SA's 810 and beyond diary a.k.a My daily kick up my own behind ;-)

[minilady]

Thanks for all your comments

I stayed in a farm cottage on the north coast just outside Boscastle (only a few miles away from Tintagel) and it was beautiful.

Boscastle is lovely too!! Did you go in the witches museum? I love the mysticism of Cornwall, so many stories and myths, and some great stone circles and monoliths, and of course the cream teas and pasties arent bad either

Back to work today...hols seem like a lifetime ago already but I'm pleased to be back to a routine when it comes to my food. After some careful eating yesterday (including the first of this year's salad and new potatoes fresh from the garden!) my tummy has debloated slightly this morning thank goodness

Your bound to have a bit of excess glycogen, it'll be gone before you know it.

Tracey
xxx

 

[Serena A]

I did see the witches museum but it was closed so we couldn't go in. Cornwall is very mystical isn't it - the cottage we stayed in had a few books one of which was The Davinci Code which I read whilst I was there - certainly added to the atmosphere especially with Tintagel just down the road!

 

[Serena A]

:argh:

I am a silly, silly girl.

I went to my first weigh-in with my CDC tonight in three weeks and what happened - the panic about my holiday eating suddenly set in and I refused to be weighed. I mean WTF??

Up until that point I wasn't exactly proud of overindulging but it was no big deal in the grand scheme of things, just a holiday romance with some "bad" food. There's only so far you can go backwards in a few days so I know logically it can't be that bad. It wasn't until I had to come face-to-face with seeing a number on the scales, judging me in black and white, that I suddenly went from being relatively relaxed about it all to feeling like a huge, fat failure.

The binge demons are now calling me with full force, telling me that going back to my old ways is inevitable if not now then definitely some time in the future, so why not get it over and done with and start stuffing my face until my body is once again as fat as my stoopid mind.

How can I care so much and yet care so little at the same time??

 

[Katycakes]

Nooooo.... Serena, just been in that place... same worries, same binge demons, same care/don't care. I know how you're feeling but please pull back from edge... don't let yourself go there. Big hugs and keep posting if you are struggling.

xxx

 

[sleepybird]

Oh darling, don't be so hard on yourself! Yes you are a super, duper person but you are still only human. For years, you like me, had over eating/binging as the norm and its still only been a relatively short time that we have turned our lives around and are reaping the benefits of all the hard work we put in. You look great, you feel great and are exercising like a good 'un so don't let the demon get the better of you.
Brush your teeth and go to bed if you have to.
Am feeling for you big time. See how you feel in the morning after a sleep. Come on chick xxx

 

[sleepybird]

Ooops, crossed posts with Katy but see, you aren't on your own xx

 

[minilady]

:argh:

I am a silly, silly girl.

I went to my first weigh-in with my CDC tonight in three weeks and what happened - the panic about my holiday eating suddenly set in and I refused to be weighed. I mean WTF??

Up until that point I wasn't exactly proud of overindulging but it was no big deal in the grand scheme of things, just a holiday romance with some "bad" food. There's only so far you can go backwards in a few days so I know logically it can't be that bad. It wasn't until I had to come face-to-face with seeing a number on the scales, judging me in black and white, that I suddenly went from being relatively relaxed about it all to feeling like a huge, fat failure.

It's just a panic moment, you are in no way a failure. Everybody indulges on holiday, please dont feel guilty about it, I know that's easier said than done.

The binge demons are now calling me with full force, telling me that going back to my old ways is inevitable if not now then definitely some time in the future, so why not get it over and done with and start stuffing my face until my body is once again as fat as my stoopid mind.

How can I care so much and yet care so little at the same time??

:hug99:

You're going to be fine, these feelings are perfectly normal in the early stages of maintenance. Hang in there, you know you can beat the demons.

Tracey
xxx

 

[Serena A]

Thanks Katy, you're always so encouraging.

