Show's over folks

[cateka]

:cry:Okay, today wasn't quite so good - I woke up this morning completely exhausted. I think this was because I managed to eat small amounts of food the day before with the 'little and often' method, but did two hours of very intensive exercise.

Anyway, I eat my one weetabix and walk (1/2 an hour) to Boots for some bits. By the time I get there I am so tired I have to sit down and have a black coffee. When I get home I grab my second weetabix and before I go to work I eat an orange, some melon and natural yohgurt. In my first shift at work I eat a 90 calorie cereal bar. In my second shift things are a bit delayed, one of my collegues puts aside this meal for me;
- 1 slice of ham
- 2 poached eggs
- 1 hash brown

And goes 'hurry up, eat it!' because I missed dinner and we are behind. I eat it without tasting it and feel disgusted at myself for not enjoying my one satisfying meal of the day.
When I get home my mother has made the most delicious smelling stir fry (you should have SEEN how tasty all those veggies looked) so I eat it. Suddenly I realise I've had two dinners, feel awful and then go 'what the hell'. So begins my binge;
- 1 bowl of chicken stir fry
- 2 mini pain au chocolates
- 2 slices of bread with honey
- 1 bowl of cereal
- 1 yoghurt pot

I threw most of this up later. My mother has a go. I feel terrible again. :cry:


Still, tomorrows another day, and I am amazed I made it over 48 hours without vomiting. Thank you for all the support guys, and yes, those pro-mia sites are to be avoided by all says me, no-one should be tricked into thinking they can control an eating disorder and not visa-versa.

 

[Surfhunny]

Still, tomorrows another day, and I am amazed I made it over 48 hours without vomiting. Thank you for all the support guys, and yes, those pro-mia sites are to be avoided by all says me, no-one should be tricked into thinking they can control an eating disorder and not visa-versa.

Hun, I've just read this entire thread and I really feel for you. I came very close to having an eating disorder myself when I was 16. It was an incredibly lonely time, no-one quite knows what you're going through. My mum frightened the living hell out of me about how it would affect my health and my future and because it hadn't yet consumed me, with her help I managed not to get into that downward spiral.

The very first hurdle is identifying to yourself that you have this problem and you've already done that so that's a huge leap forward, you've made an even bigger leap forward by admitting it to someone else and getting help.

So you have made amazing progress in the last week or so hun!!! It's going to be hard, but for every day that you make it through without purging, it's one step closer to overcoming this. Even if you do have set backs you know that you've made it through 48 hours and you CAN do it again!! If the Doc refers you to a specialist you'll have even more help and support from people who know exactly how you feel and they can really help.

Good luck with your road to recovery. YOU CAN DO IT!!! You have everyone on this thread behind you!!!!

 

[BREN]

Awesome work C.

Are you still feeling tired?

Bren
X

 

[abz]

you have done fantastically well hon!! one day at a time. how is today going? you are such a strong person!! keep it up. we are rooting for you. we really are.

abz xx

 

[KD]

Aww cateka. It's not easy is it, but you're doing brilliantly.

Yes, there will be days when things don't go to plan, but hang in there.

Might be one step back, two steps forward :clap: As long as you keep sight of your goal...to defeat this monster once and for all...you'll get there.

 

[** Just Jools **]

hey hun, sorry about the set back but you're doing so well and it's just a small blip so don't let it bother you too much.

it's not an overnight thing so there will be days like this and you'll just have to face them, get past them, forget them and move on.

you CAN do this!!

love & hugs

 

[cateka]

Hey everyone, thanks for the encouragement again, its really helped. I'm not feeling so tired anymore, perhaps I just needed some protein or something. I've had another slightly shaky two days - last night and this morning I binged again, I couldn't tell you why, and I purged too. But to be honest, it doesn't feel like I'm 'battling' it so to speak. Typically following a binge/purge I would stare in the mirror for ages and then lie in bed and cry for hours. Now I just sort of... dust myself off? I think that 48 hour period gave me a lot of hope about recovering from the ilness so I don't feel so hopeless and alone everytime I take a few steps back.


