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Original start weight over 38 st - disgusted in myself

#1
Hello

I used to be a member but made a new account as i need to be anonymous as i am sharing my weight.

I joined sw almost a year ago and found i was 38st 3lb i lost some weight but stopped going to class as i had work commitments.

I feel totally disgusted in myself of how i have let myself get to this.

I am rejoining sw on the 4th june
 
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S: 20st3.5lb C: 14st3.0lb BMI: 36.4 Loss: 6st0.5lb(29.81%)
#2
Hi there,

What's important and what you should focus on now is that you are trying to make a change. You're rejoining SW and determined to move forward :)
I was upset with myself when I weighed in at my first group but it's important to focus on the positive moving forward
You can do this!
 

buffy3256

Silver Member
S: 39st6lb C: 28st10lb G: 20st5lb BMI: 73.5 Loss: 10st10lb(27.17%)
#3
Hi there,

I was nearly 40 stone when I weighed in last august (2016). I am now 1 lbs away from having lost 8 stone, and feel so much better. Everyone's journey is different, and I am a big believer that there is no right or wrong way to lose weigh, however the things I have learnt are;

  • there is a difference between being actually hungry, and wanting to eat. once I had done a few months of eating less my stomach did shrink, and I am able to see when I feel physically hungry, and when i just have a craving to eat.
  • I have done calorie counting which meant I was able to learn what calories I needed to consume to lose weight, but also what my maintenance calories are. This way I can have a 'bad' day, but keep logging. Every time i have had a bad day, I have eaten around maintenance calories. So actually its not that bad. The logging means i don't punish myself, as actually a few days at maintenance calories is OK and is not going to cause me to gain weight
  • you have eat 'treats'. don't cut out all the 'naughty' stuff. if you do, you will fail at some point and binge. With SW make sure you eat ALL your syns. as you are big you will get extra syns - eat these. As you lose weight, the number of syns will reduce and means your body can continue to lose wight.
  • I have done absolutely no exercise. As i have lost weight I have naturally been more active eg going out more, and walking to bus stops etc. but there is no requirement to join a gym, or anything. if you want to, great. but you don't have to do anything intensive to lose weight.
  • write a list of all the reasons you want to lose weight. for me my list included things like being able to walk around a shopping center, not take 2 seats on a plan, and not feel so self conscious in public. I keep this list in the same spreadsheet as my weight loss numbers. i look at periodically, and tick off things I have achieved. This list is for you, so can be anything from your health, personal care, clothes size etc. You can also update as you lose weight. But don't make it about numbers. you can have mini number goals, but this list is more about how you are feeling, or how you live your life. This way if you don;t have a loss one week, you can look at your list and see how far you've come.
  • I have set my goal at 20 stone. For me that felt like a realistic number, and although meant losing 19 stone, it didn't feel like I was trying to reach a really tiny number. Even now my goal is not about being skinny, but about finding a weight that I can maintain at. Even if I end up at 20 stone, this will be a lot healthier than 40 stone.
Your post has a lot of self loathing - you can;t be in that state of mind when you try and lose weight. if you are, any tiny set back will seem huge and may push you off track. There will be good days, and bad days, and i found week 3 to around week 7 the hardest. It then got easier once I had lost 10% as I really started to feel better.

Good luck - I look forward to watching your journey x x x x
 
Last edited:

ladyfelsham

Clean green leafy machine
S: 24st11lb C: 20st8lb G: 10st0lb BMI: 51 Loss: 4st3lb(17%)
#4
Hi sweetie and welcome back!

As Determined says, you've made the fab decision to restart and we will all be cheering you on from here!

And read everything Buffy has written - she is a true inspiration and has done magnificently so far - as will you! https://www.minimins.com/threads/111lbs-down-161-to-go.355795/ (just edited my post as Buffy posted at the same time lol).

I agree with her completely about being positive and upbeat about your weight loss journey. Of course there will be ups and downs along the way, but you are doing the right thing - for your health and wellbeing!
 
