Scotsmist diary - from 1 jan 2010

[slimmer2moro]

did you have a problem with hair loss last time you came off tfr, it is a worry of mine cos after just 3 weeks I did have quite alot coming out. This time i am taking hair vit. xx

 

[Scotsmist]

oh yes,,,,and when I visited the hairdresser the other week he was horrified as my colour had gone really strange. He reckons it is/was LT. My hair is quite fine now but I reckon that is because I straighten it as well.

I bought some special shampoo/conditioner and leave in conditioner which was recommended.

I am dreading that part of it again as well. I have a lot of hair loss as it is with my thyroid but with LT it is even worse....unfortunately! Another side effect of LT!

 

[Scotsmist]

Day 27
All I can say I am still here, but to say I am in constant battle is an understatement. I cant go on any longer; I am being so honest. I havent cheated once in 4 weeks, and it isnt so much food, but it is the addiction. I wish I could explain it - feel I am letting myself and everyone down. I wish I was normal.

Got WI tomorrow and also have the ED course...I am finding it very difficult coping with work - the smallest thing is making me stress and I look after a very wealthy family and to be honest cant afford to make mistakes or stress..I have too much responsibility. This is worrying as normally I cope admirably and thrive on stress, but this past 4 weeks has been hell on earth. Today I nearly blew it and it isnt good.

Anyway, I had a lovely time at coreball tonight; me, hubby and the trainer ;-) Then I had a swim, went for a jacuzzi, then the steam room, then the sauna and lastly went into the Turkish room...so, feel so relaxed now, but feel so downhearted about my whole situation.

My last time on LT I breezed throught it; this time I am not! I just dont know why and dont know if it is now the ED course is worrying me but I dont feel I am worrying.

No point pretending, lying or trying to kid or kid others on; I am just not a happy bunny...so up and down it is ridiculous.

Anyway, at least I am still here and Day 28 is near!!

​

 

[emmievic]

Awww hun I really feel for you, is it really worth all of this stress and rollercoaster of emotions? You know we are all here for you if you decide to carry on but you mustn't feel a failure of disheartened if you choose to do it another way. Its your life and only you know what is right for you.
I so hope you can find a way thro this xxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Scotsmist]

Awww hun I really feel for you, is it really worth all of this stress and rollercoaster of emotions? You know we are all here for you if you decide to carry on but you mustn't feel a failure of disheartened if you choose to do it another way. Its your life and only you know what is right for you.
I so hope you can find a way thro this xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks Emm
I just hate being like this; I am a very constant person, through everything. This is one of my strong points and you usually always find me the same way. I hate when you never know how people will be, but me, I am always the same,,,USUALLY! And my character is like a Jekyll and Hyde at the minute.

I am so close, but my hubby said tonight to me that we will do this together. He thinks the 10st thing is holding me back. If I thought I could do this by doing 2 shakes and a meal I would, and my pharmacist said she would support me...I suppose it is like refeeding for over a month. I just dont know whether I will feel the biggest failure ever!

Strangely enough, the past few days I have not felt one bit hungry! I know it isnt that, it is the sweatiness, the aggitation, the irrational thoughts, etc that are getting to me the most! I wont give into binging, but I need a different path at the minute. I need a safety net again.

Oh, sorry, I hate being negative, I will close...I am still Iris positive and want to see the good in every situation, I never want to become morbid or down..it isnt the way!

I will go to bed early tonight and tomorrow is a new day and who knows what it will throw at me tomorrow

Thanks for listening emm....I just have to get my thoughts down; I know it will help me if I get through this episode!

 

[louisebell26]

hey sweetie,, i guess youll get this in the morning..its a whole new day and i hope you managed to get a decents night sleep. your such an inspiration for all of us but only you know whats best for you. you wouldnt be a failure if you had a meal etc, your only a failure when you completly give up and dont reach your potential.and dont try. and you my dear will do none of those things. Just try and have some time out to think about what you think is best for you and remember that choice isnt forever, you can chop and change to whatever suits! i hope your feeling a bit better...lots and lots of positive vibes heading your way.... *hugs* x

 

[annes]

Hi, really sorry to read how you're feeling - as Bells just said, you are such an inspiration to us. I wonder why you are feeling so stressed - would the increase in your thyroid medication have any bearing on it? It sounds like I used to feel when my blood sugar was too low.
Are you good at meditating? You are in control of you and these thoughts that bug you so - remember you are free to make choices and no one but you will judge you for it. Sometimes we have to accept ourselves and our wild thoughts because the more we fight the bigger they get. Tell yourself you are free to eat, drink, whatever - but just for today you wont. Its an addiction we have isn't it? Like smoking or drink - perhaps the 'just for today' will quieten the thoughts. You are 'the master of your ship, the captain of your soul' your thoughts are not. Thank you for all the encouragement you give. Now you be encouraged too!

 

[Scotsmist]

hey sweetie,, i guess youll get this in the morning..its a whole new day and i hope you managed to get a decents night sleep. your such an inspiration for all of us but only you know whats best for you. you wouldnt be a failure if you had a meal etc, your only a failure when you completly give up and dont reach your potential.and dont try. and you my dear will do none of those things. Just try and have some time out to think about what you think is best for you and remember that choice isnt forever, you can chop and change to whatever suits! i hope your feeling a bit better...lots and lots of positive vibes heading your way.... *hugs* x

No decent sleep..that is just not coming these days. Thank you for your kind words!

Hi, really sorry to read how you're feeling - as Bells just said, you are such an inspiration to us. I wonder why you are feeling so stressed - would the increase in your thyroid medication have any bearing on it? It sounds like I used to feel when my blood sugar was too low.
Are you good at meditating? You are in control of you and these thoughts that bug you so - remember you are free to make choices and no one but you will judge you for it. Sometimes we have to accept ourselves and our wild thoughts because the more we fight the bigger they get. Tell yourself you are free to eat, drink, whatever - but just for today you wont. Its an addiction we have isn't it? Like smoking or drink - perhaps the 'just for today' will quieten the thoughts. You are 'the master of your ship, the captain of your soul' your thoughts are not. Thank you for all the encouragement you give. Now you be encouraged too!

Hi Annes
What a lovely post..thank you. My thyroid function is ok I think....I am back at the docs in Feb so they will do some tests again.
I suppose being addicted is the main thing, so I have a choice and it goes two ways,,,bad or good choice..so far I am on the good choice but it is just a mind game, that is all.
I would have given up completely if it wasnt for the forum

 

[Scotsmist]

Day 28

Lost over 2lbs today!!! My pharmacist said she could see my face had gotten really thin

Still here! Still hanging on.
Didnt get to the ED Course! A very long story involving my train, which took over 2 hours to do a normal 15 min journey! To say frustrated is an understatement! So, I will have to wait till next week now before I am able to start properly. Really annoyed but there was absolutely nothing I could do! Apart from making lots of phone calls !!!

So, here I come Day 29!

 

[louisebell26]

oh thats a bit annoying at least your frustration didnt lead to you giving it to food!!...keep up the good work..day by day...x

 

[emmievic]

Goodness nearly a month, you are doing fab, be proud of what you have achieved xx

 

[Scotsmist]

Day 30

The day started with a BIG HUGE BAR OF CHOC being sent in the post!! It is for a Willie Wonka Birthday Party.....I had to ask the hubby to hide the bar of choc, which he has done Phew! What a nightmare!!!!

Found my positivity again today and went to the gym; did only 5 mins on the crosstrainer and 10 mins on the treadmill and some time on the weights...I will do the same again tomorrow ;-)

I weighed myself on the scales at the gym.....10 7 it says!! hahaha....I asked the trainer if the scales were accurate and he said yes! Oh, wouldnt it be nice if I could just say I have lost 3lbs just like that!!!! But, lo and behold I will have to keep using the scales of the pharmacist!! I never weigh myself between going to the pharmacy, but I just had to today....so, at least they showed I was lighter rather than heavier

I reckon I will be refeeding around 21 Feb, so have 4 more weigh ins then. Whether I have go to the 10st or not, this is the date I have decided on...It gives me 3 weeks refeed before my reunion and I feel better with a longer refeed time.

Well, I just feel so relieved that I can see the end in sight and I am not thinking how gruesome this is!