Someone made a very good point about tiredness, I think this is something which may be triggering it. I had to be up early this morning to have breakfast with my boyfriend (who is home now, yaaay!) and then I went home, it was really early and I hadn't had much sleep. I was just too tired to fight my sickness basically, so I purged. Then I slept for a few hours and now, I'm fine . I think getting enough sleep is going to be very important to me.


Anyway, I may have taken a few steps back but I'm not feeling awful about it so to speak. Tomorrow is yet another day

 

[caws]

That's the spirit cateka. It can take an awful long time to 'get better' but you're passed the starting line.

Take each day as it comes and now you've identified that tiredness may be a factor it's something that you can be aware of.

Good luck for tomorrow

 

[abz]

you're doing great hon. keep at it. you'll get there. we're all behind you good luck for tomorrow

abz xx

 

[Surfhunny]

Keep going chick, we're all behind you!!!!

 

[** Just Jools **]

hope today is better for you. take care. x

 

[Karenlou]

Hello Cateka. I've only just come across your thread. I was bulimic for 21 years, basically from the age of 21 to 42. Before that I would periodically binge and starve and over-exercise.

I am now 44 and in the last two years I've only purged 3 or 4 times. I have gained weight but had counselling to help me deal with my body image while going through that process and I'm now following a sensible diet to lose the weight I put on. My partner knows how ill I once was - it was before he met me - and makes a point of reassuring me that he thinks I'm gorgeous regardless of body size.

Every time I eat to the point of feeling full I think about purging. The difference is that I almost never act on that thought now. The doc says I have almost completely undone the damage I did to my body, although I have buggered up my digestive system and will always have a sensitive stomach and gag reflex.

I'm so glad you are getting this sorted out now. Be kind to yourself x

 

[totty]

I have been intregued by this thread ever since it started, but felt it wasnt my place to reply....as ...well...i dont understand eating disorders

can i just ask a few questions, i would love to ask...just so i can understand more about what people go through...

why do you binge? is it because you are hungry? or starving?

but then why do you purge? is it the feeling of guilt for eating so much?

and caketa, you say you stare at yourself in the mirror and cry for hours...why? cus you dont like yourself? or that you are ashamed of what you have just done?

and what made you start in the first place? ...was it to loose weight initially...but then you couldnt give up..like a vicious circle?

i am sorry if these questions have offended anyone...i dont mean any harm...i would just love to know :hug99:

 

[BREN]

Totty,
i many years ago to loose weight started to stick my finger down my throat. I began doing i because a friend of mine was and she looked gorgeous! So as for the why I binged it's because I was hungry and like most of us dont stop eating until I became painfully full. Then to get rid of this feeling I would make myself sick. I only did it ocassionally, perhaps once or twice a week and then I decided to make a lifestyle change. My friend however took years to recover. i only managed to do this for about 6 months.

Cateka, I know your story might have similar elements and I can tell you are on the road to recovery and like with anything in life there will be bumps in the road and you learn to jump over them.

Have a lovely weekend darling!
Bren
X

 

[james1988]

Hi im new here and althought I dont know alot..

Its a condition and its all in the mind, its a condition that can be controlled and eventually got rid of.

Do you feel paranoid when you have eaten to much are you affraid so much of getting big that your brain kicks in and forces you to do it or an addiction.

Either way you need to get it under control as its serious and you can continue posting here as we are here to help you through it

The side effects will not be nice as your not getting enougth nutrition just try hard and get some help and try to relax and take your mind off things.. buy a wii and play or do anything like that its active and might help.

 

[Karenlou]

Like other eating disorders, it's fair to say that bulimia in general has nothing to do with food. It manifests itself in food-related behaviour, as does starving or binge-eating without purging.

Food disorders are about control. I'd rather not talk too much about my own specific experience as there's a risk it sounds like glorifying the condition, but there's something euphoric about the act of purging - it's like getting one over on your body. I found myself quite hooked on the feeling and often, for me, bingeing was just something I did so I could purge. I'm sure it's different for different people though.

What concerns me about your experience, Cateka, is that when you say you are bingeing, I look at your food list for the day and it looks perfectly normal, certainly not overeating. You may want to explore this with your doctor and get a view from a professional as to how many calories a day you should be eating with your height and age.

