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please make us laugh!

shenzi

Gold Member
S: 17st13lb C: 17st0lb G: 11st8lb BMI: 43.5 Loss: 0st13lb(5.18%)
#1

fillymum

synful soul
S: 107kg C: 85kg G: 79kg BMI: 33.2 Loss: 22kg(20.56%)
#2
O.K. might as well be me as anyone else......

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years


BOOM BO0M !!!
 

shenzi

Gold Member
S: 17st13lb C: 17st0lb G: 11st8lb BMI: 43.5 Loss: 0st13lb(5.18%)
#3
Lmao that is funny! thanks sue x
 

fillymum

synful soul
S: 107kg C: 85kg G: 79kg BMI: 33.2 Loss: 22kg(20.56%)
#4
Lmao that is funny! thanks sue x
Pleasure friend, lots more where that came from.

Remember, chin up and keep smiling

hugs xxxx

p.s.

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod
 

shenzi

Gold Member
S: 17st13lb C: 17st0lb G: 11st8lb BMI: 43.5 Loss: 0st13lb(5.18%)
#5
Oh my god! so funny!! x
 

Stackhead

Slow and steady...
S: 21st9.5lb C: 21st4.2lb G: 14st11lb BMI: 42.8 Loss: 0st5.3lb(1.75%)
#6
My work collegue has a 'joke of the day' pad on her desk. I'm not going to guarantee the funny. :D

"A little boy came running into the kitchen. 'Dad, dad', he said, 'there's a monster at the door with a really ugly face.' 'Tell him you've already got one,' said his father."

That was so bad we had to go a day ahead to make up for it:

"What do you call a lady with just one leg?
Eileen."

I suppose you can laugh at the poorness of the jokes....

xx
 

Tinytootz

Mini crazy cat lady
S: 12st5lb C: 12st5lb G: 10st0lb BMI: 31.6 Loss: 0st0lb(0%)
#7
My favourite long winded joke in the world!

Right there was once this man who had everything a mansion of a house, great job, sports car, fine looking wife and beautiful children oh and plus a drive. One day when he returns from work he notices that his house is being burnt down. The man panics and rushes to save his family from the burning building. His family are safe but the man notices a little green man in the background he chases him believing that it was him who burnt his house down. The man fails to catch up with the little green man and the little green man escapes. Unfortunatly the man didn't have home insurance so he looses everything. The man and his family have to move to a smaller house with just the one sports car and no drive. His marrige has also been on the edge since the fire because he is not as rich as he was. Anyway he returns from work in just the one sports one day to notice that his house is being burnt down again he rushes to get his family out of the burning building which he manages to do. As his second home is being burnt down he again notices a little green man. He chases him and chases him but still can't catch up with him. Anyway this series of events keeps happening and happening until the man is homeless, jobless and losses his family with only a cardboard box as his home. Anyway one day while hes searching the bins for food, he finds his cardboard box on fire. At the end of the alley the man notices the little green man a says " right I have lost everything cause of this little green man and I have got nothing to loose now." So the man decides to chase the little green man and not give up chasing him. He chases him all over the country chasing and chasing him until one day he catches him. The man begins beating the little green man shouting " DID YOU BURN MY HOUSES DOWN, DID YOU BURN MY HOUSES DOWN." The little green man says " No."

I prefer the ending of "yes", but all the ones I could find were "no" :(
 
S: 15st0lb C: 12st4.4lb G: 10st10lb BMI: 27.8 Loss: 2st9.6lb(17.9%)
#8
My favourite long winded joke in the world!

