please make us laugh!
- Thread starter shenzi
- Start date
Shirleen
Gold Member
I'm no good at jokes .
My brother Karl worked with an older lady, at her retirement do she wore a fabulous dress. Looking at her Karl said "Maggie I never knew you had a tattoo"
"Oh that,' says Maggie 'I've had that since I was eighteen"
"It's really unusual to have a tattoo on your knee isn't it"
Maggie scowled and said "It used to be on my hip!"
A man is standing in the Post Office queue holding a banana , when it's his turn he points the banana and says " this is a hold up give me all your money"
The clerk laughs and asks "why are you holding me up with a banana?"
"Oh no' says the man "I've eaten my gun"
Gotta love Tommy Cooper!
My brother Karl worked with an older lady, at her retirement do she wore a fabulous dress. Looking at her Karl said "Maggie I never knew you had a tattoo"
"Oh that,' says Maggie 'I've had that since I was eighteen"
"It's really unusual to have a tattoo on your knee isn't it"
Maggie scowled and said "It used to be on my hip!"
A man is standing in the Post Office queue holding a banana , when it's his turn he points the banana and says " this is a hold up give me all your money"
The clerk laughs and asks "why are you holding me up with a banana?"
"Oh no' says the man "I've eaten my gun"
Gotta love Tommy Cooper!
Tinnedtomato
Gold Member
These are certainly doing the trick 
Great threat!!
Great threat!!
fillymum
synful soul
You tell me who has threatened you and I will get them for you lol !!!!!!These are certainly doing the trick
fillymum
synful soul
We rottweilers stick together !!!
Tinnedtomato
Gold Member
Lmao....oooops, slight slip of the finger!! 
my baaaaad lol x x
my baaaaad lol x x
fillymum
synful soul
This afternoons chuckle...............
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached
a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought
me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in economy said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought
me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in economy said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
Shirleen
Gold Member
OMG !!!!! I was in the public toilets and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi !, how are you ?" Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine". The voice said "So what are you up to ?". I said, "Just doing the same as you, sitting here !". From next door, "Can I come over?". Annoyed, I said " rather busy right now". The voice said, "Listen, i will have to call you back, there's an idiot next door answering all my questions".
Shirleen
Gold Member
A YORKSHIRE LOVE STORY
An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the agonies of impending death,
He suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones
Wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength,
And lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall,
He slowly made his way out of the bedroom,
And with even greater effort,
Gripping the railing with both hands,
He crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath,
He leaned against the door-frame,
Gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony,
He would have thought himself already in heaven,
For there, spread out upon the kitchen table
Were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven?
Or was it one final act of love
From his devoted Yorkshire wife of sixty years,
Seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort,
He threw himself towards the table,
Landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand
Trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table,
When it was suddenly smacked by his wife
With a wooden spoon ......
*
*
*
*
*
'Bugger off'.
She said,
'they're for the funeral.'
An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the agonies of impending death,
He suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones
Wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength,
And lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall,
He slowly made his way out of the bedroom,
And with even greater effort,
Gripping the railing with both hands,
He crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath,
He leaned against the door-frame,
Gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony,
He would have thought himself already in heaven,
For there, spread out upon the kitchen table
Were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven?
Or was it one final act of love
From his devoted Yorkshire wife of sixty years,
Seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort,
He threw himself towards the table,
Landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand
Trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table,
When it was suddenly smacked by his wife
With a wooden spoon ......
*
*
*
*
*
'Bugger off'.
She said,
'they're for the funeral.'
fillymum
synful soul
Morning........time to chuckle
Two blondes decided to share a can of diet soda. One blonde opened the can, poured half the contents into her own glass, and the other half into her friend's glass. Before throwing the can away, she stopped to read the nutritional information on the side.
"Wow, there's only one calorie per can," she commented.
"Hmmmm," replied her friend, "I wonder which glass has the calorie
Two blondes decided to share a can of diet soda. One blonde opened the can, poured half the contents into her own glass, and the other half into her friend's glass. Before throwing the can away, she stopped to read the nutritional information on the side.
"Wow, there's only one calorie per can," she commented.
"Hmmmm," replied her friend, "I wonder which glass has the calorie
fillymum
synful soul
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."
Or.........................
This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died. At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head "yes". The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head "no”. Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head "yes" to the ladies and "no" to the men. Then, he went up to the farmer and asked him why. The farmer replied,” Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife's dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked,’ That mule for sale?'
want anther one ???..............
want anther one ???..............
A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to start farming. He goes to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies. Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens." "Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well. "Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"
Roopstardeluxe
Full Member
The Edinburgh festival best joke winner:
"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."
"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."
fillymum
synful soul
Roopstardeluxe
Full Member
I know! I laughed aloud when I read that this morning!
