crimson_vixen
Shoe Lover
Ok, so here we go...
I am due to start CD tomorrow. I seriously want to start and get the weight off. But things just seem to have finally hit rock bottom. I say finally as I feel as if I have been waiting for it to happen for a long time. There can be no denying that I have been very unhappy for sometime, stretching back to before I left the UK last November. I just have not been able to admit it to myself.
I wanted to be slim to do this trip so I could partake in all the things I had dreamed of doing, skydiving, black water rafting, hiking. And I did loose some weight and I thought that I was set. But I lost my way and ended up further away than when I started. I was commited to the trip and had to go. I was determined that my weight was not going to stop me from seeing the world.
Hong Kong was hard, not just because of the heat, but the people stared and mocked in their native tongue. We went out at random times to avoid crowds, and spent too much time holed up in our cheap box room. The flights were excrutiating. Twelve hours each, crammed in and uncomforatble next to my fiance, not even two valiums could take the edge off my discomfort and hatred of myself for putting us both through it.
But coming here felt like coming home. I instantly fell in love with the lifestyle and the people. So welcoming and enveloping, it just felt right. There didn't seem any need to worry about my weight when we were having a good time and getting a tan, and there was a wedding to plan. Not even finding a wedding dress here was hard. A magical, crystal encrusted gown that made me feel and look beautiful, even if it was a size 30.
The wedding was perfect. And it stays perfect until I look at the video. In my mind I looked incredible, the reality of the video tells another story. It is not what I wanted for myself, it is not what I wanted for my husband and our families.
The wedding was 7 months ago, and my life has just spun out of control. I have no job and I am living so far away from my family and friends. I wanted so much from this trip, but it has turned out nothing like I imagined, and I know it is my fault. How can I trek over volcanos or pick fruit for cash when I can barely stand for any length of time? How can I make the most of life when all I can do is sleep and avoid contact with everybody?
My husband tries his best, he works as hard as his shifts will allow, but there is resentment there. He works whilst I sit at home and wish for better times. He tries, but he doesn't understand. It puts a strain on things especially since we now have to make a choice on what to do next, do we stay or do we go? There is no choice. My weight is a roadblock. A blight on the NZ immigration radar meaning home is the only option. He wants to go home, but I want to stay, and it is tearing me up inside knowing that the reason I can't stay is because of my own choices, my mistakes.
So now I can't stop crying. I'm not even sure why I am crying. It may be because I don't want to go home, or because nothing has changed and this big trip was for nothing and has achieved nothing. But mostly I think it's because I have let things go so far that I am not sure I can ever get them back. And it is my own fault.
I guess it all started this morning when I said goodbye to my wedding dress, after selling it for much needed cash. It has just continued down hill from there. Silly really. But how can I make such a huge change to my life when I am not sure that I have anything left to fight with? Is this really the right time for me?
Sorry to go on and on. It has actually made me feel a little better to write it all down. x
I am due to start CD tomorrow. I seriously want to start and get the weight off. But things just seem to have finally hit rock bottom. I say finally as I feel as if I have been waiting for it to happen for a long time. There can be no denying that I have been very unhappy for sometime, stretching back to before I left the UK last November. I just have not been able to admit it to myself.
I wanted to be slim to do this trip so I could partake in all the things I had dreamed of doing, skydiving, black water rafting, hiking. And I did loose some weight and I thought that I was set. But I lost my way and ended up further away than when I started. I was commited to the trip and had to go. I was determined that my weight was not going to stop me from seeing the world.
Hong Kong was hard, not just because of the heat, but the people stared and mocked in their native tongue. We went out at random times to avoid crowds, and spent too much time holed up in our cheap box room. The flights were excrutiating. Twelve hours each, crammed in and uncomforatble next to my fiance, not even two valiums could take the edge off my discomfort and hatred of myself for putting us both through it.
But coming here felt like coming home. I instantly fell in love with the lifestyle and the people. So welcoming and enveloping, it just felt right. There didn't seem any need to worry about my weight when we were having a good time and getting a tan, and there was a wedding to plan. Not even finding a wedding dress here was hard. A magical, crystal encrusted gown that made me feel and look beautiful, even if it was a size 30.
The wedding was perfect. And it stays perfect until I look at the video. In my mind I looked incredible, the reality of the video tells another story. It is not what I wanted for myself, it is not what I wanted for my husband and our families.
The wedding was 7 months ago, and my life has just spun out of control. I have no job and I am living so far away from my family and friends. I wanted so much from this trip, but it has turned out nothing like I imagined, and I know it is my fault. How can I trek over volcanos or pick fruit for cash when I can barely stand for any length of time? How can I make the most of life when all I can do is sleep and avoid contact with everybody?
My husband tries his best, he works as hard as his shifts will allow, but there is resentment there. He works whilst I sit at home and wish for better times. He tries, but he doesn't understand. It puts a strain on things especially since we now have to make a choice on what to do next, do we stay or do we go? There is no choice. My weight is a roadblock. A blight on the NZ immigration radar meaning home is the only option. He wants to go home, but I want to stay, and it is tearing me up inside knowing that the reason I can't stay is because of my own choices, my mistakes.
So now I can't stop crying. I'm not even sure why I am crying. It may be because I don't want to go home, or because nothing has changed and this big trip was for nothing and has achieved nothing. But mostly I think it's because I have let things go so far that I am not sure I can ever get them back. And it is my own fault.
I guess it all started this morning when I said goodbye to my wedding dress, after selling it for much needed cash. It has just continued down hill from there. Silly really. But how can I make such a huge change to my life when I am not sure that I have anything left to fight with? Is this really the right time for me?
Sorry to go on and on. It has actually made me feel a little better to write it all down. x