#5
Hi there,

What's important and what you should focus on now is that you are trying to make a change. You're rejoining SW and determined to move forward :)
I was upset with myself when I weighed in at my first group but it's important to focus on the positive moving forward
You can do this!
Thank you so much Determined_one, I think that I need to focus on the positive as it would be easy to carry on burying my head in the sand.

Hi there,

I was nearly 40 stone when I weighed in last august (2016). I am now 1 lbs away from having lost 8 stone, and feel so much better. Everyone's journey is different, and I am a big believer that there is no right or wrong way to lose weigh, however the things I have learnt are;

  • there is a difference between being actually hungry, and wanting to eat. once I had done a few months of eating less my stomach did shrink, and I am able to see when I feel physically hungry, and when i just have a craving to eat.
  • I have done calorie counting which meant I was able to learn what calories I needed to consume to lose weight, but also what my maintenance calories are. This way I can have a 'bad' day, but keep logging. Every time i have had a bad day, I have eaten around maintenance calories. So actually its not that bad. The logging means i don't punish myself, as actually a few days at maintenance calories is OK and is not going to cause me to gain weight
  • you have eat 'treats'. don't cut out all the 'naughty' stuff. if you do, you will fail at some point and binge. With SW make sure you eat ALL your syns. as you are big you will get extra syns - eat these. As you lose weight, the number of syns will reduce and means your body can continue to lose wight.
  • I have done absolutely no exercise. As i have lost weight I have naturally been more active eg going out more, and walking to bus stops etc. but there is no requirement to join a gym, or anything. if you want to, great. but you don't have to do anything intensive to lose wight.
  • write a list of all the reasons you want to lose weight. for me my list included things like being able to walk around a shopping center, not take 2 seats on a plan, and not feel so self conscious in public. I keep this list in the same spreadsheet as my weight loss numbers. i look at periodically, and tick off things I have achieved. This list is for you, so can be anything from your health, personal care, clothes size etc. You can also update as you lose weight. But don't make it about numbers. you can have mini number goals, but this list is more about how you are feeling, or how you live your life. This way if you don;t have a loss one week, you can look at your list and see how far you've come.
  • I have set my goal at 20 stone. For me that felt like a realistic number, and although meant losing 19 stone, it didn't feel like I was trying to reach a really tiny number. Even now my goal is not about being skinny, but about finding a weight that I can maintain at. Even if I end up at 20 stone, this will be a lot healthier than 40 stone.
Your post has a lot of self loathing - you can;t be in that state of mind when you try and lose weight. if you are, any tiny set back will seem huge and may push you off track. There will be good days, and bad days, and i found week 3 to around week 7 the hardest. It then got easier once I had lost 10% as I really started to feel better.

Good luck - I look forward to watching your journey x x x x
Wow thank you so much for sharing your story Buffy, I have never known someone that is of a similar of weight to me -thank you for helping me to feel less isolated. Congratulations you have done fabulously well - I don't have enough posts to view your thread yet but when I do can I follow you please?

Thank you very much for your list it has helped me to gain some insight in to my own life and concerns -

It is funny that you should say about wanting to eat vs needing to eat yesterday I had my normal large dinner which would normally have included a very large portion (if I am being truthful it is more like three large portions) instead I had a ready prepared mash which according to the packet serves 2 people and actually I was quite satisfied and full up but feeling ok after and not totally bloated and sluggish.

I think I made the mistake of not eating my syns before which was probably one of the reasons why I spectacularly fell off of the wagon.

I like to do some walking but thank you for that reassurance of I don't have to do exercise - I don't want to turn it in to a chore - i like when I am to go for a walk down the beach and walk barefoot in the grass.

I think I am going to prioritise making my list - I kinda had one before but never wrote it down, I think by writing it down it will make it more concrete you know?

I haven't thought about a target yet as I guess I want to have the number as I am hoping that I am not back to my start weight. I don't want to set a target that is to low like you say though.

I think I have always had a low level of self esteem and sometimes it comes out when I don't realise. I have found positive affirmations have worked for me in the past so going to work on developing some of them.

Thank you again buffy

Hi sweetie and welcome back!

As Determined says, you've made the fab decision to restart and we will all be cheering you on from here!