I hate being in the real world food-wise, it does my head in. I'd love to blame it on that sneaky leptin trying to drag me back under but to be honest I'm just feeling tired of it all, tired of feeling...erm...healthy? Of feeling good? Makes no sense at all does it

 

[Serena A]

Ooops crossed some posts there...I feel like welling up cos everyone's so lovely.

Thanks so much Sleepy and Tracey xx

 

[minilady]

Thanks Katy, you're always so encouraging.

I hate being in the real world food-wise, it does my head in. I'd love to blame it on that sneaky leptin trying to drag me back under but to be honest I'm just feeling tired of it all, tired of feeling...erm...healthy? Of feeling good? Makes no sense at all does it

Makes perfect sense to me. Maintaining is sooo much harder than dieting with CD. Whilst dieting we feel in control we know what we are allowed and not allowed, no weighing, calorie counting, no thinking! Then wham bam into maintenance, all foods are allowed and the lovely feeling of control seems to be lost:sigh:

I also felt that maintaining for me was still dieting in a way, except no weight losses to keep me motivated, no encouraging comments from friends and relatives. I began to feel I would be dieting forever

It took time but slowly my mindset changed and so will yours.

Tracey
xxx

 

[Katycakes]

Serena, what you have posted about feeling fed up... that was me exactly on Tuesday. I had had a long weekend of lovely treat stuff and then had to go back to real world - work, healthy food, control. And I did weigh, and scales were not kind, and that tipped me off the edge. I was SOOOO battling, felt out of control, the voices kept saying, 'just relax and give in, eat, be happy again...'

I know bl***y well that stuffing my face with chocolate never made me happy. Exactly the opposite. It brought me so low I didn't know where to turn. And the more you surrender to that voice, to the binges, the more painful it is... eat cr**, feel bad, feel ashamed, feel helpless, out of control, feel failure. For me it was a form of self harm/punishment.

I do NOT want to go back there again, & though your details may be different, I know you don't want to go back to that place either.

I felt sick on Tuesday, scared and stressed and fearful and shaken that I could be so much in the grip of the cravings & binge impulses. I was not in control. But wednesday... so different. The whole feeling was different, the fear and panic had gone, i felt relaxed and able to cope again.

I think both of us have had some kind of kickback after a period of letting go/free eating. A resistance to letting go of that, and a mild panic about weight gain. There was a mantra I kept in my head on Tues afternoon & all of wednesday... keep the faith. You'll be fine, as Mini, Sleepy & others know. And it helps to know this kind of thing is not unusual at this stage. We can learn from it. Hang on honey, and big hugs.

xxx

 

[Serena A]

I also felt that maintaining for me was still dieting in a way, except no weight losses to keep me motivated, no encouraging comments from friends and relatives. I began to feel I would be dieting forever

Yep...I'm definitely in that frame of mind at the moment. I feel like I'm "on a diet" because I still see my CDC for weigh-ins, but I'm not yet ready to cut the ties entirely because I have to learn to walk before I can run...feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place :sigh:

 

[Serena A]

Serena, what you have posted about feeling fed up... that was me exactly on Tuesday. I had had a long weekend of lovely treat stuff and then had to go back to real world - work, healthy food, control. And I did weigh, and scales were not kind, and that tipped me off the edge. I was SOOOO battling, felt out of control, the voices kept saying, 'just relax and give in, eat, be happy again...'

I know bl***y well that stuffing my face with chocolate never made me happy. Exactly the opposite. It brought me so low I didn't know where to turn. And the more you surrender to that voice, to the binges, the more painful it is... eat cr**, feel bad, feel ashamed, feel helpless, out of control, feel failure. For me it was a form of self harm/punishment.

I do NOT want to go back there again, & though your details may be different, I know you don't want to go back to that place either.

I felt sick on Tuesday, scared and stressed and fearful and shaken that I could be so much in the grip of the cravings & binge impulses. I was not in control. But wednesday... so different. The whole feeling was different, the fear and panic had gone, i felt relaxed and able to cope again.

