....

Keep your room tidy for a week and keep stuff off the floor and you can have a tenner - not worth the effort, I've got lots of money and there's nothing I want.....

I'm making her out to be a monster, she isn't, these are just examples of how punishment/reward just doesn't work. They don't care.

To be honest, my daughter likes nothing more that sitting down on a evening, with sweets and pop, and watching a movie of her choice.

It really is hard hun. xx

 

[Shirleen]

Firstly it's not your fault he's got into a pattern of behaviour and its difficult to break from.

I know you work but have you thought about going to school with him?
Sons school suggested it to me when he was having problems and he sharpened up his act pretty quickly, he thought I wouldn't do it but when I started working out my holiday he got scared!

Is he due to go to seniors? You may find new school new rules and he will settle.

Lastly and extreme, move school.

Hugs can't be easy x

 

[*Emsie*]

There comes a time when star charts, report cards, good behaviour incentives just stop.

My daughter is just cheeky and a bit rude at times, I get snapped at, grunted at and generally taken for granted (aren't all parents??) Her beautiful bedroom is a tip.

I have tried taking away phone and laptop - I don't care, I can read.......

No tv and bed early - I don't care, I won't sleep anyway, I'll just lay there.....

Keep your room tidy for a week and keep stuff off the floor and you can have a tenner - not worth the effort, I've got lots of money and there's nothing I want.....

I'm making her out to be a monster, she isn't, these are just examples of how punishment/reward just doesn't work. They don't care.

To be honest, my daughter likes nothing more that sitting down on a evening, with sweets and pop, and watching a movie of her choice.

It really is hard hun. xx

Yeah if I take xbox off him he watches tv....take tv off him he plays his guitar/music take that off him he reads ......and drives me mad!

 

[*Emsie*]

Firstly it's not your fault he's got into a pattern of behaviour and its difficult to break from.

I know you work but have you thought about going to school with him?
Sons school suggested it to me when he was having problems and he sharpened up his act pretty quickly, he thought I wouldn't do it but when I started working out my holiday he got scared!

Is he due to go to seniors? You may find new school new rules and he will settle.

Lastly and extreme, move school.

Hugs can't be easy x

I might suggest that to him/the school Shirl! Wonder how tht would go down!?
Did try the moving schools route but other schools round here were full in his year and his school have been trying with him and yes he is due to move up to seniors in Sept and has just got a really good score in his grammar school test....how long he would remain at the school is a good question though!

 

[*Emsie*]

Thanks everyone for the replies xx

 

[Happy Holidays]

I can't offer a solution, but my thoughts are - you say he is very bright, is he being tested enough at school could the work he is being ask to do too easy for him & therefore boring, just a thought.

Otherwise I'd be inclined to lay off him for a while, sometimes things have a way of just going round in a circle & not stopping (if that makes sense). One thing I never did with my two is reward bad behaviour, eg, if you don't do something you'll get xyz, I would reward good behaviour, eg if you acheive this then you can have xyz.

 

[*Emsie*]

He does need challenging work but he is just objecting to anything that involves writing at the moment.

Don't think the schoolcan back off with it if you know what I mean he has to do the work and he doesn't just sit there quietly not doing it either he acts up although has admitted that he is doing that on purpose to get sent out but he does have to do the work eventually so it doesn't make sense but he entertains himself and gets attention I suppose!

It would be great if the circle could be broken but he just finds another way of acting up once one area is solved.....last year it was maths despite this being his best subject.

 

[Jenna88]

Have the school started keeping him in at break and lunch times? I've witnessed kids stay in for weeks at a time and yes it doesn't make a difference straight away but they do change their tune whenever they realise how much they're missing out on.

Similarly are there any events in school that are a privilege Swimming trips? After school activities? Residentials? If it were me (and I don't have kids so my opinion probably doesn't hold much water) but I would be informing him that he wouldn't be attending any of these things unless there was some form of drastic improvement in his behaviour.

Maybe a more positive system but is there anything in school that he could do to 'help?'. Do the older kids get given certain responsibilities? Perhaps being hall monitors? Playground buddies? etc. Does anything like that interest him?

Whatever route you plan on going down I hope that it gets sorted soon *hugs*

 

[*Emsie*]

Hehas to stay in if he doesn't do the work and if he continues to refuse he is excluded but he doesn't usually push it to that point(though does at times)

I don't think that mising out on the trips etc would bother him enough unfortunately.


He has been given different responsibilities and sometimes responds for a short time but as he can be lazy it doesn't last long!

Thanks hun I think it will be a case of it will sort out a bit maybe at secondary school...if anyone will have him or when he eventually gets kicked out once and for all or leaves school....know that sounds rather negative but this is our 6th year of hassle and it doesn't feel very hopeful!


I have asked the school if they could send his chart home daily (he earns reward time for lessons in which he is good) and told him if he doesn't remember to bring it home or hes had a bad day there will be no xbox/computer because he is taking the mick out of everyone if he wants to get to do what he wants to do he has to do soe of the things he doesn't....like the rest of us! This should start after half term.
At least it is half term now and a bit of respite from the stress of it! Never thought I'd be glad when my kids were off school!