And read everything Buffy has written - she is a true inspiration and has done magnificently so far - as will you! https://www.minimins.com/threads/111lbs-down-161-to-go.355795/ (just edited my post as Buffy posted at the same time lol).

I agree with her completely about being positive and upbeat about your weight loss journey. Of course there will be ups and downs along the way, but you are doing the right thing - for your health and wellbeing!
Thank you ladyfelsham
 
#6
I just wanted to let you all know that I have changed my name to sickandtired from disgusting.

I don't want to feel this way about myself anymore and going to make changes from now.

I have spent the day reflecting on my life and watching some Jessie Pavelka a year to my life and has given me a lot to think about especially the quote you can be the sickness in your world or cure - I want to be my cure
 

Jenny_b

Gold Member
S: 17st7lb C: 12st5lb G: 10st5lb BMI: 27.9 Loss: 5st2lb(29.39%)
#7
Hi,

just wanted to wish you all the best for your weight loss journey and I'm glad you changed your name :)

just think how great you'll feel this time next year after a whole year on sw, you'll be feeling loads better about your weight/health/fitness etc.

x x
 
S: 27st6.5lb C: 18st12lb G: 13st13lb BMI: 39 Loss: 8st8.5lb(31.34%)
#8
Many congratulations on making the decision to rejoin SW. Seeing the number on the scale is incredibly confronting - at nearly 28st I wanted the ground to swallow me up because I felt so ashamed. The initial couple of months are hard and it can be difficult to adjust but the best advice I can give you is to remember that whatever is on the display from week to week, you own the number - it doesn't own you! This is going to change your life for the better and I can't wait to see your progress.
Wishing you the best of luck on your journey xx
 
#9
Hi,

just wanted to wish you all the best for your weight loss journey and I'm glad you changed your name :)

just think how great you'll feel this time next year after a whole year on sw, you'll be feeling loads better about your weight/health/fitness etc.

x x
Thank you Jenny_b I so appreciate your kind words, I have started looking at the calendar in my phone and looking at the putting some goals in for myself. On June 5th my goal is to be able to walk down the street and not feel all of the negative feelings I currently feel about myself.

Many congratulations on making the decision to rejoin SW. Seeing the number on the scale is incredibly confronting - at nearly 28st I wanted the ground to swallow me up because I felt so ashamed. The initial couple of months are hard and it can be difficult to adjust but the best advice I can give you is to remember that whatever is on the display from week to week, you own the number - it doesn't own you! This is going to change your life for the better and I can't wait to see your progress.
Wishing you the best of luck on your journey xx
Thank you Annie Chem for sharing your story and the powerful piece of advice about owning the number whatever it maybe!
 

craftermary

Gold Member
S: 11st0lb C: 9st0lb BMI: 22.3 Loss: 2st0lb(18.18%)
#10
I think you should change your user name to something more positive.:)

Good Luck on your journey and with the help on here I'm sure you will do well. :)

Think positive :)
 

Jenny_b

Gold Member
S: 17st7lb C: 12st5lb G: 10st5lb BMI: 27.9 Loss: 5st2lb(29.39%)
#11
Its so good to have goals, I put my mini goals in my signature so I can see them every time I post.

you can do it :) x x
 
S: 27st6.5lb C: 18st12lb G: 13st13lb BMI: 39 Loss: 8st8.5lb(31.34%)
#12
Thank you Jenny_b I so appreciate your kind words, I have started looking at the calendar in my phone and looking at the putting some goals in for myself. On June 5th my goal is to be able to walk down the street and not feel all of the negative feelings I currently feel about myself.



Thank you Annie Chem for sharing your story and the powerful piece of advice about owning the number whatever it maybe!
We are all behind you and here spur you on! You've got this - you've already done the hardest thing by actually making the decision to start xx
 
S: 20st3.5lb C: 14st3.0lb BMI: 36.4 Loss: 6st0.5lb(29.81%)
#13
I think it's great you've changed your name hun! Immediately it's a much more positive outlook to take :D I wish you all the best in your weight loss journey and know that we'll all be here supporting you every step of the way!
 
#14
Thank you all so much again! I cant believe i put off posting for so long! I am under no illusions that this will be at times a diffucult journey but i am feeling really positive about it and have even got the start of an action plan going round my head! I think the main thing i want to plan for is coping mechanisms for when i go off plan and not turn a bad day into a bad week or even month.

This is something to reflect upon but not now as my bed is calling me after a long and hot day!

I hope that you are all ok?

Xx
 

ladyfelsham

Clean green leafy machine
S: 24st11lb C: 20st8lb G: 10st0lb BMI: 51 Loss: 4st3lb(17%)
#15
I love the idea of you having plans in place to get you back on the wagon - but I think the main thing to remember (if that happens) is no guilt!

Just draw a line under it, shrug your shoulders, recognise you're human and get straight back on plan x
 

buffy3256

Silver Member
S: 39st6lb C: 28st10lb G: 20st5lb BMI: 73.5 Loss: 10st10lb(27.17%)
#16
hey, I am really glad you changed your name.

It's weird actually because you want to remember how you feel now, as this helps make sure you don't end up back at this place. But you also don't want to hate yourself, as that will just mean you turn to food for comfort.

I found weight goals helpful, and for me having an end goal was important. However i have found time goals not sustainable. Weight loss is so weird, that it is hard to predict when you will lose weight, and by how much. So i have found saying I want to lose 14lbs to get to my next goal helpful, but saying 14lbs in one month just leads to feelings of failure. Don;t feel like you have to have a goal in mind - its your journey, so do what works for you.

I found being nearly 40 stone very isolating, not least because it makes it a physical effort to go out. I am glad you found your way on here - it is helpful. and although not everyone is as big as us, there quite a few with a lot to lose. And surprisingly i have found some of the most interesting diaries from those with a little to lose. reading other people's thoughts can really highlight your own relationship with food, and in particular how we punish ourselves.
 

tipperary

Gold Member
S: 80.5kg C: 76.6kg G: 68kg BMI: 33.6 Loss: 3.9kg(4.85%)
#17
Great words of wisdom from everyone already. Life is tough enough and it can be hard to stay positive all the time . I went through a stage of self loathing and disgust and now know this caused me to gain more weight than anything else. It was almost like I had accepted that this is me and there is nothing I can do about it. I have no idea how or why a change came about but it did. Losing some weight for me is good but I don't see gaining any as a failure now, its a blip and can be sorted. To paraphrase Buffy, when you are big any loss at all is only good.
Here to support you and well done for the start
 
#18
Hi S&T

Welcome back and well done on posting, I know how hard it is - I used to be on here all the time, but my constant failures led me to stop as I didn't think I was helping anyone by never really losing weight - I certainly wasn't helping myself - so I stalked off and gained more instead!

Coming back on Minis and rejoining SW is the first hurdle, let battle commence! Good luck on 4th June start. Are you doing it online or going to class?

We all have our hang ups and issues, mine is my "number" - its a really sensitive subject for me, which was in part why I don't like class, I don't like ANYONE seeing my "number", even the people who weigh you! I read Buffy's advice to you and have taken it in and do my own list and take it slowly...

We are all here to support and encourage and learn. I love this site and I can't believe I shied away from it for so long too!

xxx
 
#19
Hello all,

I just wanted to drop by to say I am still around and to thank you all for your kind words - I promise to reply to each of you over the weekend.

I have had a rubbish couple of days and have been allowing negative thoughts to overwhelm me. I am coming out if this slowly as I realised today I have done a lot of stuff that my colleagues of a much lower weight would struggle to do. I think I need to be proud that I am doing a full time job which can be quite stressful.

Thank you all again

Lucy
 

and

Silver Member
C: 11st7lb G: 9st10lb BMI: 26.8
#20
I feel a little sad reading the first post. sickandtired you have NO reason to hide. No one here is judging you and anyone who does, well they're really not worth your consideration.

Focus on the positives - you are here NOW. Today is the first day of your life and all that.

Be proud of the fact you're here and you're moving forward. :)
 


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