Rock Bottom...is it the right time?

[crimson_vixen]

Ok, so here we go...

I am due to start CD tomorrow. I seriously want to start and get the weight off. But things just seem to have finally hit rock bottom. I say finally as I feel as if I have been waiting for it to happen for a long time. There can be no denying that I have been very unhappy for sometime, stretching back to before I left the UK last November. I just have not been able to admit it to myself.

I wanted to be slim to do this trip so I could partake in all the things I had dreamed of doing, skydiving, black water rafting, hiking. And I did loose some weight and I thought that I was set. But I lost my way and ended up further away than when I started. I was commited to the trip and had to go. I was determined that my weight was not going to stop me from seeing the world.

Hong Kong was hard, not just because of the heat, but the people stared and mocked in their native tongue. We went out at random times to avoid crowds, and spent too much time holed up in our cheap box room. The flights were excrutiating. Twelve hours each, crammed in and uncomforatble next to my fiance, not even two valiums could take the edge off my discomfort and hatred of myself for putting us both through it.

But coming here felt like coming home. I instantly fell in love with the lifestyle and the people. So welcoming and enveloping, it just felt right. There didn't seem any need to worry about my weight when we were having a good time and getting a tan, and there was a wedding to plan. Not even finding a wedding dress here was hard. A magical, crystal encrusted gown that made me feel and look beautiful, even if it was a size 30.

The wedding was perfect. And it stays perfect until I look at the video. In my mind I looked incredible, the reality of the video tells another story. It is not what I wanted for myself, it is not what I wanted for my husband and our families.

The wedding was 7 months ago, and my life has just spun out of control. I have no job and I am living so far away from my family and friends. I wanted so much from this trip, but it has turned out nothing like I imagined, and I know it is my fault. How can I trek over volcanos or pick fruit for cash when I can barely stand for any length of time? How can I make the most of life when all I can do is sleep and avoid contact with everybody?

My husband tries his best, he works as hard as his shifts will allow, but there is resentment there. He works whilst I sit at home and wish for better times. He tries, but he doesn't understand. It puts a strain on things especially since we now have to make a choice on what to do next, do we stay or do we go? There is no choice. My weight is a roadblock. A blight on the NZ immigration radar meaning home is the only option. He wants to go home, but I want to stay, and it is tearing me up inside knowing that the reason I can't stay is because of my own choices, my mistakes.

So now I can't stop crying. I'm not even sure why I am crying. It may be because I don't want to go home, or because nothing has changed and this big trip was for nothing and has achieved nothing. But mostly I think it's because I have let things go so far that I am not sure I can ever get them back. And it is my own fault.

I guess it all started this morning when I said goodbye to my wedding dress, after selling it for much needed cash. It has just continued down hill from there. Silly really. But how can I make such a huge change to my life when I am not sure that I have anything left to fight with? Is this really the right time for me?

Sorry to go on and on. It has actually made me feel a little better to write it all down. x

 

[Guru]

CV I would say now is the PERFECT time to start on your CD journey. One of the blessings of this diet is that the first few weeks see quite dramatic results - more dramatic than you will ever see on any other diet - and so it can boost your confidence considerably.

Reading your story, it strikes me that you are angry at yourself for not having control over your own destiny. Taking the bull by the horns and embarking on this will GIVE you that control.

I know it is so hard when you feel like you have let other people down and can't see a way out... but honestly, this really could be your way out of feeling like that.

I hope whatever you decide, that you stop beating yourself up. The past is the past - you can only change the here and now. x

 

[LizzMB]

i have to be harsh hun....print that off and carry it with you!
Get your CD packs, and get cracking!
You sound like you have so many reasons to be doing this hun....the last thing you need is to put on more weight with comfort eating!

Take some control....welcome CD into your life hun and start being proactive about losing the weight! You can do it! WE ALL CAN!!!!!!!

I cant comment on the home V's NZ situation, or the travelling hun, but you need to try and remember the happier times! Maybe you wont see those at the moment but they are there somewhere hun! This trip hasnt been a complete waste!

Good luck for tomorrow.....and make sure you go for it hun!

xx

 

[sumayyah]

hey hun, sounds like youve had a magical and very hard time all rolled into one

the nz dream doesnt have to be over forever hun, so they require you to be of a smaller size, great CD works hun and it works well and quickly, stick to it and before you know it the way you look will mirror they way you want to be.
your confidence will improve as the weight comes off and your able to be more active
talk to your hubby, let him know how your feeling and that you need to do this now and your going to need him to be there right with you

good luck on your journey, keep posting here hun, we are all here with you

 

[Kimberleyski]

Yep agree with all the other. Cambridge is an amazing diet in my opinion and with the super quick results it will also build your confidence, which from your post sounds like you are lacking a bit at the moment.