I think both of us have had some kind of kickback after a period of letting go/free eating. A resistance to letting go of that, and a mild panic about weight gain. There was a mantra I kept in my head on Tues afternoon & all of wednesday... keep the faith. You'll be fine, as Mini, Sleepy & others know. And it helps to know this kind of thing is not unusual at this stage. We can learn from it. Hang on honey, and big hugs.

xxx

It's weird you know, what's thrown me off track is not so much the weight gain whatever that may be, because I know I can deal with that within a week or two, but the fact that I feel like my head/mentality has gone back to square one.

You know how it is when you (a general you, not you personally) have a binge and then feel like you've regained all of your weight in one day - well I kind of feel like I've suddenly regained all of my weight issues if that makes sense?? Or maybe I never lost them at all...

I know it takes time to get to grips with everything but I just have that feeling of inevitable failure hanging over me like the Sword of Damocles.

Sorry I'm having such a whinge xx

 

[Katycakes]

Whinge away honey but I promise, it will pass if you keep fighting it. I just felt exactly the same. There'd have been no reasoning with me on tuesday, I even stopped posting in case anyone tried to argue with me. I felt bloated and awful and so, so upset and in my eyes that was a binge day even though the list of what I ate was nothing compared to what it may once have been. It was the FEELINGS that were the same, the sense of fatality, loss of control, jumping off the edge of a cliff.

For me it was a shock to know that could happen. Hadn't had a binge episode since late December, and then there I was back in the grip of it. A part of me knew I hadn't beaten this, but you still hope. I am at the point of looking now to see what I can do to avoid a repeat... lessons learned, but each one at such cost, and such tiny steps of progress. But who said it had to be fast? Who said we had to be perfect?

Hang on in there Serena, not gonna let you fall.

xxx

 

[aussieraquel]

My gosh just wrote biggest post and as getting off bus musta deleted it im my rush, this forum makes me always nearly miss my stop. Anyway, basically said I agree serena that this is not easy. Its not fair that everyone appears to find life so easy whilst looking good and we have to work so da@! Hard. Cd is a safety net and that is what worries me, am I every gonna cd able to control these emotions, cos cd wont always be there to turn to to put me back on track. Katy and serena, your comments bought tears to my eyes as I am im that place too, emotionally, admitting there is something not right and finding a solution is going to be even harder. You are so strong serena, and can do this without cd! You need to believe that.

 

[sleepybird]

Hope you are feeling better today Serena. Thinking of you xx

 

[penny35]

Hi my darling, sorry your having such a hard time at the moment.
Please dont forget that your a wonderful person and that you have done so well.

I think the demons are always going to be there, unlike me, you have made it to goal, and that is a massive thing!
There is no reason to think that you will gain the weight back, I totally understand that you feel it may come back, but I dont think it will for you, if it was going to, it would of by now.

I was just looking at the race for life site, and hoping to be able to join tomorrow, but it isnt to be, so despite saying I wasnt going to do it, Iam now disappointed that I cant just join on the day, I should of signed up earlier and then made the decision on the day, but whats done is done, you have a wonderful time tomorrow, its an amazing event.

You take care, my lovely one.

 

[KD]

Hey Serena. Be patient with yourself. It takes time :hug99:

 

[BREN]

Hi Serena,

Oh food......... what shall we do with it? Eat it like we know and want to. It's time to enjoy life and find a balance with your mind and your relationship with the scales. Perhaps give them up and rely on the tape measure? or your clothes.

You know how to eat and you holiday was just that (good and indulgent foods). But you did say that you are now back at work and into routine so know that in a week or two it will be all back to normal.

Stay positive and tell Mr Negative in your head where the door is!

Bren
XX

 

[Laura Croft]

No words of advice from this corner of the world but just wanted to say I know you will get back on track, have faith in yourself. x