 

[louisebell26]

haha i read only half of the first line and thought you had eaten the chocolate bar!!!!!! but thank goodness you got it to be hidden!!
how great that must have felt at the gym! and your nearly there!...positive day it seems,,good job on getting some time at the gym!!...nealy there nearly there.... positivity all the way..keep it up girly X

 

[JanD]

Iris ... I'm so sorry you're struggling!! And to not be able to go and start your ED course is almost adding insult to injury isn't it?? What a bummer!

You can do this though lady, I know you can .... YOU know you can ... not far to go now and light at the end of the tunnel with the course ...... ?

Look after yourself Iris and take all the support from your husband, your trainer and everybody else you can get!! xxx

 

[Scotsmist]

haha i read only half of the first line and thought you had eaten the chocolate bar!!!!!! but thank goodness you got it to be hidden!!
how great that must have felt at the gym! and your nearly there!...positive day it seems,,good job on getting some time at the gym!!...nealy there nearly there.... positivity all the way..keep it up girly X

Thanks Bells.....I tell you, the weight of the bar was heavy! It was a really thick, thick bar and if I am honest, I just wanted to open it and devour it!!!! But, I didnt - phew....
Thanks for your vibes....positive as always

Iris ... I'm so sorry you're struggling!! And to not be able to go and start your ED course is almost adding insult to injury isn't it?? What a bummer!

You can do this though lady, I know you can .... YOU know you can ... not far to go now and light at the end of the tunnel with the course ...... ?

Look after yourself Iris and take all the support from your husband, your trainer and everybody else you can get!! xxx

Jan!!! ARe you back Did you have a lovely time?????? Hope so...look forward to reading all about it.
Yes, it has been a touch week, but I am still here and I got through it; JUST!!!
The ED course was so upsetting, but they gave me the homework to do so I have done that, plus I didnt miss much as it was just the night of introductions - thankfully! But, it just couldnt have happened on the most important night ever! Oh, well, I have got over it now

Onwards I go; definitely on countdown !!!!

 

[Scotsmist]

Day 31
Well, what a difference a few days makes..honestly. Had such a good day!

I didnt get up till mid day!!!! I suppose I must have needed it so I am not fretting over it. I have done so much today!!! I had set myself goals, and have done all bar one.

1. sow my broadbeans - DONE
2. batch cook for the full week - DONE
3. Clear the front of the house (needed brushing, etc) - DONE
4. Ironing - DONE (yipppeeee)
5. Gym - DIDNT DO!!

So, 4 out of 5 aint too bad. I could have gone to the gym, but I had worked so hard today and was smelling of food, etc...that I wanted a bath and a face mask, etc and just wanted to relax....so, it seemed silly to do that, then go to the gym, have another shower, etc, etc......no worries, as we are there tomorrow anyway!

I cant believe how I feel today. I have got so much energy! I think getting outside makes the difference..being an outside person and just loving the land and all that goes with it. Just felt so invigorated!!!!

I just feel that I can do this. I am enjoying my three choc shakes a day !! I am not fretting about not eating or not having the head fights that I have had the past few weeks.

Tomorrow is another day, but I have just got to bottle up this feeling and keep going and know that I am almost there!

 

[emmievic]

Aww that was so lovely to read...glad you have had the turnaround you were waiting for.

Heres to a good week for all xxxx

 

[louisebell26]

yay scotsmist you got it!!!
all that work you did makes us for the gym im sure,,it all adds up.
so happy youre feeling beeter now. the bad times are always followed by good times we need to remember that,but its hard when we get so down.. hopefully your still feeling great today first day of a new month and new you keep it up xx

 

[Scotsmist]

Aww that was so lovely to read...glad you have had the turnaround you were waiting for.

Heres to a good week for all xxxx

Thanks Emmievic; it seemed a long time in coming ;-)! But only just too glad it has arrived and I will enjoy it whilst it lasts

yay scotsmist you got it!!!
all that work you did makes us for the gym im sure,,it all adds up.
so happy youre feeling beeter now. the bad times are always followed by good times we need to remember that,but its hard when we get so down.. hopefully your still feeling great today first day of a new month and new you keep it up xx

Thanks Bells ..yes, I read that from your post how bad always follows good, and will remember that in future !!!

 

[JanD]

WooHooooooo!!!! YAY!!!! I'm soooooo pleased you've had a better day Iris! As you say bottle it and use it whenever you need it or better yet - sell it (pleeeease ).

Here's to many more days of this positivity & feeling good