 

[cateka]

I have been intregued by this thread ever since it started, but felt it wasnt my place to reply....as ...well...i dont understand eating disorders

can i just ask a few questions, i would love to ask...just so i can understand more about what people go through...

why do you binge? is it because you are hungry? or starving?

but then why do you purge? is it the feeling of guilt for eating so much?

and caketa, you say you stare at yourself in the mirror and cry for hours...why? cus you dont like yourself? or that you are ashamed of what you have just done?

and what made you start in the first place? ...was it to loose weight initially...but then you couldnt give up..like a vicious circle?

i am sorry if these questions have offended anyone...i dont mean any harm...i would just love to know :hug99:

Its hard to explain why I binge, it tends to happen when I am tired and hungry, or there is a high-calorie food I like nearby. Its sort of a way of "giving up" so to speak - you don't want to be fat but you don't want to be hungry either. I don't eat untill I feel sick, I eat untill the pressure exerted on my stomache lining actually puts me into a great deal of physical pain and I have to vomit just to escape the pain.


Normally before I begin a binge I have already decided to purge (sick, I know, but I can't help it). An example is that I eat a slightly fatty meal, say one that has about 400 calories, then I feel guilty about it, so I decide I am going to purge, it is THEN that I binge, because I've decided I'm going to throw up anyway so I may as well.

Normally I cry because I am in pain and tired and I know it hasn't worked - it is virtually impossible to rid your body of all of the calories you consume in a binge by purgeing. I feel angry at myself because I know if I had just stopped at that 400 calories I would have been fine because I didn't even need to throw that up. Whats very frustrating is that I am so tired after it that I can't exercise, so I can't get rid of the remaining calories in my stomache. This is what makes me cry for ages, because its all out of control.

I started doing this originally just to get rid of the odd bit of food after overeating. Somehow I got tricked into thinking it was 'easy' so started overeating all the time, therefore started purgeing all of the time.


Its not been so bad recently, I still binge and purge but my bingeing is getting less extreme, so therefore my purgeing is too, progress is being made

 

[abz]

i am glad you are starting to feel a bit better hon i agree that maybe you need to get advice from your doc on how much you should be eating each day as your binges don't seem that huge... so maybe the same amount of food spread out like you said before? that way you wouldn't feel overfull...

you are doing marvellously. keep it up hon. another day without purging is ahead of you

abz xx

 

[rainbow]

Have just read your thread and wanted to say well done for making the decision to change things for the better. Keep up the hard work - big hugs xxx

 

[totty]

Its hard to explain why I binge, it tends to happen when I am tired and hungry, or there is a high-calorie food I like nearby. Its sort of a way of "giving up" so to speak - you don't want to be fat but you don't want to be hungry either. I don't eat untill I feel sick, I eat untill the pressure exerted on my stomache lining actually puts me into a great deal of physical pain and I have to vomit just to escape the pain.


Normally before I begin a binge I have already decided to purge (sick, I know, but I can't help it). An example is that I eat a slightly fatty meal, say one that has about 400 calories, then I feel guilty about it, so I decide I am going to purge, it is THEN that I binge, because I've decided I'm going to throw up anyway so I may as well.

Normally I cry because I am in pain and tired and I know it hasn't worked - it is virtually impossible to rid your body of all of the calories you consume in a binge by purgeing. I feel angry at myself because I know if I had just stopped at that 400 calories I would have been fine because I didn't even need to throw that up. Whats very frustrating is that I am so tired after it that I can't exercise, so I can't get rid of the remaining calories in my stomache. This is what makes me cry for ages, because its all out of control.

I started doing this originally just to get rid of the odd bit of food after overeating. Somehow I got tricked into thinking it was 'easy' so started overeating all the time, therefore started purgeing all of the time.


Its not been so bad recently, I still binge and purge but my bingeing is getting less extreme, so therefore my purgeing is too, progress is being made

i am glad your gettin back in control...really i am, it must be awful x

i just cant imagine actually making myself sick, i hate it, it makes me cry

do you want to put weight back on at this stage? or are you taking things one step at a time and dealing with the bingeing/purgeing first? :hug99: