showing my weakness.

Discussion in 'Cambridge Weight Plan' started by cherylxx, 1 February 2011 Social URL.

  1. cherylxx

    cherylxx Silver Member

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    ok, i have considered writing this post for a long long time but have always for some reason avoided it in the end but here goes.
    i dont know if this even relates to my weight issues ( although i suspect it must be a factor at least ) but i do know it is affecting me greatly.
    now im typing im not even sure i know how to explain it....
    ok, for some reason for as long as i can remember no matter where i am and who i am with i am convinced people dont like me.
    this is even happening here on minimins. nobody has ( to my knowledge ) spoken badly of me here ... oh this is so hard to explain.
    for example, if i put a post on and ive seen certain people reply to other similar posts but they dont reply to mine i immediately think it is because they hate me.
    this affects me everywhere, including in my family life.
    i constantly feel like my family would be happier if i werent around. i look for tell tale signs of them not liking my company.
    the thing is if people dont like me i dont blame them at all cause i dont like me much either.
    im now very tempted to just delete all this text before going any further so, the hell with it. im just gonna hit submit so i have no going back.
     
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  3. Tarragon

    Tarragon Silver Member

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    Don't want to read and run, but not much time before work. I would recommend CBT it is an amazing therapy designed to get you to rethink your thinking processes, by being brave enough to admit your insecurities,you are ready to face those demons and that is really brave, speak to your dr, in some places cbt is on the nhs.
    Got to go, but take care and hugs xx
     
  4. chele80

    chele80 On a mission

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    Aw hun. I feel a bit like this. Maybe not to the extent as you do but can relate to what you're saying

    What do you think needs to change?
    Do you think the weightloss will actually help or you'll continue to feel like this?
    Have you worked out why you feel like this?

    Xx
     
  5. determinator

    determinator Banned

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    hey hun I can totally totally relate to you there !!! I have always felt like that , all my life I have felt that no one really likes me , and the friends I did have .. I used to question their motives and even at time ask them why they were my friends !!!

    I totally think this is a result of the fact that I never liked myself and could see no reason that anyone else would either !!! I had zero confidence and felt I was boring etc ......

    It is only in the last few years that my feelings have changed ( although I sometimes feel the same , like here , when no one comments on my diary , or on my posts ..) but I think its a combination of having children and loosing the weight that have changed my view on myself totally !!! Having children gave me far more confidence and made me re assess my priorities .... a lot of my friends have loads of 'friends ' but most of them are just people they go out drinking with or know a bit .. where as I have few , but very close friends , which is far more important to me !!!

    I am sure you have friends who are honoured to have you on their friends list and I hope that as you loose weight and gain confidence , you feel better in yourself and see that even if people dont like you .. its their loss not yours !!!!!
    ( and i find watching Jeremy Kyle always makes me feel better about myself !!! hehehehehe )
     
  6. Goreygirl

    Goreygirl Gold Member

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    Hi hon

    This sort of distorted thinking can be so painful for us but the good news is that it is a learned behaviour so can be broken. Becoming aware of it and it's negative impact is the first step in the process so well done you for being brave enough to put it out there.

    I agree with Nikki that a form of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy would be best as it helps us identify those internal beliefs driving our thinking and change them to more positive healthy ones. It turns the negative cycle into a positive one. Unfortunatly waiting lists on the NHS can be lengthy (as it is such a good therapy) and I have no idea if you can afford private (usually at least 6 sessions are needed) so I have posted some links that you may find helpful to start working through yourself. Just be patient with yourself.... you've had years of learning and re-enforcing this belief within yourself so it will not be a habit you can break in a few days. But the basis of the technique is calling your attention to when you notice your thoughts going this way and challenging them with the rational evidence (you have friends that contact you, we have all responded to this, your family love you etc). The more and more you do this the easier it will become and the frequency of the negative thoughts will decline gradually.

    Living Life To The Full - an excellent CBT based 6 week programe you work through on line in modules to help you change negative beliefs.

    Centre for Clinical Interventions (CCI) - Psychotherapy, Research, Training is an excellent workbook of modules to gradually work through on paper.


    Living Life To The Full is an online modular style programme that yo may find more to your preference.