Right there was once this man who had everything a mansion of a house, great job, sports car, fine looking wife and beautiful children oh and plus a drive. One day when he returns from work he notices that his house is being burnt down. The man panics and rushes to save his family from the burning building. His family are safe but the man notices a little green man in the background he chases him believing that it was him who burnt his house down. The man fails to catch up with the little green man and the little green man escapes. Unfortunatly the man didn't have home insurance so he looses everything. The man and his family have to move to a smaller house with just the one sports car and no drive. His marrige has also been on the edge since the fire because he is not as rich as he was. Anyway he returns from work in just the one sports one day to notice that his house is being burnt down again he rushes to get his family out of the burning building which he manages to do. As his second home is being burnt down he again notices a little green man. He chases him and chases him but still can't catch up with him. Anyway this series of events keeps happening and happening until the man is homeless, jobless and losses his family with only a cardboard box as his home. Anyway one day while hes searching the bins for food, he finds his cardboard box on fire. At the end of the alley the man notices the little green man a says " right I have lost everything cause of this little green man and I have got nothing to loose now." So the man decides to chase the little green man and not give up chasing him. He chases him all over the country chasing and chasing him until one day he catches him. The man begins beating the little green man shouting " DID YOU BURN MY HOUSES DOWN, DID YOU BURN MY HOUSES DOWN." The little green man says " No."

I prefer the ending of "yes", but all the ones I could find were "no" :(
LOL, I don't get it?
 

Tinytootz

Mini crazy cat lady
S: 12st5lb C: 12st5lb G: 10st0lb BMI: 31.6 Loss: 0st0lb(0%)
#9
I don't think you are supposed to. It's one of those ones which basically annoy you, as it gets nowhere :D I've never got it, but I can't actually tell it out loud without cracking up. Perhaps I should be assessed!
 
S: 15st0lb C: 12st4.4lb G: 10st10lb BMI: 27.8 Loss: 2st9.6lb(17.9%)
#10
Story of a frog :D

I've already posted this on here before, but just incase you missed it...


A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.


So he says to her.."Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday".

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says that his name is Anthony Jagger, his father is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this", and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Anthony Jagger out there , son of Mick Jagger - he claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000....and he wants to use this as collateral".

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack.
Give the frog a loan,
his old man's a Rolling Stone"



*BADUM BUM CHHH* ;)

 

kerry b

Silver Member
#12
O.K. might as well be me as anyone else......

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years


BOOM BO0M !!!

Took me nearly 5 minutes to read this out to OH as I couldn't stop laughing, Im sitting here with tears rolling down my face:D
 

fillymum

synful soul
S: 107kg C: 85kg G: 79kg BMI: 33.2 Loss: 22kg(20.56%)
#14
I love this as it's
getting sooo close to home for me.............I get dillier with everyday that passes


An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken in to.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."


 

elb4160

Gold Member
S: 28st8lb C: 28st8lb G: 20st0lb BMI: 63.6 Loss: 0st0lb(0%)
#15
I love that last one Sue! I've got my Mum texting it to all her friends because she's laughing about it too!
 

shenzi

Gold Member
S: 17st13lb C: 17st0lb G: 11st8lb BMI: 43.5 Loss: 0st13lb(5.18%)
#16
Loving these really making me giggle, keep them coming please this is just what i need! X
 

fillymum

synful soul
S: 107kg C: 85kg G: 79kg BMI: 33.2 Loss: 22kg(20.56%)
#17
Today's chuckles on there way....


A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

 

fillymum

synful soul
S: 107kg C: 85kg G: 79kg BMI: 33.2 Loss: 22kg(20.56%)
#18
OR if that one didn't make you smile..........

A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary. She called the obituary department and said, "This is what I want to print: Bernie is dead." The man at the newspaper said, "But for £25 you are allowed to print six words." The woman answered, "OK. Then print: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale."


 

fillymum

synful soul
S: 107kg C: 85kg G: 79kg BMI: 33.2 Loss: 22kg(20.56%)
#19
I really want to keep you all laughing. I hate to think of anyone being down:hug99:


A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, "I love you."
The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine.":8855:

 
S: 15st0lb C: 12st4.4lb G: 10st10lb BMI: 27.8 Loss: 2st9.6lb(17.9%)
#20
I really want to keep you all laughing. I hate to think of anyone being down:hug99:


A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, "I love you."
The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine.":8855:
Love it Sue!! xx
 


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