A lot of people on this forum have been where you are now so don't feel alone. Take control and start CD.

Good luck! x

 

[imagisal]

My heart goes out to you......yes, now is the time to change so you don't live the rest of your life burdened by all the emotions and regret you have talked about in your post. Wherever you go you take YOU with you. I have lived in other countries and I think in some ways I wanted to escape myself, my problems and my history, it works for a while but then you encounter the same challenges of personality or habit etc.....and there you are again! CD is the most effective way to make changes healthily and quickly........get started!!!!! Best wishes

 

[mwnci]

I don't know your history or anything but I hope you don't mind me posting on your thread. I'm a previously successful CDer who fell off the wagon quite spectacularly and is just getting back on. I know how horrible it can feel when you're overweight and your life isn't going the way you'd want but it can all be sorted out.

First off you can't undo things you've done, you can't remake decisions you've made in the past. All you can do is learn from it and try not to make the same mistake again. Don't beat yourself up about what has happened just concentrate and what you want in the future.

You did look incredible in your wedding, all brides do. You wore a beautiful dress, you were happy, you were surrounded by people who love you and you were marrying the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. I bet you wouldn't be able to find a person there who thought you looked anything less than amazing. I've been a fat bride twice, and I know I looked pretty good both time - it's almost impossible not to in such expensive dresses!
Maybe in a few years time on a 'big' anniversary when you're at a weight you're happy with you could renew your vows or at least have a big party and maybe wear a new wedding dress?

It's so easy to get into a cycle where you feel miserable so you eat, you then feel miserable because you ate.
CD takes that away. Can you remember a time when you were happy with your weight? Try and focus on that, or if not that focus on a weight you want to be, the things you'll be doing, the way you'll feel. You will get there but it will suck a bit at first. It's so easy to keep delaying the start (I've done this for about a year and a half, life always gets in the way!) but the best thing to do is just do it. You'll feel so much better after just one day, you'll feel empowered. Hungry but empowered!

I really am sorry you're feeling so sad right now. It can get better though

 

[Nellyphant]

Didn't want to read and run and I'm rubbish at giving advice on stuff like this but sending (((hugs))) your way.

 

[cherylxx]

hi crimson,
i lost 49lbs last year on cd before leaving due to medical reasons last june.
I initially said i would be coming back to it by sept 2008. it is now sept 2009 and ive just started back on it again after wasting the last year of my life thinking i wasnt emotionally/mentally strong enough and simply not ready to continue my long battle. In that time i have gained back the 49lbs i lost and an extra 17lbs due to bad diet and comfort eating.
Dont do the same thing hun. tackle it now, time only ever added more weight in my case, someone emotionally low and vulnerable to the empty promises of feeling better after ive eaten that treat.
its sounds like u could use a proud moment right now and believe me when i say that after a few days of cd u start to feel really proud of what u are doing.
people will be staring at me for some time yet as i have a lot to lose BUT now i can hold my head up high knowing that yes, im very big BUT im doing something about it now and for that reason i am one proud woman

 

[Katycakes]

CV, rock bottom is the perfect place to start from, because the only way is up. You feel awful now, but you DO have some great things going for you, and you OH will I am sure support you no matter what. As others have posted, CD does work and can also give you some much needed breathing space to work out WHY you have had issues with food/eating and how to re-set patterns. Doing some 'head work' or counselling can make the journey even more meaningful.

I was in a very bad place when I began my journey in November, and CD has turned my life around. I can't say I have it all sorted - who can - but I have been given my life back, and CD did that.

Big hugs and best of luck - wherever you are, minis will be a home for you and your minis friends will always be there for you through the path ahead. Go for it.

xxx

 

[Blingbabe]

Hi cv

I think that the responding posts have been great, I hope that they have offered you some comfort and advice.
All I can say is that starting (and this time staying on) CD is the best decision I have made in a long time. Day by day my confidence and self-esteem is growing. Yes, there are some difficult days when I feel like eating but, honestly, these are fleeting momments that soon pass following a black coffee, some water or even a dip into minimins for inspiration.
I very much hope that I will be on this site for a long time ahead - more weight to lose, maintaining and then monitoring my weight. I really hope that you will be expressing the positive outcomes that many of us have gained since starting CD.
Good Luck x

 

[Claudine004]

Hey Crimson,

Awww I can really relate to being overweight and unhappy like all of us here.

I don't think I can really advise you but I wanted to encourage you like everyone else has. There is never a good time to diet and there will always be reasons why..'now is not a good time'.