    Good luck honey xx
     
  7. cherylxx

    cherylxx Silver Member

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    thank you all for the replies.
    its a comfort to know that some people can relate to the way i feel ( and have felt for a long time now ).
    i have hesitated coming online today. i had convinced myself that i would either get no replies or even worse would get people saying negative.
    thank gg for the links, i will be giving them a good read and since i have to go to the doctors anyway i will try to pluck up the courage to mention it.
    i wish i knew why i feel like this.
    i used to move house a lot, feeling like i could leave it behind but sadly no matter where i am i have to take ME with me.
    i dont know if my weight is the cause but i do know that the bigger i get the more i feel like an embarrassment to others and feel like they must dread being seen in public with me. i know i dread it :sigh:.
    i have even doubted my mothers love to me although i have never mentioned or questioned it to her. i just look for signs that she doesnt want me to visit, to go to family functions, perhaps loves my sister more because she is much slimmer etc.
    i honestly dont know if losing the weight will be the magic cure. used to say i hate my weight but being practical.... i hate me.:(
    I have issues that are so hard to talk about. stupid things going on that no 'normal' person would struggle with.
    without going into too much detail i have major issues with going out.
    i suffer from chronic IBS which tends to be triggered the moment i step outside and causes panic, then i get terrified that im going to need to toilet urgently when there isnt a toilet available.
    my home is my safety net, beyond my house is my danger zone.
    i didnt go to my own grans ( who i loved so so much ) funeral 12 years ago (have struggled with going out for 16 years now) because i was so scared of going into a panic needing the toilet. i feel soooo ashamed of that.
    And now my little sister has asked me to be her bridesmaid in october..... what was she thinking... asking me to do something so important?
    i would LOVE to do it but realistically.... i will be lucky if i even get to the wedding at all :cry:. i am so useless. i am totally controlled by my toilet habits.... and i wonder why i hate myself.
     
  8. Goreygirl

    Goreygirl Gold Member

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    Hey hon... it sounds like you may also have a bit of an anxiety disorder too so it's well worth mentioning to your GP. If that feels too scary then print out the posts you have written here and just hand it to him/her? That way you are honest with him without having to say it? The more they know what's going on in your head the more they'll be able to help you.

    As to why you feel this way? At some stage in your past when you were very young you picked up a message somewhere that you weren't good enough... through a child's eyes things adults do can become distorted (so it's not about blaming anyone in your past just acknowledging that events contributed). That message was re-enforced with further events over time until it became what is known as a "core belief"... this core belief would then have distorted your perceptions of events so that any interaction would have been distorted with the negative view and it becomes a vicious circle that re-enforces itself until you challenge it (with support and help).
     
  9. leeds123

    leeds123 Silver Member

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    aw darling, dont be afraid. i think a lot of us feel that. I always feel like the 'friend' that is grateful to have friends and people pick up on this. im sure thats why i dont have any close friends cos i always think they dont really like me and think why would anyone like me. i think it all comes back down to self esteem and self worth. In the past i have felt worthless and so dont understand why someone would want to be friends.

    determinator is right though, as you grow older the need to be accepted lessens, esp when you have kids as you are needed every minute of the day by them. also, its less important for me now to have friends, i dont need that validation any more. i have wonderful sisters and i think growing up so close to them has meant friends never really got a look in. i also have a complex relationship with my mother and think that has affected my self esteem, even though I have always been told I am very very good looking.

    Dont feel alone or ashamed for writing it down. and dont take it personally if people dont reply to you. I know that I often reply to posts that move me, or are by people I am friends with now. this is not because i want to exclude others but because I am often time limited. However, I totally understand how you feel cos in the past I have posted and no one has replied and I have been sad. I'll keep an eye out for your posts from now on! take care cheryl
     
  10. georgie12345

    georgie12345 Full Member

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    Hey,
    I get that too, although don't post very often & to be honest suppose I'm not so well educated on this diet as other people.
    I too have a confidence issue, but guess this is down to my weight. My hubby is very confident and can talk to anyone, but it takes me quite a long time to get to know someone (maybe I give off the wrong signals lol). Hope you feel chirpier soon x
     
  11. great things

    great things Gold Member

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    hi

    i don't think it's like that on here. i think sometimes people have posted and when i've read the replies i sometimes don't reply as i think that they've covered it. other times i might miss the post if it drops of the page etc. i'm sure i'm not alone. i think that it is size related as i used to think that way when i was a big girl, at my biggest being almost 22st and a size 28. i used to think people ignored me when i tried to talk to them, laughed at me behind my back, pointed from across the road etc. it's hard to feel emotionally good about yourself if you feel very self consious etc.

    if people don't reply don't be worried. the threads would be massively long if we all replied to everything. lol :D
     
  12. cherylxx

    cherylxx Silver Member

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    im so sorry everyone if i implied i was in some way disappointed with people here :(.
    thats not the case at all. i was purely trying to explain the way i feel about EVERYONE not just people on this site. im sorry if i gave the impression i was attention seeking and wanted everyone to reply to all my posts. that wasnt what i meant at all.:sigh:
    i had a feeling this was a bad post to do. shoulda listened to my 'keep it in' voice.
    thank you to all that have replied. sorry if i made u feel like u had to.
    i will stick to cd related topics in future, as i should have done to begin with.
    i think i just got too comfortable here and at ease to open up about subjects miles away from cd.
     
  13. Felix

    Felix Gold Member

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    Wow I just read your post and you sound like me. I have Social Anxiety Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder which make me feel exactly as you do. The OCD has gotten better as I've got older but the SAD is unfortunately a recent thing I've developed.
    I haven't had any treatment for them, because my doctor tried to put me on anti depressants which is something I really don't want to start taking.
    I have found though, as ive lost weight I have gained a bit of confidence and ever since I started my job last year the SAD isn't as bad.
    I don't really know what to suggest to you because I know how hard it is to speak to ANYONE about it (never mind your GP), but seeing the doctor does help or just telling someone about it feels like a massive weight off your shoulders.
     
  14. great things

    great things Gold Member

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    hey you should be able to talk about anything that bothers you here. hope you didn't mean me :p when i said about everyone repling to all the posts lol. just thought the state of the threads on here would be hilarious if that happened... would take you 2 weeks to read all the replies from one posts :D:D

    you should speak your mind, but online it's hard to interpret other's meanings when you are in person you can read people better. people will reply if they feel they can help not because they feel they have to, they reply to help you or to offer other advice etc. it's good to vent. i've vented to much in my diary over the last 4 months it's daft and i often wonder who in earth would read it as it's either been about my mum's problems or my exercise. then also closer to the heart topics like depression.

    believe me when i say that they'll be others out there that are glad you posted this as they're feeling this way and didn't have your courage to post this thread. they'll relate to you and what you are going through.

    i feel that life is an emotional rollercoaster and sometimes you've got to cling on for dear life as you'll fall off it. i've been digging my nails in for dear life over the past few months and totally understand what you are feeling as i have felt like this before.

    please keep posting about anything at all that worries you as, i promise, that someone out there is feeling the same but is not as brave as you to post about it!;)
     
  15. chazle

    chazle Full Member

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    Hi Cheryl
    just wanted to reply in relation to your last post as I don't think you are attention seeking or that you made a bad move by posting this on here
    This site is not just about diet issues as you well know
    I think you are really brave to come out and admit the way you feel I just hope you are brave enough to speak to your doctor to try and gain some help in boosting your self esteem

    Hope to hear positive things from you soon xxxxx
    xoxox Hugs xoxox
     
  16. Goreygirl

    Goreygirl Gold Member

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    Hey hon

    this is a perfect example of your negative filter distorting external events as you process them and feeding that inner demon. These are the sorts of things you have to take the power away from by questioning your immediate response against the fact that there might be another side to the story i.e. your version of reality doesn't necessarily have to be the truth?

    I hope that makes sense hon? And that you went ok with your GP today. Keep posting and writing....

    Hugs


    NB: and can I just say anti-depressants are not the only treatment available for such issues. Sometimes they are an essential part of a treatment programme (would you tell a Dr you didn't want a plaster of paris for a broken leg?), at other times a talking treatment and self help are effective enough on their own. But there tends to need to be at least 2 of the 3 going on for recovery.
     
  17. Felix

    Felix Gold Member

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    Sorry GG, I wasn't meant to be implying that anti depressants were the only treatment! I didn't explain myself well.
    Its all that was offered to me at the time and my ex boyfriend was on anti depressants and they didn't change him for the better so I have a sort of screwed view on them.



    Seriously you should try and talk to someone about it though. I know it's hard but it helps!
     
  18. cherylxx

    cherylxx Silver Member

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    thanks again for the replies.
    i havent been to the doctors yet as i wasnt able to get an appointment ( as usual).
    they have a stupid method at our surgery where u have to ring at 8.30am and hope to get an appointment that day. u cant even make an appointment for a few days time cause they just say ' call at 8.30 that morning to make an appointment' then it can take soooo long to get through that they have no appointments left :mad:
    so im gonna try again tomorrow :sigh:.
    dont know what, if anything will be offered to me when i do finally get in to see them.
     
  19. great things

    great things Gold Member

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    you should phone them and ask for an emergency app as you really need the docs. they're supposed to give you one.
     
  20. Felix

    Felix Gold Member

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    ahhhh Cheryl my doctors is exactly the same!!! What a stupid system. I was ill with an ear infection and tonsilitus last week and they open at 8. Rang engaged since 7.55 and got through at 8.06 and they were fully booked! I don't understand how they expect you to see a doctor this way.
     
  21. cherylxx

    cherylxx Silver Member

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    well, after argueing the toss with the receptionist i finally got an appointment booked to see the doctor on monday morning :sigh: and she sooooo didnt want to let me book in advance.
     
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