please make us laugh!

[lauratrev]

Well today......i closed the windows in my car.....trappin all of my bfs fingers in his window... i was totally oblivious as i had my fingers on both buttons my side to close them and i only realised when i got a rather girlie high pitched scream pmsl....luckily theyre only bruised.....x lucky for me he found the funny side....

tip: dont hang ur hand out the window....

 

[shenzi]

An old farmer wrote to his son in prison.
" This year I won't be able to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground, I know if you were here you would help me."
The son wrote: " Dad don't think of digging the ground because that's where I buried the guns "
Police intercept and read the letter and the very next day, the whole ground was dug by police looking for guns but nothing was found.
The next day the son wrote again "Now plant your potatoes dad, it's the best I could do from here !

 

[fillymum]

So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

​

 

[Maximus]

A bloke walks into the greengrocers and asks for 5lb of potatoes. Grocer says "We don't have them now, only kilos"

"Ok" Says the bloke "Give us 5lb of kilos then - I only want to make some bloody chips".

Respect to the Metric Martyrs.

 

[shenzi]

Love it!

I need to find some more giggles to put on here will be back soon! X

 

[fillymum]

The Old Man and the Sea
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.
"Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook

​

 

[Gemmy_Lou]

Just been to the gym. They've got this new snazzy machine, I only managed half an hour though as I started to feel sick.

It does everything... Kit kats, twirls, mars bars, snickers...

 

[fillymum]

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Hey bartender. If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?" The bartender says "sure" and the drunk pulls a frog out of his pocket and sets it down on the table. The frog then plays the best jazz the bartender heard in years and he gives the drunk his free drink. The drunk says " hey bartender. If I show you another trick will you give me another free drink?" The bartender says "If it's anything like the trick you just showed me, you can drink the rest of the night for free." So the drunk pulls a rat out of his pocket and the rat starts singing. The bartender starts pouring drinks for the drunk as fast as the drunk could drink them. Two hours later, an agent walks into a bar and sees the frog and the rat. He walks up to the bartender and says "That's the greatest act I've seen in years. Who owns that act?" The bartender points to the drunk who's passed out on the floor and says "He does." The agent wakes the drunk and says" That's the greatest act I’ve seen in years. I'll give you $100,000 for that act." The drunk says "There not for sale." "Ok," the agent says "then I'll give you $50,000 for the singing rat." "It's a deal" the drunk says so the agent gives him the money and leaves with the rat. "I can't believe you! You had a million dollar rat there you just passed it up for a measly 50 grand" The bartender yells. "Relax," said the drunk, "The frogs a ventriloquist."


​

 

[fillymum]

There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog."
The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua?????? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"


​

 

[Shirleen]

Oh I love that! Will send it to my sister!

 

[fillymum]

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?" Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."

and another chuckle..............

Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?

Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.



or even....................

Simon, if I had eight apples in my right hand and ten apples in my left hand, what would I have?”
“Huge hands, sir.”


BOOM BOOM !!!!
​

​

​

 

[shenzi]

Brilliant! X

 

[kerry b]

These are brilliant fillymum. Where on earth do you get them? I'm hopeless at jokes, I always forget part of it. Either that or think they are so funny I can tell them for laughing (taxi driver joke is perfect example lol)

 

[Maximus]

I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing to play with.

or

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
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[Debridger]

A rabbit walks into a pub and asks for a lb of carrots, the barman tells him that this is a pub, we don't serve carrots, but there's a greengrocer 3 doors away, the rabbit thanks him and leaves. The next day the rabbit goes into the pub and asks for a lb of carrots, again the barman tells him we don't serve carrots, but there's a greengrocer 3 doors away, and again the rabbit leaves.
This goes on for a few days, and by now the barman is really hacked off, so when the rabbit comes in that night he tells him, if you ask me for a lb of poxy carrots, I'm going to nail your paws to the bar, the rabbit sayes ok and leaves.
The following night the rabbit walks in and asks the barman if he has any nails, the barman tells him that he doesn't have any, so the rabbit replied well in that case can I have a lb of carrots please!!

 

[fillymum]

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor."You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

​

 

[shenzi]

Lol These are great! X

 

[fillymum]

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious Health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. "Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, Huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/ 20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door or after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs.as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50

Pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years". The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing here wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."

 

[shenzi]

I love that one! Thanks sue x

 

[Maximus]

I see the Scousers had a referendum today about which currency they'd be using.

Apparently they're sticking with the Giro