But taking control and making changes to improve your quality of life and health is urgent. Life is too short and we are only here for a blink of an eye. It simply must be enjoyed!

I did this diet during some of the most stressful times of my life and it helped me to feel more in control. I was able to deal with it better because it made me feel so good about myself, like I could do anything! When you have a bit of confidence you really can live a life without limits or restrictions!!

The Weight was like a milestone around my neck... I'm So glad I decided to save myself.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

XX

 

[Mini]

Hi crimson_vixen.

I think you have got some excellent advice on this thread already. Really can't add much more but one thing struck me when I was reading your post how courageous you were in going ahead with your trip and not letting your weight stop you.

I think you are the type of person who likes to set yourself projects and see them through to the end.

You can make your weight loss a personal project and plan it out as diligently as you planned your trip and wedding.

Before starting take some before photos, body measurements, set long term goals and more importantly...set yourself some mini goals which are achievable and give yourself a non food reward as you tick each one off, doing this helps to build your confidence and belief in yourself to lose weight and gives you a sense of achievement and accomplishment as the road to slimdom is rough and rocky at times.

Keeping a diary is a good way of recording how you feel an looking back over it along with monthly photos and body measurements you can see how far you have travelled as it is easy to forget parts of your weight loss journey and at times you feel in your head you are not getting very far and are feeling down, just looking back over photos really help to put things into prospective once again.

Also very popular is doing a video blog.
Here is Mandy who lost 24 stone on CD in 24 months. She holds the World Record!!!

YouTube - Cambridge Diet world record weight loss 24st in 24 months

Keep your eye on your dream of doing all the things you want to do like skydiving, black water rafting, hiking.

One of the things about CD is the quick results in the first few weeks which is very motivating and you might find like I did that you begin sleeping better, your energy levels increase and have an overall feeling of well being whilst in ketosis.

But coming here felt like coming home. I instantly fell in love with the lifestyle and the people. So welcoming and enveloping, it just felt right.

Start a mood board and print out the above quote of yours and stick it on it and remind yourself when the going gets tough that you have found your perfect home...not many can say that as most spend their whole life searching...

Love Mini xxx

 

[Kira]

CV I feel for you terribly! I reiterate what others have said in their posts. Start CD as soon as you can, you can take control. CD is not easy and like any other weightloss programme a certain amount of will power is required. Use the forum, keep a diary and keep as busy as you can. There are so many success stories on here, many maintaining and others like me re-starting and trying to gain control. Only you can do this. Your husband married you as you were all those months ago because he loved "you". Do this for and for him so you can enjoy your future together as husband and wife. Lots of hugs!

 

[crimson_vixen]

Hello again!

I have been absent from the boards for the last week, trying to get my head around things, and sorting out the direction which my life is going. My OH and I have had several heart-to-hearts this week, trying to sort things out. He wanted me to talk to him, but I wouldn't, so he had me write things down. And it went from there, and we have spent the week working through things. It has been quite an emotional week, with plenty of tears.

I have not started CD yet, but I thank you all for all the stuff and great advice that you have all given. Katycakes, you are right and the only way is up, and that is how I intend to keep looking at things when I start CD tomorrow. Although I cannot change what has happend, I intend to make the most of my time here in NZ.

I thank you all again, and hope that you continue to offer me support and encouragement on my CD journey. x

 

[LizzMB]

welcome aboard hun!!!!!!
You wont regret starting on this journey hun, its not easy to start with but it WILL improve...and you just need to keep in mind the reasons why your doing this and you will get through it!

I never thought i would make it through day 1, but i did, and nearly 22 weeks later, i'm 6 stone lighter and loving it still!

Here's to getting to goal hun!!!

xxx

 

[Guru]

You will not regret it CV. CD will change your life. Best of luck with your journey - keep coming to the boards, they are a great source of support.

 

[*Shelley*]

One day at a time chick, you will be able to do it as your desire is strong enough.

Also you have a load of people here who can understand most of what you are feeling.

Take care.

 

[cazmilligan]

Take one day, one hour at a time sweetheart, I promise you it will be worth it, you deserve to be happy, you deserve to be thin, you deserve to be in control of your destiny, these are your ights in life, grab hold of them and don't let anything or anyone get in your way of those rights x

 

[Katycakes]

Crimson, we are here for you... and you've made a great start already, because the emotional baggage is much more important than we know in the whole weight gain/loss equation. When I started my own journey I had never admitted even to myself the way I was with food or the that some of what I was doing was almost a kind of self-harm. Gradually i began to see this, and then was able to share with OH. Your OH sounds like a great guy, and with his support and encouragement you will get to goal.

Big hugs and as Lizz & others have said, welcome on board.

xxx